The Last Day of 2013

This year has been wonderful, journey, with tears, joy and happiness. At the start of 2013 I never planned this year would happen like this.

Moments I was so proud of was reuniting with my Rob, traveling to Seattle to sit on Kurt's bench, coffee by Pike Place Market, Meatballs in Victoria and ghost walks. Long talks with Lisa, enjoying her company, changes at the office at work, traveling and surfing in Central America. Learning to accept myself ... taking better care of my body and mind. Dinner in Roop in May and many concerts with Brad. Exhaustion and body shutting down. Friendly texts from Melissa. Dinners which was just a Phase but made me believe in fun late at night again. The body struggling to remember yoga poses, the power it once had. We need more nacho nights at the Foundation with friends. Not sure if Stacy and I are growing apart ....

 Each moment I am lucky. I am lucky to be left in hotel room last January in Edmonton, it freed me open myself to the possiblity of Vancouver. I learned to be brave again.

Christmas was peaceful. I went to Campbell River with Rob. It was nice to wake up and not hear fighting. I felt good inside. It was nice to be away. I do not feel bad about not spending it with my family this year. Christmas is always stressful ... to many fights about gifts ... not spending enough. Where is the love? What is family?

This past weekend I spend celebrating Lisa's birthday which was eventful tears happiness, cheesecake and a small Chilliwack twist. I loved getting pedicures saturday morning relaxing in the massage chairs. My toes painted purple. I loved the bracelet she gave me ... It made me feel special. No visits this year from Jenn .... and so many pink coloured sweaters.

Tomorrow I am looking forward a delicous lunch tasty meatballs, sleeping in alone ... and studying with books.

2014 year of Possiblity! Funded by Courage!

So I closed my eyes and say good bye to 2013 year of so much change .... Welcome to my ninth year of my blog My Life... I share online.

Sharing

There is much goodness in the world, more love and more sharing. I feel so hopeful about the new year and the present moment. I am always in awe of how the body remembers .... and how the body can become strong again. I am as brave as I want to believe I am. Feeling strong right now about each present moment. I enjoyed this past weekend.

I am almost finished my Christmas Shopping and I am excited about baking tomorrow. I need to find a soft ginger bread cookie receipe. I can not wait to share.

I felt so rested after yoga with Sasha...what a blessing to share Sunday morning with her. I felt so relaxed and my body felt really good. I love flowing ... feeling peaceful..and remembering our bodies can move in so many different ways. We truly have amazing muscles. I felt the breath ... flowing through out me.

Each day so blessed. So blessed to be loved. This week I have to step back and learn from others...watch their different styles...what I can learn from them...

PS there is chocolates still in my desk! Can't wait to bake cookies tomorrow...can't wait for Rob to stay over tonight.

12 Year Flor de Cana on my Floor

I have a bottle of 12 year Flor de Cana on my floor. I don't drink rum and I bought it for Rob, kinda last minute choose at Duty Free with my last $30 USD.

This week I have been feeling pretty good and confident. I feel a change is coming and the right choice is right around the corner. I know good stuff is coming in 2014. Im feeling lucky, Im feeling more confident since coming back from my trip. My heart sores with options. What to do for 2014...move to the island? or stay on the mainland?

My cold is finally over and I am feeling back to normal. I am still taking my iron sublimates. I dislike taking them ... I always feel bloated and chubby. I fart so much...but I read my body will adjust to them, I just want to feel better.

I am interested in Juicing for another way to get more healthy. Slowly I feel better, but my head still tired. I know my mind now is has malnutrition.

Most of time I feel alot of joy in soul and I am feeling alot more peace and rest in my life. I feel more relaxed ..... less comparing myself to others. More forgiveness and letting go...of the old stories from my past. It's.. I am slowly learning to trust.

Tomorrow I am taking the ferry to Vancouver Island .... Campbell Island... here I come!

Bedtime

Sitting in bed with the sniffles. My sinus are stuffed up and the kleenex pile is growing. Friday was slow today at work. Sitting in my desk...feeling calm. I realized I am so up tight ... my mind never relaxes ...its all over my face.

I've been thinking about my week away .... the week was stressful, horrible and awesome. Sometimes I was exhausted because I could not sleep at night other times... I felt joy. I felt the most joy on the drive to Leon. I enjoyed passing through the country and seeing the sights.

I felt overwhelmed in my head and mind became so exhausted I woke up with vertigo. My mind is a mess. I realized my diet is not healthy after my blood work I learned I didn't have enough iron. Since coming back I am trying increase my iron intake. The vertigo moment focused me to reflect on the stresses in my life. Why had I traveled so far to be sick .... I just need to relax more.

I miss the ocean. The sound of waves ...

Waves of El Manzano Uno! Good Folks in Manzano 1#

I arrived back in Canada after spending my vacation in Chinadega department. It feels good to back in my bed. I could not believe how soft it was last Saturday night. For this trip feel blessed.

I do not know what I was excepting when I signed up for a surf retreat in Nicaguara. I expected waves and sun maybe meeting a couple of new people. But I learned so much about myself and my body. I feel humbled and my heart wants to give back. This week at work...nothing seems to matter as much, its not in the bigger picture of world. For so long I thought my life was defined by faxes, emails and making clients money. There is something more for me out here...I want to give.

My heart is full of joy and peace. I feel comfortable with myself with a glide back into life in Canada. For a week I had no wifi ... no first world issues. Each day I faced a new fear, somedays I was afraid to get out of bed. I was afraid because I did not have control. No control over my daily activities ....I realized I am a control freak. Seeking to much approval from others.

The second day of the surf retreat I was sick with motion sickness/vertigo. I lay in bed helpless but I trusted people would help. So many strangers reached out to help....give me medicine and listen. It's amazing how much we give. What the human spirit can provide to each other.

The waves were so powerful but it was refreshing to be in the ocean.

I can't describe what happened to me last week but change took place. I have been trapped so long in a office sitting ... in fear watching for emails ... not living...not feeling good...

I promise myself I will be kinder to my body, eat better, I promise I will be kinder to strangers. Show love each day. Find compassion ..... find adventure .... be ready to scared. but I am always loved.

PS other trip highlights....volcano boarding...running through the airport in st pauls. Joe the Fed Ex pilot who knew the plane would land so I would not miss my flight to YVR. The man with sign in the Manguara airport for Cherry from Canada! Luis the taxi driver. The man who sat with me from Salt Lake to Atlanta ....who never flies the red eye..only for a very special friend...thanks for the stories.
The boys going south ....from Calgary... maybe we might surf together in the future.


Simple Wave

I feel the waves
White water rushes over my head..
Warm water soaking my body
My head spins

Boys going south, Girl going North
Parting from Manguara
Waking up November 11 with vertigo

The beauty of help from strangers
The release of knowing we all loved

Find compassion Rumi
Find love
Meet me with adventure, I'm ready to let go

Peach tree !

I'm waiting in Atlanta ... 30 more minutes till I go. The people of Atlanta have been friendly and kind. Kind thoughts to the man who checked my bags at 8 am .., this allowed me to take a much needed nap. I want two things clean underwear and to brush my teeth. My mouth feels gross ... Soon I will get to sleep on the plane :)

I am the proud owner of a CNN t shirt ! Kinda silly ! So I'm saying good bye for a bit with my fuzzy thoughts

Idaho Falls

All the memories came back to me ... The drive at through Salt Lake City ... The last night stopping in Idaho falls ... Getting tipsy ... Being called a cougar. The great drive back from LA ... Still hard to believe we drove from LA to Idaho Falls in one day. The big city so far away ...

I woke this morning listening to the rain ... The sound pounding through my roof. It was a stormy day in Vancouver. I left this afternoon for Salt Lake City ... In a couple of hours I will be in the air again flying to Atlanta. The memories flooded my mind as we flew over the city ... I remember driving on the highway and how it curved around the lake. I love feeling free ..

I feel tired but excited :) I can't wait to get going ... I'm sitting at brew pub in Salt Lake City with a steak salad ... Thinking about memories and wishing I had not checked my iPod :( we will be reunited soon.

My bags are heavy ... Should have packed the blow dryer ? Do I have enough snacks ... I still don't have bug spray ...

Ferry to my Vacation

Riding the 7 o'clock ferry to Departure Bay Vancouver Island. I'm going to visit Rob for a couple if days. I'm feeling exhausted after the staff event today. After two drinks I'm feeling bagged. I'm wishing I was at home in bed. I'm feeling excited to spend a couple of days with Rob.

I'm struggling with myself lately?? I'm questioning if I'm truly selfish. ??  How much of myself I'm I willing to share ?? Do I just live for myself. ?? Treat my partners equally ?? What kinda partner I'm I ?

These questions till my mind as the ferry crawls across the Georgia Straight. How much of myself do I need to share ??  And is this selfishness keeping me from not being married or being stable relationship. I keep thinking about rob and our last fight .... How he doesn't feel there is a place for me in my life. Could my life be only organized for myself.

Today was my last day at work for two weeks:) I'm so excited  and I can't believe soon ill be leave on plane to Managua. My heart is excited about my adventure but I'm taking this adventure solo? Does this me selfish ?

This year three of my ex's got engaged its strange to think of them getting married and I'm here ..., not ... I'm not even close to getting married or giving my heart to someone. I'm
Feel like I'm getting closer to find love. I was thinking yesterday about grade 5 ... The day when my self esteem changed forever. I still see myself sitting by her teacher at the side of classroom. The day she let my fellow students insult me ... They tossed everything at me ... Names telling me why they didnt like me. It was the most painful moment of my childhood. I never felt so alone in my life. I still feel the tears coming from eyes 25 years later. After the spring of grade 5 ...  My self esteem sank so low. I never talked about this moment till I was 30 in therapy. My therapist listened ... She said that must of been an awful experience. I feel released .... It was ok to be hurt and embarrassed. Often I feel like the same grade 5 girl sitting in the front of class with her classmates insulting her. I want to tell myself ... It's ok ... Tell the girl she will be ok. I want to tell my grade five teacher ... This was the most horrible experience of my life. I sank inside of myself hide myself ... Stop trusting ... Because I trusted my grade five teacher everything was going to be ok and she would have my back but she didnt. She let me fall ... I want to trust ... I want to believe others wont let me fall. I want to trust rob ...

I'm toren apart inside ...no one knows me. No one can see me and this is my choice. I want to be seen. I want to be heard ... I want to feel love although I'm Not sure what that feels like. It scares me how I've normalized a life alone and I've created this life.

I will be in Central America soon ...

Coming Unchained

Feeling good today. Today was a perfect alone day. The kind where downtown looks beautiful as sun beams fall between high rises. Today was beautiful and filled fall colours.

I woke up early went for a run, watched two documentaries, shopped, yoga and had my eye brows shaped. Today my soul was peaceful. I feel calm thinking about the weekend ...while sitting in my bed.

My new co-worker started last week, it is nice to have someone else in the office and someone to share the slow days. My desk now have a view of sun...finally I feel closer to nature. Although working in a office is nothing close to nature. Friday the computers crashed and we left early to have lunch at Jack Lonsdale. ohhh raspberry mixed drinks...taste perfect on friday.

This is my last week before two weeks off. I feel excited and I am looking forward to rest. I count down nine more days till surfing ...nine more days till I fly to Manguara. I am coming to realize this is happening and I am leaving soon.

Last weekend was stressful, Rob stayed at my place for the weekend. His visit created many challenges in our relationship. He felt my studio was only set up for me. He did not feel welcome or invited. I know my home is not inviting for love. So I am searching for a couch...or two chairs. Some place for a man to sit and find my heart and maybe call my home his. He can not see my heart and I am scared to let him in. I am scared to let anyone see me. Friday I am coming back onto the island to stay with Rob for several days before my flight.

A new red dress hangs in my closet. I bought it on sale. I never thought I would own another red dress. I have not bought one since grad. A new red dress fills my mind ....

My suitcase sits on my floor I am slowly filling it ...slowly packing. I have 10 more days to find courage. I have 10 more days till I can love myself.

Lunch with King of Cups

Each morning I wake up...I feel blessed..I feel bless my feet can touch the ground and get to spend another here. I nearly teared up yesterday with the news Alice Munro had won the noble prize ... I feel touch by her writing and body of work. Always enjoy an Alice Munro story on go and I look forward to books appearing in the BC Ferry gift shops.

Today was a laid back friday the kind that me love my job. Today felt simple and peaceful but most of all thankful. Lately I am reflecting on all the blessing my life. At this moment life feels ok...I feel less shaky and calm. And for a moment maybe secure. Opening myself up to being vulnerable, opening part of my soul. So may layers .... covering up myself ... I am so afraid to let the world in... so afraid to let the world know I am here. How...???

I had a pedicure after work and I felt so relaxed in the chair. I painted my toes a deep blue for the ocean ... for my journey.

My mind exhausted....sleep wants to greet me soon...

Veggie wraps, the tech support help desk, learning new skills, and good friends with tarot cards. All make for a positive friday and an open heart.

Nicaragua Dreaming

I am counting down four more weeks till my flight. I can not believe it and feel so excited about the eco surf retreat. Today I felt it in my soul ... this week would be life changing and I can not wait. Watch out northern Nicaragua here I come.  Beaches .... awesome food and surfing. Eco Living here I come, I am still unsure about the composting toilet but that will be a new experience.

Dreaming of the waves and Pacific ocean.

A normal wednesday still at my desk ... drifting away from corporate life. I admire people who can just take off and live life. I want to feel inspired. I want to breath. Wednesday more chicken for lunch.

I feel smothered by my family. They still call and want me to visit for thanksgiving. I really have no desire to spend time with them ... I need this space whether they like or not. I need some growth away. Still defining myself.

First Class to Managua

I booked my flight this morning. I was stressing about the small details and dates I should fly in. I finally I found my flight and so lucky ...I am flying first class to Managua from YVR! for the same price to fly economy. The airline angels are looking after me. I feel blessed today. I am going to the ocean soon... I am not sure why my journey this year is leading me to Central America. Somehow things keep working out...I am so excited...and it's a month till I leave. I am hoping to find some hope and courage on this trip because I am not feeling a lot courage these days. I still struggle with direction and where I am going. I am finding it difficult to find meaning in life. What has God/Higher powers lead me to do...???

I felt exhausted after work. It is becoming easier to sleep with Rob at night at least in my bed. I don't wake up as much...as I use to. Maybe I am getting use to him again. Rob came over yesterday stayed the night. He was going to nap but we hung out till bed time, eating yam fries and watching Breaking Bad. I feel happy he's near and working in town this week. Feels good to be close.

This weekend I watched the Bling Ring...I love Sofia Coppola movies but I could not get into this movie. I loved the sound track but could not relate or understand the characters.

I am trying to enjoy each morning at work, this week will be the last week I am by myself. I am looking forward to a new co worker and new energy in the office.

This weekend is thanksgiving, Rob and I are going to the island. I guess we will have to wait in the ferry line up Saturday morning, I was not able to make a reservation. I didn't mind camping in the car August long weekend. It was oddly fun and adventurous.

Each morning I am looking for the blessing the peace ... today I am grateful ...for my health, tasty veggie wrap, more Sofia Coppola soundtracks. All my friends.

A World With Our Love

Being here in my tiny apartment, I feel shame...deep down inside. I want to not feel this way... I feel triggered by an angry stranger's words Why do words from a stranger cut so deep and why do I take them so personally. I silently remind myself nothing others do is because of you. I guess this morning I meant to practice this agreement with myself. How will someone else's negative words affect me .... will I let someone else shame. And why did this trigger with me....why I am suffering for words that have nothing to do with me.

I love yoga and the most wonderful sound was coming from the studio. When I walked in ... the XX was playing...it melted my heart. The memories of seeing them live in June came back to me and I felt so much peace in my core.

Changes are coming...and I kept counting down. I can't believe I am leaving so soon...I keep checking flights to Central America. So many choices ....

I addicted to chicken at Nando's ... I eat it almost every week. Today was a good day... and it was pay day which my bank account badly needed funds. I sent my taxes to get reviewed so I should be receiving some additional funds soon.

Over all a couple positive things happened today, I loved yoga and hearing the XX again. I bought the Coexist album on Itunes, had chicken and veggies tasty, payday, packed my bags for the island. I have enough cash for coffee tomorrow morning on the way to work. Today simple things bring bliss.

PS I am wearing my glasses while writing this. I feel very blessed to have this blog as a record as my time on this earth since 2005. I can only hope it will help my family understand I was happy and loved. And I enjoyed life...if they ever questioned this.

I think the revolution will happen south of Vancouver...the revolution starts Nov 4 ...

Writing a New Song: My Heart Glows

Tuesday: Slow morning walking in the dark, the days become shorter. I feel alone in the morning when I walk to work at 6:30 am. The street feels colder I miss the light in the morning. I miss the company. Most days I am alone...till almost 8 am ... for the first 90 minutes sitting watching my screen. I like solitude in the mornings lately.

I wanted to go to UBC to the Museum but my funds are alittle short till tomorrow and payday.  Instead I watch episodes of Nashville and snacking on chips and salsa. I am halfway through the first season funny how times flies. I didn't like I planned just laundry.

I am looking forward to going to the island this weekend. I can not wait till friday afternoon till I leave on the ferry. Feels like going home. This will be my first weekend back since labour day and first weekend of fall. Rob has the fireplace going and is cleaning out the sauna for us.

I made peace with stacy today. I offered her hope to go forward but I still not spoken on the phone. I am taking a break from her right now and getting some space. I am not wanting to end the friendship just some space to reflect and calm down.

Today is one of those quiet days during the week for me ... no running.. no yoga..no going anywhere but maybe I should have left my apartment. I am not sure what is planned for me...but I have keep focused on my goals of change. The change will happen.

I am currently six weeks away from going to Managua. I am feeling freedom as my vacation approaches. Somewhere under the same sky we all can see the same stars, this thought is uniting.

As for reflecting ... at more at peace this time of year than I was last year. Last year I struggling to define myself .... within a crappy vampire relationship ... maybe that is why I am so frustrated and angry at Stacy... I know where her current relationship will lead her...and I can see the signs...spending a whole alot of talking and waiting for something .... he never promised would happen.

I'd like to end this entry with a small space for my soul to recharge and refocus...the universe does not give you more than you can handle...and will always provide. I feel a small hug from the heavens each night I crawl into bed..for I close my eyes to sleep.

XOXXO Lovebug...

Waves

I was struggling in the water swimming during the final minutes of meditation. I was swimming the water was so dark around me...and I stopped struggling...first I thought I was drowning...sinking but I came up. A part of me died tonight and let go. Waves tumbled over me...washing me clean of emotion...I am no longer connected...I am no longer emotionally invested. I feel free....but present...

I asked again to open my heart...open it deep down inside...so I could feel all the emotions...tumble over my back......

After struggling with my friendship with Stacy over the past week, I breathed and let go of control. I can't control the situation and the struggle for me is over. I feel peace and have limited emotions, the past is gone...and feel very present. I will not judge her and or her decisions. I will ask for help when needed.

After class the street lights had a glow...the kind the people see in movies...when the scene is about get happy and joyish. I feel peace in soul ...and glows tonight.

It's a fall monday little rain drops and cold chills... this time of year reminds why I moved...away from the north. Although the coldness is slightly depressing nothing is as depressing as the great canadian winter and I am lucky/blessed....my time in the north is over and completed. Some places our souls do not want to visit again.

My mind feels simple...small thoughts...little waves create small changes. ..

Kurt's Bench and other Adventures in Seattle

I love Seattle. The Emerald City sparkled two weekends ago. Lisa and I went on our annual trip together to Washington State for some shopping, good eats and excellent company. The trip was refreshing weekend away from our daily lives in BC.

Thrusday night we traveled to Everett to shop the next day. I realized I away from home when I saw the sign Vancouver BC 112 miles. The open road so inviting. We made a detour to Silverdale using a groupon for hotel. The people of Silverdale are so friendly warm. I noticed the whole trip was about kindness and friendly people. I felt a openness and my heart melt.

Our last night in seattle we ate at Toules Petit and went to Ozzies a local dive bar to sign and drink blueberry vodka drinks. The evening was magical and perfect, the meal was amazing the bar extra fun and the after bar nachos .... entertaining. Each step people were drawn to us .... and wanted to know how we went and how we have remained friends for so long.

Saturday morning we sat on Kurt Cobain's bench near his home in seattle. It was a full circle moment from high school because we had loved Nirvana and Hole much growing up. Strange to think that as adults we had come to this place. So much had happen in the last 20 years.

I spend Labour day weekend with Rob on the island. We paddled around Cortes Island, it is a two ferry trip from Campbell River. I loved the ferry trip from Quadra to Cortes and paddling around this remote place. Sometimes I think I want to leave here but after reading Grant Lawernces book ... I fear the isolation might be so much for me. Something about that area feels very peaceful and far away from Vancouver and big city life. I do not feel the rush to keep up with the latest or drive the newest car. I feel whole there. I wonder if I should move to the island.... not sure yet....

I felt exhausted today at yoga...I kept repeating to myself....open my heart ...open my heart...this is work I am trying to achieve.

Currently I feel peaceful...and I can hear the rain..outside..the seasons are starting to change and fall is coming to the lower mainland again. Fall is darker time of year for me....it's way I choose to take time in November most years. I count down the weeks 6 more till...I leave for central america. I heart this...

I am still not in contact with my parents ... we have not spoke since April. I have peace with this but I feel like an orphan sometimes. I went to the canucks game with Brad last wednesday he said ...at times he has not spoken to his parents...but I ask him how and for advice for what created the change. ...he said it was before his birthday ....

I am focused on living from my heart and opening ...it

The Revolution Will Happen in the South

Today I am ready, and waiting. Feeling excited and nervous. I feel the change is coming and I am getting prepared. August is my birthday month and feel the most creative around the end of the summer. This birthday will be different than last year, I am going to the island and will be loved. I have still not gone home since December and my mother emails weekly. I ignore them...I need to be alone and take a break from the family. I am not sure when I will be ready to be with them again. My father wrote on August 13, I do plan to write him back. I am not sure how to talk to my mother, I am not sure how to address how I felt in my childhood. Today I am choosing to live my own life and not consult my parents. I know they did the best they could but I need this time for myself to make my own decisions.

Be prepared. ...Know you are loved. Always ready...

My heart is waiting. I am looking forward to going to Nicaragua in November. I am truly blessed and loved. This I know is true.

Amber Colour of my Energy

Last weekend Rob and I traveled to Quadra Island on his boat. It was an amazing afternoon on the ocean. I felt some sun stroke from the heat but day was lovely and perfect and the weather felt like a small slice of heaven on the Pacific. I miss long weekend and time off. I am feeling alittle burned out from work right now but I know change is coming soon. For this reason my heart glows and feels peaceful. I have made a decision and my time is short.

The last couple of weeks I have traveled back and forward from the mainland to island almost every weekend this summer. I am racking up alot of miles on BC Ferries.

My relationship with Rob feels comfortable and warm .... this summer is the best summer I have spent with him in years, maybe ten. I feel peaceful .... and feel no reason to define us.

The heart is so quiet and mighty....but strong.

Last week I took a couple of days off. The weather was warm with no wind. I felt like I was melting when I was shopping downtown last Friday. I really enjoyed the change of pace and it was nice to be at home eat lunch here and get my hair done.

Feeling brave......I am in the 16th percent of life...PS I booked my surfing trip :) i can't wait till November 9.

Waiting for Rob

Sitting at table ... I am waiting to go to the ferries...soon I will back on the island. I am excited and I feel refreshed after a run and some yoga...

Life feels like a cup of tea...little things feel precious.

All the Goodness and Grace

Today I saw the most wonderful job posting online. This job would allow me to help people who are less lucky with life than me. I am very excited about applying.

I have found my home back to yoga again...I get lost every couple of weeks. A new hot yoga studio opened across the street. For the first time I actually enjoy it. The add on the window was correct it is just like being at the beach.

Last weekend I went to Victoria to visit with Lisa. It was so awesome to see her and spend time with a good friend. I cherish the moments we get to spend together because for many years she lives so far away. I am so thankful for her friendship and guidance. Her friendship is a blessing. I loved the afternoon we spent at French Beach sitting in the sun and watching the waves. I love the pacific ocean and the grounding effect it has on my life. The image of the waves linger in my mind. I am restless and in love with Pacific. The waves are so powerful yet soft, very feminine. Because we all free to decided...and I do not want to be disapointed.

The last couple of weeks I have lived in the dizzy sleepy slumber.... work, sleep,....make no progress and not making any choices. Sitting on the side. My body became so tight so sore....all the tenision being held in joints. I feeling I can move freely.

I have a couple of goals this summer: pass my drivers exam and change my job. I am ready...to step forward.

This November I have finally made a down payment for surf camp in nicaragua. The camp is on the pacific but I am looking forward to practicing in Tofino in September. Hopefully Lisa and I can find a place to stay :) I have a couple in mind.

It's my bed time...and I need to rest. Tomorrow is Friday and I am looking forward to another weekend in Campbell River. Maybe we go on the water...I am looking forward to enjoying the heat and my garden. But back to the present ...I am looking forward to enjoying my bed. Om is home....

Just a Phase

I am so tired and exhausted all the time right now. I do not understand why it is so difficult for me to be awake. I dying in my current job, so I today I decided I needed change. I need to switch up something. Everyday is same....same tasks dragging my feet. I need to change ....soon or a holiday. Stress Leave?? Anyone...I am just exhausted of myself.

Most stressful I have gained 10 pounds since April. I guess the stress of CFA. I don't know. I know I do not want to keep feeling this way. I keep running and working out but I just feel so sad deep downside.

I am sliding backwards...I feel trapped mostly by the myself. I just want to be recused. I have even started buying lotto tickets. I use to think this exhaustion would go away now Grant and I are over. I feel guilty because when I am with Rob...I just want to sleep. I just want some peace of mind. I use to feel depressed...now I just feel hopeless. I am trying to stop myself from believing these agreements I made with myself. I hope this passes soon.

Terrible Itch

I'm on the five o'clock ferry going to the Comox Valley and everything is itchy. I want to scratch myself all over in public. Screw anyone who is uncomfortable. I almost missed my ferry because the 257 bus drove past me at park royal, checking the time I decided to pay for a cab. I also ate a crappy grilled chicken burger inside of the bacon cheddar burger . Yuck. ... Anyways ... Rob is picking me up on the other side.

Today felt peaceful at work ... I feel I really do not work that hard ... I think I'm
Over paid. I began to think about cutting my parents out of life. I have not visited them
in 6 months and I don't see myself traveling to the valley anytime soon. I feel alot of stress about keeping them in my life. It's the small comments and disapoval that upset me. I have no relationship with them. I use to think that a civil relationship was possible but it's not.

The ferry is full of small children ... Gross ...

Peace Within

It's a beautiful June and the breeze travels across my studio apartment. This evening feels so good and it  smells like love. I finally finished my exam and felt rested. I have enjoyed this time of doing nothing or whatever I want to do. I have decided to stand still feel present. Feel joy.

My body is slowly starting to move again. The stiffness melting away. For the first time in years my body had become a rock due to not stretching. I lost my path with my yoga practice last fall. My body felt older than it's age. Tonight I felt stronger in my practice, I felt myself coming home back to body/my soul.

I spent last week on the island with Rob. It felt good to do nothing in Campbell River. The weather was rainy but last friday we saw a pod of killer whales swim past the house. It was beautiful. I am going back tomorrow and I felt excited to see him and spend time with him All events in my are coming back full circle.

I am thinking of going to Sri Lanka in the fall. Something about the country wants me to visit. It wants me to fall in love with it.

The deepest part of me is curious, wanting to explore.

Gifts from Wednesday

It's all flooding over me, my emotions ... learning to ask for what I need and not being afraid to ask. Learning to trust my self and I did nothing wrong.

This wednesday after dinner of chicken and sweet potato fries, I am waiting for my feet to tell me they are ready to run. Watching the clock I am aware of the time getting closer to 7ish. Wednesday afternoon is quiet and my desk was filled with small projets. I am excited about my week off at the end May. I am looking forward to some me and the closing off the CFA journey. I am also looking forward to spending my last weekend studying with my fellow students. It's time to see if we can move on....I am feeling brave but my body feels weak. I feeling more tired most morning and my apartment is starting to like a frat boy lives here. My kitchen less clean than my standards. Tired and focused 17 more days.

Not much is going through my mind...I miss talking to people but I lack time. I miss going away on weekends. Soon this ending...after June 1 time to chase rainbows.

Back to my 90 days no contact. I was really committed to not speaking to him...I had made it 60! no more beating myself up...back to the basics.

Claiming my Authentic Voice

I dreamt about a burger last night. I marinated thinking about going out for lunch today, so much I so exhausted when I woke up. I could not sleep my mind stirring from so thoughts passing through it. Passing onto their journey. My mind sleepless. I want to sleep, I want to be mind to slow down. Its working to resolve my pass .... which is no longer happening.

Today I have no clear vision for myself, no clear idea. Lately I've been thinking about my family of origin and how I came to this place. Days where I wanted to hear I was good...good enough... instead of being hearing what was wrong or what was not wanted. I desired so badly for someone to stand up for me. Love me care for me ... protect me. I choose men who did not want to stand beside me. I secretly hoped they could remind my mind... and choose me...and give me what my parents denied me. Most days in my youth I was scared...scared to speak and address my needs. I felt basic needs where not met and I was alone struggling by myself. I sat at the end of table myself and my sister next to my mom. This was reminder she did not have time for me. Craved alone one on one time with mom but she always included my sister. This spilled over into relationships as I choose men who had their own agenda which did not include me. And I sat silently and never addressed my needs as I feared I would make them uncomfortable. If the men were uncomfortable they would leave me.

It's mid May in Vancouver and the weather is beautiful and have slowly turned to beach season. Sunshine greats me every morning when I walk to work. I miss seeing the sun as I sit in room with no windows, which i feel is depressing. I miss the sun or any view.

I sent Grant one last final email. I finally told him, how I felt and how I was deeply ashamed of our relationship but I felt mostly stupid about dating a separated man. It felt somehow good to express this to him. I feel healed but after talking to him last friday I felt wound of our relationship reopen again. This causing me some grief. I seek being alone. He never saw my tears, I've learned this week I do not want to spend anymore time grieving a man who held my best interests to his heart.

My journey and work is with my mat. Breathing into my body, I love the breath...the art...oh hatha yoga. You fill my soul my joy and belief I am truly loved by myself first.

Walking into the Light

We do not see Things as they are, We see things as we are Anais Nin

Tonight I am craving a Rumi poem. I craving his peace, his words flow over my mind as it stirs...so busy, my mind chatters and wakes me. It is unsettled... questioning waiting for the sun to rise. Waiting for myself to feel brave. I brace myself for the challenges, I brace myself to be brave and see things differently.

This week I had wonderful monday evening with Roop at Carderos. The meal was amazing and so was the friendship. I loved talking to him and sharing the warm city night with him. I was truly blessed to spend time with him. He made my week brighter. I was sad on wednesday when he left, I miss my friends or maybe the interaction with them. Why do I feel so unsettled when I am alone. What does this bring me discomfort? How to do I settle my mind into the night.

My exam has brought new challenges ....time is slowly disapearing and I am truly at study crunch time. I did not do as well as I wanted to at the Boston Mock exam. I spend a 40 minutes beating myself up. I need to trust myself...I know I am truly on the edge of great things...and this is my moment to be brave....Oh ...I ache... my mind wants to lead me ..... my heart knows... no sword... I follow my soul deep into the extreme.

My memories...all the pictures...drifting ...I am back to being present ...this week .. I was not. I missed yoga...I know..when I fall off balance...I lose touch with present and I need to come back to this place of stillness. I need to find the stillness in my soul.

Rumi on the Outside

The patio door is open...and Rumi waits outside
He wants to come in..to share tea with me
He wants to watch the sunset with me and touch my body

He asked me why I am so sad and afraid

Rumi craves me, he still loves me

After Vancouver: Ode to my City

No one is coming here with out being forever changed. When I walked across the Burrard Street Bridge over ten years I felt freedom and love in my heart. For the first time in my life I could live my life the way I wanted to and crave out my own path. I didn't have ask for any permission to do anything .... I could be anything and reinvent myself. I finally authentic. Crossing bridges or riding on transit have stirred many emotions in me.

My love affair with Vancouver started in East Vancouver standing in the alley behind my Grandpa's house near the Rupert pitch and put. I loved, the smell and noise of big city living. I felt I belonged here and not in Chilliwack...my deepest desire in high school was leave and never come back. I wanted to where the action was. I wanted to live near the ocean ...I wanted to live behind the valley. The farmers, my fellow students who stayed behind to marry and have children. Chilliwack feels like the darkest days of my life. Chilliwack is the weapon which cut through my soul. I knew I die staying there...I had the same feeling in Edmonton, oh freedom and be myself, oh shame I felt and judgement...I enjoyed my time there but I could not call it home. Vancouver feels like home. Strangely I find the island feels like home lately.

This week after two single gin and tonics, nachos, driving lessons number 6 and the most amazing yoga  class. I am in love with city and surround mountains. I feel change is coming and I am excited about my coming freedom. I look forward to being able to go places. My heart has opened again to yoga .... the breath guiding me back to heaven and peace. I am so lucky to have the most wonderful excepting teachers. There wisdom has lead my soul back home again. I am careful with my left hip flexer as it is still very sore and tight. I feel the greatest joy on my mat.

Rob and I are still mending our relationship if this is what we are ... I am not on the island with him this week. I choose to have some me time .... to study, practice yoga and have my driving lesson. I had also promised my IA I would attend his met and greet for staff members. I was nervous about being there ... I have noticed since not working with alot of people in the last year ... I am more awkward in group settings .. so I need to work on spending time with new people. I realized at the table I was older than the girls ... but for the first time I was comfortable with age in my 30's. Slowly I am learning to except myself and love me. Michelle had commented how this is longest she has been single.... 5 months since she was 16. I listened to her.... and smiled. She said it was hard to met people .... I felt and understood ...what she said.

We are working at being whole

I Write my own Options Love Letter Number 2 XOXOX

I feel beautiful knowing you are part of my life -- Author Myself

Heart the world and yoga classes. I feel all my muscles and I know I am stiff but I am love in with thursday night yoga. Sweat dropping from my head and hands. My body working hard, it feels wonderful to attend. I love the way I feel after .... peaceful. I have not had a teacher like this since Shanti in Edmonton. The universe is providing me with the courage to practice flow again. I love the core work in the class...and the way my body shakes. I feel improvement from last week and I can't wait till Sunday morning. Each day I feel growth and somehow growing into something bigger. How I do carry guilt about not contacting my family in almost 3 months. I just do not feel like spending time with them right now or reaching out and making contact but tonight the weather is warm and I feel beautiful sitting at the kitchen table, not weighted down my so many thoughts...not running away.

This week I taken a voyage into the wonderful and colourful world of derivatives. Ohh land of swaps and interest heads fill my head at night ... and the delicious gluten free chocolate chip cookies I just ate.

Last night I did said good bye to Jason .... he finally made contact me and I asked him if he was hit by a bus and he apologized and I said "no worries take care ...and good bye... " I feel in the last couple of months I finally setting myself free and I am standing up for myself. Old me...would have waiting for him to say good bye... even if I was not interested. I am feeling better about myself.. :) ... and I have decided to limited the posts to men or my personal nightmares ... when I read them I feel like their are obituaries to my soul. My soul craves something more deeper and meaning I want to choose to live with the high vibrations of life. Something is my life is coming .... I tried to think of the things I did over the last ten years... I could really only come up with 5

Graduated from University
Traveled to South America
Surfed in Tofino
Roadtrip to LA!
Vegas trip with Stacy
Canoeing in Elk Lake
Dancing at Dave and Kristen's wedding even if they are not friends anymore
Rob and I visiting Kits Beach June 2011

I am stuck on great moments... *sigh*....

The longer term option is generally worth more!

Riding the Ferry from Departure Bay

The 7'clock ferry left late tonight and I will be back on the mainland till after 9:30. Feeling a little sad and lonely. This is the first ferry in a couple of weeks I am taking alone without Rob. We left late on friday night for the island. I was asleep most the trip to Campbell River, we didn't arrive at Rob's cabin till 1:00 am. It feels so good to wake up in his room. The sun comes in early and it bright. The cabin feels peaceful and calm. I feel at home and I enjoy being there. I am wonder if life is really all that simple and the good life is a log cabin with a blueberry vodka and a warm sauna. I am struggling with where I am belong and all of my feels. I feel very unresolved about this but I love being there.

Saturday night we roasted a chicken in the oven and Rob and I went in Campbell River for some shopping. The evening was peaceful and we watched Django Unchained. The movie was violent and forced the viewer to feel uncomfortable by the violence to slaves. 

This morning was a peaceful morning with a smoothie and a sauna. We watched nascar and I studied. I am worried about the exam and I am so close to writing. 

Today's sky is beautiful and those riding with me on the ferry are lucky because the view/sunset is amazing. We live in a beautiful part of world. I often wonder what it would be like to have boat and sail around the straight. 

All the men have vanished in my life. The phone is silent which isn't so bad after spending much of March partying in the city it's nice to return to a quiet pace of Vancouver Island. I feeling very checked out city life and excess drinking and bars. I still miss Zara. 

Four months after Grant, I do not miss him. His conversations or his body. It feels as if he was not a part of my life and just memory. However durning the week I feel angry regarding staying in the relationship to long. His face I can barely remember. I wonder if he lays in bed next to his wife and wonders where I am. I wonder if he thinks about me and how I am doing? And how my life has changed and where I am picking up the pieces where he left me behind. I realized phase was a rebound from Grant ... as I needed someone to notice me and care. I also miss talking to him ... so this leaves me laying in Rob's bed in Campbell River...over thinking ....wondering ... if it's suppose to be him and I. I was thinking I had been laying in this bed for over 13 years. I have been by his side all these years ... and what is stopping us beside my own fear. 

Rob is not a God fearing man or very spirtual but he is enlightened and feel his love. I know he cares even if he does not say it. It's because he holds me sleeps next me. This is why I am sad about going back tonight by myself.. I'll miss his body. I want us to take a road trip when I get my car to states and drive till we see palm trees and California. A part of me feels so deeply in love with CAlifornia all the palm trees and ocean. I 

Island Living

Last couple of weekends I have gone to Campbell River with Rob. I love the Island, it so peaceful there in his home. I love waking up and feeling the sun and the ocean. It feels so wonderful to be away right now. Each breath feels like home. I feel like a regular on BC ferries and chronic to their chicken fingers. We left Saturday for the 10:30 am and stopped in Coombs to look at hand made wooden chairs. Every kept calling me Rob's wife lol. Oddly it didn't feel strange. After ice cream and the purchase of a end table we were back on the road to Campbell River. Rob's cabin was freezing when we arrived. 

I am avoiding my family right now. I have not gone home since Christmas. Their home does not feel like home, just feels odd.  

I am starting to cook again. More adventures, I bought Gwyneth Paltrow's cookbook and I actually like it. It is not difficult to follow at all. I made turkey meatballs last night, I think they need more savory spice but it was an excellent lunch choice today. Meatballs and yams. I am looking forward to yoga class tonight. I can't wait to get back on the mat. I want to feel my body move and stretch. Something truly deep happens to me when I go to class. 

Lately I have more energy and less naps in the afternoon and I think the change in diet was much needed to be a better person. I am less grumpy. 

My exam is coming up soon and I am starting to feel it and notice the change in me as I mentally start to get ready for it. These are my fighting words. The exam will not defeat me this time. 

The Vulnerability Project

I came across some amazing work from Dr Brene Brown regarding vulnerability and shame. Within 20 minutes she has explained my childhood fears of guilty and shame and it seems so simple to understand. I felt most of school days alot of shame about my lack of nice clothes or home regarding my family. My parents were older but did the best they could with the tools they had. I realize this now but not at the time. I felt the most shame in grade five....although it was really after my 30 birthday I was able to explain the experience of sitting at the front of the class by the teacher having all of my classmates say why they didn't like them. This experience is so burned into my mind. It was defining in my childhood. I went from a outgoing student to a shy student afraid to speak my mind. It changed the way I felt about myself. For the first time..I believed them...I was less than. I felt so much shame to be myself ..... as I felt I as not good enough as I am. I removed myself from connection with others ... I didn't want to feel close to anyone so I would not get hurt. What did I realize is that I did needed connection. I became a perfectionist so I would never have to experience criticism like that again. This wound is deep within me. I was afraid to speak my mind or create healthy guide lines. I choose not stand up for myself.

I became very good with being vulnerable with men because I realized this would bring them close to me....which has drawn them but I have not been able to stand up for myself within the relationship after dating a while. I drawn back within myself. This weekend I realized I could be vulnerable with everyone in my life not just men. It was such a ah ha moment. Living with courage and being vulnerable everyday with one you met and not being afraid to make a mistake. Mistakes are ok.

Last night I went for greek food with my friend Brad (old friend from High School). Some how spending time with him has aloud me to be more open and vulnerable. Brad himself is going through I guess a similar crisis. He is now sober 5 months and regularly attends AA meetings. I think its awesome ....and I felt deep connected with his struggle and shame. I disclosed my relationship with married man, since he didn't leave I felt a deep sense of failure and shame. I kept thinking of my mothers voice telling me...I told you so...did you think you where that special. I came to realize the relationship is ok...and I don't need to feel shame about it but its part of my story. I still feel grief regarding this. I still feel shame and grief for sleeping with Phase so soon also. I feel he never saw me for me ...only an sexual object. I beat myself up about these choices. I have come to realize they were not poor choices but I am not messed up...I just messed up for a bit and its ok. I did feel some healing with Brad last night...I felt not judged and I hope he felt not judged either. I did feel hear and seen. So I can shine so bright tonight.... So...as theme of this blog is shifting...to more graditude and positive messages. I hope the brightness of my spirt can shine....and those who read this can see me...and all the vulnerability I have written alot....I hope one day to be brave and share this blog with those who know and care about me....without them...the words and support does not exist. I am truly nothing without those who have loved me.

Parks of the East Side

I've deciced after searching for a unique place to visit this year. I want to go to Sri Lanka to surf and visit in the fall. Somehow after a conversation with a pitch of Tropical Sangria and some tacos at Havana with my friend Jason...I decided I needed to go there. I love East Vancouver I forgot how lively the neighborhood is. We drove past the park I use to play in when I was little at night. My parents use to take me there to watch the view and barges while I swung on the swings. It's the ironic after 30 years the swing set is still there and the view the same. It felt very different and grown up seeing it with Jason in his Audi.  

It felt right .... my heart is just twittering.... actually I am just sleepy today. I couldn't sleep because Rob stayed over and which was annoying to share my bed with. I didn't sleep. I felt uncomfortable and he smelt like bad pizza and weed. What's a girl not to like about this. I am looking forward to curling up in my bed alone and sleeping for the afternoon or at least till when I need to go for a run or buy more toliet paper. My hair is pile of curls and my mind is drifting between sleeping or eatting...or feeling sick when I think of pizza breath. When I slept I could his stinky breath down my back. Gross.

I keep feeling peaceful or I am to exhausted to feel anything else. Peace of Mind is the Single Goal.

I Live with Perfect Health

Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed my yoga practice improve and my body less stiff. The aches from my lower back gone and the hip pain reducing. This journey back to balance since January has one of great change as I explore so many different dynamic in my life. How so much has changed in the last year and even the last three months. I am coming to terms with grieving of the end of the relationship with Grant. I have moved into the anger place. All things lately trigger me ....but I love decided to write a love letter to myself. Expressing all the kindness I believe share and give to other people I've decided today to give kindness to myself. Instead of beating myself down. I came across the 4 questions from Byron Katie today...I am stuck on question 3 and 4. What would I be without this thought??? What could I achieve? ....

Love Letter To Myself.

I use to write these letters to men I shared my body with...today I am writing this letter to person I share my soul with. I love myself and  express kindness with each thought and each intention. I am the creator of my universe and I truly believe I am loved not just by myself but my others around me. I am kind and truly grateful for this life and all of my experiences. All are an expression of love. I choose love today, I choose to live with love in my heart. Love is my greatest desire. I use to believe I could only feel this when someone else loved me but I am learning the greatest love to love myself first. My heart yesterday in yoga was opening it's self again. I felt bliss....I felt stronger, each day, each breath bringing me back to life, bringing me back to myself. All the things I can achieve.....is possible cause today I wrote a love to myself.

XOXOXXOX!!!!!!!

Ode To Brunettes the Other Kinda Girl

I am jealous or annoyed of girls with Brown hair. the kinda of Anne Hathaway luck at life or grief or however they go about the things they do....I guess they feel important too. I am to stubborn lately or out of touch....I feel angry when I allow myself to feel my emotions. This week...another rebound I was angry at Grant...steaming mad again about my birthday and how he could not send a small little text. Even months after this event I am angry...frustrated. Annoyed. I ask myself I am still loveable??? It is just sex men only want from me. I feeling so annoyed with men lately. I am just angry and short fused. So I am back on my man break studying like a crazy lady for my CFA...shaking durning downward dog cussing out...all the yogis in my class...I cuss I say bad words and I don't always buy organic food! I dye my hair cause I love it....I give head to men who don't deserve it. I sell myself short. I feel to ashamed to stand up for myself. Ohhh this blog is nothing short of positive messages today. I call bullshit on everyone tweeting happy graditude! Fuck!

I just want to feel my grumpiness ....I just want to smoke a bowl. I want to stew on this and go back to being a bad girl...The kind that does want to fit it with the driven brunettes of the world.

The universe is sending me a series of men who have high sex drives. I think the universe wants to punish me or make my cunt sore every sunday night. I am so exhausted from men and their sexual desires and needs. I am tried feeling icky or like I have to make this objection to them for buying me dinner. I am so so exhausted. I want to me seen for me. I want to loved for the authentic me. I tried of the merry go round of friends with benefits. I think I just need a break from everyone. For tonight my heart hurts and I want to sink into the feelings because I allowed it to feel this way. I wanted to be expection with men....I wanted them to feel differently about me. I wanted them to love me... for now I will have to work on loving myself. I don't want to be another Sylvia Plath ...head in the oven...but tonight feels this way.

Finding Kindness

My heart wants me to kind, it seeks kindness for myself. Last night my mind kept me awake ... the anxious chatter ... I almost want to name the voice that does not sleep. No silence, no sleep. The voice limiting my peace. I am not sure what lesson the universe wants me to know. It felt so aggressive. Why is this energy coming to me, I feel like my energy is draining away.

I am sitting my kitchen this evening in my pajama pants and a hoodie. Monday .... feeling off. This is a short week for me. I feel lucky the office is closed on friday. I am still undecided Campbell River or Chilliwack. I have not seen my family since December. Looks like it's going to be a valley weekend. I am planning on leaving on Saturday.

Energy is all around me. I feel surrounded, it feels out of control. I feel out of control. Is it telling me I do need control and I am taken care of. I struggle with wanting to let go ... release. I keep seeking the big release. All these questions in my head. My heart filled so big, it wants to burst.

Yesterday I ran and ran. It felt like my legs could carry me forever. Feels like the runners high once your body gets use to the pace. It eases into the run and the panic stops. Each breath, is soothing. All the thoughts in my mind drifting. This is part of yesterday I carry into today. My mind wants to run. All day at my desk. I want to run run run run...away. Chasing .....

I had dinner with Phase last night. It felt comfortable and I was the most authentic I've been. I saw him for who he is. We both just humans and faulty. We had tea in my small apartment and laid on my bed. I question if he is zapping all my energy. I felt the awkwardness about answering why I ran after we had sex. I ran because I was scared. I felt unworthy and my body felt rush and naked in his bed. In the moment. I was raw and mumbling. So left and I know it has left some scars. But for last night I enjoyed the moment of being held in his arms even if it might be the last. I don't want to learn how to be present by living in fear. My experiences with him are challenging my anxious mind as it wants to feel secure. It wants security there will be another moment like this. Except I don't know.... and the unknown is feeding the anxious chatter.

So much is unknown right now, my finances, my job, my exams. So much to offer..... for release. I guess want any kind of security ... some kind deposit .... things will be ok next week. My heart is trying to find balance, trying to be flexible. Trying to be kind to myself. Trying to release the anxious attachment. Trying to be myself

What if it all Means Something

Another week in March is ending. I loved Yoga class today, it felt so good to be back on the mat. My arms burning after 20 minutes. Each downward dog I struggled. The class was small and I was reminded of Saturday afternoons at Shanti Yoga in Edmonton. It's been over a year since I did yoga 5 times a week. I feel alittle out shape. My mind feels shapeless today too.

This weekend was has been relaxing and breezy. I enjoyed laying in bed by myself this morning. My bed felt so comfortable and I was enjoying the stillness and how quiet it was.

I met Jason for drinks and dinner on Wednesday night. It was nice to met some new company and he is very different from the other men I have dated recently. Although I did have a good time, I am open to another date. I am very undecided on Mr Right ...but I have lotsa options and I am no rush. I am actually enjoying my time and it feels good. Another surprise this week Phase asked me to go hiking or kayaking with him on Sunday, so I agreed. I am unsure how I will feel tomorrow but I am opening myself to the surprise and I have to remember I was really unsure of meeting him originally and that night was alot of fun.

I just to focus on myself. The weather is beautiful in Vancouver and spring is everywhere. It feels good to be in the city and I am feeling full of life again.

Work is still the same...I am still waiting for information ... it would be nice to be in a different position by May :) ...Fingers crossed I know my career is about the take off and change.

My teeth are finally fixed. I spent two hours on Thursday in the dentist chair and it was draining. At least I could watch Oprah and listen to music. My jaw is finally feeling better and tomorrow I might be able to eat more solid foods.

Today home is in my heart, and my heart is being more open. Om .... balance centre ..

Stuck in my Head

I've been living in my head for the last 32 years. The chatter, the dialog, the noise, and day dreaming. I have been living inside and not on the out. No one knows what is going on up there and I have a difficult time concentrating on tasks lately. My mind always drifting wanting. I feel so afraid to live from the outside, so afraid to be judged. I want to be more authentic. I want to stop seeking others approval. I feel nervous when I am outside and with others. I am so afraid to be myself. I have this fake person who arrives everyday at work and goes home. Who I am.....who is chatter in my mind I so want to silence. What happens to girl who grows up and has not out grown deep thoughts. I was told this phase would end. Somehow when I look in the mirror I don't see myself anymore. I see an older me...I am not sure I like this person. I am so afraid lately of aging. I notice the changes in my skin, shape of my eyes. I know...when people look at me they see a women in her 30's. I no longer pass for a girl in her 20's. My early 20's so far away and distance.

I realized I am ten years old than some of the students in my CFA class. I had to sit back and think about this. It felt shocking. My in the way i felt surprised I was no longer a teenager. Can 30 something be cool? By 30 we all have baggage, so what is mine?

Rob is aging too, he is bald man sleeping beside me. His eyes are slowly stinking back into his head. I feel awful to say this. I do not find him attractive anymore. I close my eyes when we have sex. I feel disgusted by his body and face. Rob is like a horny dog trying to mate with me. Lately sex feels disgusting since sleeping with Phase. I feel uncomfortable with him and somehow I miss his emails and Rumi poems. I am not sure what to do with his energy. A small part of me wishes he would text or email but I know this might not happen. I have to let go of the emotion. Its the emotion that is controlling me. I am 32 and I have slept with 11 men. 4 men I enjoyed their love making ... the others...not memorable. However I miss Grant...the chubby accountant. I shake my head at spending a year with a married man. For this experience....I spend more time waiting, dressed in lingerie and crying.

Today was a regular monday at work and I lost another toe nail from running. I opened the office and sat in my chair. I watch the clouds past downtown and filed through my paperwork. The office is busy right now which is nice. It stops my mind from drifting. I am waiting and waiting. Another sandwich and coffee which has an after taste like motor oil. Another day pacing back and forward. I want to grow ...I want to run... I want to set my mind free.

Life is not unkind...life is very giving to me. All my experiences i am truly blessed. For all the gifts giving me I am lucky. I know....the journey is not always easy... :) Spring is coming...but I am enjoying the present moment :) I don't want it stop.  

Spring Cleaning

This week at Sunday, I was reminded Spring is coming and with spring comes new projects and letting go of the old. This week I have cleaned house of most the undesirable men in my life. I have let go of two. Tonight I celebrated turfing Phase by going to yoga, watching Girls and eating a donut. I so wanted to send an email explaining myself to him. Inside I am choosing self dignity instead. I think he already nows. I feel sad today. This year started of rocky with me laying on the floor at the Westin crying in Edmonton. My heart still feel weak. At 32 I feel lonely today, I want a mate. I want to share my life but I am having difficulty find one and finding a healthy man. I think of many of my relationships lasted to long due my attachment disorder. My fear of being alone so I hung on to any man if was kinda nice in the beginning. Phase was nice to me at first, but I also felt uncomfortable with him. I truly only felt comfortable with him on the third date. For rushing into sex I felt bad and I felt I owed it to him. Which made me feel icky and worst. I could not stomach sitting next to him at the movies and being sent home along, having him turn on it me..that he was the nice guy. I wanted him to know he was being lazy. So I stayed in.

Rob arrived before 11 and came with BC ferry chicken fingers. Somehow chicken fingers in bed with Rob felt warmer than sitting in the movies with Phase. I could not sleep last night. My minding stirring about the events, processing wondering if this was the right choose. Rob left at 6 am for work and I finally slept till 9. I do not want to go to work tomorrow. I want another day off. I feel drained but I was glad I was home most of the weekend. It felt good to clean and get stuff done around here. I think I needed a detox from night life.

Yoga felt good but my hip flexers ache and are very sore and tight. My mind had a hard time focusing on class and kept drifting and chattering with it's self. When I woke from corpse pose I had the words You are perfect as you are...You are the star. Hearing this gave me comfort.

I have lots to look forward to this week. I can finally hear about my job. I really feel I deserve an interview in person downtown. I need refocus on my CFA program and heal my heart. I feel I have made progress since Jan and finally had the courage to let go of Grant.

I need to worry less about men and more about men. I want to feel good most of the time. I want to feel present instead of drifting. For these are my spring cleaning goals. Pray for my dental fillings on thursday. I hope they heal .....This sunday is close but the start of something new and wonderful.

Watching Girls

I am so hooked on HBO's Girls, OMG ....reminds me of when I first moved to Vancouver. Tonight I am waiting for the 9 o'clock ferry to arrive at Horsebay. Rob is on it and is staying the night. I miss him and want to be close to his body. I feel really sexy right now in bed wearing a tank top and Victoria Secret Bra and thong. I love this set. I bought it for Grant in Vegas except I do not think he did liked it. My mind is full of so many thoughts. My apartment feels dark and happy. Someone has their music to loud and hear the base through my floor. 

I felt the most amazing yesterday on the massage table. I was so relaxed I felt like was dreaming and did not have a care in the world. Everything felt blissful, my muscles felt so relaxed. 

This evening I am missing Paris. I want coffee, fancy panties, little desserts. Walking on cobble streets. I want to smell the old world. Travel drift away from this life. 

So I turfed Phase tonight, he waiting and did not confirm plan. He suggested seeing a movie in North Vancouver. I felt annoyed and did not want to see a movie. I didn't want to go home alone and watch him drive away and go poof....I didn't want to feel uncomfortable. So I told him I felt really awkward about the movie thing and I didn't like the last minute plans. He said fair enough, he was feeling off the last couple of days. So...I deleted his message and decided to try something different. I don't want to drag this out. It doesn't feel good for me. I feel uncomfortable. I guess the dating coach does not have all the moves. 

Grant texted me on Thursday and I delated him too. I have had enough .... he crossed the line. I think I am going through a man cleanse. 

So here I am alone in my room watching Girls. And I love it. I feel I am becoming whole again.

Somebody Elses Husband

Yesterday there was heavy rain in the Vancouver. It felt like the city was bleeding and crying. It would only make me feel so dark. I received some text messages yesterday from my ex's wife. It was strange and odd...but  I expected I would have a confrontation from her. I knew she wanted to reach out to me, I felt she needed to know what happened between me and her husband. I realize now I will forever haunt her marriage and will always be the stranger in her bedroom.

She come across some of my texts on his phone. She sent a message we can't be friends I am working on my marriage. The next messages are a series of blurry images. I become frustrated and using feeling language to express myself. I felt awkward I feel used. I felt bad for her because I realized she might have not have known I was in Edmonton in January. We are both caught .... I feel free because I can move on and leave this awful place. I do not like this feeling. I do not trust him or myself with him  Oh what a terrible place to image ...to wake up... and not know your partner. I am do not know Grant...he is a mystery to me. I want to be rid of his energy and bad faith. I am not sure what the future holds for Grant and his wife. God needs a man with big balls and forgiveness to step up and own this mess.

This past week I have been wrestling so with many emotions. I think I need another man break. I am feeling very overwhelmed by men and masculine energy lately, I feel it's taking to much from me and not giving enough back. For this reason I stopped cold turkey last night. more reasons to focus on my CFA.

I did something out of character for myself last Thursday night. I slept with Phase. I stood infront of his building Thursday night knowing it was only for a sexual encoutner. Standing at the corner of Georgia and Bute I was thinking you can run away you dont have to comprise yourself. I felt like I was cheating myself and him of a discover phase of dating. Deep down inside I didn't want to go there...I only wanted to be treasured. I felt discomfort and confusion. I am on the rebound from a married man with a dating/life coach. And I am not feeling any good dating advice or comfort from either! Around 12 pm I felt restless..I needed to leave...his apartment...I didn't want to stay. I felt scared. The carnival of emotions inside of me is stirring ... After this I am left with only Rumi quoates and a couple of nice dinners. However I will always feel lucky he took me to see Michael Meade. Today I am in the ashes not sure how to get out.

Friday afternoon after feeling exhausted and enjoying a burger at work. I packed my bags and left for the island. I feel asleep on the ferry crossing to Departure Bay. Rob met picked me up on the other side. I guess I was difficult for most of the weekend. I think I am going to have to pull back...and find a place of kindness towards to him. We had a beautiful drive along the coast Sunday. All the small towns are so lovely. I feel free in Campbell River and love his log home. The house is full of light and blessings. It's healing. Sunday morning is waking up together ...wrapped in bed and seeing the ocean. For these experiences I am lucky.

I am taking some advice from Rori Raye today and looking out the window ....here are somethings I love
Yoga, running, the ocean, surfing, road trips, Lisa, Stacy and studying for my CFA, buying dishes in France, having a coffee in Buenos Aires. I am looking out the window...and seeing my present moment. The sky is clear....and the journey contunies.       

The Ashes

I love vodka sodas...and the city of Vancouver. Last night I am so present and so thankful for the very special evening. For all experiences I know I am blessed.

With the end of RSP season coming, this week has been so busy and felt draining. I can hardly keep up with my work. For everything....and every moment I trust in the universe and I know I am taken care of.

Last night I went to see Michael Meade..I was moved my his performance. I realized OM is home...and when I chanting Om I am coming home back to self...my home is my heart and always with me. I just made the connection last night. I also realized why when things get tough we have to reinvent the way we found happiness...we are always learning...and getting back to happiness is always a sliding scale. However it's the journey...I was so moved by his ideas about story telling and myths...and how we don't share stories in our western culture....and why this is so important. Where are the wise people and who will stand up and lead....elders hold all the wisdom....why are fewer older people stepping up. We spend so much time challenging younger people...I want to challenge older people....to set up and speak out for change....so much chatter in my mind. So many gifts last night...We all get stuck in the ashes...time to rise up....find the spark...

I had a wonder dinner at East is East...and drank the most lovely chai! After at 1:00 we went to the Foundation for nachos and wow...amazing...for the middle of night...I forgot how much I loved being out late at night...it has been along time...since I have done that... :) for the experience I shared I feel lucky...so blessed to have good conversation and food...

Today has been a slow Saturday night and I trying to study. I found my love for accounting this week...slowly falling back into the CFA grove...so slowly getting back studying. So much to do ....so many gifts to share....

I have spent so much time thinking small and holding myself back...afraid of judgement from others. I held so tightly to my experience in grade 5 .....and the public shaming I felt by classmates....now I am starting to forgive...starting to let people in....starting to move on....I never knew how deeply this experience shaped my reality. I learned I could not trust...all these stories...I told myself....now no longer serve me. Now I share a new story. Today I feel beautiful and accepted by myself. No more weak heart. All Brave soul.....all good here tonight on the North Shore...my heart is at peace.

I Love all the Songs from Grade 12

I am reliving something from my past, I can't stop listening to songs from my days as a teenage. I keep hearing them in public restrooms. I am hooked on the melodies and how all the memories flood back to me. They fill my conscience and make me so present. I feel drunk and hopeful. All things coming circle. So help me feel love again...I have chosen to fill my ipod with love songs...and started slowly warming up to love again. I can't say I am fully healed but I am getting closer. And I know...it wont be long now, till the attachment fades. He will soon be part of my past and not my conscience. I have new story and new goals. In time...

Today is a special day for me. Last year at this time Stacy and I were eating at the Oil Lamp having Greek food and saying good bye...it was my last day in Edmonton, my last night. I slept alone in my apartment on a old sheet. Hopeful for my move. With my bags packed ....I took one last look at my apartment at 9820 104 street, I was ready. The room was filled with light, it looked the same as the first time I saw it. Bright. It was a strange day because I saying good bye. Good bye to city where I had called home for 7 years. It was time to go...I was ready. However I never really felt I said good bye till Roop drove me to the airport....last January. A lot has changed in the past year, many good some lessons. All that happened as the universe has planned for me. I am blessed and taken care of. I am so grateful for this journey....the universe lets my heart smile. I will never live in Edmonton again. It will never be my home...it was part of the journey I was sent on.

Two weekends ago I went to Campbell River with Rob. It was a magic and restful weekend. It was so nice to spend time with him in his new house and share his excitement. The house is beautiful of log cabin one block away from the ocean. It was an amazing to wake up to see the ocean. I felt at peace. Each moment we shared from making breakfast together to spending time in the sauna. Of course I was alittle tipsy drunk from blueberry vodka. Somehow traveling on BC ferries ... I feel like I am resolving something. I find the ferry ride peaceful. So looking forward to going back to visit in the next coming weeks. I really want to bake a chicken dinner for him. He holds my heart so dearly. For his love I am truly blessed. My heart is always at home in his arms.

Since my break up with a married man...I have decided I would to trying dating again and I feel ready to meet some people. I had an awesome date on friday with a very enlightened man. I have not known someone so spirtual but not in annoying granola way. It was nice to share some conversation and couple of drinks at Carderos in Coal Harbour. I do look forward to maybe spending some more time with him in the future. I felt very comfortable. Very strange...we both feel we are always helping our partners to improve themselves...so what does this mean for us????

This weekend was my long weekend. It was restful...I was so lazy on Saturday...I just wanted to sleep. I finally found my way to yoga studio. I went back home...to Todd's class. He started the class with some amazing words...he said we all start first times. Remember your first yoga class, your first day at a new job....lets embrace the new experience. These words felt healing to me....as I started to hate yoga...and associate it with the married man. However I choose to start over again...and I felt my heart melt and open. So lucky to come back to mat....as it was always there for me.

Another Type of Love

This week has been up and down. Many emotions and finding out so many truths. I am taking care of myself. Each morning meditating and forgiving myself. I am good enough and just ok...the way I am. Words to live by...

Last week I said good bye...I knew I was flying to Edmonton to do this. I cried after he said he could not give me what I wanted. Actually he never could give me what I wanted. I feel silly, I stayed in a relationship with a married/separated man. He used all my tears for the past year.

I spent Sunday with Stacy and Roop. I felt frantic in Edmonton. I wanted to fly away so badly and get home and see the ocean. I know my life belongs here, its a feeling felt for years and finally I made the choice to choose me. It was tearing me up inside trying to decide and be stuck in between.

Roop drove me to airport....I felt my body and my soul say good bye to the city. I was ready to leave. I felt there was nothing left of me there. Sunday morning when I woke up in the Westin....I looked out over the greyish city. Dirty now from snow and sand....and everything I disliked about Edmonton rose to the top....all of this reminding why I was leaving. Why I was coming home. Everything was about me coming back to myself. I wonder what had happened and changed over a year. In room 1720 I was alone...alone with my thoughts standing in a bathrobe. Trying to piece back together a year of my life with him. I knew I would he was gone...and now I had I left too....nothing was left to discuss or correct. He wanted to drive me to the airport but I could not let him...I could not say good bye again. I could not go to that place and feel all the emotions I had inside. I could not harm myself that way. So this way it ended. It ended in a hotel room on a winter night in Edmonton.

This week I have myself busy. My CFA program started again which I love studying and I feel at home in the program. It was nice to see the class of people again. It felt like progress even if it was small. Work has been very busy also. The pace of my job keeps me moving....than it happened

Friday night Rob stayed the night....I had him stay in bed and he held onto me all night. I did not want to sleep alone. Where things left off last year, I damaged the trust between us and I know it. I know I hurt him but somehow I needed to go through this journey. His body touching mine for the last 14 years. Last night I saw the wrinkles around his eyes. I saw him aging. I am not unsure about us....I am unsure about trying to reconnect. Each day....no rush..

New Me All Over Again

I came home single. After almost a year...its done. I feel sad and I ache...but we can not go any further ... I can not move...he can not move. His kids can not accept me. For all of these reasons it is done. And my soul misses his...I feel cold and sad. I can not reach for his comfort anymore. Tonight I let go. Tomorrow I heal

No Heaven Waiting for You

A word I never thought I would hear to describe me .... "stepmom" ...so foreign is the concept or thought. Me a "stepmom", the world is now spinning out of control. First I don't know anything about being a guardian or I lack any material skills. I am not really motherly or teacher like. I am more my own person. Stepmom is a negative term and feels like a nasty word to call someone. No one really wants or likes their stepmom, worst no one's extend family wants one too. No one is excited to me you ....instead everyone is suspicious of you. So here I am ...at a cross road in this relationship. Do I go forward and try to embrace step family life. Welcome to instance family or cut lose and try to meet a man without kids. I do know...I will not date a man with children living at home again. If this is one lesson I have learned from this relationship.

Christmas was a peaceful this year. I was walking up Lonsdale Christmas Eve and for the first time I felt the Christmas spirt. I took the train to Mission to met my Mom. I even attended a Christmas Eve church service for the first time in years. Which I was not really annoyed by the message. My sister always extra annoying at Christmas. Knitted everyone scarfs. My highlight was annual Christmas pototoes and listening to my cousin in law Pam talk how pregnant she was. Everyone is excited. I felt disapointment. This is was another painful reminding of experiences I will never feel.

Lisa visited for her birthday and spent a night the Soleil Hotel downtown. It was beautiful, I really enjoyed the evening of pizza and drinks and shopping the next day. The waitress at the hotel Vancouver accidently ordered crab cakes instead of pancakes for me when we had breakfast at Griffins.

This weekend I have felt depressed and it has been hard to get out of bed. I feel exhausted and angry. Right now just depressed. I am not sure what to do...I am unclear if I should end this relationship because I am not image myself in second place another person's home. I am just angry at the situation, there is nothing I can do...accept it or move on. Today I am thinking I should move on. Cut my loses before they get overwhelming and find someone who can truly be love with me. I'm asking to much.

Count down to CFA two more weeks. Something to look forward to.