I came across some amazing work from Dr Brene Brown regarding vulnerability and shame. Within 20 minutes she has explained my childhood fears of guilty and shame and it seems so simple to understand. I felt most of school days alot of shame about my lack of nice clothes or home regarding my family. My parents were older but did the best they could with the tools they had. I realize this now but not at the time. I felt the most shame in grade five....although it was really after my 30 birthday I was able to explain the experience of sitting at the front of the class by the teacher having all of my classmates say why they didn't like them. This experience is so burned into my mind. It was defining in my childhood. I went from a outgoing student to a shy student afraid to speak my mind. It changed the way I felt about myself. For the first time..I believed them...I was less than. I felt so much shame to be myself ..... as I felt I as not good enough as I am. I removed myself from connection with others ... I didn't want to feel close to anyone so I would not get hurt. What did I realize is that I did needed connection. I became a perfectionist so I would never have to experience criticism like that again. This wound is deep within me. I was afraid to speak my mind or create healthy guide lines. I choose not stand up for myself.
I became very good with being vulnerable with men because I realized this would bring them close to me....which has drawn them but I have not been able to stand up for myself within the relationship after dating a while. I drawn back within myself. This weekend I realized I could be vulnerable with everyone in my life not just men. It was such a ah ha moment. Living with courage and being vulnerable everyday with one you met and not being afraid to make a mistake. Mistakes are ok.
Last night I went for greek food with my friend Brad (old friend from High School). Some how spending time with him has aloud me to be more open and vulnerable. Brad himself is going through I guess a similar crisis. He is now sober 5 months and regularly attends AA meetings. I think its awesome ....and I felt deep connected with his struggle and shame. I disclosed my relationship with married man, since he didn't leave I felt a deep sense of failure and shame. I kept thinking of my mothers voice telling me...I told you so...did you think you where that special. I came to realize the relationship is ok...and I don't need to feel shame about it but its part of my story. I still feel grief regarding this. I still feel shame and grief for sleeping with Phase so soon also. I feel he never saw me for me ...only an sexual object. I beat myself up about these choices. I have come to realize they were not poor choices but I am not messed up...I just messed up for a bit and its ok. I did feel some healing with Brad last night...I felt not judged and I hope he felt not judged either. I did feel hear and seen. So I can shine so bright tonight.... So...as theme of this blog is shifting...to more graditude and positive messages. I hope the brightness of my spirt can shine....and those who read this can see me...and all the vulnerability I have written alot....I hope one day to be brave and share this blog with those who know and care about me....without them...the words and support does not exist. I am truly nothing without those who have loved me.
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