Riding the Ferry from Departure Bay

The 7'clock ferry left late tonight and I will be back on the mainland till after 9:30. Feeling a little sad and lonely. This is the first ferry in a couple of weeks I am taking alone without Rob. We left late on friday night for the island. I was asleep most the trip to Campbell River, we didn't arrive at Rob's cabin till 1:00 am. It feels so good to wake up in his room. The sun comes in early and it bright. The cabin feels peaceful and calm. I feel at home and I enjoy being there. I am wonder if life is really all that simple and the good life is a log cabin with a blueberry vodka and a warm sauna. I am struggling with where I am belong and all of my feels. I feel very unresolved about this but I love being there.

Saturday night we roasted a chicken in the oven and Rob and I went in Campbell River for some shopping. The evening was peaceful and we watched Django Unchained. The movie was violent and forced the viewer to feel uncomfortable by the violence to slaves. 

This morning was a peaceful morning with a smoothie and a sauna. We watched nascar and I studied. I am worried about the exam and I am so close to writing. 

Today's sky is beautiful and those riding with me on the ferry are lucky because the view/sunset is amazing. We live in a beautiful part of world. I often wonder what it would be like to have boat and sail around the straight. 

All the men have vanished in my life. The phone is silent which isn't so bad after spending much of March partying in the city it's nice to return to a quiet pace of Vancouver Island. I feeling very checked out city life and excess drinking and bars. I still miss Zara. 

Four months after Grant, I do not miss him. His conversations or his body. It feels as if he was not a part of my life and just memory. However durning the week I feel angry regarding staying in the relationship to long. His face I can barely remember. I wonder if he lays in bed next to his wife and wonders where I am. I wonder if he thinks about me and how I am doing? And how my life has changed and where I am picking up the pieces where he left me behind. I realized phase was a rebound from Grant ... as I needed someone to notice me and care. I also miss talking to him ... so this leaves me laying in Rob's bed in Campbell River...over thinking ....wondering ... if it's suppose to be him and I. I was thinking I had been laying in this bed for over 13 years. I have been by his side all these years ... and what is stopping us beside my own fear. 

Rob is not a God fearing man or very spirtual but he is enlightened and feel his love. I know he cares even if he does not say it. It's because he holds me sleeps next me. This is why I am sad about going back tonight by myself.. I'll miss his body. I want us to take a road trip when I get my car to states and drive till we see palm trees and California. A part of me feels so deeply in love with CAlifornia all the palm trees and ocean. I