A word I never thought I would hear to describe me .... "stepmom" ...so foreign is the concept or thought. Me a "stepmom", the world is now spinning out of control. First I don't know anything about being a guardian or I lack any material skills. I am not really motherly or teacher like. I am more my own person. Stepmom is a negative term and feels like a nasty word to call someone. No one really wants or likes their stepmom, worst no one's extend family wants one too. No one is excited to me you ....instead everyone is suspicious of you. So here I am ...at a cross road in this relationship. Do I go forward and try to embrace step family life. Welcome to instance family or cut lose and try to meet a man without kids. I do know...I will not date a man with children living at home again. If this is one lesson I have learned from this relationship.
Christmas was a peaceful this year. I was walking up Lonsdale Christmas Eve and for the first time I felt the Christmas spirt. I took the train to Mission to met my Mom. I even attended a Christmas Eve church service for the first time in years. Which I was not really annoyed by the message. My sister always extra annoying at Christmas. Knitted everyone scarfs. My highlight was annual Christmas pototoes and listening to my cousin in law Pam talk how pregnant she was. Everyone is excited. I felt disapointment. This is was another painful reminding of experiences I will never feel.
Lisa visited for her birthday and spent a night the Soleil Hotel downtown. It was beautiful, I really enjoyed the evening of pizza and drinks and shopping the next day. The waitress at the hotel Vancouver accidently ordered crab cakes instead of pancakes for me when we had breakfast at Griffins.
This weekend I have felt depressed and it has been hard to get out of bed. I feel exhausted and angry. Right now just depressed. I am not sure what to do...I am unclear if I should end this relationship because I am not image myself in second place another person's home. I am just angry at the situation, there is nothing I can do...accept it or move on. Today I am thinking I should move on. Cut my loses before they get overwhelming and find someone who can truly be love with me. I'm asking to much.
Count down to CFA two more weeks. Something to look forward to.
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