Another Type of Love

This week has been up and down. Many emotions and finding out so many truths. I am taking care of myself. Each morning meditating and forgiving myself. I am good enough and just ok...the way I am. Words to live by...

Last week I said good bye...I knew I was flying to Edmonton to do this. I cried after he said he could not give me what I wanted. Actually he never could give me what I wanted. I feel silly, I stayed in a relationship with a married/separated man. He used all my tears for the past year.

I spent Sunday with Stacy and Roop. I felt frantic in Edmonton. I wanted to fly away so badly and get home and see the ocean. I know my life belongs here, its a feeling felt for years and finally I made the choice to choose me. It was tearing me up inside trying to decide and be stuck in between.

Roop drove me to airport....I felt my body and my soul say good bye to the city. I was ready to leave. I felt there was nothing left of me there. Sunday morning when I woke up in the Westin....I looked out over the greyish city. Dirty now from snow and sand....and everything I disliked about Edmonton rose to the top....all of this reminding why I was leaving. Why I was coming home. Everything was about me coming back to myself. I wonder what had happened and changed over a year. In room 1720 I was alone...alone with my thoughts standing in a bathrobe. Trying to piece back together a year of my life with him. I knew I would he was gone...and now I had I left too....nothing was left to discuss or correct. He wanted to drive me to the airport but I could not let him...I could not say good bye again. I could not go to that place and feel all the emotions I had inside. I could not harm myself that way. So this way it ended. It ended in a hotel room on a winter night in Edmonton.

This week I have myself busy. My CFA program started again which I love studying and I feel at home in the program. It was nice to see the class of people again. It felt like progress even if it was small. Work has been very busy also. The pace of my job keeps me moving....than it happened

Friday night Rob stayed the night....I had him stay in bed and he held onto me all night. I did not want to sleep alone. Where things left off last year, I damaged the trust between us and I know it. I know I hurt him but somehow I needed to go through this journey. His body touching mine for the last 14 years. Last night I saw the wrinkles around his eyes. I saw him aging. I am not unsure about us....I am unsure about trying to reconnect. Each day....no rush..