Ferry to my Vacation

Riding the 7 o'clock ferry to Departure Bay Vancouver Island. I'm going to visit Rob for a couple if days. I'm feeling exhausted after the staff event today. After two drinks I'm feeling bagged. I'm wishing I was at home in bed. I'm feeling excited to spend a couple of days with Rob.

I'm struggling with myself lately?? I'm questioning if I'm truly selfish. ??  How much of myself I'm I willing to share ?? Do I just live for myself. ?? Treat my partners equally ?? What kinda partner I'm I ?

These questions till my mind as the ferry crawls across the Georgia Straight. How much of myself do I need to share ??  And is this selfishness keeping me from not being married or being stable relationship. I keep thinking about rob and our last fight .... How he doesn't feel there is a place for me in my life. Could my life be only organized for myself.

Today was my last day at work for two weeks:) I'm so excited  and I can't believe soon ill be leave on plane to Managua. My heart is excited about my adventure but I'm taking this adventure solo? Does this me selfish ?

This year three of my ex's got engaged its strange to think of them getting married and I'm here ..., not ... I'm not even close to getting married or giving my heart to someone. I'm
Feel like I'm getting closer to find love. I was thinking yesterday about grade 5 ... The day when my self esteem changed forever. I still see myself sitting by her teacher at the side of classroom. The day she let my fellow students insult me ... They tossed everything at me ... Names telling me why they didnt like me. It was the most painful moment of my childhood. I never felt so alone in my life. I still feel the tears coming from eyes 25 years later. After the spring of grade 5 ...  My self esteem sank so low. I never talked about this moment till I was 30 in therapy. My therapist listened ... She said that must of been an awful experience. I feel released .... It was ok to be hurt and embarrassed. Often I feel like the same grade 5 girl sitting in the front of class with her classmates insulting her. I want to tell myself ... It's ok ... Tell the girl she will be ok. I want to tell my grade five teacher ... This was the most horrible experience of my life. I sank inside of myself hide myself ... Stop trusting ... Because I trusted my grade five teacher everything was going to be ok and she would have my back but she didnt. She let me fall ... I want to trust ... I want to believe others wont let me fall. I want to trust rob ...

I'm toren apart inside ...no one knows me. No one can see me and this is my choice. I want to be seen. I want to be heard ... I want to feel love although I'm Not sure what that feels like. It scares me how I've normalized a life alone and I've created this life.

I will be in Central America soon ...