Stuck in my Head

I've been living in my head for the last 32 years. The chatter, the dialog, the noise, and day dreaming. I have been living inside and not on the out. No one knows what is going on up there and I have a difficult time concentrating on tasks lately. My mind always drifting wanting. I feel so afraid to live from the outside, so afraid to be judged. I want to be more authentic. I want to stop seeking others approval. I feel nervous when I am outside and with others. I am so afraid to be myself. I have this fake person who arrives everyday at work and goes home. Who I am.....who is chatter in my mind I so want to silence. What happens to girl who grows up and has not out grown deep thoughts. I was told this phase would end. Somehow when I look in the mirror I don't see myself anymore. I see an older me...I am not sure I like this person. I am so afraid lately of aging. I notice the changes in my skin, shape of my eyes. I know...when people look at me they see a women in her 30's. I no longer pass for a girl in her 20's. My early 20's so far away and distance.

I realized I am ten years old than some of the students in my CFA class. I had to sit back and think about this. It felt shocking. My in the way i felt surprised I was no longer a teenager. Can 30 something be cool? By 30 we all have baggage, so what is mine?

Rob is aging too, he is bald man sleeping beside me. His eyes are slowly stinking back into his head. I feel awful to say this. I do not find him attractive anymore. I close my eyes when we have sex. I feel disgusted by his body and face. Rob is like a horny dog trying to mate with me. Lately sex feels disgusting since sleeping with Phase. I feel uncomfortable with him and somehow I miss his emails and Rumi poems. I am not sure what to do with his energy. A small part of me wishes he would text or email but I know this might not happen. I have to let go of the emotion. Its the emotion that is controlling me. I am 32 and I have slept with 11 men. 4 men I enjoyed their love making ... the others...not memorable. However I miss Grant...the chubby accountant. I shake my head at spending a year with a married man. For this experience....I spend more time waiting, dressed in lingerie and crying.

Today was a regular monday at work and I lost another toe nail from running. I opened the office and sat in my chair. I watch the clouds past downtown and filed through my paperwork. The office is busy right now which is nice. It stops my mind from drifting. I am waiting and waiting. Another sandwich and coffee which has an after taste like motor oil. Another day pacing back and forward. I want to grow ...I want to run... I want to set my mind free.

Life is not unkind...life is very giving to me. All my experiences i am truly blessed. For all the gifts giving me I am lucky. I know....the journey is not always easy... :) Spring is coming...but I am enjoying the present moment :) I don't want it stop.