Finding Kindness

My heart wants me to kind, it seeks kindness for myself. Last night my mind kept me awake ... the anxious chatter ... I almost want to name the voice that does not sleep. No silence, no sleep. The voice limiting my peace. I am not sure what lesson the universe wants me to know. It felt so aggressive. Why is this energy coming to me, I feel like my energy is draining away.

I am sitting my kitchen this evening in my pajama pants and a hoodie. Monday .... feeling off. This is a short week for me. I feel lucky the office is closed on friday. I am still undecided Campbell River or Chilliwack. I have not seen my family since December. Looks like it's going to be a valley weekend. I am planning on leaving on Saturday.

Energy is all around me. I feel surrounded, it feels out of control. I feel out of control. Is it telling me I do need control and I am taken care of. I struggle with wanting to let go ... release. I keep seeking the big release. All these questions in my head. My heart filled so big, it wants to burst.

Yesterday I ran and ran. It felt like my legs could carry me forever. Feels like the runners high once your body gets use to the pace. It eases into the run and the panic stops. Each breath, is soothing. All the thoughts in my mind drifting. This is part of yesterday I carry into today. My mind wants to run. All day at my desk. I want to run run run run...away. Chasing .....

I had dinner with Phase last night. It felt comfortable and I was the most authentic I've been. I saw him for who he is. We both just humans and faulty. We had tea in my small apartment and laid on my bed. I question if he is zapping all my energy. I felt the awkwardness about answering why I ran after we had sex. I ran because I was scared. I felt unworthy and my body felt rush and naked in his bed. In the moment. I was raw and mumbling. So left and I know it has left some scars. But for last night I enjoyed the moment of being held in his arms even if it might be the last. I don't want to learn how to be present by living in fear. My experiences with him are challenging my anxious mind as it wants to feel secure. It wants security there will be another moment like this. Except I don't know.... and the unknown is feeding the anxious chatter.

So much is unknown right now, my finances, my job, my exams. So much to offer..... for release. I guess want any kind of security ... some kind deposit .... things will be ok next week. My heart is trying to find balance, trying to be flexible. Trying to be kind to myself. Trying to release the anxious attachment. Trying to be myself