Yesterday there was heavy rain in the Vancouver. It felt like the city was bleeding and crying. It would only make me feel so dark. I received some text messages yesterday from my ex's wife. It was strange and odd...but I expected I would have a confrontation from her. I knew she wanted to reach out to me, I felt she needed to know what happened between me and her husband. I realize now I will forever haunt her marriage and will always be the stranger in her bedroom.
She come across some of my texts on his phone. She sent a message we can't be friends I am working on my marriage. The next messages are a series of blurry images. I become frustrated and using feeling language to express myself. I felt awkward I feel used. I felt bad for her because I realized she might have not have known I was in Edmonton in January. We are both caught .... I feel free because I can move on and leave this awful place. I do not like this feeling. I do not trust him or myself with him Oh what a terrible place to image ...to wake up... and not know your partner. I am do not know Grant...he is a mystery to me. I want to be rid of his energy and bad faith. I am not sure what the future holds for Grant and his wife. God needs a man with big balls and forgiveness to step up and own this mess.
This past week I have been wrestling so with many emotions. I think I need another man break. I am feeling very overwhelmed by men and masculine energy lately, I feel it's taking to much from me and not giving enough back. For this reason I stopped cold turkey last night. more reasons to focus on my CFA.
I did something out of character for myself last Thursday night. I slept with Phase. I stood infront of his building Thursday night knowing it was only for a sexual encoutner. Standing at the corner of Georgia and Bute I was thinking you can run away you dont have to comprise yourself. I felt like I was cheating myself and him of a discover phase of dating. Deep down inside I didn't want to go there...I only wanted to be treasured. I felt discomfort and confusion. I am on the rebound from a married man with a dating/life coach. And I am not feeling any good dating advice or comfort from either! Around 12 pm I felt restless..I needed to leave...his apartment...I didn't want to stay. I felt scared. The carnival of emotions inside of me is stirring ... After this I am left with only Rumi quoates and a couple of nice dinners. However I will always feel lucky he took me to see Michael Meade. Today I am in the ashes not sure how to get out.
Friday afternoon after feeling exhausted and enjoying a burger at work. I packed my bags and left for the island. I feel asleep on the ferry crossing to Departure Bay. Rob met picked me up on the other side. I guess I was difficult for most of the weekend. I think I am going to have to pull back...and find a place of kindness towards to him. We had a beautiful drive along the coast Sunday. All the small towns are so lovely. I feel free in Campbell River and love his log home. The house is full of light and blessings. It's healing. Sunday morning is waking up together ...wrapped in bed and seeing the ocean. For these experiences I am lucky.
I am taking some advice from Rori Raye today and looking out the window ....here are somethings I love
Yoga, running, the ocean, surfing, road trips, Lisa, Stacy and studying for my CFA, buying dishes in France, having a coffee in Buenos Aires. I am looking out the window...and seeing my present moment. The sky is clear....and the journey contunies.
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