This week at Sunday, I was reminded Spring is coming and with spring comes new projects and letting go of the old. This week I have cleaned house of most the undesirable men in my life. I have let go of two. Tonight I celebrated turfing Phase by going to yoga, watching Girls and eating a donut. I so wanted to send an email explaining myself to him. Inside I am choosing self dignity instead. I think he already nows. I feel sad today. This year started of rocky with me laying on the floor at the Westin crying in Edmonton. My heart still feel weak. At 32 I feel lonely today, I want a mate. I want to share my life but I am having difficulty find one and finding a healthy man. I think of many of my relationships lasted to long due my attachment disorder. My fear of being alone so I hung on to any man if was kinda nice in the beginning. Phase was nice to me at first, but I also felt uncomfortable with him. I truly only felt comfortable with him on the third date. For rushing into sex I felt bad and I felt I owed it to him. Which made me feel icky and worst. I could not stomach sitting next to him at the movies and being sent home along, having him turn on it me..that he was the nice guy. I wanted him to know he was being lazy. So I stayed in.
Rob arrived before 11 and came with BC ferry chicken fingers. Somehow chicken fingers in bed with Rob felt warmer than sitting in the movies with Phase. I could not sleep last night. My minding stirring about the events, processing wondering if this was the right choose. Rob left at 6 am for work and I finally slept till 9. I do not want to go to work tomorrow. I want another day off. I feel drained but I was glad I was home most of the weekend. It felt good to clean and get stuff done around here. I think I needed a detox from night life.
Yoga felt good but my hip flexers ache and are very sore and tight. My mind had a hard time focusing on class and kept drifting and chattering with it's self. When I woke from corpse pose I had the words You are perfect as you are...You are the star. Hearing this gave me comfort.
I have lots to look forward to this week. I can finally hear about my job. I really feel I deserve an interview in person downtown. I need refocus on my CFA program and heal my heart. I feel I have made progress since Jan and finally had the courage to let go of Grant.
I need to worry less about men and more about men. I want to feel good most of the time. I want to feel present instead of drifting. For these are my spring cleaning goals. Pray for my dental fillings on thursday. I hope they heal .....This sunday is close but the start of something new and wonderful.
No comments:
Post a Comment