I dreamt about a burger last night. I marinated thinking about going out for lunch today, so much I so exhausted when I woke up. I could not sleep my mind stirring from so thoughts passing through it. Passing onto their journey. My mind sleepless. I want to sleep, I want to be mind to slow down. Its working to resolve my pass .... which is no longer happening.
Today I have no clear vision for myself, no clear idea. Lately I've been thinking about my family of origin and how I came to this place. Days where I wanted to hear I was good...good enough... instead of being hearing what was wrong or what was not wanted. I desired so badly for someone to stand up for me. Love me care for me ... protect me. I choose men who did not want to stand beside me. I secretly hoped they could remind my mind... and choose me...and give me what my parents denied me. Most days in my youth I was scared...scared to speak and address my needs. I felt basic needs where not met and I was alone struggling by myself. I sat at the end of table myself and my sister next to my mom. This was reminder she did not have time for me. Craved alone one on one time with mom but she always included my sister. This spilled over into relationships as I choose men who had their own agenda which did not include me. And I sat silently and never addressed my needs as I feared I would make them uncomfortable. If the men were uncomfortable they would leave me.
It's mid May in Vancouver and the weather is beautiful and have slowly turned to beach season. Sunshine greats me every morning when I walk to work. I miss seeing the sun as I sit in room with no windows, which i feel is depressing. I miss the sun or any view.
I sent Grant one last final email. I finally told him, how I felt and how I was deeply ashamed of our relationship but I felt mostly stupid about dating a separated man. It felt somehow good to express this to him. I feel healed but after talking to him last friday I felt wound of our relationship reopen again. This causing me some grief. I seek being alone. He never saw my tears, I've learned this week I do not want to spend anymore time grieving a man who held my best interests to his heart.
My journey and work is with my mat. Breathing into my body, I love the breath...the art...oh hatha yoga. You fill my soul my joy and belief I am truly loved by myself first.
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