25 more years

December first my mom goes back to the doctor, I am hoping she does not have cancer. Her own mother had breast cancer at the same age she is now. I started to wonder when was my expiry date when would I be leaving this earth and is there things I still want to do. What would I regret .... and how I should start living as if it was going to be over soon. I have been feeling life deeper than ever and living with less fear because I have nothing fear anymore. All is ok. I can't help to wonder why is happening.

I am getting frustrating with waiting to hear if I made the short list. I can't help it. I'm annoyed by living with Elizabeth. Every move she makes or thing she says. It's awkward, I want to be on my own. Each noise testes my patience.

Most mondays i have a latte which tastes burnt I forget I don't like to drink the large size, it's a mistake I make every monday. My day started at the gym. the weather is warmer today and a little brighter. My heart glows at possibilities. Fearless I feel at yoga .... each poise going deeper each breath shaping life.

Crossing the Mountains

I'm counting down, applying. I'm looking at the mountains, the last obstacles in my way home. I've applied for two jobs one in Vancouver and one in Victoria. :) I'm hoping to be home by Christmas. I know in my heart it's time to go, my life here is slowly ending. I'm now living on borrowed time. I'm trying to be more present, I felt it when I coming back from the gym gliding down from the escalator. I'm living the life I want to live anymore in Edmonton, the last six months I've living for everyone else, work, Elizabeth, friends and my depression. I'm not sure where I am going and what will happen to me. I know this is right for me....

Last night went with a group of friends to breaking dawn the latest twilight movie. Sitting at the table I realize these moments are amazing and I love my friends, it hurts because it will not be same soon. I am getting use to the uncomfortable. I loved the movie, it reminded me why I loved the first one so much. I forgot how much the first one made me believe in the power of love and how falling in love feels. I am getting closer to letting someone in my life. I am closer to accepting myself.

My yoga practice is strong lately, I can't believe I can now touch my toes, so many obstacles melting away. I enjoy each class, it brings a small bit of peace into my life. I began to let go of how yoga can shape my body but embraced how it can shape my mind. It is not so challenging and frustrating, I just breath. I ask myself...what is holding me back....what I need to let go of....those negative stories are not happening now. My soul smiles. I can be braver.

I had a melt down in Erica's office last week. I lost control of my emotions, I don't regret it, I just need to manage the negative stories in my mind. So much is happening and I have to accept not all of what is going to happen is going to be easy or happen smoothly.

Tomorrow is another monday :) I'm in love with my life, and acting alittle drunk :)

Being Authentic

The most authentic I have been in years happened this weekend in Victoria. It was strange...is this what it feels like to be alive and let people know you. I'm not sure....but I did feel real...I can't believe I let the worlds mix...First Stacey met Lisa, it was strange at first ....because my Edmonton friends have never met my childhood friends....and than Stacey met my parents...and it was ok and I was accepted. I have never been so real in years...maybe at least 10 and I have not let anyone close to me....

I want to let someone love me...I want to feel things...instead of hiding....hiding behind pretending to be perfect.

My Vision for myself:

let myself be loved and trust myself....
I'm ok...the way I am....
Move to the ocean...you have the skills...they will want you... :)

I don't need to be perfect

Tea Party for 13

It is the last supper!!!! !13 of us came together at Rutherford house for tea and lunch. It was nice to see everyone again what a great crowd. The day before I did pottery with Anna, I'm not sure how my bowl will turn out...hope the colours look good. :)

I have been turning inside and spending more time alone less time with others. I'm not sure why...last weekend Stacy and I spent thanksgiving together and went to the southside to shop at Ikea and the Banana Republic outlet.

I have 5 more days till Victoria and 4 days of work this week. *sigh* nice to get out although I feel I have alot of stuff to do :)

October and fall is flying by....no snow yet...and I half way done my Psych course!!!!! :) Almost done this part of my life

Classical Conditioning

For a war to be just three conditions are necessary - public authority, just cause, right motive. Ernest Hemingway

Courage is my theme of the week!!!!! It must be the individual investor's theme for September.

My helmet is on and I tie my ribbons tight. Today I bombed my psychology quiz. The most honest answer for the evening is I did not review enough or at all. My mind blanked out about how to measure behaviour. It's assuming because ten minutes after the quiz I can name everyone. I guess this is reminder to be more prepared and to be more present in my life. *sigh* Sucker Punched!

My heart sank when I saw the 2/5ouch!!!! My mind began to drift and question if I was passively giving up. I'm a conditioned to fail to because it is the reaction is except??? What would happen if I could recondition myself to for success??? Could someone learn to self-esteem again??? Will I learn to ignore the negative impact. My mind is boggled.

I need to remind myself to ask questions. There is no need to be afraid of any answer or any outcome. I received an email once from a guy telling me to have courage. When I am fearful.....I remember his words.

I have less than a month till I leave for Victoria which is a slow bright light in my future.

i just want to bust free and run!!!!! I want to let go......I want a road map for a path without one!!!!!!

Tumbling Down

I count every minute of the day. Mentally today I am a wreak waiting patiently for a Revelation. This morning while running my body fought through the first 15 minutes, waking up and slowly easing into the last 40. I hated it, every minute of my run this morning. The sweat, the smell of the gym, the fatigue. The world is so small at the gym at 5:30, it feels like a small portion of the population is awake while the rest is still sleeping. All united in the women's change room.

I had so much difficultly working today, I was looking for a distraction and looking to escape. Waiting for 4. I no patience for paperwork and other small tasks. I ached to be away.....my mind is busy but empty. I am exhausted. I have 60 days to create change. I have 60 more days left in Edmonton and 30 more till Victoria. I am avoiding the winter and cold. When it is really cold I think of the cathedral in Cologne. It was cold and snowy and damp. I sister and I circled the cathedral serval times before finding our boat on the Rhine. Feet wet and cold in the snow. The city was beautiful and the food amazing. I wish had a put a lock on the bridge. My soul smiles. I am going home soon. I am going back to my love.

She's Draining Me

A year and half later I still was apologizing for replacing another girl at work. I understand she was upset and hurt, I do feel her pain, hurt and humiliation. I felt bad, I always felt guilty no one wants to know they have been replaced by a strange from a girl in a photocopy room. Over the past year I kept apologizing and down playing my own skills. Today was exhausted, after everyone else was invited to her birthday including a very close friend, I had finally had enough.....I spoke up and it was not that bad. I first feared the reaction and dreaded the awkward email. Instead I received an email of support and compassion. Speaking my truth isn't so bad. I feel relived and heard. Isn't that what we want to have a voice instead of passively sitting in the passenger seat.

Still have not picked up my Iphone yet...my saga with bell continues. It's was mostly men...who goes to pick up a cell phone with out ID :(...I think not getting my phone pushed me over the edge, there I was sitting in the enterprise square building holding a sandwich crying sitting in the corner. (TSX slightly edging it's self over 500 points) I couldn't swallow the sandwich was soggy and not the taste I was excepting. The sun dried tomatoes blended into the whole wheat bun. I am not sure what brought me to this point maybe it was today was not interested in being at work...but I had no interest in being anywhere else. So I sat there miserable ready to take bite off everyone who came near me.

Around 4, Linda came by the desk with some purdy's chocolates. I appreciated her kind gesture. The small balls of milk chocolate were exactly what I needed to change my mood.

Tuesday night I attended my class. The psychology class is filled with early 20 something students. Its ironic because I have not taken a psychology class in ten years. I was their age when I first started attending university. The university experience is coming full circle. I have turned into the girl who arrives late for class and eats a cheese and tomato because I am so hungry after work. I admire the older students because we are minority in this class.

Back to Fall Basics

I know it's September again because Saturday spin class starts again. I woke up this morning feeling rested and a little dizzy. I always forget when I stop an activity how much I love it. I came back from class so many text messages from Stacy and Rob.

Today was a slow rested day unlike the previous weekends I have spent out with friends. I really just wanted to be alone. Sometimes I get tired of the crowds and parties and drinking. I just wanted to detox. And just smile.

I loved yoga this afternoon :) Mostly felt good. After Bird's yoga class I studied, I'm so close to being done, the text book is dull. Chapter Two and drowning about scientific experiments and case studies. It's difficult to concentrate on the material :( It feels not relevant to me but is more relevant than anything else I have completed in the last five years.

You know when the journey is ending. My fairytale is coming to an end here in Edmonton :) Each day I am working on living in the moment and less in my mind. I am growing more focused.

Greek Delights!!!!

Another Friday night stuffed. I love Greek food :) and made a date with old girlfriends from 8368 to join them for Greek food! It was awesome to catch up and talk! I'm lucky to have bond with co workers. :) Lately in my life things have been smooth sailing :) I have learned in the last 6 months to embrace my 30's. Turning 30 sent my system into shock I think! *Giggles* I spent most of the year trying to figure who I am and what I should be. Finally at 31 I embraced my life and decided to move forward out of the denial. I'm not the smartest or educated girl in the neighbourhood, but I do make an effort now to live with courage. 30 something looks good on me today and now makes me smile. I admire myself for making it this far. I proud I kept going, pushing through this transitions. The word transitions makes me think of my first English 101 teacher Ms Something....its on my transcript. I loved her boldness and her honestly. I lost my hearing listening to loud music in my car while driving to teach university and college student. Poetic!

Work has been awesome and I feeling very fluid in the office. Yet I want more.....more than my small cubical. The world is so big....
I went to yoga for lunch on monday! It felt so good and wonderful to be peaceful and practice the movements. I am lucky :) I am lucky to have wonderful teachers who accept me even with my crooked triangle.

I am going to Victoria in October with my friend Stacy!!!! I am so excited to be traveling with her :)

I had lunch today at the law courts in Edmonton. Its a strange place and it's a cafeteria. It's were judges and lawyers can dine with family members of accused murders and rapist. It's strange how we all gathering around plastic trays and meatloaf. here with my cheese and tomato and hair extensions, we all common. How does life get to this place?

Labour Day Breakfast

I woke up this morning at 7:00 am, I felt sleepy but ready to get up...I'm tired today but not to exhausted. Today was a simple day....run...do weights and met Stacey for breakfast downtown. I felt good but sore durning my run today, I so glad I went to my yoga class yesterday, I did not feel as sore. After 40 minutes of weights I was done at 10:30...and already behind to met Stacey for breakfast.

Pancakes were awesome....Stacey and I went to 124 street for some shopping. I can't believe we were gone till 4:00. I'm still feel exhausted. I wish I had another day off.

Tomorrow is my first day back at university, I can't believe it's the last first day. *sigh* get ready.....somehow I think this will be an interesting semester. Tomorrow will be day of many changes.

Love Peace...my phone is ringing....

Taste Like Honey!

I survived the most terrible week of PMS, each night for five days I lay in bed at 7 o'clock crumbled into a ball in my ball. The cramps were terrible! I think the everclear from Saturday night's drunken fun fest burned a hole straight into my intestines. I was so exhausted. I hate feeling this way, I feel like I am missing out on life, and it unbearable not being able to move. Finally Saturday morning I felt better and made it to yoga. Within 20 minutes of my yoga class...I felt better...clear fresh air moving through my body. My limbs coming alive again..and once again...I was free to feel movement. I am always amazed at the body's natural way to heal itself. It consumes itself with the breath...and pauses.

I am so excited about the long weekend. I relish having tomorrow off! Thank You for labour day! I needed a break! i can't decided when my next holidays should be or where I should go. :)

I kinda helped Stacey move into her new place. I'm excited for her, she is home. I missed my friend. Walking to her place I stopped at Bunches and bought her a plant basket with a butterfly, because she is coming home new and complete. Mostly I enjoyed her company. It has been a while since I loved spending time with my friend, maybe because she is now her authentic self again. I am blessed to know that person. Somehow sitting on her couch and enjoying spinach salad is an excellent way to enjoy the long weekend. I wanted to have a glass of white wine... but my tummy is not ready to go there again. :)

Coming home is the theme of the fall....I returned to my Sunday yoga class after being absent since July. Zoe is gone but Tori is now teaching. I forgot how great of teacher Tori is! My hips feel amazing and free and open! All things are open...and my heart is lifting. Strangers are reappearing in my life again. Love is coming in.... :) Be kind and gentle to myself. It's good now...

Bright Lights

Saturday was amazing day: It reminded of days I use to have when two years ago when Stacy was single. We use to spend the weekends looking for adventure and fun. When Stacy started seeing Don, it felt like everything disappeared and our friendship turned into regular coffee dates and less midnight adventures. The first time I hung out with Stacy we went to Michael's BBQ and did not come back till 6 am morning. I still think of that May morning crossing the Highlevel Bridge and the sunrise coming over the city.

Yesterday Stacy and I went for pedi's and I finally had birthday cake. Happy Birthday was sung to me by Stacy and the Vietnamese nail technician. Later that evening I met her at our friend David's condo on 109th street. Drank shooter of Everclear and stumbled to the Pint for more drinks and food. :) A guy from the second floor apartment swung a fishing rod with a hook with $15 attached it, in front of my face. Security was on the patio looking for the man on the second floor. The hook hit the glass infront of me with a bang, I thought someone had thrown a bottle at the wall in front of my face. Later we dressed David in his mess top and danced at the gay bar Flash. I have not danced so hard and long in years. I was having so much. I wanted to dance on stage and fell of a speaker and landed on my feet. Thank God I do yoga and still have balance. Two near death experiences in one night! Regardless it was good time!

I loved my yoga class, it was challenging. I finally feel like I am having a small yoga break through! I still need to get a jade mat so I stick to the mat.

Today: Sunday has been the most laziest day Ever!!! LOL The one tasks I did accomplish is laundry and buying groceries. I'm still very lucky.

Courage and Caring

Last night after reading the power of now, i felt into the deepest sleep. I woke up at 1 am fully rested and fell back asleep. When my alarm when off at 5 am I was ready to run. I had an amazing run! It felt so so so....I was moving so quickly. It felt great! I feel so lucky, because other people will never know this feeling. I know today was going to be a great day!

The morning was slow at my desk...markets open and my screen was green till about 8:30 than the screen went red. Red isn't always the best colour to see in the morning. Maybe we are use to the volatility in the markets. Go VIX! I have been pretty good with my budget this week and not over spending!!!!! and making my lunch at work! Might have the new mac book paid off next month. I still need to file my taxes.

I feel very full of light and love and the stress and disappointment of my birthday is fading away. This is in the past and not happening anymore. I am excited about spending time with Stacy my life is strange this way....one friend leaves and another one comes back. I told her I wanted a birthday cause Hafsah never showed up mine!

I am super excited about yoga tomorrow and Saturday! It's great to be back into my routine and my body is finally feeling strong again. I have worked hard to lose the weight I put on last fall! I never imaged I would gain 10 pounds again, but there I last November tipping the scale at 153! Today I weight 142! I feel awesome less heavy and bloated. I finally feel like me again and I love 31 and no longer feel lost. I have art history for this....Leonardo and Raphael gave me so much courage to go forward and be brave. I found life again! I am still going to therapy, I am working through all things Chilliwack. I have arrived at a place where I can finally talk about my childhood and the exclusion I felt. I felt very lonely there and I also did not reach out to others....no one knew I felt so bad. It's finally ok...to let it go..and rest.

Mindfulness

This morning I was working on a estate file. It is taking me almost two days to piece together the paperwork. Part of me does not want to mail this package. I feel awful for the client, his wife passed away at 55 to cancer. 55 still feels to young to be gone....this client told me see loved Nevada and traveling their. It's reminder to always be present and go forward. Enjoy the moments. This appears to be the summer of unlike deaths....first Sunhil and now this client.

Stacy has been calling me alot lately since her break up. I think she is overly concerned and not use to being alone. I am hoping she will be strong soon and move on.

I signed up for swimming lessons today. I want to improve my stroke and be more confident. Hopefully I can try surfing again the ocean.

My mind is mostly empty today....I'm not sure if that is good thing...I'm trying to think less....and not over think! I do not want to complicate my mind...there is already so much in there....

Tomorrow is going to be a great day....a run....and maybe some weights... tonight is a great evening...

Forgiveness

Forgiveness was my theme for my 5:30 yoga class. I wanted to let go of the past and move forward into the present. Mostly I wanted to forgive myself and criticize myself for Hafsah not coming to my birthday camping weekend. I finally found forgave my class. The class was amazing and taught by a substitute teacher. It was challenging in so many ways...I loved how she let the students go at their own pace. I love how much my fellow students also love to practice in at this studio. We end the class with a sea of om....we chanted three times...everyone at their own pace. The sound was beautiful and vibrated though the room. I can still feel the vibrations with me as I type. I am so bless....and at peace again. I breathed a little bit of courage into myself.

Tuesday morning started with amazing run. I felt my body pace itself as the sweat pour down my body. I love the way the body feels when you push it past what you feel you are capable of doing. The mind is so strong and power.

My desk is still endless pile of paperwork. New accounts, estate accounts and KYC updates. GRRRAhhhh.....I feel like I am wearing dirty under ware when I am at my desk. I am trying to not stink underwater......bless my soul out there.....

Rob called me last night before bed...it was great to hear his voice....and I finally hear love in it. It's the words I remember when I was 20. I never believed this feeling would come back....I was fighting to let it go for so long...Rob feels like home. I have small connections with very few people and places. I feel a connection in Yarrow, Kits Beach, spending time with my parents and Rob. Rob is home...I have found forgiveness in our past.

Float Like A Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee- Muhammad Ali

Today was a strange day, I felt numb. The weather is warm and sunny plus 26! Lately it is the nicest of days and the worst. I feel empty lost and confused, feels like waiting for bus that will never come. I am doubting myself and I shouldn't , I need to be kind to myself and remember the end of the friendship had nothing to do with me, I just feel hurt. I feel kinda lost. I seek to understand it but not to win. I doubting I can make the next semester at the University. I am starting to feel unworthy of completing my degree. I feel mostly unworthy of friend. My low self esteem is getting the better of me.

I looked assertive- made eye contact, created a plan, had perfect posture- I am sticking to my goal! I need to push forward. This will pass.....

I had a great sleep last night, I did not wake up once. I should be happy and grateful!!!!! I don't get good sleeps on Sunday night. It must of been the left over bliss from camping. The weather is was still warm at 5:30 when I ran. My legs felt good and strong. My body felt strong. I did not feel weak. My body is telling me I can do this.....I can go forward. Don't get lost.....

Most of my work was completed on Friday due to my chronic people pleasing disease. My corner is lonely in the afternoon, Jonathan is away in BC and Joan is leaving early. I surf the net, read Hollywood gossip and listen to Stacy vent about Don. I eat the regular wrap. My mind debates salad or wrap why does this create conflict they both are lettuce. I am avoiding the discussion about Cliff's marathon run. I am drifting present away. Starting to sleep again. I miss my yoga practice. I might even miss my therapist. I need to start reading Eckhart Toll again. I need to feel good all over again. I remember clinging to his books after my break up with Keith. It was like Toll had tossed me a life line.

I need to be present to remember all the good things which have happened this summer and the good which is coming. I am working to towards finishing my degree and moving back to BC.

The Great Rebirth Adventure at Elk Island

I don't understand how everything can change in less 24 hours. One minute you have a friend next you blocked and deleted and banned. I wish Hafsah had just been honest about not being able to come camping, regardless the show went on without her perfectly. It is strange how one friend leaves and another becomes close. Odd???

From the moment Anna and I left Edmonton I felt so peaceful. I love the prairies outside of the city. The sky goes forever and forever! Beautiful! I love being outside the city. I think I lived in the city to long and crave the peace and stillness of living outside the city. Last night I traveled outside the city on the Yellowhead I was with Keith and we were driving to Amy's New Year's Party south of Cooking Lake. In side his truck the mood was tense....and it was only a week till we broke up. This trip was different peaceful and full of stillness.

Elk Island is home to two different types of buffalo, it's rare to see so many on the buffalo loop. We were lucky....I can say the trip was almost postcard perfect! Wonderful. I was so excited to sleep in the teepee and be outside! so beautiful!

After a two hour game of scrabble, we took the canoe on the lake. I loved being the canoe...it was my piece of heaven for the summer!!!!!! From every moment I dipped the canoe paddle into water I felt so alive and it felt magical.

In the last two months, I have worked hard to discover new activities and try to be adventurous. I know peace is coming and I finally feel comfortable in my 30's and my own shoes.

Watching the sun go down was beautiful, it was one of the most amazing sunsets ever!!!!! How lucky and blessed we are to have experienced. Moments caught by pics still can't describe the essence of the trip and the experience.

Although we only spend one night there....it felt like we were gone for much longer. I feel very rested. Although it appears this journey cost me a friend I would not have a changed it.

Happy Birthday, Happy 31

Gifts For Your Future

Tuesday, almost nothing eventful happens on a tuesday :( I sat today at my desk for most of the day with almost nothing to do. I had even reviewed my daily websites for the latest news and gossip by 10 am. Two trades later I was still sitting. I decide to something productive search for courses on the University of Alberta website. I am three credits short of graduating! The Dean of Arts Mr. Raleigh wants me to enrol in a science course. Finding an evening science course took up much of my time after market close. Finally I found one!!! Only one.....Psychology of Behaviour! Thursday night from 5 to 8! It's perfect for my work schedule and personal life. yippie...I can finally grad...I feel excited and it's a full circle moment. I am going to finish my degree!

I am so so so looking forward to this weekend. I am going camping at Elk Lake National Park!!!! I booked a tepee to sleep in..for me and my closest friends. I am so so so looking forward to this girl weekend! Anna made me rent a canoe! I can't wait ...I just want to be outside in nature. I feel like 31 is rebirth from all the dysfunction and depression I felt when I turned 30. I know 31 is the year everything comes together for me. Is this the year of completeness, is this the year I finally stop beating myself up for all of the negative instead of celebrating the positive. This is the year I embrace myself. I like who I am.... :) and learn to live with courage!

Sunday was another excellent day, I run strong at the gym and later saw a play at the Fringe with Hafsah! We watch BoyGrove!!! A play about 4 guys in a boy band and how they found fame and success and recovered from losing it. It was great fun and made me laugh so much...and it was way way better than the chocolate covered banana. The banana was a poor investment at $4. I could not recommend our waiter at Earls. He was terrible. It's easy to spot an undergrad student living at home in the work place. Maybe he forgot he was working in the service industry. After forgetting to add chicken to Hafsah's pasta...he could not recover with any kind of flare. It was Mediterranean pasta with chicken!!! Who forgets that????!!!!!! huh???

Life for me is breezy....and the world is a little clearer....

I survived 30! I'm so proud!

Well this is has been a very interesting year, more downs than ups. I never thought I would struggle so badly with turning 30. I do acknowledge this change has been gradual finally. I'm feeling ready to be 31 next friday! I am actually excited, I think this will be the year things come together for me and I finally have a mature plan for the fall and next winter.

I wrote my art history final, it's strange because I know I will finally finish my degree, it feels like this is has been a long time in the making for several years I believed it would never happen. I thank the dean of arts for sending me that nasty letter last August, he gave me the but kick I needed. I loved the art history class. I was so deeply moved by the artists and many of the paintings. I was an enjoyable way to spend part of the summer. My brain still felt like it was on a visual vacation. I feel in love with education again. I felt the same way about going to class as I did ten years ago at Langara. JMW Turner's Slave Ship is a visual masterpiece. I love the burst of sunset, it's so sublime and beautiful yet haunting because under the painting the slaves are drowning. But Monk by the Sea (Friedrich) gives me hope, as the monk looks so peaceful looking at the ocean. It makes me think of when I meditate by the ledge grounds in the sun. So much bliss to be felt. My soul and heart right now are bursting with peace and bliss, it has been almost a year since I felt this way. Tonight I can say I am very blessed. I felt like from the first class Michelangelo's rondo's has saved me from my dull office job and allowed me to escape into visual bliss. Studying Michelangelo has given me the courage and freedom to open my heart to possibilities.

Danger is a Girl with a Plane Ticket and an Empty Bank Account

Today was the perfect afternoon. I had pizza with Hafsah and engaged in awesome conversation. I finally feel like I have a plan and goals I am working towards. I plan to move back to Vancouver by December and start to work towards a marketing career! I am super excited...I loved my trip back to BC and the afternoon I spent in Whistler at Rainbow Lake! I finally have a tan! Work is been ok...I don't might being back, I just have to work on not being so exhausted...somehow I have to find the happy medium.

I am so slowing working on relaxing...*sigh* Sundays are awesome and thoughtful!

Bulawayo and Other Places I have not Visited

It's 9:42 am monday morning pacific time and I am on a BC ferry traveling to the mainland. I spend the last two days in Victoria. I have found a lot of clarity riding the ferry the past year and I realized I am a tourist because I enjoy it so much! I have lived in the Prairies so long!!!! It makes my head spin!I felt I was kinda selfish with my time with Lisa, i am unsure if she felt appreciated. I can't believe I will be back at work on thursday time flies by so much!!!! I am still unsure what I my long term plan is, I am thinking maybe I should stop trying to create one and just live life right now because I am so far from being present!

Last night Lisa and I went to the fireworks. It only tens minutes. I think the crowds were really disappointed. I enjoyed my veggie burger and mojitos better. Should have stayed at the Canoe Club for desert. I did have some amazing food while visiting the Victoria I love the variety of foods. I am slowly learning maybe I am enough and I am good enough. It's still a foreign concept in my head. My mind needs to stop getting wrapped up in all these existentialist conflict that distract my mind. Back to the recap of the goods.

I flew in Abbotsford last tuesday morning. It's strange to be back in the Valley, somehow now at 30 I have finally made peace with my roots and my family. I have to, there is nothing to prove and nothing to show anyone, nor does it matter. Going home feels like going home. Its mostly relaxing to there because I am not distracted by work or friends. I don't get absorbed into their issues. Some how going home feels more precious because my parents are getting older. One day soon I wont have a home to go to. This deeply saddens me. Where will I belong when I am older. Who will remind me I am OK.

The view from the ferry is amazing. It's cloudy and a little over cast. I don't feel alive very often, I know this window is closing and I will go back into my coma to survive. I just feel I could feel sometime! When will I be present.

Rob is waiting for me on the mainland. I just bought him a heart shaped rick, it says I love you! Which I do...somewhere deep down inside, I am always the most comfortable with him, Rob also feels like home. This is funny to say after 10 years, spending time with him is also like coming home. It's strange I do not feel at home with Lisa but I feel very safe with Rob??? Maybe still after all of these years I question her loyality to me?? I don't let anyone get close to me. i felt so sick at her place, I passed out on the bathroom floor, not sure why...I felt terrible....and I felt so gross. Maybe it's to late. I can count my good friends on my hand. TRUST!

PS I love my art history course, somehow monday and wednesday night are colour and viberate

Petite Jardin

Today is my last yoga class with Zoe, she's moving on... :) Most sunday afternoons I have spent at the yoga studio, it provided a place of refuge and bliss. Sundays I loved summer sunday afternoon at the yoga studio. Change is excepted.

For some reason lately I am interested in traveling to Bali, I'm not sure why, maybe because it is so so peaceful. I let go of the trip two years ago, but now I am ready to revisit the idea. I am toren between a coupe of places. Maybe Bali could bring out the good in me, I have till november to decide. *wink* I smile at the idea of Bali Bliss.

Last night I went out with Stacy in the afternoon, we made a trip to the south side of the city. I really did appreciate the time we spent together. It made me think of the time we use to spend together before her relationship. I treasure these days as they only happen once every couple of months. I am counting down! 15 more days till my vacation. I'm excited! Still empty inside, but more present and trying to be kinder to myself.

It's almost bed time. and I am starting to get sleepy. Tomorrow my first class back the u of A.

Happy Canada Day, Yes I am Working to be More Responsible

It has been four days since I have decided to be more present in my life. I do feel myself day dreaming less and focusing on the moment. Slowly!!!! I can get there!!!! I start school on monday, I'm finally going back, I finally going to finish my degree, I guess it's time to get moving on life, maybe be less serious.

My joints don't hurt so much today. I felt good after my run and my workout. I did some light weights. I did the most interesting yoga class night, we did a flow class (invented by Matthew Sweet) Moon salutations, but we did not stand up. I was refreshing do try something different. The yoga instructor Kate, had the perfect yoga body. The kinda we all try to work for. She had great muscles and amazing flexibility. I have yoga envy. ohhhh

This is something strange I feel emotional about. I am not sure Will and Kate make me smile or even make me feel good about my self or even the world! I don't feel alot lately but I do feel happy when they are on TV. There trip to Canada and their Wedding seems to put a smile to my face. I'm usually so cynical about royals and celebrities, makes me kinda still feel alive somewhere inside here!

I have 22 more days till my vacation. I might be ok... :)

Setting Boundaries and Being Present

I'm so confused. How did I get so lost and get it all wrong. All another session in therapy it was suggested I need more long term care and something more intense. I am worried about these words, they made me worried and make me wonder if I can recover. She seemed deeply concerned about my eating habits and me not being present, like I was sleeping in life. This is true. I'm always exhausted burned out feeling tired. I just feeling beaten up by life in general. As I blogged before I'm not sure where to turn to for help. I just the maybe like the therapist suggest the clinic at the university could help. I'm just not sure if I want to commit to treatment lasting 20 hours a week. It's like extreme rehab. I don't know if I have the time, I don't know if I commit the time...and the all what is required. I don't want to put my life on hold to do this...but all of my issues are causing me to put my life on hold anyways.

I am checking my assertive checklist to see it I can follow any of these rules. *FuCk* I'm not good at any rules, I have not been good at this since grade five class with Mrs. Hutchings. My life is turning into a HOLE soundtrack "Live through This". How did I get so discouraged and disconnected from goals.

Yesterday she asked me about relationships...I replied I can't be in one. It wont be loving and I will be resentful of being a prostitute. If I can stick to one goal it's to stay away from men. Lately I don't even feel attractive. I don't feel like I am living in my own body anymore. Maybe I'm not present here cause I'm so uncomfortable and detracted from life. My core is rotting inside of me. Today i'm still ugly and punishing myself with this negative soundtrack in my mind.

I woke at 4:30 am tired and exhausted. I made a choice not to go to work...and stay in bed. I slept till 11:30 am. Finally I went to the university to have my paper completed and signed by the register. The campus was refreshing to be on again. I felt a little alive and it was nice to be doing something different than sitting at desk. I could rest and kinda breath again. I did try to be present and not drift away. After going to campus I went to the movies. I did really want to be in apartment cause it's a mess, I have not cleaned it yet....it reflects how i feel.

This weekend a co worker died in a motocycle accident. I felt bad for moment but I was not crushed by it. I was not moved to post facebook messages to his family and act like a funeral groupee. It made me realize I can't feel anything...not love, not happiness and not even death.

I am Kind, Compassionate, and Gentle with Myself

Today was friday and I am giving myself the same privileges, I would give my friends or co workers. For some reason I slide backwards after a great evening out and opening myself up to possibilities with outsiders. I still very uncomfortable with social interactions, I have declined a co workers birthday tonight as I don't feel like leaving my apartment. I am choosing to let my negative opinions affect the way I interact with others. Its sad because tonight I do not feel like I deserve to be around people who accept me and people who want to meet me. I don't understand why I am choosing to live in this environment. I want to stop trapping myself. I want to be kind and gentle and have acceptance. I need to stop fearing people and that they don't like me or want to spend time with me. I know this to not be true, as I am invited out by friends.

Last night I had drinks with old friends from the bank branch, it was wonder to spend time with people. This experience is showing me maybe I can not be so guarded at work. I work on being less guarded in general. I loved the sangria we drank and the grilled eggplant, tomato and feta cheese. The food has so many flavors to taste. It was one of those warm humid summer nights in june. The kind were your body feels all sticky. My nylons sticking to my legs, as I keep them crossed under the table.

I finally have a new computer, I am excited about my new mac pro! After ten years of being a student I finally have my own lab top! When I purchased it, the guy at the counter asked I had been the military. I was confused, I don't think I look like an ex solider. I don't wear a helmet The distressed look on my face wanted order and rules. I want to follow instructions. I want to belong. Secretly I want to be all you can be, and sometimes more! I had a terrible time opening the lab top, I had to call apple tech support. This was very humbling, but apple does provide excellent service.

For the first times since ...... I started with the bank I am taking a week and half of vacation. I use to not feel entitled to time off in the summer being a student or that other employees had more pressing plans. So this year I booked off July 25 to August 3, I am not sure what I am going to do with myself but I have starting to get plenty of options. I am also looking at traveling to Mexico a yoga retreat. I might want to open myself up to the possibilities of traveling with a group and doing an activity I love and get enjoyment.

I am not sure where the feeling of lack of entitlement comes from. I treat myself like a second class citizen. Writing these words make me sad. I think the theme for this year is finally coming clear. it's time to put myself first! I'm important too. I have let ex boyfriends and bad grade school memories scar me. I dont want to carry these anymore, put them behind me. I am looking forward to the new challenges this awareness will bring.

Prana: Make Energy Inside

After three days of yoga, I can finally feel space and lightness within me. The tightness is slowly melting away and my heart awaking to peace. The warm summer air and light is coming through my patio window and I feel peaceful and almost fulfilled. The sun much like Sunday yoga class is comforting and surrounded by summer's energy.

Last week I had a much need rest in Vancouver, the weekend was wonderful and I spend a blissful Saturday at the beach with Rob. It was the first time in months I felt peaceful and light. I can't believe how a simple nap on the beach changes the outlook of everything. I felt very blessed and special to attend the SA conference. I was more than happy to spend two nights at the Four Seasons in Vancouver :) It's a wonderful hotel, plus the bed was heaven! Sunday night Rob and I swan in the pool that is half inside and half outside. I'm not sure if I have future with Rob but I am so comfortable with him. I never have a restful sleep and somehow I feel like I belong in bed next to him. All things about last week were familiar and comfortable. Kitsalino, the beach, shopping on Robson street, Rob making dinner and a belini at Milestone. I miss the mountains. The view from the 29th floor of the TD tower is stunning!!!! It made me want to stay and not leave...is this my home??? Somehow the valley is always going to be home...but so 104th street in here Edmonton. I'm so confused. The west coast is always my smiling face. Maybe my soulmate is across the rockies and maybe he was always there. How could I have found a soul mate at nineteen. Rob might be more than comfortable couch. I do have to give him credit for being there for the last 11 years. Sometimes I image us getting married on the beach in a simple service with a small group of people.

This week I was more happier at work and more relaxed. The desk did not feel like an uncomfortable blister. I was visited for lunch by a client...I was happy to spend time with him. It's nice to know someone acknowledges the effort you make!

Summer is always a time...to grow...I am learning to let others in and see me...and let some go. I don't need to be so private and afraid of people. Maybe I learn to be myself. After all this blog is a reflection of myself in the most intimate way. I wear a *smile* this sunday, not a pretend one for co-workers, but one that comes deep from within.

I know...when I see the night sky...tonight, a comet has a tail like my grin.

Face Lift

We are all quietly being gassed by our working environment, bandages wrapped tightly around my face, I can't speak, I can't spell. I'm not seen. They ask me not to question them. The management want me to believe they are authentic. Even behind the wheels of their S Class Mercedes. I'm invisible in my cubical. Today the office smells like island Margarita, fresh sea breeze like. I'm not going south anytime soon. I'm not going anywhere except the photocopier room. I can breath there, alone in a room without windows. I miss windows. Sometimes if I get to close and I'll find to courage to leap.

Number of the Day: 50

At boot camp today we did 50 push ups, crunches, lunges, arm curls and more. WOW. I can't believe I did not run today and I slept in, maybe it was body telling me something. I needed to rest. I have been working hard at eating better. I think finally I might have grasped the secret!

This past week has been a difficult one and very testing. I spent most of Tuesday in the bathroom crying. Sometimes your employer is impossible and being his assistant is testing my own mental strength. It is an emotional exercise in patience. In the words of Hemmingway "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." So I know I am ok...and I have my five year plan. I look forward to being a life coach, here is the road to my success.

My father sent some chocolates for Easter, they arrived late but I do appreciate the gift. And the box is now empty. I should see them when I go to Vancouver in June.

I am feeling love in my life. I know...it is just circling the airport but should be landing soon!

Places I am thinking of visiting Chile....or New Zealand. I am really stuck on Chile lately....hummm...

Poetry

Last week in the laundry room, I found a random book of poetry. The kind first year university students buy in English 101. I can't help to wonder who will teach this future generation about life. Who will tell them you can have everything at once...and you will have to earn it.

I have bangs again and purple low lights peak a booing under the crown of my head. I like it, I feel edgy, I feel like rebelling against the middle class. I feel angry at the majority. I am angry because I feel like a shadow in this world I am living. The laboratory I am stuck in....while co workers pass their time till their next trip to Hawaii. I'm wondering what war I'm fighting for and if my voice will be hear. I do not want to turn into Boxer from Animal Farm.

I could not even get peaceful in yoga today. I attended Gay Yoga today, I am not sure why...I just alot peace with spending time with Gay men. I also could not handle another week of the substitute at my regular Sunday yoga class. I kinda thought I rocked the triangle today :) YES!

I am slowly dreading another week of work. I feel the job is slowly sucking the sanity of me. I becoming nervous...I feel stressed Sunday nights. I don't feel rested, could it just possibly be tax season. Accountants and brokers have sleepless April nights....cuddling calculators and adjusted cost bases for unassuming clients.

I don't have much to say lately to anyone. I have avoided spending times with friends...some old friends I feel are becoming toxic and I am less interested in piecing together their dysfunction. I am frightened I could get use to being antisocial. Yesterday at future shop I agonized over lab tops. I feel out of touch with technology. In high school technology class was about soldering two wires together not tablets and netbooks. I am exciting about going back to university I feel it is giving me some direction some kinda plan...I am not sure after the summer. I know I be giving my notice. It's time to move...on OM shanti OM.

Poetry

Last week in the laundry room, I found a random book of poetry. The kind first year university students buy in English 101. I can't help to wonder who will teach this future generation about life. Who will tell them you can have everything at once...and you will have to earn it.

I have bangs again and purple low lights peak a booing under the crown of my head. I like it, I feel edgy, I feel like rebelling against the middle class. I feel angry at the majority. I am angry because I feel like a shadow in this world I am living. The laboratory I am stuck in....while co workers pass their time till their next trip to Hawaii. I'm wondering what war I'm fighting for and if my voice will be hear. I do not want to turn into Boxer from Animal Farm.

I could not even get peaceful in yoga today. I attended Gay Yoga today, I am not sure why...I just alot peace with spending time with Gay men. I also could not handle another week of the substitute at my regular Sunday yoga class. I kinda thought I rocked the triangle today :) YES!

I am slowly dreading another week of work. I feel the job is slowly sucking the sanity of me. I becoming nervous...I feel stressed Sunday nights. I don't feel rested, could it just possibly be tax season. Accountants and brokers have sleepless April nights....cuddling calculators and adjusted cost bases for unassuming clients.

I don't have much to say lately to anyone. I have avoided spending times with friends...some old friends I feel are becoming toxic and I am less interested in piecing together their dysfunction. I am frightened I could get use to being antisocial. Yesterday at future shop I agonized over lab tops. I feel out of touch with technology. In high school technology class was about soldering two wires together not tablets and netbooks. I am exciting about going back to university I feel it is giving me some direction some kinda plan...I am not sure after the summer. I know I be giving my notice. It's time to move...on OM shanti OM.

My Vision, Be true to myself

After thinking and desiring to be someone else, wishing I had their talents I have concluded I am only be me. I guess I need to share and work with my talents as they are useful and I am truly blessed in my ability to listen and help other. I need to work on listening. Listening is not one of my highly developed skills. I need to listen to others and not be so quick to add my opinion and my own experience. I want to give others their voice.

After a negative morning my day did turn around, it's all in the energy. I need bring more positive energy around me...look for the abundance in my life not at the lack. The thing I think sometimes I do best is know when it is time to more on or challenge myself :)

I can't thank my cubical mate enough for listening being voice off reason...when things get derailed or I want to cry in the women's bathroom. I find stillness and comfort in her wisdom. Somehow there is a plan and I am always looked after.

Im obsessed with Ernest Hemingway, the quotes, his lifestyle almost everything except his death.

Why should anybody be interested in some old man who was a failure?

If you have a success you have it for the wrong reasons. If you become popular it is always because of the worst aspects of your work.
Ernest Hemingway

His words are amazing...I can't wait to run to book store and buy his books again! I loved this short stories in university.

Life is become beautiful again....clear....Calm...I am have back on the path to my vision again!

Heildberg Germany Christmas 2010

Think Abundance, Accelerate to Happiness

The next day is always a better day! Today was not so grisly, I spent most of the day hole punching client transactions, I was sent an email about the right way to use the hole puncher. Somehow 4 years of university at the third largest university does hold any merit when it comes to using a hole punch. I have a co worker, he is perfect (maybe on the superficial side he's not six feet with a six pack but that's really digging for reason not to like him). He is a computer whiz, half way through his CFA, already an associate investment advisor, he's super smart, has a nice normal girlfriend and is well respected by everyone around him, even the established advisors acknowledge he is something special. I wish to have any of his qualities. I am not sure what qualities I have??? I doubt myself and question my own abilities and social skills. I wonder if I can adapt this work environment, will I make it out alive or be remembered as the flaky girl. I dread being the middle aged women in the office who never married....alone with cats...I ponder if I should move in with Rob for companionship?

I am always feeling awkward in the lunch room, today I had too much paper on my desk to eat in my cubical. I did not want to mail clients reports with sticky mustard dots on their quarterly discretionary account performance. Even the man at the bubble tea counter makes me feel awkward. He knows my order, peace green bubble tea with a vegetable sandwich, no green or hot peppers. I've become that ordinary. I identify as the girl who chooses tomatoes and cucumbers over peppers. I am predictable.

Thursdays are a great day because I go to boot camp....I find myself struggling with lunges, plank and push ups...each week pushing myself alittle more..feeling my strength increase so steadily. I want to so believe....I can make it. I just want to be able to run....running is my way of speaking up and expressing myself. For the last four years my morning runs...I have defined my day. The solitude act brings my soul run. I run to my destiny.

Boot Camp today is my moment of Gratitude.

The Day of Unaccountable, Unanswerable, Uncomfortable,Uncertain Day at Work. The Underfunded Employee

I'm not a crowd pleaser or very diplomatic. Who know emails could unconsciously make you cry in the women's bathroom. I'm not sure why I cried. I just felt frustrated, I wanted to see my family and I am trying to make an effort to spend time with them. Reading the email from my boss I realize I am just means to pay his mortgage and his Mercedes. I am running away...leaving the others behind..I have 5 more months. I'm not paid enough to listen to my boss rant...I don't want to have to babysit you! This your Excel Spread Sheet! I count and I breath and sigh, What I do best is give no reaction and buy a bubble tea. At this point I look at my calendar and remember my action plan. I have not told them my plan but I can only assume they will grateful when I am gone and they finally hire ambitious Bachelors of commence student who works for peanuts and has less of soul. I'm told if I am to spiritual I will be disappointed later on life.

I walked out my bikram yoga class for the first time. I was not present I did not want to finish. Riding back on the bus I felt defeated and exhausted. It's the kinda feeling you have you finally know the journey is done.

I took the long walk back home today. I walked down 104th street, I went to store I had only pasted at 5:30 in the morning on the way to the gym. I am toren about how to spend my time . You know no one is going to tell how to spend my time....it's worth more than any investment advisor will know :)

Pacific

I need a day off. I am slowing becoming numb to my office and my co workers. Each day the tension is growing, and I feel like nothing I say is comforting. I slowing thinking maybe I have to many opinions. Maybe I am distracting others...maybe I need to stop thinking with negative voices in my head. Maybe the change needs to happen within me...and this is why I am tired and uptight. I want to let go and I want to not be in control. I want to allow my body to relax. I want my mind to be silence...and I want to just see me. If only women were allowed in this world to be who they really wanted to be. I'm scared to love me.

I am rethinking New Zealand, I am letting doubts and fears take over...all of the what if's...all of the external I can not control. All my fears of being alone...right now I am not sure if being alone is better than being right or with someone. I am leaving in 5 months...wow...feels so close.

Secretly at work I wear a smile. I try to make my life sound fabulous, fun and sexy. Do they know I hurt inside, they don't know I wish sometimes..I would not wake up. Cause you are sleepwalking in this life. I'm so tired of having to justify ME! Secretly I wish I was a housewife with vacuuming away her days. At least I would have someone to look forward to when they came home.

RULES for TOMORROW!

No voicing opinions. It does not matter if you think you are right or you want to tell your story!

Be positive, no negative talk about clients or their lifestyle choices. Embrace them for their individuality. Clients are people too! They want just want to be heard and understood.

Your job is wonderful. provide the best admin support, you have not been your best lately, but tomorrow is going to be an amazing day! So much to look forward to.

No talking about the past, it is not happening anymore. The now is the only thing defining you.

Do not feel the need to justify being 30 and single. It's ok...your not a freak. The general population does not think this... *smile* and enjoy this part of yourlife!

Work hard running and at boot camp!

Focus on the Internal not the External!

Mondays: tired, beat up, cranky, routine. Oatmeal???

Why does every Monday feel the same. Today I feel exhausted, I'm waiting, I'm living the future (which is not healthy either). This morning started off the same, running at the gym, each week I go a little faster. I am working towards to my goal of getting out of my fitness rut. My hips hurt and my right hip is sore but I keep going...it does not feel painful till I stop. I guess I need to get the fluid pushed out of it again. I look at my waist "sigh" not getting smaller, staying the same. I need to let go, let go of the control I have taken over my life. I can't control when I get a craving for certain foods but I can control when I eat it.

I'm not lonely on Monday, I have to much work to catch up on...too many emails to read and reply to. The work and my spread sheets keep me busy. This Monday was a little mysterious, Erica cut her hair and a new girl arrived. I'm not the only blonde in the office. Actually I am now the older blonde. Since turning 30, I am facing my biggest fears. AGING. What will define me...when I have wrinkles and saggy skin. How will people remember me??? Will people like me. Sometimes, those bookish girls were smart because they did not investment themselves in beauty. People are not surprised when they age and live alone with cats. I am struggling with youth...and letting go...I'm not sure with what 30 looks like...and how I should live...??? I feel I am becoming invisable. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with myself right now.

When I walk home...I look at the all the other faces...and I can't seem to see my own. I want to hide and cry.

I love the 90's

It's funny to think the 90's were almost ten years ago! I spent my teens in the 90's, they did not seem very memorable till this morning at spin class. My spin instructor Pauline had us warm up to the Cranberries. I was flooded with memories of grade ten and hanging out with Lisa at coffee shops in Chilliwack. "Afterthoughts" the local coffee shop by the Paramount theater was a favorite. We would eat cheesecake, drink tea and complain of our lack of freedoms and choices we had in life. Somehow Chilliwack had made us feel our lives where limited, dull and undesirable. Recently my father bought me a book by Mette Bach who wrote about growing in North Delta. We all struggled depressed to escape. I always thought there was something more to my life than Chilliwack. Although today I still let Chilliwack define a large of my identity after all these year. I always feel I have something to prove to everyone even if no one in my life knows the teenage me. Now I have grown not to be so suicidal after all.

Last night I went to Bikram yoga, class was lead by my least favorite instructor DAVE! Dave has his hate on for my bikram triangle. I know my hips sticks up and I should lunge deeper. I survived around class of bikram along with spin instructor Pauline by myside! We both giggled we attend the same yoga studio. At least she also uses the towel for her triangle. So sweat is pouring all out of me...and everywhere! I am a dripping puddle. I am not sure why I keep going back but I do love the grow my skin has after each class, it makes the unbearable heat worth it. Leaving me feeling fresh for today.

Stacy, her friend Katrina and I went to the Russian Tea Room to have our cards read. Paul once again did a great job. He confirmed he did see me moving around to New Zealand, although he said there was alot of opportunities for me in Melbourne Australia! He said my last ex was dull and difficult to talk to cause he was dropped on his head! I laughed cause it was so silly and I do want to be in New Zealand or Australia in October! It was a nice afternoon to hang out and have a laugh.

Today there are many things that I have gratitude for my bikram yoga class, spin instructor Pauline and her 90's music. The Cranberries and R.E.M! (I can't tell you how much happiness this music has bought me in the last 2 hours). Bubble Tea and those brave enough to write naked puts on BP! I'm just having to much fun!

Cheap Thursday

Most days I feel damaged and disoriented. I can't remember a time in my life before this feeling. I think it started in grade five. Grade Five was the first year I remember finding it hard to fit in with my peer. It was first time I felt isolated at elementary school. I think most people feel this way at sometime point in grade school. My experience seemed to have a lasting effective on the way I interact with the world. Sometimes I think everyone dislikes me, I am working on recognizing this negative thought pattern and trying to replace it with something positive. What has happened in the past is not always true in the present. These events are no longer happening NOW!

I woke up very rested this morning, went for a run and I found myself on my regular muffin walk around 10:00 am. I got sucked into High Grade looking at jeans. Since it was pay day I have extra cash in my bank account. I did not get a bubble tea this afternoon. I ran away from Starbucks line. I did not want to have a conversation with an ex who was purchasing coffee. He is recently engaged to a girl he dated shortly after me. I don't want to have an awkward conversation and have to justify being single because I have to do this at most staff events. Lately I have been absent from most. I just do not want to get to comfortable and start being absent from most of life.

I went to boot camp with Allyson. I felt sick, and I realized how out of shape my core is. I was tired after the warm up. Wow, the program kicked my but and I am far away from my fitness goal. I need to do more of these kinda exercises.

For 2011 I need to work my list of goals for myself. :)
9:00 pm almost bed time.......I need to sleep and get ready for my false start tomorrow...aka work..

To MRKT I go....

I love a good wine bar and a meal! Nothing is more peaceful than sitting a small wine bar having a good meal. A couple of hours ago I had dinner at MRKT with my good friend Stacy, it had been while since we both had a conversation with out interruption and MRKT is funny word in both of ours vocabulary. I forget sometimes how much I enjoy my time with friends listening to them talk over chocolate cake with cream cheese sauce and fresh berries. I think of how much we both have grown. I enjoy her conversation and peace. My friends are often my family, as sometimes they are distance and I feel misunderstood to them. Patience and peace have been pumping through my veins, as wait. I am comfort with the stillness I feel. I am not afraid of the drop. Today was a new day.

It started snowing again, this winter is longest winter since the first year I move here. It wants to keep reminding me what I am going to be leaving soon before the autumn journey.

Work is always work....and this Wednesday was not that unusual. I have my regular walk to Subway with Anita and Jessica, the usual joke about co workers and last year's Christmas party. The vanilla pear muffin on my desk which I inhaled by 10:30. Sometimes I break to day dream between streaming quotes and headlines in the national post. I am keep company by my co workers who diligent, organized and professional.

Unlike previous jobs, my morning retinue starts at 4:45, with my cell alarm waking me up. I head to the gym for an sixty minute run and at my desk for market open at 7:30. Markets are common theme in my life lately, their streaming moodiness purges me of any creative desires. We all suffer when the market does poorly. I start my coffee break later and someone else has to work an addition five years till retirement.

I love French Men, Trade Corrections and Cheap Latte Tuesday

I was lost till I realized his was ordinary, How did I not see this in 2006. In his text night it was so clear he was just an ordinary guy. I don't want to force anything he texts me...as he cancels for pizza last night. He could of just lied and said he did not want to wash his sheets cause they were dirty. I was not disappointed, for the first knew I would be ok to let him go. I do not benefit anymore from his existence in my life. I feel blessed and free. I more confident blonde tucks herself in and falls asleep. Amen.

I made no new posts in 2010. I can tell you I keep a gratitude journal for most of last year. I might add some details from it.

Highlights from 2010. I started a new job as an assistant for two investment advisors. I was devastated in the interview, I reminded again my spelling and grammar skill are one of a ESL student. This is ok..I do not let it deferred me from writing. Especially when blogger now has an excellent spell check or maybe I just started using it more effectively. Still I made my first trading error ever today, which is why I am returning to writing in my blog again tonight...Sometimes...I wish I was a rock star in disguise, instead I am trapped at a desk with a neon green growing excel spread sheet.

I walked away from two relationships last year, the first in Jan and the other in Dec. January man was harder to leave because of the physical chemistry. I missed him but i know it was a healthy break up because we wanted different things. The other in Dec lacked chemistry and was a friendship gone bad. I guess knowing now it's bad to rebound with friends, but who does not say no when someone buys you a Louis Vuitton bag. No I did return it and I did send him an email telling him he was bad in bed and need to use his fucking treadmill.

I travelled to Germany. France and Switzerland and the regular Seattle trip. I fell in love with French men...and French dishes and lamps...everything France. It was a magical day they only DAY in the whole trip we went to France! My soul felt happy. Kolhn Germany smells amazing...and the Gothic cathedral stunning! You can never have enough German shoes. My toes almost froze off my feet, for the first time the World War II books made sense, your toes can freeze off.

I had my 30th birthday, Happy 6 year blog! Turning 30 is a milestone. I woke up and the city was full of smoke from forest fires. Somehow it was telling me something...Turning 30 has been awkward. I have 30 something growing pains. You wake up and nothing really changes just your age...men who desired you yesterday now...ignore you because of your excess baggage. For the first time people started talking to me in elevators and I finally felt old enough to buy a white coat and pay for dry cleaning. I might finally get more comfortable in my own skin. I might allow myself to be more accessible to others. The list of things I should of done in my twenties studied more, travelled smoked less pot...really did not matter anymore...I had arrived at this destination and told to embark HELLO welcome to 30! I know sport an extra hula hoop of skin around my waist. Somehow this train wreck is managing to stay on track.

At the yoga the other my teacher told me to lose the monkey on my back...I giggled....I had another yoga teacher hold my sweaty feet. He pushed me at time when I did needed support and to be reminded to wear smile and breath.

This past year my friends have been the pillars of support in my life. They know they are...I will always be blessed with inspiring conversations with my friend Hafsah. I found a lost friend Jes, have communicated very little until West Jet brought us together on a Christmas Eve flight to Abbotsford. And to Rob my ever present rock for the last 11 years.

I am not sure what the theme of 2011 is yet....2009 year of me, 2010 year of growth....2011 year of the great move??? I am working to works moving to New Zealand for Thanksgiving. I am going to be thankful in the small town of Dunedin.

Somehow today I walked through Holts and did not look at shoes...are material goods...losing their grip on me???

I am excited and truly blessed for the all opportunities in my life.