Today was a strange day, I felt numb. The weather is warm and sunny plus 26! Lately it is the nicest of days and the worst. I feel empty lost and confused, feels like waiting for bus that will never come. I am doubting myself and I shouldn't , I need to be kind to myself and remember the end of the friendship had nothing to do with me, I just feel hurt. I feel kinda lost. I seek to understand it but not to win. I doubting I can make the next semester at the University. I am starting to feel unworthy of completing my degree. I feel mostly unworthy of friend. My low self esteem is getting the better of me.
I looked assertive- made eye contact, created a plan, had perfect posture- I am sticking to my goal! I need to push forward. This will pass.....
I had a great sleep last night, I did not wake up once. I should be happy and grateful!!!!! I don't get good sleeps on Sunday night. It must of been the left over bliss from camping. The weather is was still warm at 5:30 when I ran. My legs felt good and strong. My body felt strong. I did not feel weak. My body is telling me I can do this.....I can go forward. Don't get lost.....
Most of my work was completed on Friday due to my chronic people pleasing disease. My corner is lonely in the afternoon, Jonathan is away in BC and Joan is leaving early. I surf the net, read Hollywood gossip and listen to Stacy vent about Don. I eat the regular wrap. My mind debates salad or wrap why does this create conflict they both are lettuce. I am avoiding the discussion about Cliff's marathon run. I am drifting present away. Starting to sleep again. I miss my yoga practice. I might even miss my therapist. I need to start reading Eckhart Toll again. I need to feel good all over again. I remember clinging to his books after my break up with Keith. It was like Toll had tossed me a life line.
I need to be present to remember all the good things which have happened this summer and the good which is coming. I am working to towards finishing my degree and moving back to BC.
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