Setting Boundaries and Being Present

I'm so confused. How did I get so lost and get it all wrong. All another session in therapy it was suggested I need more long term care and something more intense. I am worried about these words, they made me worried and make me wonder if I can recover. She seemed deeply concerned about my eating habits and me not being present, like I was sleeping in life. This is true. I'm always exhausted burned out feeling tired. I just feeling beaten up by life in general. As I blogged before I'm not sure where to turn to for help. I just the maybe like the therapist suggest the clinic at the university could help. I'm just not sure if I want to commit to treatment lasting 20 hours a week. It's like extreme rehab. I don't know if I have the time, I don't know if I commit the time...and the all what is required. I don't want to put my life on hold to do this...but all of my issues are causing me to put my life on hold anyways.

I am checking my assertive checklist to see it I can follow any of these rules. *FuCk* I'm not good at any rules, I have not been good at this since grade five class with Mrs. Hutchings. My life is turning into a HOLE soundtrack "Live through This". How did I get so discouraged and disconnected from goals.

Yesterday she asked me about relationships...I replied I can't be in one. It wont be loving and I will be resentful of being a prostitute. If I can stick to one goal it's to stay away from men. Lately I don't even feel attractive. I don't feel like I am living in my own body anymore. Maybe I'm not present here cause I'm so uncomfortable and detracted from life. My core is rotting inside of me. Today i'm still ugly and punishing myself with this negative soundtrack in my mind.

I woke at 4:30 am tired and exhausted. I made a choice not to go to work...and stay in bed. I slept till 11:30 am. Finally I went to the university to have my paper completed and signed by the register. The campus was refreshing to be on again. I felt a little alive and it was nice to be doing something different than sitting at desk. I could rest and kinda breath again. I did try to be present and not drift away. After going to campus I went to the movies. I did really want to be in apartment cause it's a mess, I have not cleaned it yet....it reflects how i feel.

This weekend a co worker died in a motocycle accident. I felt bad for moment but I was not crushed by it. I was not moved to post facebook messages to his family and act like a funeral groupee. It made me realize I can't feel anything...not love, not happiness and not even death.