I Feel Angry, Annoyed and Other Meaningless Thoughts from the Buddha

I feel angry today because its Christmas and I do not want to celebrate it.
I feel angry today because I have to give gifts to people who I do not want to celebrate it.
I feel angry today because I feel this obligation to be part of this holiday, it feels meaningless to me
I feel angry today because I thought my left running shoe at home and could not work out at the gym after signing up for a three month membership.
I feel angry today because I feel lonely and my partner is more than 3000 miles away and I have not had a hug since October 1!
I feel angry today because I do not want to go to work tomorrow even if there will be no one in the office
I feel angry today because I am over functioning in a relationship
I feel angry today because I am over tired
I feel angry today because I feel bloated
I feel angry today because I have no Christmas spirit...I am the Christmas grump...
I feel angry today because I want to eat a bag of ruffles but I will feel worst after and just fat/bloated
I feel angry today because there is snow on the ground
I feel angry today because I am afraid of being loved for who I am
I feel angry today because I am afraid of being kind to myself

Tomorrow i will try to be happy....because today I am allow myself to feel angry

Lion Hunts a Lamb

My first Christmas back in Vancouver since 2003 and season feels wonderful. I was walking up Lonsdale looking at the mountains and I realized I live in the one most beautiful cities in the world. The mountains are framed with snow and the lights from the ski hills shine bright into the night. I am awe of  the beauty of the land and how lucky I am to be here.

Yesterday my parents came to visit. My mom disclosed secrets and I was not surprised. Sometimes she is more human than I think. Parents are not really super heros. Mosty I feel angry at my father. Angry at him for being a miserable person in my own life/childhood. He is aging very rapidly and I believe is slowing losing his mind. The person he once was is slipping away .... however this is his choice.

Things feels awkward between my partner and I. It feels like forever since I have a seen him and Edmonton feel so distance and like a life time away. I can't remember him or why I am in this relationship maybe he feels this way too. It would be awful if we both gave up .....

This year I am looking forward to changing my job and traveling more. This year is the year of change!

The Bittersweet

The bittersweet taste of it...the passion, the day and moving on. The end and changes are coming. I am flushed with new energy. For the first time in a while the sky seems clear and I am excited about the future. I am started to rework my resume for new job application. I am excited inside at the changes that coming.

I finally finished my exam, leaving the exam centre I relieved however I know I did the best I could. I am proud of the all of the information I learned over the past 6 months. For this ... is the best reward and I feel more confident. I feel peace. My wrist still ache...and I think its time to return back to yoga. I have missed my practice over the last 4 months. My body now feels twisted and sore.

I am feeling more present ...more active at work. Something has come alive in me...something wants to push again.

Last week was our Christmas party at Hy's ...it was a fun celebration. I drank to many gin/tonics and I could not sleep. I drank at coffee at 11 pm which kept me up till 3 my mind so alive. Each day of the season counting down till christmas. Each day stronger and more present.

Today I am unclear about my status in my relationship, today it's me questioning the merit of having a long distance partner. I feel away from him....I can't reminder his touch/face. I can't reminder why I signed up for this. For this... reason I feel colder and distance. Today I might choose to be alone...

Course in Miracles

Last two days I have attended my CFA exam review. My mind has been stirring with many thoughts. I am feeling a carnival of emotions inside of me. Sometimes happy, sometimes sad, mostly scared/sad. 5 more days till this journey is over. I am not sure how I will feel after. Right now, I have about 50 percent of the answers. I need at least another 15 to pass. 5 days to pull together. 6 months of ago I could not read stats. Today I have very basic understanding. My math skills are not as strong as the other students. Sometimes I am afraid/shy. I struggle with the basic concepts but I am very proud of what I have accomplished. I have not done any math since the summer of grade 11. I know...these skills are important but never to late to start. I might be able to read this language. My mind is excited with thoughts and feels good to expend my knowledge. My mind has not been quiet last night I woke up all thoughts stirring keeping me up late into the morning.

November is a colder wetter month here on the coast. My apartment feels quiet and lonely. I feel sad today and tomorrow is my first day of holidays. I have never taken holidays and not traveled. I wait and sit here. After next June I plan to travel overseas again. I want to go somewhere exotic. I promised my partner I would move back to Edmonton. I am not really sure how he feels about this. I decided around 2 pm today, I could commit to the idea of going back. Although I am not sure what going back means. Today I feel rushed ....rushed about everything...concerned I am wasting my time...concerned there is no forward movement. Concerned I am missing out. Which lead me to panic......mostly my deepest desires to have a child of my own. Will I miss out because of poor planning skills and just being to shy to let someone in. All frantic which I know is wrong....I do not know what I will fill my space with once the studying has stopped.

 I am deathly afraid to let someone know me. This blog is really the only authentic part of my life. This blog is what is part of my mind...each of the deepest most ugly thoughts. Today my face feels old...and time feels like it is slipping away. In my apartment I am alone.

Heart You

It's Friday and I heart you and I want to feel you. I want to wrap my arms and legs around you. Instead I am here alone. Alone for another 6 weeks. I feel it ...the mountains, the snow...the winter. My exam distance in the back of mind. I question my pre test tomorrow. But I am feeling better what will happen will come. I booked a flight back to Edmonton for the new year Jan 10. So long away, but it's all good. I am excited. It will be over 3 months since I have seen him. I feel pain and need to reconnect. Mostly my mind goes over the relationship.... drifting. Not always in the best way.

I had a good day at work till I read my min term review. I felt sad and stressed. I let a couple of words flood my emotions and take over. I know... this year I have not give 100 percent to my job. Looking over an article I realized I was stuck in my career and it was time to move on.....and try something new. This is something I can do. I feel fearful...but tonight might be longest night but I go into the light. 

I have next week off to study. This is the first week I have taken off .... in years and not travelled anywhere. I feel relaxed and happy. 

I went to get my cards read, might have been the best $37.50 I have spent in a while. I was able to put things together. I guess. But I left feelings pretty good about myself. Will I be back in Edmonton in the summer...will I be part of a ready made family? Tonight he has my heart. It loves him dearly. 

What is Yours is not Mine

My hands hurt from studying. I feel all old and my place is a mess. Clothes, dirty sheets and dishes my apartment is filled with. I am tired and crawling to a slow. My mind feels blistered and tired. Last night I sleep and didn't study. I can't remember when I took a day off. I was frustrated from my results of my exam on tuesday. Work makes me feel numb and I am slowing down. I read today an article about a women who is 32 and an assistant branch manager. I realized I might be missing out my career. I feel behind and toren. I feel self fish I might not pass my exam. I have so many feeling inside of me. I don't know is this all pain I am use. My wrists feel like they are on fire as I type this entry.

I have come to the crossroad in my relationship, I am unsure if I want to stay in it. I struggle with what I would give up to stay with him and how he wouldn't be giving the same. Would I be happy in Sherwood Park? All these questions I have in my mind. I don't know how I would feel in a ready made family. Would I ever be number 1 in his life or would always be second class citizen. Would I miss out on the all the experiences one feels with their partner when they first get married. Would I miss these feelings? What I am entitled to and what about all the things in this relationship that I wont have or he can't give, because he can't... Life here is a crossroads. I ask myself what I want, what are my needs? Will be ok? Always I am always ok....miracles are happening.

I Dream of Paris

I dream of Paris today and all things French. I dream of sitting in out door French cafes drinking coffee enjoying the locals pass me by. I envy their style and poise.  Today I dream of anything possible and working overseas. I am in love with Trois Gymnopedies :) I image galleries and all things avant garde! Viva la France Au jour hui!

I have studied most of today and I think I experienced the fastest eye wax in history. Before I could take my coat she was done...but she didn't tweeze very well...but what was I expecting. The wax was almost free.

This week has felt speedy and the leaves have fallen everywhere again. I am still in my on going long distance relationship but I have chosen not to fly to Edmonton next week to visit. I can't really afford the flight and I need the time to study. Mom and Dad want to visit. I feel they will be distracting but I would not mind the dinner company.

I am going out tonight to a meet group to meet some new people. I have not really reached out to people in Vancouver so it's about time!

I feel very positive about the exam although text results have been 50 percent. 21 more days to go....I still have at least 7 days off this month to study.

I dream of France today and meeting new friends :)

November Rain

I am coming to the end of this journey, 27 days left till I write my CFA level one. I wrote my first mock exam yesterday. My mark was a 50 percent. I was excepting this as I knew believed I only knew 50 percent of the material. I lost a lot of marks to the corporate finance section. I think that is what sunk me on the exam. I really had only skimmed those chapters. Two chapters I need to review is corporate finance and economics. I use to think econ was easy ...I am slowly excepting it is not!  I long for summer days again. When I first started studying I remember the heat was terrible and I was sticking to my chair in August. I had the fan blowing on me. Now I wait to dry off after coming in from the rain. 

This has been an exhausting journey at times but worth the fight ...I have learned alot about myself and my ability to grow. Yesterday after the second exam my mind grew tired and exhausted. I was surprised by this. My mind slowly slipped away. 

Work has been the same. I feel like a terrible co worker. I have not attended any staff events since March! But I am planning on attending the christmas party. Sometimes I don't want to be social with my co workers. Sometimes I would rather be alone. I am also exhausted from studying. I feel like all my space time is just for my studies. 

My lover and I are healing our relationship slowly, lately I have been more authentic mostly because I my exam is soon and my focus is not on mending our relationship. I love him today and for the man he is. I love him....do I need to confirm this with a blog post??? Each day I realize he is my soulmate and our relationship feels stronger. It feels strange to think we only knew each other a week before I left Edmonton. Its strange because he decided to commit to me...only knowing me a week. My heart loves him...and I am looking forward to the next steps. I am nervous about meeting his children, I am worried they will not except me. I worry about judgement from his family. I wonder if they are ready for our love. Regardless I need to review my notes...for my exam, all of this...will not be solved or fixed today. My heart loves him. So far away. 

Another Thrusday Night

Is anything normal, what part of me chooses to be alone and separate.... i am so afraid of human contact and rejection. Most of the last week, I spent sick. My exam is in 37 days....my brain is consumed with writing. Its all I think about it....my mind is exhausted but I want to learn more. Why is my mind so bored ...... I feel excited but heart still. Work is dull....not much interesting there. My mind is more interested in my exam and eatting drinking coffee. Yeah ...there is not much left of me....me me...deep deep...sleeping is there something more for me.....

Lately I want away travel go overseas ...... what part of me is so restless but so exhausted. Feeling like I am about the break through. Tonight it feels like everything is going to change soon. I am trying to stay present ...here in the moment and not think the future.....I am looking forward to change in career and the open to all changes. 

Jason sent me an email this morning, it was beautiful....it felt very dear to me. Sitting my small apartment I felt a small piece of life again. Wont hide much longer. 

Healing my Heart

I hear rain outside of my apartment. I keep secrets inside, I love fall in Vancouver. I heard it snowed today in Edmonton and I giggled .... winter is not part of my life anymore and I feel relief. This past 30 days so much has happened and changed. A carnival of emotions flowed from inside of me...and all emotions from anger, happiness, joy, depression, grief and joy. In this blog I'll try to review all .... so much all over..no feeling frantic anymore.

Most of this started with the wedding of Dave and Kristen. Dave is the best childhood friend of my lover. Dave asked him to be in the wedding party last spring. I was surprised I was invited to the wedding. The week before my lover arrived from Edmonton was feeling with stress and confusion. I was not even sure if he would be staying with me...Tuesday the morning he flew out he spent the morning in court trying to wrap up his divorce. He left me an amazing voice mail regarding how much he cared for me. He said I was bright spot of his divorce.

I don't trust very easily. I left the price tag attached to the dress I was going to wear. I could really afford the dress and I decided if needed I would return it to Zara. Wedding scare me and having PMS the week before did not silence my monkey brain. I struggled through a land mine of emotions and tears. I am not sure why I felt this way. I guess it's possible because I didn't see a wedding in the future with my lover. I realized he might never ask me to marry him. I was angry and felt punished. I was trigged by my feelings of being second *again* Second daughter, second in relationships...second place was feeling was used to. For now...I have to remember that is not true..and I need to stop the negative story in my head.

During the wedding vows, I was cranky and shaking...I was happier once I had a drink at the reception. I realized only vodka soda could calm my nerves as I felt like I was shaking like a leaf in the wind. I hate being alone in a room where I know no one..and left to struggle at table by myself. *sigh* ....I am just a girl....

We danced all night and it was amazing. It was the first time ...in several months, I felt love for him and knew why I had fallen in love with him. I saw his spirt again...and it connected with mine. All was love. no tears or fear. I am spend to much energy focused on being afraid of being alone...instead of focusing on peace of mind and joy. All I need is joy and goodness.

My lover missed his flight monday morning..and the storm settled into our relationship. We spent days not talking. We talked once on the phone briefly for 5 minutes. He never returned my call. Than I saw it....I saw red and anger! I saw the slow death of what killed trust in our relationship. He had an online dating profile. I left the office and walked up and down lonsdale. Trying to wrap my head around it. Trying to think of a plan of action ....trying to figure out what was my best move. I waited ...I took my questions to my therapist. She agreed it would be in my best interest to ask him about it. After drinks with Rob...I decided I had enough liquor courage to do it. First I called...and I called again. It went to voice mail and finally I sent a text message....stating I was feeling confused. He called later in the evening...he agreed to remove the profile. Friday the profile was not removed and it was thanksgiving long week. The profile remained active all weekend. I was pissed off...finally ...in my best interest I sent a text telling him..i wanted to end it. Tuesday I was over it...no longer hurt and no more tears. I was done and ready to move on...my heart had closed. He called asked why...after discussing it ...we agreed to stay together. He removed the profile. Although I still wondered if I could trust him...after all of this....if he really had my best interest at his heart.

Currently our relationship is mending it self. I hope it can be healed but I can not control future out comes. Only time will help....I left with the same questions I had the beginning of the relationship...do I want to date a single dad...if so ...will I move back to Edmonton...will he move to coast? I need to make authentic choices for myself. Right now i am at peace. i do feel joy...it's quiet here in North Vancouver little Persia. My soul is peaceful and only seeks love.

My best friend stacy come to visit. I was so excited to see she although I was very tired when she flew out. It felt so good to have her spirt in my home. For her friendship I am truly grateful and blessed. Very few people come into your life and are blessing. We are just authentic together no judgement...and lotsa love. I am never alone...she just a phone call away.

Most of this blog is being written tonight because I am distracing myself from studying. Any minute I will return to my CFA textbooks. PS stats are a little brighter...this week. 42 more days....till I write my mock exam is nov 3. So much to look forward to as christmas approaches. Life is full of miracles. Need to open my eyes to see more of them.

Incinerator Rock

Wednesday evening is passing quickly and the sun has set. This week has been a mix of emotions for me. Sunday night I was very angry at myself for my lack of knowledge and how I had limited progress with the CFA program. The material is dense and lotsa of it. I struggle to follow all of the points. I realized time is slowly slipping away...and the exam is less seventy days. I feel the finish line is coming and I can see the end. I want to believe and I keep reminding myself I can do this. While running Sunday night I saw the Incinerator Rock, it's in the ocean near Tofino. I saw it rising above the storms...and waves. I knew I can make it. So here I am...studying again. I keep running....but my jaw hurts from the stress....the CFA is forcing me to look deep inside of myself....and ask myself the hard questions.....I don't know...how to stop being angry at myself..but I need the challenge...somehow I feel doing this ..is start of another amazing journey to enlightment and learning to learn with courage. 

I finished Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I have never finished an Oprah book club book. But it was an amazing read. Her journey is encouraging. Having lost serval toe nails myself from my first year of running...I can relate to the bruised feet. 

My lover is distance again. Is the universe whispering to me...his sister canceled her wedding. I understand the distance but I am jealous...with the attention she is receiving. No one is paying attention to me...right now...or at least I need to stop thinking that......no more sad story from this girl...I am flying high......so...he is suppose to arrive next tuesday but that is still...not confirmed..oh well...really it's more time to study and clean. And I'm going to Parkville in October. Secretly I might be becoming BC ferries biggest fan. 

Work is better...and I am finally gelling with the guys in the office...I made an effort to be nice...and try to open myself up. .....all things are possible and I am truly blessed...as my Roop said...you went surfing in ocean...you can do anything...and I believe him...cause I have the Incinerator Rock on myside rising up...over...all... Love Hugs...

The New Dress

My lover and I are attending a wedding at the end of September. I was not sure he was going to invite me when he first told me about his childhood friend getting married. My lover is the best man. Last week I realized I had nothing to wear. My closet empty. I have only been invited to family's weddings none of my friends have either invited in to those. I realized shopping none of my close friends are married.

This morning I woke up...after a terrible nightmare. I could not sleep last night...I was angry after my meeting with Linda. I was angry about my relationship. I was angry at him...and had not forgiven. The angry seems to be serving me. I dreamed he was breaking up with me over the phone. He said he could no longer stay in the relationship....I begged him to rethink the decision. I cried...and sobbed. I woke up in my room alone. Scared and alone...feeling afraid. I am so angry at him. I don't want to be second. It's not my lover I am angry at ...it's the childhood wound of not being good enough...of always being second or feeling my needs where not meet. I felt growing up...it was ok...to disapointment me...but not others...such as family or friends or even strangers. Somehow it was assumed I was stronger and would be ok...with second place. I have managed to stop being angry at my mother but have I transplanted the angry to towards him. Asking him to complete a nearly impossible task. This my wound talking...oh how it hurts. My story is different now...I am stronger...and braver...I have done.....and I will be kinder to myself...Today I am allowed to love myself. I feel beautiful...

Create what you want instead of being stuck in what you dont have....

I went downtown to find a dress for the wedding...I drift amongst the football fans and teenagers. Each dress didn't fit...till I went to Zara...and found a tight black dress. It was beautiful and more than I wanted to spend. I handed the lady my visa card. Another debt I'll have to pay off. But I felt like I sparkled in it.

I walked to Chapters to buy a copy of Wild. I wanted to read it...I was so excited about a women backpacking alone along the Pacific Crest Trail. I heart and feel her story. Sometimes the we finally find what fills our souls. I love downtown Vancouver feels so alive with people busy...going places. going home....my home is here. my heart near the pacific ......

Today was my gift day. I took the day off from studying...and bought a new dress. I am trying to be kinder to myself. Read slower....and breath...I need to stop my mind from running away with the story. I am taken care of....and the universe has a plan...

The Weight I Still Carry

Today was my last eye appointment at St Pauls. I started the morning off tired, I feel asleep around 12 ...to late to feel rested for work. I still stirring, my mind angry about my lovers on going divorce. I want it to end...I want to be self fish...and stop allowing this grief into myself. I don't know this women but I feel her...around my thoughts and stirring my emotions from across the rockies. This morning...I was committing myself to happiness and moving forward with my heart open. Letting my heart guide me and my choices. Letting my heart ...not bear the emotional cost of someone else's pain ...and hurt. Deep inside of myself I allow their dissolving relationship ...link into mine...bring darkness instead of light. I do not want to bring myself into this place. I question...what value is he bringing into my life and is he taking my light energy because he can create this himself. Who's energy is stirring inside of me...and how can not let it control...me...

I left work around 8:45 running down Lonsdale to catch the 9 am seabus across to the city. The ride was enjoyable as I looked to Stanley Park in the distance. Cities feel alive to me in the morning. It's like they breath and world wakes up around them. I love being a people watcher...watching those...so in step or out of step with life......so many people ...but very little connections. I am conscience of the moment...the moment of September 12 fills me at 9:26 leaving Burrard Station. My walk to St Pauls was in the sun.

The needle was big, I didn't realize the needle would be in my hand the entire photography sessions. Once it was placed into my body...I lost control. My body became faint...and they nurse's laid me down in the next room, resting with cold clothes on me. It was the first time someone else had taken care of me, since I moved to Vancouver in 2002. Was it really 10 years since I lost control...and let strangers help me. I guess nurses are paid to do their job but somehow I felt comfort and calm.

I lay in the dark room...thinking resting....and relieved. I felt calm as an older lady recalled all of her past family members who had died at St Pauls. Was she planning to be next.

It's calm inside for now.... no storm...just me letting go...and choosing to step aside...back to studying...for my CFA... :)

Runaway in the Wild

Feels like fall and the rain season has started on the North Shore. My hips are so tight from running my body aches and misses the weekly yoga sessions. It needs to breath and exhale. I am having trouble balancing my commitments running, yoga, studying. I don't have enough time for everything. So my body is suffering in tightness. Each step it moans...I know..the CFA is beating me up.

I am half through the CFA marathon, and less than 70 days till exam date. I can already feel it ....I can feel it coming. I know...I will be prepared. Each day I think it about, almost every moment the exam is haunting my mind. CFA is my new boyfriend. It seduces me, makes me nervous makes my mind weak.  Takes away my energy and makes me angry. Each emotion I face...each emotion feel deep inside of me...I know I can do..I know..I am half way there ... the story I tell myself...I am taken care of ...I will be ok...trust and love.

The Lonsdale Quay was busy today with lotsa back to school shopping, I was nearly squished trying to buy fresh soup for lunch. I sat by the water, ate tiger butter and talked to Stacy. I wondered what my life would be life if I had friends like Stacy living in Vancouver.

Today was a slow sunday, woke up waked Oprah, studied and went to the market. My lover called this afternoon to check in. Since August he has made himself more attentive since I have pulled back from him. I realized after my birthday, I would be ok without him. Was the relationship worth saving .... if he can't call on my birthday. I was not so sure. However, I've noticed a change in him...since Tofino he has made an effort to step up and be a partner. He asked me last week again to move back to Edmonton. I am still uncertain if I will move back or if I want to move ....I don't have to decide today...

Today I am at peace with everything in my life...all feels good and quiet and I can handle that.

Tofino, Tacos and Oatmeal Breakfast

Last weekend I went on a epic surf adventure with my friend Lisa for the labour day long weekend. It was amazing refreshing and spiritual. I felt like I had come home into myself. All the grief I was feeling gone....and washed away. A new me...more stronger and bolder, like good cup of coffee...I think I drank to much coffee over weekend and ate alot. All good...I finally starting to feel less bloated. The forest is beautiful and reminds me all things are possible. I felt hope and peace and nothing really mattered most of all I felt like I was not in trouble. I had this same feeling 5 years ago in California. I can try to stop chasing peace. I might be enough to love.

We stayed in a motel in Port Alberni, family owned. The room was modest and had cow mugs. Lisa and I went for nachos at the small pub in town. It made me think of Chilliwack. The menu had a list of everything from steaks, pizza, to noodle dishes. It bought back memories. It has been a while since Lisa and I traveled together mostly because I was living in Alberta.

Our resort in Tofino was amazing, we had an upgrade to a cottage. We each had our own rooms and bathrooms. It was beautiful and an awesome reward. Last weekend felt like the best way to end summer of 2012. We are truly blessed. I enjoy the ferry ride, I lived in the Prairies to long. I know I am not ready to return and I wont return for just a man.

I forgot how much I loved being the ocean, I was feeling fearful...but it felt sooo good to be brave to try something that scared me. I was only afraid for the first 10 minutes after I let go and had fun. I was inspired by Lisa who confessed she has had a swimming lesson since age 5. Both of us felt refreshed and relaxed, we didn't want to return to the city to our regular life. It is possible to keep this feeling forever??? I want to find this feeling and hold on it. I think I have to try different things and keep getting bolder.

Work is better, I am trying hard and my manager went on stress leave which is a big throne out of my side. Things at the branch are running smoother. I felt better at work and less blamed. All things have a way of sorting themselves out.

My lover wants me to move home with him.....in January but I am not ready to go. I am not ready for life with two children or a relationship in Edmonton. Mostly I don't want to leave Vancouver. I really don't want to discuss it with him...I need more time here. I guess if he wants to wait he can...I know this is my choice...

Need to find the Tacofino in Vancouver. So much to look forward to ....I finally adjusting to Vancouver and embracing my new life here. Hello....good fortune.. :)

My New Story

No more sad little girl posts...crying about men and lack of self-image. I am putting the sad little girl in the coffin and putting her to rest. That story is dead...and I am no longer...going to tell myself these nasty things in my head. I am going to live with out fear and put myself on centre stage. Time to star in my own show and why not I am a super star...Here is to courage and stepping up.

After a weekend of crying and watching Oprah...I found myself..chanting a new mantra...and banging a new drum...yup...I am worth it. No more letting men devalue me....and taking from me. I still have moments when the sad little girl wants attention but I shut her down with my new mantra...I have tools and it was always in side of me. I can ...do it...I will do it...be brave...So I am back to my life plan , I was off track for a little bit, although I can embrace this relationship has pushed me to look deeper at family of origin problems. In the last weeks I have watched them creep up into my relationship and make a mess. Most of the angry is directed at my mother instead, I found myself angry at my lover. At this moment I do not know where our relationship stands. I find myself leaning back trusting myself and my intuition. This space is a good thing...at least for me. Although painful and I cry, it is pushing me to progress and find forgiveness. I am ready to forgive to my mother. I am ready to let go...I am tired of carrying this angry and fear. I am ready to be fearless...and let go. I am ready to give intimacy a chance...and let someone know me. My heart feels alive and light. I am hopeful love will come into my life...and the right man will step up. I deserved to be loved. I deserved to be treated and valued.

List of Goals ...

Pass CFA
Apply for New Jobs
Create a space for love
Forgive mom and dad and elizabeth
Let go of my lover, he might not be able to step up and I am ok with that. The right man will

I've Been Ashamed and Afraid

Here I am stopping myself my running...stoping my brain my over thinking...stoping myself from wondering what I could do differently, stopping myself from trying to salvage this rocky time in my relationship. I am putting the focus back on myself...I've been lost and I need to follow what is right for me...I need to stop being a air bag...I need to stop devaluing myself..because I do not get attention.

It's strange to be 32 and still working on my stuff. When will this journey be done. I realized yesterday I was putting to much focus on one person and not enough myself and other. Today I work up..read my not my stuff mantra. It's refreshing and helps me refocus. It's not myself and not my place. I need to pick up and do something different...Do my hair..do stuff for myself. Let the relationship sit, he will step up if he wants to be in.

The present moment feels good..and warm. My bed feels comfortable even when I wake alone and I think the for the first time in 6 months I am ok with the possible idea ...he might not be the one for me. I have to secure in my place...I have to refocus and be secure.

This morning I ran...it was hot and I was sweating through my running jacket....yesterday I told care of myself..and had my hair, I am feeling pretty good about. It looks pretty....:) and I smile. I am only in charge of myself...and my feelings. My stuff is my stuff...and that's ok..to deal with.

Working on my Stuff

It's none of my business and not my place to fix anyone else's stuff. I need to work on my own stuff.

Last night was the first night I slept, it was a deep sleep and work up relaxed and not panicked. I felt the deepest feeling of relief. I felt my body breath again. My skin is aging...I notice my face is drier. My body is changing. I used to never notice myself age....I glided into my twenties. Now into my face is changing. I try to find the same person...behind the mirror. I am trying to find myself. Each day now is different. I have to work on being in the present again. I lost track of moment and the here and now.

Mom and Dad came to visit yesterday, they bought me a table cloth. They think my kitchen table is naked. We went to Horseshoe Bay to have dinner at the Olive and Anchor. After dinner we walked along the dock and watched the ferries. I am always feel more peaceful near water. Somehow I felt more complete. I had spend the morning at the eye clinic at St Paul's after a battery of more tests, they still could not determine if my freckle near my right eye is cancerous. I have to go back again...hopefully for the last time. I am in good hands...Dr Ross..can be kinda crusty but has a kind soul. I'll make my next appointment for September.

Tomorrow I am getting my hair lighted...I am still on a quest to find a hair dress in Vancouver. This city is beautiful but lacks and skilled hair dressers. Rene remembered Lisa, she use to work at Icon in Edmonton. So I'll give Bangtown a chance...I am told you can have draft beer while you get a trim. My roots are coming in all over the place and my hair feels so oily. I feel oily and dirty too because of the seasons changing.

This morning I woke up and realized fall was around the corner. I felt strange alone..and odd..September always feels like change. I always feel progressive in September. It will make my 6 month anniversary in Vancouver. Feels strange to think 6 months ago I was in Edmonton. Edmonton feels like a million years ago. Cant say it feels familiar or like home. Feels like a memory and foreign. My lover is sick, and we have not touched based in two days. Hope he is well. Strange when someone is far away. Its strange most of my longest relationships are long distance. Who this benefiting me...or him? I have to say myself...to I feel more comfortable when someone is a arm distance away, knowing they might never get to know me. Do I mostly seek friendship versus sexual. Do do I only crave sex every couple of months...will I ever aloud myself to be comfortable in a relationship? Will someone be home when I turn the lights on???

The Longest Night

I had the longest night yesterday, I cried and sobbed...till my whole body was exhausted. It lost complete control of myself. The deepest most saddest part of my core feeling sad, ashamed and lonely. Every bit of me ached and could not fall asleep.

I sat last night by the olympic flame looking out over the harbour. I saw the Lions Gate Bridge, this time from the other side of the downtown. I thought to myself I have at least 48-72 hours to jump before someone notices. And for realizing this ...I ache..and cried. This year after the longest night I am going into the light and searching. Last night I did not jump...instead a hollywood director jumped off a bridge in Los Angeles. I felt the connection and lost, he must of felt before he jumped. Three years ago I had a client jump of the High Level Bridge. He jumped into the frozen waters of the North saskatchewan. What did he think before he jumped. Did he feel peace or fear as he leaped into the waters. Today I ponder my good fortune to survived last night...and not be over by grief. Today I am alive. All things are better in the morning. I made it to work, brushed my teeth..and made a smoothie. All things feel brighter when there is sun.

This morning I left alone at the desk, confused I finally confronted my lover about his sloppy behaviour on my birthday. I felt fear, sadness and discontentment. Mostly I was disapointment when he never called yesterday morning. I am rational and my happiness...is not someone responsibility. For now I just float though my emotions towards him. I am choosing to feel 60 seconds of happiness instead a minute of fear and anger. I am getting better with addressing my angry. I feel content ....I can express it...in small scripts which I am trying hard to write with none blaming language. Each word I try to place...each one ...with a large impact. Why I am so triggered lately by pregnant women. So much to celebrate. When you childless...you don't have duty ....you don't have a purpose. Sometimes...when you are single and female...other people careless use it as a excuse to cause harm. Sometimes..I feel the world sees me as a women...who's body is covered in scales. No assumptions made here...I would like to belong to a family. Lately notice families on the street...and want to be part of there lives. I look into windows...and wonder what it is like to come home to someone...what it is like know...someone is there...sleeping by you. Somewhere I long to belong...but so afraid to trust. So afraid to let someone in,,,,feeling like a cat who crawls back...so scared...

I have another Doctor's appointment at St Pauls wednesday morning. they don't know if my right retina has cancer...still waiting for answer...excited I get half a day off. One and half weeks till my trip to the island...it will be nice to leave this city and feel refreshed. I am excited about being close to the ocean on Vancouver Island. Maybe for reason alone...I didn't jump...I couldn't leave with out seeing that view.

Happy Birthday

I am sitting alone at my kitchen table wondering why....it hurts so much today, why I can't see joy...I feel numb...and depressed...and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I do not except a lot from birthdays. I really at this moment in my life want a happy birthday or to be acknowledged, but today from my apartment I feel alone. More alone than I felt in years. Each year on my birthday I feel empty and lonely. I cry a little. This year is worst because I am not working today. Sundays feel hallow. No message from my loved one...I question if he forgot my birthday or has chosen to forget. For this I have no answer. I just feel deeply hurt. I feel unloved. I don't feel safe....all of the I feels...are flooding over me..the tide of grief. Another year...and what has changed. But I am still so guarded with my emotions. So tight and restricted. Unable to open myself up.

I wonder if all I am are the stories I keep telling over and over again in my head. Is my mind honest with myself...is my ego not letting me see the real me. How I can show someone myself....with out being honest. For all of this I ache. I am sooo terrified of letting go...letting someone in...being authentic. Who is I am....how would my friends describe...could they describe...me as they only know bits and pieces. This is why birthday are being lonely. To have a birthday party would require me trusting other people, letting someone in....letting someone get to know me. I know I walk around with a wall sometimes....sometimes..it is so thick....I am just so scared. I find comfort in being alone...than being with other people. I am afraid to share my space.

This summer has been good to me....it's been along time since I let someone into my space Jules and my lover. Annoyed I am about him forgetting my birthday...but how could he know. If I never told him.

This past week has been once of new concepts and ideas for me...more personal exploring. Pushing me to be uncomfortable. I don't allow myself to be uncomfortable with someone...I use to run away. All things ache...slowly pushing into the sunset.

PS I have decided next year to plan a party...even if only one friend shows....up...no more birthdays alone. no more tears .....

Discontentment

Here I am sitting at my table with the most beautiful bunch of flowers on it. Jules left me a beautiful flower arrangement for my birthday. To which I am realizing how much discontentment has sucked away at me for the last 48 hours. I have been an angry, sad, bitter person......it's all disfunction to myself. I only harm myself feeling this way.

This week I am being forced to revisit concepts I left behind in my childhood. Religion vs Spirituality. Can they live together ...can one person...love someone ...knowing they will never accept or participate in their belief system. I am never going to be called to the flock. I am very content with this. I knew when I was a teenager. My beliefs were shaken ...when he confused he found God again in the form of Christianity and was seeking to practice. For the first time in our relationship I felt fearful and scared. I worried our values no longer matched. I felt disconnected and scared. I could see past ....the moment. Helpless I cried..and sobbed.

Currently we are couple...here in the present moment......I am stuck with discontentment about his new beliefs. Is this what is keeping me from growing....progressing...forward...awaking...old beliefs within myself??? Is it possible I was meant to revisit...my own morals...my own growth...here is to growing pains....it all feels uncomfortable...and foreign..unlike my old self who would run from this challenge and shut it down...I am going to approach this from a different point of view...grace...no harm..acceptance..love...compassion...fearless...

Stage one....there is are thorns...
Stage two...no one is going to remove the thorns...maybe he's right discontentment could turn into acceptance...peace..

Oligopoly

My relationship is one....the barriers are high and few firms are completing. Today I am unsure. all things feel complicated to me. The press in my stomach builds and turns, I ache.  I realized I had gone to yoga in 2 weeks....my tummy is needing to breath. When I get stressed I feel it in my stomach ... my lower abdomen hurts. Most of this I spent at home....not studying not doing laundry. Laying in bed and grocery shopping. I spent near $50 on not a lot of food...mostly olive oil, cheese and humus.

My friday night is a quiet one. Jules out in the city. I wish I shopping downtown, instead of sitting in my kitchen with pains in the gut. Something is not right. Something is changing.

My doctor's appointment is in two weeks. Two weeks till I know

After my Laundry is Finished

After my laundry is finished I will study, go a run, make my bed and do some shopping. My mental list of tasks is growing as I look around my apartment, a pile of towels sits in the corner still not washed left over my partners' visit. Jules is still here and will leaving next Wednesday. Strangely I do enjoy her staying with me and I think I will be sad when she leaves. I bought her a journal as going away present for her to write in when she returns to Edmonton.

This afternoon feels beautiful! The sun...the weather and the north short. All things feel beautiful right now and I feel calm.

This week was a quiet week at work, just me in my small office. The office has no window and I miss looking out over the city. It has the feeling of a doctor's office cold stale..with no art work or paintings. It feels unfinished.

My birthday is coming up in 10 days. I will be 3.2! Or 95% percent confident according to the Z table! I am not sure what 32 feels like but I am enjoying life after 31!

Need to go to the laundry to put my clothes in dryer....and for first time in my life...I read the washer instructions. I am feeling a positive probability oh stats...my new love language...

Just Girl With Some Courage

Just another BC day long weekend. I spent my day being so lazy, all my days are lazy lately. I don't know where this exhaustion is coming from. Do I need a new multi vitamin. *sigh* ....I am still sharing my small apartment with my Jules, she is here for another couple of days. She comes and goes as she pleases. I feel like am awful host...as I need to study....and less party...Last night at midnight I stood in the middle of street to hold her cab as she left for the east side of city. I feel more comfortable with myself. Although I enjoy having someone here.

I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, my first back after missing two last week. I not really looking forward to combing through the emails in my in box. Regardless I am going...each I am there a small piece of my creative soul is sucked into the assistant graveyard. After all of these years of this job...I feel it's time to move past broker assistant and into a more interesting position. Good news...I have finally received confirmation I will grad this fall from the University of Alberta. I was numb when I saw the email I really had nothing to say. I did not feel excited or proud....I reflected on the last ten years...My degree is strange mix of life experience. It represents to me surviving my 20's. My grade point average is a reflection of the turbulence I felt. All of my fears and insecurities calculated into one number that equals my effort and intelligence. I am not academic just a girl with some courage.

Love Letter

I am deeply madly in love....Sunday night warm almost 26 degrees. My apartment feels warmer and I am starting to sweat in my chair as I type this. Still in the humidity I am in love with him. Last week he visited....and sleep together for 5 nights. I love feeling his skin next to mine, his body....I love all of imperfections. Most of all...I am in love. It feels stable and not frantic, it feels amazing. The rockies is like a wall between us, but does not keep us apart. I am lucky to find love at 31. Listening to Stevie Nick sing Crash. I have a small list of things I love about him...mostly I love awaking up and knowing we will have coffee together and fall asleep together. AT YVR, I said good bye again for another 6 weeks apart. *sigh* Time is traveling fast between us because I am studying for my CFA. I really do not have time for a relationship and the distance lets me studying and not be distracted. My fav moment of his last visit was sitting on the bench at Kits Beach together and looking at the barges. He is so sweet to me. Each visit bringing a new piece of lingerie for me to model. His hands all over my body, touching me and loving. I am at piece and melt into his arms. And I know he is at peace here in Vancouver and so far away from his drama. Edmonton equals disfunction to me....and maybe to him too...I can only hang on to the drama and believe ...and trust we will make it. It has almost 6 months ago I met him at yoga my last week in Edmonton. He touched my soul and recused me...I do not know how I would have made it without him. As the plane left Edmonton on Feb 23 ...I knew I left someone behind...His spirt so close to mine. I miss and heart my lover so deeply. I knew from the moment i saw him upside down I wanted to be his wife. For my soul to touch his ...I am forever so grateful. It is pride weekend in Vancouver and the city is being invaded. I am so over pride...I am so over the materialism. My friend Jules is staying with me for a couple days. My apartment has never been so busy.....I am like a bed and breakfast. The company is awesome....I really do not feel so lonely in the city. Work is same and every so close to boring me terribly. I feel asleep at the desk, as I am sleep walking through my day. Each day....I wait till I leave. Counting down...till I have a job I love as much as my lover..... all roads lead to home...and letting myself be loved and seen.

Impression, Soleil Levant (Sunrise)

I am melting this morning in the summer of Vancouver. The weather warm feels mild with the ocean breeze unlike Alberta. My apartment is relatively small and has an open layout. Although the space is very crucial to my experience. Today,I wish was more exotic like Japanese Impression prints hung in salons on Paris..I wish I could offer some comfort to others day to day. I am really only hear to listen and not offer advice. It hurts to listen to the anger and vents. I feel deep pain inside each time he says what is the point in a second marriage. I question why I am still here and is it worth it. this part of me is deep sad and helpless, and a part of me wants to walk away. I feel ignored. How much longer will I choose to stay in this place? Mostly the words I want to hear is thank you. Just thank you for hanging in there for me...and thank you for listening. i just want to know..somehow I am appreciated. In his house i had a chance to reflect and analyze what my life would be like. I chance to really see the reality of the situation. I guess the decision is mine....if i choose to accept this option or find another. Today I am in no rush to decide and I am only enjoying my life here in the present moment.

Lunch for One in Sherwood Park

I am not to sure how I have come back to this place but here I am sitting at the head of someone else's dinning room table in their suburban home in Sherwood Park, Alberta. I feel restless and when I look around everything looks the same...same car, same house...same life plan. This house is different half finished ....have empty .... a family lives here kinda not my family, I am not part of this family. I only known from the boarder lands (So post modern of me today)(Big Girl with really deep thoughts) ... broke pieces of a lives slowly coming undone....Just a different women eating breakfast on another woman's table. I sweep up the crumbs so she will not know I am here....she wont know I slept in her bed. I feel kinda an odd awaking in me. You really don't know anyone till you stay in their home.

My obligation is to make her bed. It leaves me uncomfortable in my skin. Your in the boarder lands, in this space multiple people over laps, experiences and perspectives. Could the boarder lands include Sherwood Park. I am very urban girl, and love large cities and the vibe and life. Could I be having an Existentialist crisis instead.... I am trying to identity a place I am trying so hard not to move to and lose myself. I guess the suburbs are my boarder lands...and within these walls...are my own multiple layers...each one challenging me and peeling back. I am always toren here...is it my fear of love and lost of control...which is so prevents me from moving back. I know...love would be possible here and would grow. I am question if I am ready to be here or ready to grow up.

The part of me which identities with my free spirt soul is toren about settling down. I'm all packed :) and I'm back in Edmonton for the first time since Feb. Feels the same, I feel I escaped. Somehow running away gives me hope....and I know...i can escape again.

It makes feel closer to Argentina.

I am always tempted by the great escape. I want to run away ....aways...run...far...and to exotic locations. Somehow I have come to believe traveling to exotic locations would make me more interesting...and more interesting to men...instead this has done the opposite. I have pushed them away...for life less ordinary and comfortable. I am always looking into the suburban home instead of owning it. Maybe those home owners are looking out at me...will my last memory of him be tail lights of his european car driving away.

Someone is Missing

Someone is Missing Sadness is the wall between two gardens: Kahil Gibran Last night I woke up twice…once at 1:30 and 4:32. Usually I wake up once but rarely twice. The second time my sheets and bedding twisted around my body. My room hot and muggy, windows closed this warm June night. My mind buzzing and processing, still not quiet. I was terrified to close my eyes at mediation this weekend. I did not want to go deep within; I didn’t want to think about being alone. I fought and refused my present reality. For the first since I moved back to Vancouver I was alone. I would have to find a way to take care of myself and my own emotional needs. The last four months I have been greedy and lazy, and refused to make connections, but now at 4:32 am I realized everything had changed. Last weekend was so beautiful and I had almost rewritten my life plan. I was charting the perfect course, and everything felt almost perfect. As perfect as something could be in my dysfunctional world (aka small studio North Vancouver apartment). I was conquering letting go of the all the negative scripts my parents had taught me. All things seemed beautiful but for my partner they twisted and fell apart. Leaving him overwhelmed and over extended. He now slipped away from me. Monday mornings: are the same for me, ordinary. Coffee and half hot chocolate. But it is relaxing to be in the office versus my room. Today I put my face on and heels and sorta good (in a Sylvia Plath kinda way, pre Ted Hughes). Maybe this evening I can face my fears…and try to mediate again. Looking forward to facing the emptiness and knowing it is something not so painful.

I am going not to Divorce my Argentinian Lover

It's a beautiful Vancouver day, sunshine all weekend...and lotsa yoga. After two months I finally have my yoga groove back :) I was struggling since moving from Edmonton, the poses felt strange and new, I felt unbalance and unsure of each move...and my legs/hips stiffen with each passing week. After two Yin classes...I finally felt my body melt back into my flow....as I reached for my toes...and rested my head back on my mat. I am home at the Yoga Pod and alittle drunk on Sundays from yoga flow. I know the new teachers have enriched my life more than I can even understand. I wait for the future to fully understand their lessons. I closed my eyes...and saw beach, sunlight and warm topical water. Cayman Islands...by 35 :) So I choose not have a home...or do I crave never belonging..this I am unsure of. I need to find the openness I experienced before I left Edmonton and find balance with being alone and social interactions. Why does the quiet feel so appealing sometimes. I am writing this post from the Blenz coffee shop at Lonsdale and 15th. With a matcha latte by my side. I slip the warm green tea and smile. I feel at home in this neighbourhood which boosts one of the largest Persian population outside of Iran. Exotic teas and tea pots fill small shops. Children chasing soccer balls down lonsdale ave. Yesterday I for lunch I was served two halves of grilled tomato and half an onion. I am still unsure of what to do with the onion :)It made me smile. I find myself at strange place in life...somewhat committed but very much single...and alone. I guess girlfriend is another label for waiting for someone better to come into my life. It's a label I am growing uneasy with. Like Lonsdale ave and I am also mixing the exotic into my own personal life. I don't want to be a girlfriend, I'd rather be a wife.

Beautiful Friday Morning

It's a beautiful friday morning on the North Shore. I could not think of words to describ it so I did a google search, the first thing image google picked up was a pick of the lions gate bridge and stanely park. Awesome and so ironic, I am giggling at my desk at the strange connection. Thinking of beautiful outside is helping me ignore the slaughter of the markets on the side here at my desk. My computer screen bleeds red. Annual May sell off...makes investors nervous till october, we should all be educated about the investment seasons. Although this week was rocky, poor communication skills now ironned out with a new process. Cheers to new beginnings and acknowledgement of errors and good glass of Argenitian Malbec. Red wine and french makes most awkward situations better or at least removes the edge. I am looking forward to a peaceful weekend with yoga and maybe some shopping and seawall running :) 10.8 kms is the seawall and I enjoy a good 10 km run. Last weekend was busy. Highlights for me included Kylie's 21 birthday party and dinner with Mom and Dad on Sunday night. We shares a ridiculous large sundae. I am trying to organize my summer and fall plans. I am bursting with energy and excitment and at least the opportunity to enjoy a good latte. I might even visit Edmonton .... Camping trip???? A couple of weeks ago famous words where said at the bakery in Safeway over some doughnuts..... Hey man....everything is good here... which made me fall deeper in love.

Looking at Impossible, Learning to Love the Ugly Side

I've tried to love someone else latey and give apperciation. Today I have choosen to look within myself..deep within and all of the dark places I don't like to go. It's like pulling out an old dusty box from the attic, the kinda stuff you hide. The underwear you own and our embarressed off. This is the ugly I choosen to hide from those I have loved. Choosing to make today the exception, I am trying to reveal and not bury this deep dark embarressing secrets. I have spent to much time performancing and trying to be remain calm and perfect, instead of embracing my feelings and not stuffing them down. The performance is done. Weather in Vancity is rainy cold...it feels dark and cold, with some rays of light. Mostly yoga is restful and waking up in the morning.I am trying hard to not over think and just be myself. Ten more minutes till sushi. :)

Via the North Shore

So many changes in the last 60 days, my life has speed alittle out of control. I finally recieved the job offer I was waiting for and packed my bags and moved to North Vancouver. The sleepy suburb on the other side of the harbour. The north shore is full of little mom and dad shops and has a wonderful charm. The community is warm and friendly and invitiing. Fridays nights are filled with locals walking their dogs and people sitting in pubs. I finally feel like I am fitting into the neighbourhood. I was eager to join the local yoga studio and find new running paths. I crave running the seawall and the smell the ocean. Each day I am greated by the coast mountains rising up to say good morning enjoy your over priced latte with a shot of irish cream. I love being back on the coast every minute of it. My soul craves this life. I feel peaceful and love living alone :) My small studio apartment is peaceful and quiet. The view is not much but the space feels very personal. I feel like a writer in residence. The space feels very warm and calming. Peace is finally flooding into my life like most beautiful waves on the ocean in the morning. I am so blessed to have a new yoga teacher, somehow the universe takes care of your needs. For this I am truly grateful. Each day walking to work I see the Lions Gate Bridge and smile. Work is still the same, more peaceful but less entertaining with out the boss man. Although I could not quite escape Alberta, a small piece of the my heart was left behind with a forensic accountant. My soul feels an affinity when close to his. For the first time in my life, I trust I am loved. Although previous social relations have educated me not to trust. After 30 I am finally brave enough to let someone in and I don't need to run. I smile and sleep peacefully next to him. Currently we live apart I know...live together in the future, location undeterminted.

Celebration!!!!!! Year of WE!!!

Welcome 2012, the year of change and awesome progression and forgiveness. this year I want to be kinder and more gentile to myself. 2012 year of accepting myself and creating some present moment awareness. Over the holidays I lost sight of being aware in the present moment and let of my fear of future over take me and resisted any kinda of holiday celebrations.

I think I was a little spoiled this year at christmas!!!! I did get some awesome gifts :)

So I have no longer have an investment advisor i work for anymore....it's kinda this pressure has been removed from me...and I just kinda relaxed and enjoy work alittle more right. I so looking forward to the future and I know I don't have much longer in Edmonton. I hope to be home by spring......although I have learned from the best in the business and I was lucky to know...these individuals... Here's to brokers....and Tuesday night yoga class...and rainy nights in January in Edmonton. There is no darkness at night when I make alittle space to let some light guide me home.

Before christmas I gave myself the freedom to be open and accepting of people. I left myself be myself with strangers and it was kinda fun and enjoyable to participate in new conversations and meet new friends. Somehow even with all of the disfunction of 2011...December ended with a bang!!!! and was very enjoyable.

Rob and I spent a afternoon snowboarding...it was great and he found the letters I had wrote over 10 years ago!!!!!!!! Somehow reading the letters reminded me of when I was naive and hopeful ...and me at the best ...before any self doubt about life....I want to carry that feeling into the present..and hold on it....no fear going into the future...and let the best of me shine through....I feel alot of love...and love to share and give back...Mentally I am finally back to a good place... :) The letters reminded me of person...who I had forgot...and sometimes wanted to forget...but I'm kinda proud of the 21 year me...and where I ended up...it's going to be ok...and I think she thought it was going to be ok...tooo...I loved the poetry in the letters...wow...how insightful...of me...I miss the girl who wrote poems...

This year .... I am excited and grateful for the changes and peace that is coming into my life...I know...I'm headed home...and truly loved and blessed each day and surrounded by the best... :)

Cheers to all of those who will never read my blog or know me....but I hope you feel the peace in this posting....