The Longest Night

I had the longest night yesterday, I cried and sobbed...till my whole body was exhausted. It lost complete control of myself. The deepest most saddest part of my core feeling sad, ashamed and lonely. Every bit of me ached and could not fall asleep.

I sat last night by the olympic flame looking out over the harbour. I saw the Lions Gate Bridge, this time from the other side of the downtown. I thought to myself I have at least 48-72 hours to jump before someone notices. And for realizing this ...I ache..and cried. This year after the longest night I am going into the light and searching. Last night I did not jump...instead a hollywood director jumped off a bridge in Los Angeles. I felt the connection and lost, he must of felt before he jumped. Three years ago I had a client jump of the High Level Bridge. He jumped into the frozen waters of the North saskatchewan. What did he think before he jumped. Did he feel peace or fear as he leaped into the waters. Today I ponder my good fortune to survived last night...and not be over by grief. Today I am alive. All things are better in the morning. I made it to work, brushed my teeth..and made a smoothie. All things feel brighter when there is sun.

This morning I left alone at the desk, confused I finally confronted my lover about his sloppy behaviour on my birthday. I felt fear, sadness and discontentment. Mostly I was disapointment when he never called yesterday morning. I am rational and my happiness...is not someone responsibility. For now I just float though my emotions towards him. I am choosing to feel 60 seconds of happiness instead a minute of fear and anger. I am getting better with addressing my angry. I feel content ....I can express it...in small scripts which I am trying hard to write with none blaming language. Each word I try to place...each one ...with a large impact. Why I am so triggered lately by pregnant women. So much to celebrate. When you childless...you don't have duty ....you don't have a purpose. Sometimes...when you are single and female...other people careless use it as a excuse to cause harm. Sometimes..I feel the world sees me as a women...who's body is covered in scales. No assumptions made here...I would like to belong to a family. Lately notice families on the street...and want to be part of there lives. I look into windows...and wonder what it is like to come home to someone...what it is like know...someone is there...sleeping by you. Somewhere I long to belong...but so afraid to trust. So afraid to let someone in,,,,feeling like a cat who crawls back...so scared...

I have another Doctor's appointment at St Pauls wednesday morning. they don't know if my right retina has cancer...still waiting for answer...excited I get half a day off. One and half weeks till my trip to the island...it will be nice to leave this city and feel refreshed. I am excited about being close to the ocean on Vancouver Island. Maybe for reason alone...I didn't jump...I couldn't leave with out seeing that view.