Happy Birthday

I am sitting alone at my kitchen table wondering why....it hurts so much today, why I can't see joy...I feel numb...and depressed...and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I do not except a lot from birthdays. I really at this moment in my life want a happy birthday or to be acknowledged, but today from my apartment I feel alone. More alone than I felt in years. Each year on my birthday I feel empty and lonely. I cry a little. This year is worst because I am not working today. Sundays feel hallow. No message from my loved one...I question if he forgot my birthday or has chosen to forget. For this I have no answer. I just feel deeply hurt. I feel unloved. I don't feel safe....all of the I feels...are flooding over me..the tide of grief. Another year...and what has changed. But I am still so guarded with my emotions. So tight and restricted. Unable to open myself up.

I wonder if all I am are the stories I keep telling over and over again in my head. Is my mind honest with myself...is my ego not letting me see the real me. How I can show someone myself....with out being honest. For all of this I ache. I am sooo terrified of letting go...letting someone in...being authentic. Who is I am....how would my friends describe...could they describe...me as they only know bits and pieces. This is why birthday are being lonely. To have a birthday party would require me trusting other people, letting someone in....letting someone get to know me. I know I walk around with a wall sometimes....sometimes..it is so thick....I am just so scared. I find comfort in being alone...than being with other people. I am afraid to share my space.

This summer has been good to me....it's been along time since I let someone into my space Jules and my lover. Annoyed I am about him forgetting my birthday...but how could he know. If I never told him.

This past week has been once of new concepts and ideas for me...more personal exploring. Pushing me to be uncomfortable. I don't allow myself to be uncomfortable with someone...I use to run away. All things ache...slowly pushing into the sunset.

PS I have decided next year to plan a party...even if only one friend shows....up...no more birthdays alone. no more tears .....