Today was my last eye appointment at St Pauls. I started the morning off tired, I feel asleep around 12 ...to late to feel rested for work. I still stirring, my mind angry about my lovers on going divorce. I want it to end...I want to be self fish...and stop allowing this grief into myself. I don't know this women but I feel her...around my thoughts and stirring my emotions from across the rockies. This morning...I was committing myself to happiness and moving forward with my heart open. Letting my heart guide me and my choices. Letting my heart ...not bear the emotional cost of someone else's pain ...and hurt. Deep inside of myself I allow their dissolving relationship ...link into mine...bring darkness instead of light. I do not want to bring myself into this place. I question...what value is he bringing into my life and is he taking my light energy because he can create this himself. Who's energy is stirring inside of me...and how can not let it control...me...
I left work around 8:45 running down Lonsdale to catch the 9 am seabus across to the city. The ride was enjoyable as I looked to Stanley Park in the distance. Cities feel alive to me in the morning. It's like they breath and world wakes up around them. I love being a people watcher...watching those...so in step or out of step with life......so many people ...but very little connections. I am conscience of the moment...the moment of September 12 fills me at 9:26 leaving Burrard Station. My walk to St Pauls was in the sun.
The needle was big, I didn't realize the needle would be in my hand the entire photography sessions. Once it was placed into my body...I lost control. My body became faint...and they nurse's laid me down in the next room, resting with cold clothes on me. It was the first time someone else had taken care of me, since I moved to Vancouver in 2002. Was it really 10 years since I lost control...and let strangers help me. I guess nurses are paid to do their job but somehow I felt comfort and calm.
I lay in the dark room...thinking resting....and relieved. I felt calm as an older lady recalled all of her past family members who had died at St Pauls. Was she planning to be next.
It's calm inside for now.... no storm...just me letting go...and choosing to step aside...back to studying...for my CFA... :)
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