A Warm Place

My heart is full of excitement and I am waiting with delight for my new puppy, due to arrive in a couple of months. I feeling proud and very happy in my soul ... I've wanted another pet for many years but I have not the ability to take care of one. Finally I'm in a great place and a wonderful little soul is coming my way.

The weather is holding and winter has arrived. Each morning I wake up and the yard is full of frost. I miss summer already but looking forward to christmas holidays.

I had a disappointing dentist appointment, I'm back in the dentist chair next month and next march for 9 fillings. I believed the health of my teeth had improved but I guess I was wrong. Not looking forward to the next appointments.

Rob's mom stayed for almost 5 weeks. It was strange and lonely after she left. The house felt empty ... the first evening I was alone.

I'm not minding being in the house alone right now ... Rob is busy working on the mainland. And I am enjoying sleeping in ... drinking coffee and sitting on the couch.

Forever Frustrated

I felt my journal was growing ... and I was growing as a person ... since addressing all the thoughts in my mind. Over 13 months... I feel I am going backwards... into a deep darkness of becoming impatient demanding ... losing focus ...

I want to feel there is something bigger .. for me .. other than starring .. why is right answer so difficult to communicate. Why is right sometimes so difficult. My mind gets bored easily ... as if I have mental ADD ...

I closed my eyes this morning ... I mediated .. waited ... listening ... I miss my body .. I have no connection with .. I no connection with my spirt ... I've stepped on a train .. I want to crawl off ... get away from targets ... agendas ...

Thanksgiving Monday

I love the smell of thanksgiving. I love baking pumpkin pies ... it reminds of me of being little again.

I've come to the sweet spot in life, but I do not want to believe all the kinds words I hear, I do not want to grow my ego ... I want to stay in a space of being hungry to learn and to allow others/myself to be vulnerable. We hold space for so many others ....

A client called me not emotional, ....

I'm not sure ... what to make of my current career choice ... why so much of how I spend my free time depends on a small group of clients ... how they feel twists how I FEEL ... on my spare time ...when do I get back to my personal freedom ... when I feel choice ... ??

A Lady Wearing Pants on Monday

Today I wore something rare .... pants .and flats. I walked into work ... and everyone stared ... I didn't realize I had this dress wearing image.

I drove over a sidewalk on the road today ... I got nervous and drove away. I felt horrible ... I just wanted gas. I just wanted to be a better driver.

I am feeling spiritual today ... struggling to find a connection but it's coming closer. My stomach craves ... a connection ... I miss yoga and my mat.

Next week ... I'm back in Vancouver for the first time since November. I'm looking forward to the city ...

Whispers

I am reminded what is my stuff is my stuff! I have to own the thoughts in my head .... and take things personally ... I'm trying grow and have reflection.

The weather has changed .... and it is growing colder ... my body is freezing ... and winter is near .. My mind becomes exhausted ..

Reading poems ... written last year .. I am feeling inspired ... about the journey .. I've taken. I am reflective .. where is my spiritual soul .. I miss her so deeply ... I ache for peace for my soul ..

Empire of the Island

It's crisp in the air again ... fall is coming ...

I spent the last weekend of summer on Cortez Island ... sleep in a tent .. it was refreshing beautiful and something different I have not experienced. I'm adjusting to the fall pace ... work is picking up and changing .. the pace is becoming faster ...  I still struggle to know if I can make it ...

Most days I wonder if this is the best use of time .. as work is taking up a lot of my time ... when it get busy .. I struggle to know what it will be like next year .. when I'm doing reviews at the same time .. how will I get by .. and where will my life go ..

I've lost the spiritual part of me ... It has disconnected somewhere .. and disapeared .. I miss this person .. the deep thinking girl wonder if I can reconnect with her .. as we have lost touch .. I ache for simple ... places ... deep rivers ...

Each day I question ... how do I get here ... where is my soul ... do I have enough love to give and share ...

Fall means change .. each time around this year .. I think about when I going to university and all changes I experienced ... this time of year .., we set goals .. and dreams ....

My dream is have more freedom ... and more choice with my time and life

It's time to build the empire of my life

August Post Break

The rain come today and my head is sore. As I'm aging .. different parts of me start hurt. I have a pain stress point on top of my head. My client told me yesterday to ignore it ... and let it pass. But I keep attacking the thoughts in my head.

This month is going to be the busiest so far ... and I can not keep it with the pace. Everything is changing ... I can not wait till September ... till when I can take a break. I can not even talk to Stacy. I'm so tired of talking ...

I need go back to practicing less attachment ... and more acknowledge .. of events but so many events are happening and I'm not actively ... enjoying them.

He Lights Up My Sky and Heart

I'm drifting and thinking of one person ... and I can not hardly wait till he returns. I'm counting down the next 48 hours. My car pulling into the airport and the landing.

I returned last Saturday from Ottawa, my plane landed at 11:03 and rain gently drizzled over the island. I felt sleepy but it felt good home to return home. The last week was overwhelming and wonderful at times. I still feel as if I am rocking in the hammock near the lake. It felt like summer and all the wonderful events that it brings. Summer ... feeling love, feeling tears .... and the breeze drifting through open car windows. All so heavenly .... and letting someone's spirt pass on. We share ghost stories ... we share memories ... and I listen ... and absorb a life of stories. The body feels so many different things when those we love pass on. All of it aches and twists it's way our mind. How can a person .. collect and sort them. A life lived .... how we shared tears and being vulnerable

In death .... our lens changes... and world we view is forever shaped. I want to live in the moment ... travel ... take off ...

We spent two days downtown Ottawa ... working our way through the market and the National Art Gallery. Never enough time to see everything. I've bought some beautiful items ...

Rob lights up my life and can't wait for him to return to keep sharing our live together ... I miss him ... so deeply .... the bed is empty .. and the house .. is craving to feel like home with both of us here.

Time to go home

The end is near .... the words of an old yoga teacher in hear...

He did it. He finally did it. My mom, my brother & I were there to cheer him on and wish him well. Bless his sweet Soul on this new wave of his journey. His final expression was almost a smirk. We are so blessed to have known such an amazing Soul

So i hope Rob can cheer his father on .... as he passes

The Bloom

Oh June ... the warm weather ... the endless blue skies. Ocean stillness ....

Its mid week ... O wednesday. Sleep and I felt unproductive .... but I welcomed the stillness ... and peace.

Last night I woke up before sunrise ... Rob waking up to fish before the sunrise, me curled up in bed.

I'm working on living in the moment ... trying to find a way .. thrive ...

Mid June

It's June on the coast. The weather is really warm and the water calm/beautiful.

Rob is leaving soon back to Ottawa, it's time to say good bye. My holidays are pending and I'm looking forward to some time off again. I'm still trying to find the balance. Why does does death bring people together or bring them apart.

Self discovery and the road I'm traveling ....

Pieces .... my mind always drifting ...

I asked myself this weekend if I should change careers .... I'm not always sure I'm doing meaningful work or if I am really helping.

How can I help others when I am so estranged from myself. I just desire to stop self doubting myself and give myself some piece of mind.

In the backround the Golden State Warriors play ... players dance across the court.

I want my work to be meaningful.

The Present: Living With Less Ego

This week I had a wonderful reminder and conversation regarding meditation and living fully in the moment. This past year I have aloud myself to become caught up in nonsense and living in scarcity and fear. I am truly feeling I might not be able to meet my goals. I go to bed each night feeling I have not done enough and their will not be enough. 

Today ... I no longer want to live in scarcity ... I want be fully present and feeling fulfilled. I need to let the voice/ego pass through me ... the future is not happening right now ... what is happening is the present. I want to be aware of my body .. the movements, the breeze coming through the doors. Everything in this moment is enough .... it's what I need. The warm sunshine and summer weather is delightful here. 

I long for less anxiety ... 

rob is returning tonight ... I have a craving for pasta ... oh tomatoes yummy ... 

I slept till 10 this morning ... and enjoyed the whole bed to myself ... I love sleeping next to Rob but sometimes ... I love sleeping alone ... spreading out and waking myself up naturally. 

This week I am looking forward to traveling to Victoria having dinner out ... and walking around the city. So much to feel blessed about :) 

Strawberries and Questions

I am about the cut the strawberries in the fridge, I walked across the hot parking lot at work today to purchase them. The may weather is wonderful and beautiful .... and love living across from the ocean is magical.

The house is still empty till next week. I'll be alone this weekend with my thoughts .... drifting.

Work is steady ... i find myself struggling not to pick fights ... i'm not sure why I need to find someone .. to fight with regardless. I want to be a better person, less bitter ... I want to feel fun across my face ... I want to share myself more openly with others. This is my work in life ... this is the tightness in my shoulders. I can be open to letting go of being perfect.

My heart is so scarred ... I want to reach out but I can not.

Sunday Sunset

I'm restless tonight .... and the house is empty Watching the sun deep below the horizon ... I feel empty on the couch. I'm not sure .. if I should want more ... or if that would be greedy.

I'm enjoying the silence ... of the cabin ... and warm feeling of summer. This week I will be here alone again. I'm still trying to create a sense of community here but I have not become close to many people. I keep pulling back into myself.

I often feel as if I am a mistake or doing everything wrong ...

I do not feel secure without Rob in town ...

The Bubble Dress

I'm wearing my blue polka dot dress today, sometimes I feel pretty wearing it. I can't find my groove again ... I need to release ... breathing deeply. I'm bubble wrapped in self hate towards myself.

My mind wants to run away .... take off ... hide ... travel ... I miss the open road. I missed my lunch I forgot on the counter. I miss Rob

My tongue is caught ... I can not communicate ... with others.

Out my door the world is so bright .. the ocean amazing, out my door everything feels exciting.

I'm seeking myself, I'm seeking ... who I am .... I want to hold myself strong.  I'm so self judgemental of me. I am creating a new dictionary to describe myself. New words .. strong words.

I seek poetry ... the words ... the countryside ... the stars! The world is alined to greet me .... be brave be strong.

The valley is warm ... the heat almost 26 degrees. AC blowing driving home.

Living in the Discovery Islands

Each day I have a view of the ocean from my bedroom window. I see the ocean peaking through in the morning light. All the rays greeting me in the morning from my bed. My body struggling to adjust, not wanting to enjoy the full moment ... holding back .. staying in the shadow of my room. I still want to hide, and let others shine in my light. I'm still discovering myself and the new women I am becoming. I still deeply want to be perfect and still beat myself up from making mistakes.

I took friday off .... to rest and heal. Take a break from the desk ... try to turn my mind off from the chatter. I needed to recover from thursday, sometimes ... when I spend time with my boss I start to second guess myself ... and my methods. I feel lost ... I've been feeling lost again since early may.

I walking a road with no directions ... and I so want directions ... organization and someone to tell me it's ok. I need to feel ok ... with myself .... I'm just fine the way I am. And I am whole and loved.

Rob and I spent an extra long weekend with each other ... we went to Denman Island and Hornby on Friday. It was wonderful to see some of the other islands on the coast. We shared a lovely lunch on Hornby. The beach on the bay was magical and sandy. I truly enjoyed how the locals have reclaimed spaces as they had built a public tennis court by the ocean.

I really loved sleeping in ... and not rushing out of bed ...eating breakfast and dinner together and small day trip.

I'm a natural planner ... and I'm slowly saving .. towards a leave .. allowing me to travel. I'm looking forward to seeing the world and taking a break from the corporation.

Feeling grateful for the day to day ... my career .. this house and the ocean and Rob.

Co Operation

We all working together ... different goals ... different places but still we seek love and acceptance. Deep down we all want to be heard.

My mind stirs ... and chatters ... oh monkey mind... how I work with you to find balance and peace. How I was to distract myself from the people pleaser inside my mind. I want to do the right thing all the time ... and be perfect. Somehow in this new position ... the perfectionist has taken over ... my body and life. Yet I feel everyday I am doing something wrong ... and need to trust myself.

I miss my partner and I am working on being their 50/50 for him. I miss him and us ... I finally took sometime and redecorated some of my belongs from my place on the mainland. I am slowly unfolding into this new life. I keep hearing his voice in my mind .... why are you rushing ... you have lotsa time.

I'm looking forward to traveling to Victoria this weekend. I miss the city and the connection I have with busy place. Ethnic restaurants ... and busy streets. Sleepy small town life ... has gotten to me and I am restless.

Lately I feel I am functioning in partial sentences and I am not completing the tasks. Lately I cant put two things ... together ... hush!

Speed Bump

Wednesday ... Hump day one more day till a long weekend. I can not wait till tomorrow is done and three days ... to do what ever I want to do ... such as sleep in. I sit in my office ... watching the sun.

April came and spring is finally here ... feels good to be on the ocean.

I'm drafting an essay .... the past ten years of career movement. I think .. I'm trying find a theme ... but I keep going back to flexiablity and self care. Not career ... I dont think I can express how I feel about creating a legacy .. legacy feels greedy to me and self fish .. who searching to leave a legacy.

I miss downtown food ... I miss cheap japanese food, $1.25 pizza slice and greasy restaurants. I miss the city today and the noise. Somehow I miss Lonsdale and Kits .... streets ... but dreading parking on busy streets.

I'm at a speed bump in my own life ... I'm bored in my head ... tomorrow yoga ...

Reflections

I am drafting an essay about my career journey, post ten years. 

Ten years here with the same company ... ten years of blogging. I can remember the first interview, two bus transfers to Bonnie Doon. Waiting in the summer heat of August. I knew the phone call would change my life .... each step of the way .. I knew .. it was life changing. 

Things I've learned give advice from your whole heart, less ego and let stress/difficult situations pass through you. You will always be taken care of ... make people feel special.

1500 words ... which words to choose. 

Today was a miracle day. The sun was shining ... the day was peaceful. Each step beautiful.  

truly enjoyed my lunch ... and discussions .. cant wait to find out what we plan. 

Feeling blessed today, loving life near the ocean. 

My thoughts are less lately ... shorter posts. It's a return to 2006

Escape Artist

I want to drift away. My mind dreams of running away and losing touch with the moment. I feel I am losing the connection ... I am trying to become more grounded more peaceful .... more loved. Learning to love myself again ...

So what is the voice in my mind ... the speaks to me .. with such negative tones and whispers. Why does it remind me all the painful experiences ... in my past .. the memories I rewrote over and over again. So cruel ....

So sitting in my seat ... I'm struggling ... to find acceptance .. and find and HEARING approval. When will I stop beating myself down.

I truly enjoyed my Sunday ... laying on my yoga mat ... find space for my heart and breath ... I felt everything coming back to me .. on my mat ... My shoulders ached as they slowly opened. They wont let anyone near me .. I think being sheltered ... is protection ... instead it's keeping me closed.

My mind races .... and wants to solve the mind ... instead of letting past!


Monday 8:32 pm I live in a magic place, how lucky I am to find my way home here *

Life Lesson #42 and Many More to Follow

The west coast rain poured ... flooding the roads. I drove extra slow this morning, feeling comfortable on my drive. 

Last meditated so deeply ... my mind felt so good, my sleep was amazing. Need to do this more often ... I am slowly taking care of myself. 

My office is next to a ATM drive through, you know you made it after achieving your university degree when your office is next to a drive through. Sigh .... insert *smile*

Tomorrow I tackle the yoga studio again .... feels good ... to come home 

Dearest Reckless

Dearest Deepest Self:

So aware of a zen like moment yesterday when a group of ten year girls made a horseshoe around me. The moment touched me, reminded me ... what it looks like to be free and not worry. What it is like to live with out any anger, guilt or trauma. What youth looks like .... I have not sent this face before . It was amazing to be reminded people feel this way.

I am finding a way to create balance in my life, my recent trip to Punta Cana has made this top of my list of projects. I came back to pile of projects at work ... and items that I needed to fix. On top of the stress ... I felt as if I had slipped into a coma last friday night. My mind was so exhausted..... attached to items I feel powerless to correct. Rob returned from the city ... and I unenthusiastic about his return. I do enjoy his company, however i felt myself feel and sink into the darkest part of my mind. Later Stacy reminded me ... I wasted my whole weekend. Reliving and thinking about things I can not control. So i found myself Monday ... looking at my calendar ... not waiting to attend the event I was invited to on Monday night. So i went ... and found my zen ....

So deepest self ... i am trying to regain ... myself ... I've slipped into a person ... I do not know. The universe is whispering in small ways for me to chance.

Where is my Heart

Where is my heart:

Can my soul feel it beat. I'm challenged everyday, different situations ... different places. Strangers! I love meeting new people in person. I love listening to their stories ... hearing what they have to say.

The house is cold again, and quiet. I have the dishwasher running, the sounds make the house feel alive. The ocean ... the view. Each day is quiet ... find peace. I'm still hiding myself and I need to believe I am doing the right things. I need to enter into a place of love ... and kindness with working with others.

I dream of being something else. I dream of being overseas. I can taste my trip ... I am so close to leaving ... one more work till I am on place... drifting far away.

The Hardest Critic

I'm my own hardest critic. I miss me ... some days. I feel confused ... the maze of paperwork. The confusion ... the fog... Why do I sound so negative. I'm not sure ... the path I'm on ... I want feedback ... grades ... numbers. I live for numbers and rankings. So I'm so hard on myself ... I need to stay in my own ... and keep my own pace. No more focusing on others.

The house is cold tonight .... still feels like winter is here. CR feels lonely without Rob, and I have another 5 days till he comes home. I've managed to keep myself busy with appointments. I need to find space and peace again. My mind wants to explore ... and be restful. I want to remember when life felt abundant. I miss the mat ... the flow .. the body untiring knots. The layers ... opening. I miss this ...

Back to self care. Back to find myself. I want my mind ... to feel free ..

i love the ocean in the morning. I wake up each day and I can not believe ... I am here ... this feels unreal. It's strange to think .. I've finally settled here after wandering for so many years. I'm home right where I am belong. I need to stick this to a post it on .. my computer at work ... I'm home!

8 days to punta cana

I have eight more days .... I go to Punta Cana. It finally hit me....i am going. I can not believe I am going to have a real vacation. I am so lucky... I dream of the beach and the sand in my toes.

Ive blessed over the last couple of weeks. Rob made valentines day so special. He chocolate cover strawberries while I was work. Yesterday he helped me washed my car. I've finally started to feel at home here and that i belong here. It 's been almost 4 months ....

Stacy came to visit at the end of January, it was amazing .... to see her and have her see my home on the coast.

Work is still part of my monkey brain. I need to stop the chatter in my brain. i need to find a way to silence ... so i co exist back into life.

I am trying to find the peace ... the peace deep in my mind and start to make time for the stuff ... I loved to do before this adventure. I finally feel ... I am starting to piece back the pieces of me. The control freak inside of me... need to feels some kind of control. But walking into the unknown ... has been a amazing journey.

I've so much lately... so much has changed...a year ago .. I didnt own a car .. and was struggling with learning the to drive ... I felt isolated in my former position. I could trust myself ... that I was loved.

8 more days till white sand beaches. I have not seen white sand beaches since the 90's in australia... I am learning to live a bolder life. I learning to dare to be braver ...

The Best of Us

The pieces are starting to come together at work. Things are starting to feel better, and I am starting to find my way. Things are starting to feel good and I am slowly finding clients. These days I am lucky.

I feel I can slowly breath again.

Stacy came to visit last weekend and it was wonderful to have her in our home and share my town with her. I didn't feel so good as I am recovering from the flu but I am slowly finding my way.

i need to remember the bliss deep down inside each day .... I am lucky .. so very lucky!

The house is starting to feel like my home ... and feels like I have lived here much longer. I have not traveled to Vancouver since November. I did make a trip to Victoria two weekends ago ... it was refreshing to visit.