I Live with Perfect Health

Over the last couple of weeks I have noticed my yoga practice improve and my body less stiff. The aches from my lower back gone and the hip pain reducing. This journey back to balance since January has one of great change as I explore so many different dynamic in my life. How so much has changed in the last year and even the last three months. I am coming to terms with grieving of the end of the relationship with Grant. I have moved into the anger place. All things lately trigger me ....but I love decided to write a love letter to myself. Expressing all the kindness I believe share and give to other people I've decided today to give kindness to myself. Instead of beating myself down. I came across the 4 questions from Byron Katie today...I am stuck on question 3 and 4. What would I be without this thought??? What could I achieve? ....

Love Letter To Myself.

I use to write these letters to men I shared my body with...today I am writing this letter to person I share my soul with. I love myself and  express kindness with each thought and each intention. I am the creator of my universe and I truly believe I am loved not just by myself but my others around me. I am kind and truly grateful for this life and all of my experiences. All are an expression of love. I choose love today, I choose to live with love in my heart. Love is my greatest desire. I use to believe I could only feel this when someone else loved me but I am learning the greatest love to love myself first. My heart yesterday in yoga was opening it's self again. I felt bliss....I felt stronger, each day, each breath bringing me back to life, bringing me back to myself. All the things I can achieve.....is possible cause today I wrote a love to myself.

XOXOXXOX!!!!!!!

Ode To Brunettes the Other Kinda Girl

I am jealous or annoyed of girls with Brown hair. the kinda of Anne Hathaway luck at life or grief or however they go about the things they do....I guess they feel important too. I am to stubborn lately or out of touch....I feel angry when I allow myself to feel my emotions. This week...another rebound I was angry at Grant...steaming mad again about my birthday and how he could not send a small little text. Even months after this event I am angry...frustrated. Annoyed. I ask myself I am still loveable??? It is just sex men only want from me. I feeling so annoyed with men lately. I am just angry and short fused. So I am back on my man break studying like a crazy lady for my CFA...shaking durning downward dog cussing out...all the yogis in my class...I cuss I say bad words and I don't always buy organic food! I dye my hair cause I love it....I give head to men who don't deserve it. I sell myself short. I feel to ashamed to stand up for myself. Ohhh this blog is nothing short of positive messages today. I call bullshit on everyone tweeting happy graditude! Fuck!

I just want to feel my grumpiness ....I just want to smoke a bowl. I want to stew on this and go back to being a bad girl...The kind that does want to fit it with the driven brunettes of the world.

The universe is sending me a series of men who have high sex drives. I think the universe wants to punish me or make my cunt sore every sunday night. I am so exhausted from men and their sexual desires and needs. I am tried feeling icky or like I have to make this objection to them for buying me dinner. I am so so exhausted. I want to me seen for me. I want to loved for the authentic me. I tried of the merry go round of friends with benefits. I think I just need a break from everyone. For tonight my heart hurts and I want to sink into the feelings because I allowed it to feel this way. I wanted to be expection with men....I wanted them to feel differently about me. I wanted them to love me... for now I will have to work on loving myself. I don't want to be another Sylvia Plath ...head in the oven...but tonight feels this way.

Finding Kindness

My heart wants me to kind, it seeks kindness for myself. Last night my mind kept me awake ... the anxious chatter ... I almost want to name the voice that does not sleep. No silence, no sleep. The voice limiting my peace. I am not sure what lesson the universe wants me to know. It felt so aggressive. Why is this energy coming to me, I feel like my energy is draining away.

I am sitting my kitchen this evening in my pajama pants and a hoodie. Monday .... feeling off. This is a short week for me. I feel lucky the office is closed on friday. I am still undecided Campbell River or Chilliwack. I have not seen my family since December. Looks like it's going to be a valley weekend. I am planning on leaving on Saturday.

Energy is all around me. I feel surrounded, it feels out of control. I feel out of control. Is it telling me I do need control and I am taken care of. I struggle with wanting to let go ... release. I keep seeking the big release. All these questions in my head. My heart filled so big, it wants to burst.

Yesterday I ran and ran. It felt like my legs could carry me forever. Feels like the runners high once your body gets use to the pace. It eases into the run and the panic stops. Each breath, is soothing. All the thoughts in my mind drifting. This is part of yesterday I carry into today. My mind wants to run. All day at my desk. I want to run run run run...away. Chasing .....

I had dinner with Phase last night. It felt comfortable and I was the most authentic I've been. I saw him for who he is. We both just humans and faulty. We had tea in my small apartment and laid on my bed. I question if he is zapping all my energy. I felt the awkwardness about answering why I ran after we had sex. I ran because I was scared. I felt unworthy and my body felt rush and naked in his bed. In the moment. I was raw and mumbling. So left and I know it has left some scars. But for last night I enjoyed the moment of being held in his arms even if it might be the last. I don't want to learn how to be present by living in fear. My experiences with him are challenging my anxious mind as it wants to feel secure. It wants security there will be another moment like this. Except I don't know.... and the unknown is feeding the anxious chatter.

So much is unknown right now, my finances, my job, my exams. So much to offer..... for release. I guess want any kind of security ... some kind deposit .... things will be ok next week. My heart is trying to find balance, trying to be flexible. Trying to be kind to myself. Trying to release the anxious attachment. Trying to be myself

What if it all Means Something

Another week in March is ending. I loved Yoga class today, it felt so good to be back on the mat. My arms burning after 20 minutes. Each downward dog I struggled. The class was small and I was reminded of Saturday afternoons at Shanti Yoga in Edmonton. It's been over a year since I did yoga 5 times a week. I feel alittle out shape. My mind feels shapeless today too.

This weekend was has been relaxing and breezy. I enjoyed laying in bed by myself this morning. My bed felt so comfortable and I was enjoying the stillness and how quiet it was.

I met Jason for drinks and dinner on Wednesday night. It was nice to met some new company and he is very different from the other men I have dated recently. Although I did have a good time, I am open to another date. I am very undecided on Mr Right ...but I have lotsa options and I am no rush. I am actually enjoying my time and it feels good. Another surprise this week Phase asked me to go hiking or kayaking with him on Sunday, so I agreed. I am unsure how I will feel tomorrow but I am opening myself to the surprise and I have to remember I was really unsure of meeting him originally and that night was alot of fun.

I just to focus on myself. The weather is beautiful in Vancouver and spring is everywhere. It feels good to be in the city and I am feeling full of life again.

Work is still the same...I am still waiting for information ... it would be nice to be in a different position by May :) ...Fingers crossed I know my career is about the take off and change.

My teeth are finally fixed. I spent two hours on Thursday in the dentist chair and it was draining. At least I could watch Oprah and listen to music. My jaw is finally feeling better and tomorrow I might be able to eat more solid foods.

Today home is in my heart, and my heart is being more open. Om .... balance centre ..

Stuck in my Head

I've been living in my head for the last 32 years. The chatter, the dialog, the noise, and day dreaming. I have been living inside and not on the out. No one knows what is going on up there and I have a difficult time concentrating on tasks lately. My mind always drifting wanting. I feel so afraid to live from the outside, so afraid to be judged. I want to be more authentic. I want to stop seeking others approval. I feel nervous when I am outside and with others. I am so afraid to be myself. I have this fake person who arrives everyday at work and goes home. Who I am.....who is chatter in my mind I so want to silence. What happens to girl who grows up and has not out grown deep thoughts. I was told this phase would end. Somehow when I look in the mirror I don't see myself anymore. I see an older me...I am not sure I like this person. I am so afraid lately of aging. I notice the changes in my skin, shape of my eyes. I know...when people look at me they see a women in her 30's. I no longer pass for a girl in her 20's. My early 20's so far away and distance.

I realized I am ten years old than some of the students in my CFA class. I had to sit back and think about this. It felt shocking. My in the way i felt surprised I was no longer a teenager. Can 30 something be cool? By 30 we all have baggage, so what is mine?

Rob is aging too, he is bald man sleeping beside me. His eyes are slowly stinking back into his head. I feel awful to say this. I do not find him attractive anymore. I close my eyes when we have sex. I feel disgusted by his body and face. Rob is like a horny dog trying to mate with me. Lately sex feels disgusting since sleeping with Phase. I feel uncomfortable with him and somehow I miss his emails and Rumi poems. I am not sure what to do with his energy. A small part of me wishes he would text or email but I know this might not happen. I have to let go of the emotion. Its the emotion that is controlling me. I am 32 and I have slept with 11 men. 4 men I enjoyed their love making ... the others...not memorable. However I miss Grant...the chubby accountant. I shake my head at spending a year with a married man. For this experience....I spend more time waiting, dressed in lingerie and crying.

Today was a regular monday at work and I lost another toe nail from running. I opened the office and sat in my chair. I watch the clouds past downtown and filed through my paperwork. The office is busy right now which is nice. It stops my mind from drifting. I am waiting and waiting. Another sandwich and coffee which has an after taste like motor oil. Another day pacing back and forward. I want to grow ...I want to run... I want to set my mind free.

Life is not unkind...life is very giving to me. All my experiences i am truly blessed. For all the gifts giving me I am lucky. I know....the journey is not always easy... :) Spring is coming...but I am enjoying the present moment :) I don't want it stop.  

Spring Cleaning

This week at Sunday, I was reminded Spring is coming and with spring comes new projects and letting go of the old. This week I have cleaned house of most the undesirable men in my life. I have let go of two. Tonight I celebrated turfing Phase by going to yoga, watching Girls and eating a donut. I so wanted to send an email explaining myself to him. Inside I am choosing self dignity instead. I think he already nows. I feel sad today. This year started of rocky with me laying on the floor at the Westin crying in Edmonton. My heart still feel weak. At 32 I feel lonely today, I want a mate. I want to share my life but I am having difficulty find one and finding a healthy man. I think of many of my relationships lasted to long due my attachment disorder. My fear of being alone so I hung on to any man if was kinda nice in the beginning. Phase was nice to me at first, but I also felt uncomfortable with him. I truly only felt comfortable with him on the third date. For rushing into sex I felt bad and I felt I owed it to him. Which made me feel icky and worst. I could not stomach sitting next to him at the movies and being sent home along, having him turn on it me..that he was the nice guy. I wanted him to know he was being lazy. So I stayed in.

Rob arrived before 11 and came with BC ferry chicken fingers. Somehow chicken fingers in bed with Rob felt warmer than sitting in the movies with Phase. I could not sleep last night. My minding stirring about the events, processing wondering if this was the right choose. Rob left at 6 am for work and I finally slept till 9. I do not want to go to work tomorrow. I want another day off. I feel drained but I was glad I was home most of the weekend. It felt good to clean and get stuff done around here. I think I needed a detox from night life.

Yoga felt good but my hip flexers ache and are very sore and tight. My mind had a hard time focusing on class and kept drifting and chattering with it's self. When I woke from corpse pose I had the words You are perfect as you are...You are the star. Hearing this gave me comfort.

I have lots to look forward to this week. I can finally hear about my job. I really feel I deserve an interview in person downtown. I need refocus on my CFA program and heal my heart. I feel I have made progress since Jan and finally had the courage to let go of Grant.

I need to worry less about men and more about men. I want to feel good most of the time. I want to feel present instead of drifting. For these are my spring cleaning goals. Pray for my dental fillings on thursday. I hope they heal .....This sunday is close but the start of something new and wonderful.

Watching Girls

I am so hooked on HBO's Girls, OMG ....reminds me of when I first moved to Vancouver. Tonight I am waiting for the 9 o'clock ferry to arrive at Horsebay. Rob is on it and is staying the night. I miss him and want to be close to his body. I feel really sexy right now in bed wearing a tank top and Victoria Secret Bra and thong. I love this set. I bought it for Grant in Vegas except I do not think he did liked it. My mind is full of so many thoughts. My apartment feels dark and happy. Someone has their music to loud and hear the base through my floor. 

I felt the most amazing yesterday on the massage table. I was so relaxed I felt like was dreaming and did not have a care in the world. Everything felt blissful, my muscles felt so relaxed. 

This evening I am missing Paris. I want coffee, fancy panties, little desserts. Walking on cobble streets. I want to smell the old world. Travel drift away from this life. 

So I turfed Phase tonight, he waiting and did not confirm plan. He suggested seeing a movie in North Vancouver. I felt annoyed and did not want to see a movie. I didn't want to go home alone and watch him drive away and go poof....I didn't want to feel uncomfortable. So I told him I felt really awkward about the movie thing and I didn't like the last minute plans. He said fair enough, he was feeling off the last couple of days. So...I deleted his message and decided to try something different. I don't want to drag this out. It doesn't feel good for me. I feel uncomfortable. I guess the dating coach does not have all the moves. 

Grant texted me on Thursday and I delated him too. I have had enough .... he crossed the line. I think I am going through a man cleanse. 

So here I am alone in my room watching Girls. And I love it. I feel I am becoming whole again.

Somebody Elses Husband

Yesterday there was heavy rain in the Vancouver. It felt like the city was bleeding and crying. It would only make me feel so dark. I received some text messages yesterday from my ex's wife. It was strange and odd...but  I expected I would have a confrontation from her. I knew she wanted to reach out to me, I felt she needed to know what happened between me and her husband. I realize now I will forever haunt her marriage and will always be the stranger in her bedroom.

She come across some of my texts on his phone. She sent a message we can't be friends I am working on my marriage. The next messages are a series of blurry images. I become frustrated and using feeling language to express myself. I felt awkward I feel used. I felt bad for her because I realized she might have not have known I was in Edmonton in January. We are both caught .... I feel free because I can move on and leave this awful place. I do not like this feeling. I do not trust him or myself with him  Oh what a terrible place to image ...to wake up... and not know your partner. I am do not know Grant...he is a mystery to me. I want to be rid of his energy and bad faith. I am not sure what the future holds for Grant and his wife. God needs a man with big balls and forgiveness to step up and own this mess.

This past week I have been wrestling so with many emotions. I think I need another man break. I am feeling very overwhelmed by men and masculine energy lately, I feel it's taking to much from me and not giving enough back. For this reason I stopped cold turkey last night. more reasons to focus on my CFA.

I did something out of character for myself last Thursday night. I slept with Phase. I stood infront of his building Thursday night knowing it was only for a sexual encoutner. Standing at the corner of Georgia and Bute I was thinking you can run away you dont have to comprise yourself. I felt like I was cheating myself and him of a discover phase of dating. Deep down inside I didn't want to go there...I only wanted to be treasured. I felt discomfort and confusion. I am on the rebound from a married man with a dating/life coach. And I am not feeling any good dating advice or comfort from either! Around 12 pm I felt restless..I needed to leave...his apartment...I didn't want to stay. I felt scared. The carnival of emotions inside of me is stirring ... After this I am left with only Rumi quoates and a couple of nice dinners. However I will always feel lucky he took me to see Michael Meade. Today I am in the ashes not sure how to get out.

Friday afternoon after feeling exhausted and enjoying a burger at work. I packed my bags and left for the island. I feel asleep on the ferry crossing to Departure Bay. Rob met picked me up on the other side. I guess I was difficult for most of the weekend. I think I am going to have to pull back...and find a place of kindness towards to him. We had a beautiful drive along the coast Sunday. All the small towns are so lovely. I feel free in Campbell River and love his log home. The house is full of light and blessings. It's healing. Sunday morning is waking up together ...wrapped in bed and seeing the ocean. For these experiences I am lucky.

I am taking some advice from Rori Raye today and looking out the window ....here are somethings I love
Yoga, running, the ocean, surfing, road trips, Lisa, Stacy and studying for my CFA, buying dishes in France, having a coffee in Buenos Aires. I am looking out the window...and seeing my present moment. The sky is clear....and the journey contunies.