Your Choice

Monday's always come around. Today was the same as previous Monday's .... I was dreaming of the Rumi quote "You were born with wing, why prefer to crawl through life". It made me think .... dreaming of all things possible. Dreaming of all wishes in my head.

I had a restful weekend, and I slept, went shopping, attended yoga class. It felt good not to have rush anywhere on friday and just to stay home. I like walking around at my own pace. I love when I can set my own pace on Sundays. Sunday yoga with Sasha was challenging and frustrating. It was the greatest hits of every yoga pose I hate and dislike. But her classes remind me why I practice and enjoy the feeling so much. So much chair poses .... watching the sweat pour off my feet. Sometimes I think I am the only women in class who has sweaty feet. I'm comfortable with it.

Salt Spring Island was a blissful and frustrating experience. Lisa and I are in agreement we wont be back to stay the night. I think the experience forced our friendship to grow in a new way. I will always love her and she is like a friend to me. I am glad we can communicate together and share our feelings. Count down to Europe, the great adventure.

This week I am reflecting on my life and choices. Lately I am faced with everyone I know and loved and slept with are having children. It's like an explosion of children everywhere. I am not sure how to feel, I feel left behind .... I know I do not want my own but why does this hurt me. Why does me make me feel unlovable. The flashes of LA fragmented in my memory .... a time and place ... with no place to go ... no agenda.  Why do I feel so unsafe in my own relationship. I know I was never meant to be the boat in habour ..... I feel impatience about my future .... I'd like the now to happen now...

I'm such on meaning ...and belonging. I woke up wondering where do I belong ... what does belonging feel like .... deep down inside ... my heart wants to trust and be brave...

I am jealous of my surf instructors ...their ability ... to adapt and grow and accept change. Two of them are five months pregnant and living in Nicaragua. They make pregnancy look so easy and breezy, like a beach party. I am so deeply jealous of their life ... I can not wait to get island.