This week I failed my drivers test, I drove like a stiff up tight lady and cried when I came home. I felt sad and silly. The walk back to my building the walk of shame. But I finally slept better. I guess failing gave me rest and peace of mind. Except the instructor's tone of voice is edged into my memory forever haunting and taunting me ... with every right hand turn.
Today riding the bus over the Lions Gate bridge ... looking over the port of Vancouver .. everything was still.
Alot has been occupying my mind ... job interviews, lack of direction and sick father in laws. Last weekend I did not want to leave the island. I wanted to stay and do anything but go back to work. I had a good easter weekend. We did not do very much ... just a quick visit to Costco. Most of the weekend ... we laid around. The plants are starting grow and the garden will soon need to be planted.
This week I am here in the city and it feels lonely. I guess I could have reached out to someone but I choose not to. So fight the monkey mind ... which so many idea pass through. My kitchen table is a pile of papers and a box of Mauna Loa macadamia nuts from Hawaii occupy the right corner.
I was thinking this week about people from my past, Maureen kept popping into my memory. I felt want to apologize to her and somehow I've missed her but I do not even know her anymore. And this was over 17 years ago. Her life interests me ... what has happened and it appears she lives more freely than me. And I still somehow I use her as standard when judging myself against her. I doubt she thinks of me .... and somehow I want to reach out ... be vulnerable. Say I am sorry ... she did impact me.
Why do I need to always connect with people from my past .... their conversations .... I guess it's me questioning if I matter to them, which is kinda a selfish thought. And maybe my ego feels bruised. My ego was talking last wednesday ... did it ever feel sad ...
Why do people how have the greatest influence do not exist in our lives anymore or appeared for very brief moments?
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