No more sad little girl posts...crying about men and lack of self-image. I am putting the sad little girl in the coffin and putting her to rest. That story is dead...and I am no longer...going to tell myself these nasty things in my head. I am going to live with out fear and put myself on centre stage. Time to star in my own show and why not I am a super star...Here is to courage and stepping up.
After a weekend of crying and watching Oprah...I found myself..chanting a new mantra...and banging a new drum...yup...I am worth it. No more letting men devalue me....and taking from me. I still have moments when the sad little girl wants attention but I shut her down with my new mantra...I have tools and it was always in side of me. I can ...do it...I will do it...be brave...So I am back to my life plan , I was off track for a little bit, although I can embrace this relationship has pushed me to look deeper at family of origin problems. In the last weeks I have watched them creep up into my relationship and make a mess. Most of the angry is directed at my mother instead, I found myself angry at my lover. At this moment I do not know where our relationship stands. I find myself leaning back trusting myself and my intuition. This space is a good thing...at least for me. Although painful and I cry, it is pushing me to progress and find forgiveness. I am ready to forgive to my mother. I am ready to let go...I am tired of carrying this angry and fear. I am ready to be fearless...and let go. I am ready to give intimacy a chance...and let someone know me. My heart feels alive and light. I am hopeful love will come into my life...and the right man will step up. I deserved to be loved. I deserved to be treated and valued.
List of Goals ...
Pass CFA
Apply for New Jobs
Create a space for love
Forgive mom and dad and elizabeth
Let go of my lover, he might not be able to step up and I am ok with that. The right man will
Monday, August 27, 2012
Saturday, August 25, 2012
I've Been Ashamed and Afraid
Here I am stopping myself my running...stoping my brain my over thinking...stoping myself from wondering what I could do differently, stopping myself from trying to salvage this rocky time in my relationship. I am putting the focus back on myself...I've been lost and I need to follow what is right for me...I need to stop being a air bag...I need to stop devaluing myself..because I do not get attention.
It's strange to be 32 and still working on my stuff. When will this journey be done. I realized yesterday I was putting to much focus on one person and not enough myself and other. Today I work up..read my not my stuff mantra. It's refreshing and helps me refocus. It's not myself and not my place. I need to pick up and do something different...Do my hair..do stuff for myself. Let the relationship sit, he will step up if he wants to be in.
The present moment feels good..and warm. My bed feels comfortable even when I wake alone and I think the for the first time in 6 months I am ok with the possible idea ...he might not be the one for me. I have to secure in my place...I have to refocus and be secure.
This morning I ran...it was hot and I was sweating through my running jacket....yesterday I told care of myself..and had my hair, I am feeling pretty good about. It looks pretty....:) and I smile. I am only in charge of myself...and my feelings. My stuff is my stuff...and that's ok..to deal with.
It's strange to be 32 and still working on my stuff. When will this journey be done. I realized yesterday I was putting to much focus on one person and not enough myself and other. Today I work up..read my not my stuff mantra. It's refreshing and helps me refocus. It's not myself and not my place. I need to pick up and do something different...Do my hair..do stuff for myself. Let the relationship sit, he will step up if he wants to be in.
The present moment feels good..and warm. My bed feels comfortable even when I wake alone and I think the for the first time in 6 months I am ok with the possible idea ...he might not be the one for me. I have to secure in my place...I have to refocus and be secure.
This morning I ran...it was hot and I was sweating through my running jacket....yesterday I told care of myself..and had my hair, I am feeling pretty good about. It looks pretty....:) and I smile. I am only in charge of myself...and my feelings. My stuff is my stuff...and that's ok..to deal with.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Working on my Stuff
It's none of my business and not my place to fix anyone else's stuff. I need to work on my own stuff.
Last night was the first night I slept, it was a deep sleep and work up relaxed and not panicked. I felt the deepest feeling of relief. I felt my body breath again. My skin is aging...I notice my face is drier. My body is changing. I used to never notice myself age....I glided into my twenties. Now into my face is changing. I try to find the same person...behind the mirror. I am trying to find myself. Each day now is different. I have to work on being in the present again. I lost track of moment and the here and now.
Mom and Dad came to visit yesterday, they bought me a table cloth. They think my kitchen table is naked. We went to Horseshoe Bay to have dinner at the Olive and Anchor. After dinner we walked along the dock and watched the ferries. I am always feel more peaceful near water. Somehow I felt more complete. I had spend the morning at the eye clinic at St Paul's after a battery of more tests, they still could not determine if my freckle near my right eye is cancerous. I have to go back again...hopefully for the last time. I am in good hands...Dr Ross..can be kinda crusty but has a kind soul. I'll make my next appointment for September.
Tomorrow I am getting my hair lighted...I am still on a quest to find a hair dress in Vancouver. This city is beautiful but lacks and skilled hair dressers. Rene remembered Lisa, she use to work at Icon in Edmonton. So I'll give Bangtown a chance...I am told you can have draft beer while you get a trim. My roots are coming in all over the place and my hair feels so oily. I feel oily and dirty too because of the seasons changing.
This morning I woke up and realized fall was around the corner. I felt strange alone..and odd..September always feels like change. I always feel progressive in September. It will make my 6 month anniversary in Vancouver. Feels strange to think 6 months ago I was in Edmonton. Edmonton feels like a million years ago. Cant say it feels familiar or like home. Feels like a memory and foreign. My lover is sick, and we have not touched based in two days. Hope he is well. Strange when someone is far away. Its strange most of my longest relationships are long distance. Who this benefiting me...or him? I have to say myself...to I feel more comfortable when someone is a arm distance away, knowing they might never get to know me. Do I mostly seek friendship versus sexual. Do do I only crave sex every couple of months...will I ever aloud myself to be comfortable in a relationship? Will someone be home when I turn the lights on???
Last night was the first night I slept, it was a deep sleep and work up relaxed and not panicked. I felt the deepest feeling of relief. I felt my body breath again. My skin is aging...I notice my face is drier. My body is changing. I used to never notice myself age....I glided into my twenties. Now into my face is changing. I try to find the same person...behind the mirror. I am trying to find myself. Each day now is different. I have to work on being in the present again. I lost track of moment and the here and now.
Mom and Dad came to visit yesterday, they bought me a table cloth. They think my kitchen table is naked. We went to Horseshoe Bay to have dinner at the Olive and Anchor. After dinner we walked along the dock and watched the ferries. I am always feel more peaceful near water. Somehow I felt more complete. I had spend the morning at the eye clinic at St Paul's after a battery of more tests, they still could not determine if my freckle near my right eye is cancerous. I have to go back again...hopefully for the last time. I am in good hands...Dr Ross..can be kinda crusty but has a kind soul. I'll make my next appointment for September.
Tomorrow I am getting my hair lighted...I am still on a quest to find a hair dress in Vancouver. This city is beautiful but lacks and skilled hair dressers. Rene remembered Lisa, she use to work at Icon in Edmonton. So I'll give Bangtown a chance...I am told you can have draft beer while you get a trim. My roots are coming in all over the place and my hair feels so oily. I feel oily and dirty too because of the seasons changing.
This morning I woke up and realized fall was around the corner. I felt strange alone..and odd..September always feels like change. I always feel progressive in September. It will make my 6 month anniversary in Vancouver. Feels strange to think 6 months ago I was in Edmonton. Edmonton feels like a million years ago. Cant say it feels familiar or like home. Feels like a memory and foreign. My lover is sick, and we have not touched based in two days. Hope he is well. Strange when someone is far away. Its strange most of my longest relationships are long distance. Who this benefiting me...or him? I have to say myself...to I feel more comfortable when someone is a arm distance away, knowing they might never get to know me. Do I mostly seek friendship versus sexual. Do do I only crave sex every couple of months...will I ever aloud myself to be comfortable in a relationship? Will someone be home when I turn the lights on???
Monday, August 20, 2012
The Longest Night
I had the longest night yesterday, I cried and sobbed...till my whole body was exhausted. It lost complete control of myself. The deepest most saddest part of my core feeling sad, ashamed and lonely. Every bit of me ached and could not fall asleep.
I sat last night by the olympic flame looking out over the harbour. I saw the Lions Gate Bridge, this time from the other side of the downtown. I thought to myself I have at least 48-72 hours to jump before someone notices. And for realizing this ...I ache..and cried. This year after the longest night I am going into the light and searching. Last night I did not jump...instead a hollywood director jumped off a bridge in Los Angeles. I felt the connection and lost, he must of felt before he jumped. Three years ago I had a client jump of the High Level Bridge. He jumped into the frozen waters of the North saskatchewan. What did he think before he jumped. Did he feel peace or fear as he leaped into the waters. Today I ponder my good fortune to survived last night...and not be over by grief. Today I am alive. All things are better in the morning. I made it to work, brushed my teeth..and made a smoothie. All things feel brighter when there is sun.
This morning I left alone at the desk, confused I finally confronted my lover about his sloppy behaviour on my birthday. I felt fear, sadness and discontentment. Mostly I was disapointment when he never called yesterday morning. I am rational and my happiness...is not someone responsibility. For now I just float though my emotions towards him. I am choosing to feel 60 seconds of happiness instead a minute of fear and anger. I am getting better with addressing my angry. I feel content ....I can express it...in small scripts which I am trying hard to write with none blaming language. Each word I try to place...each one ...with a large impact. Why I am so triggered lately by pregnant women. So much to celebrate. When you childless...you don't have duty ....you don't have a purpose. Sometimes...when you are single and female...other people careless use it as a excuse to cause harm. Sometimes..I feel the world sees me as a women...who's body is covered in scales. No assumptions made here...I would like to belong to a family. Lately notice families on the street...and want to be part of there lives. I look into windows...and wonder what it is like to come home to someone...what it is like know...someone is there...sleeping by you. Somewhere I long to belong...but so afraid to trust. So afraid to let someone in,,,,feeling like a cat who crawls back...so scared...
I have another Doctor's appointment at St Pauls wednesday morning. they don't know if my right retina has cancer...still waiting for answer...excited I get half a day off. One and half weeks till my trip to the island...it will be nice to leave this city and feel refreshed. I am excited about being close to the ocean on Vancouver Island. Maybe for reason alone...I didn't jump...I couldn't leave with out seeing that view.
I sat last night by the olympic flame looking out over the harbour. I saw the Lions Gate Bridge, this time from the other side of the downtown. I thought to myself I have at least 48-72 hours to jump before someone notices. And for realizing this ...I ache..and cried. This year after the longest night I am going into the light and searching. Last night I did not jump...instead a hollywood director jumped off a bridge in Los Angeles. I felt the connection and lost, he must of felt before he jumped. Three years ago I had a client jump of the High Level Bridge. He jumped into the frozen waters of the North saskatchewan. What did he think before he jumped. Did he feel peace or fear as he leaped into the waters. Today I ponder my good fortune to survived last night...and not be over by grief. Today I am alive. All things are better in the morning. I made it to work, brushed my teeth..and made a smoothie. All things feel brighter when there is sun.
This morning I left alone at the desk, confused I finally confronted my lover about his sloppy behaviour on my birthday. I felt fear, sadness and discontentment. Mostly I was disapointment when he never called yesterday morning. I am rational and my happiness...is not someone responsibility. For now I just float though my emotions towards him. I am choosing to feel 60 seconds of happiness instead a minute of fear and anger. I am getting better with addressing my angry. I feel content ....I can express it...in small scripts which I am trying hard to write with none blaming language. Each word I try to place...each one ...with a large impact. Why I am so triggered lately by pregnant women. So much to celebrate. When you childless...you don't have duty ....you don't have a purpose. Sometimes...when you are single and female...other people careless use it as a excuse to cause harm. Sometimes..I feel the world sees me as a women...who's body is covered in scales. No assumptions made here...I would like to belong to a family. Lately notice families on the street...and want to be part of there lives. I look into windows...and wonder what it is like to come home to someone...what it is like know...someone is there...sleeping by you. Somewhere I long to belong...but so afraid to trust. So afraid to let someone in,,,,feeling like a cat who crawls back...so scared...
I have another Doctor's appointment at St Pauls wednesday morning. they don't know if my right retina has cancer...still waiting for answer...excited I get half a day off. One and half weeks till my trip to the island...it will be nice to leave this city and feel refreshed. I am excited about being close to the ocean on Vancouver Island. Maybe for reason alone...I didn't jump...I couldn't leave with out seeing that view.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Happy Birthday
I am sitting alone at my kitchen table wondering why....it hurts so much today, why I can't see joy...I feel numb...and depressed...and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I do not except a lot from birthdays. I really at this moment in my life want a happy birthday or to be acknowledged, but today from my apartment I feel alone. More alone than I felt in years. Each year on my birthday I feel empty and lonely. I cry a little. This year is worst because I am not working today. Sundays feel hallow. No message from my loved one...I question if he forgot my birthday or has chosen to forget. For this I have no answer. I just feel deeply hurt. I feel unloved. I don't feel safe....all of the I feels...are flooding over me..the tide of grief. Another year...and what has changed. But I am still so guarded with my emotions. So tight and restricted. Unable to open myself up.
I wonder if all I am are the stories I keep telling over and over again in my head. Is my mind honest with myself...is my ego not letting me see the real me. How I can show someone myself....with out being honest. For all of this I ache. I am sooo terrified of letting go...letting someone in...being authentic. Who is I am....how would my friends describe...could they describe...me as they only know bits and pieces. This is why birthday are being lonely. To have a birthday party would require me trusting other people, letting someone in....letting someone get to know me. I know I walk around with a wall sometimes....sometimes..it is so thick....I am just so scared. I find comfort in being alone...than being with other people. I am afraid to share my space.
This summer has been good to me....it's been along time since I let someone into my space Jules and my lover. Annoyed I am about him forgetting my birthday...but how could he know. If I never told him.
This past week has been once of new concepts and ideas for me...more personal exploring. Pushing me to be uncomfortable. I don't allow myself to be uncomfortable with someone...I use to run away. All things ache...slowly pushing into the sunset.
PS I have decided next year to plan a party...even if only one friend shows....up...no more birthdays alone. no more tears .....
I wonder if all I am are the stories I keep telling over and over again in my head. Is my mind honest with myself...is my ego not letting me see the real me. How I can show someone myself....with out being honest. For all of this I ache. I am sooo terrified of letting go...letting someone in...being authentic. Who is I am....how would my friends describe...could they describe...me as they only know bits and pieces. This is why birthday are being lonely. To have a birthday party would require me trusting other people, letting someone in....letting someone get to know me. I know I walk around with a wall sometimes....sometimes..it is so thick....I am just so scared. I find comfort in being alone...than being with other people. I am afraid to share my space.
This summer has been good to me....it's been along time since I let someone into my space Jules and my lover. Annoyed I am about him forgetting my birthday...but how could he know. If I never told him.
This past week has been once of new concepts and ideas for me...more personal exploring. Pushing me to be uncomfortable. I don't allow myself to be uncomfortable with someone...I use to run away. All things ache...slowly pushing into the sunset.
PS I have decided next year to plan a party...even if only one friend shows....up...no more birthdays alone. no more tears .....
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Discontentment
Here I am sitting at my table with the most beautiful bunch of flowers on it. Jules left me a beautiful flower arrangement for my birthday. To which I am realizing how much discontentment has sucked away at me for the last 48 hours. I have been an angry, sad, bitter person......it's all disfunction to myself. I only harm myself feeling this way.
This week I am being forced to revisit concepts I left behind in my childhood. Religion vs Spirituality. Can they live together ...can one person...love someone ...knowing they will never accept or participate in their belief system. I am never going to be called to the flock. I am very content with this. I knew when I was a teenager. My beliefs were shaken ...when he confused he found God again in the form of Christianity and was seeking to practice. For the first time in our relationship I felt fearful and scared. I worried our values no longer matched. I felt disconnected and scared. I could see past ....the moment. Helpless I cried..and sobbed.
Currently we are couple...here in the present moment......I am stuck with discontentment about his new beliefs. Is this what is keeping me from growing....progressing...forward...awaking...old beliefs within myself??? Is it possible I was meant to revisit...my own morals...my own growth...here is to growing pains....it all feels uncomfortable...and foreign..unlike my old self who would run from this challenge and shut it down...I am going to approach this from a different point of view...grace...no harm..acceptance..love...compassion...fearless...
Stage one....there is are thorns...
Stage two...no one is going to remove the thorns...maybe he's right discontentment could turn into acceptance...peace..
This week I am being forced to revisit concepts I left behind in my childhood. Religion vs Spirituality. Can they live together ...can one person...love someone ...knowing they will never accept or participate in their belief system. I am never going to be called to the flock. I am very content with this. I knew when I was a teenager. My beliefs were shaken ...when he confused he found God again in the form of Christianity and was seeking to practice. For the first time in our relationship I felt fearful and scared. I worried our values no longer matched. I felt disconnected and scared. I could see past ....the moment. Helpless I cried..and sobbed.
Currently we are couple...here in the present moment......I am stuck with discontentment about his new beliefs. Is this what is keeping me from growing....progressing...forward...awaking...old beliefs within myself??? Is it possible I was meant to revisit...my own morals...my own growth...here is to growing pains....it all feels uncomfortable...and foreign..unlike my old self who would run from this challenge and shut it down...I am going to approach this from a different point of view...grace...no harm..acceptance..love...compassion...fearless...
Stage one....there is are thorns...
Stage two...no one is going to remove the thorns...maybe he's right discontentment could turn into acceptance...peace..
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Oligopoly
My relationship is one....the barriers are high and few firms are completing. Today I am unsure. all things feel complicated to me. The press in my stomach builds and turns, I ache. I realized I had gone to yoga in 2 weeks....my tummy is needing to breath. When I get stressed I feel it in my stomach ... my lower abdomen hurts. Most of this I spent at home....not studying not doing laundry. Laying in bed and grocery shopping. I spent near $50 on not a lot of food...mostly olive oil, cheese and humus.
My friday night is a quiet one. Jules out in the city. I wish I shopping downtown, instead of sitting in my kitchen with pains in the gut. Something is not right. Something is changing.
My doctor's appointment is in two weeks. Two weeks till I know
My friday night is a quiet one. Jules out in the city. I wish I shopping downtown, instead of sitting in my kitchen with pains in the gut. Something is not right. Something is changing.
My doctor's appointment is in two weeks. Two weeks till I know
Thursday, August 09, 2012
After my Laundry is Finished
After my laundry is finished I will study, go a run, make my bed and do some shopping. My mental list of tasks is growing as I look around my apartment, a pile of towels sits in the corner still not washed left over my partners' visit. Jules is still here and will leaving next Wednesday. Strangely I do enjoy her staying with me and I think I will be sad when she leaves. I bought her a journal as going away present for her to write in when she returns to Edmonton.
This afternoon feels beautiful! The sun...the weather and the north short. All things feel beautiful right now and I feel calm.
This week was a quiet week at work, just me in my small office. The office has no window and I miss looking out over the city. It has the feeling of a doctor's office cold stale..with no art work or paintings. It feels unfinished.
My birthday is coming up in 10 days. I will be 3.2! Or 95% percent confident according to the Z table! I am not sure what 32 feels like but I am enjoying life after 31!
Need to go to the laundry to put my clothes in dryer....and for first time in my life...I read the washer instructions. I am feeling a positive probability oh stats...my new love language...
This afternoon feels beautiful! The sun...the weather and the north short. All things feel beautiful right now and I feel calm.
This week was a quiet week at work, just me in my small office. The office has no window and I miss looking out over the city. It has the feeling of a doctor's office cold stale..with no art work or paintings. It feels unfinished.
My birthday is coming up in 10 days. I will be 3.2! Or 95% percent confident according to the Z table! I am not sure what 32 feels like but I am enjoying life after 31!
Need to go to the laundry to put my clothes in dryer....and for first time in my life...I read the washer instructions. I am feeling a positive probability oh stats...my new love language...
Monday, August 06, 2012
Just Girl With Some Courage
Just another BC day long weekend. I spent my day being so lazy, all my days are lazy lately. I don't know where this exhaustion is coming from. Do I need a new multi vitamin. *sigh* ....I am still sharing my small apartment with my Jules, she is here for another couple of days. She comes and goes as she pleases. I feel like am awful host...as I need to study....and less party...Last night at midnight I stood in the middle of street to hold her cab as she left for the east side of city. I feel more comfortable with myself. Although I enjoy having someone here.
I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, my first back after missing two last week. I not really looking forward to combing through the emails in my in box. Regardless I am going...each I am there a small piece of my creative soul is sucked into the assistant graveyard. After all of these years of this job...I feel it's time to move past broker assistant and into a more interesting position. Good news...I have finally received confirmation I will grad this fall from the University of Alberta. I was numb when I saw the email I really had nothing to say. I did not feel excited or proud....I reflected on the last ten years...My degree is strange mix of life experience. It represents to me surviving my 20's. My grade point average is a reflection of the turbulence I felt. All of my fears and insecurities calculated into one number that equals my effort and intelligence. I am not academic just a girl with some courage.
I am not looking forward to work tomorrow, my first back after missing two last week. I not really looking forward to combing through the emails in my in box. Regardless I am going...each I am there a small piece of my creative soul is sucked into the assistant graveyard. After all of these years of this job...I feel it's time to move past broker assistant and into a more interesting position. Good news...I have finally received confirmation I will grad this fall from the University of Alberta. I was numb when I saw the email I really had nothing to say. I did not feel excited or proud....I reflected on the last ten years...My degree is strange mix of life experience. It represents to me surviving my 20's. My grade point average is a reflection of the turbulence I felt. All of my fears and insecurities calculated into one number that equals my effort and intelligence. I am not academic just a girl with some courage.
Sunday, August 05, 2012
Love Letter
I am deeply madly in love....Sunday night warm almost 26 degrees. My apartment feels warmer and I am starting to sweat in my chair as I type this. Still in the humidity I am in love with him. Last week he visited....and sleep together for 5 nights. I love feeling his skin next to mine, his body....I love all of imperfections. Most of all...I am in love. It feels stable and not frantic, it feels amazing. The rockies is like a wall between us, but does not keep us apart. I am lucky to find love at 31. Listening to Stevie Nick sing Crash.
I have a small list of things I love about him...mostly I love awaking up and knowing we will have coffee together and fall asleep together. AT YVR, I said good bye again for another 6 weeks apart. *sigh* Time is traveling fast between us because I am studying for my CFA. I really do not have time for a relationship and the distance lets me studying and not be distracted. My fav moment of his last visit was sitting on the bench at Kits Beach together and looking at the barges. He is so sweet to me. Each visit bringing a new piece of lingerie for me to model. His hands all over my body, touching me and loving. I am at piece and melt into his arms. And I know he is at peace here in Vancouver and so far away from his drama. Edmonton equals disfunction to me....and maybe to him too...I can only hang on to the drama and believe ...and trust we will make it. It has almost 6 months ago I met him at yoga my last week in Edmonton. He touched my soul and recused me...I do not know how I would have made it without him. As the plane left Edmonton on Feb 23 ...I knew I left someone behind...His spirt so close to mine. I miss and heart my lover so deeply. I knew from the moment i saw him upside down I wanted to be his wife. For my soul to touch his ...I am forever so grateful.
It is pride weekend in Vancouver and the city is being invaded. I am so over pride...I am so over the materialism. My friend Jules is staying with me for a couple days. My apartment has never been so busy.....I am like a bed and breakfast. The company is awesome....I really do not feel so lonely in the city.
Work is same and every so close to boring me terribly. I feel asleep at the desk, as I am sleep walking through my day. Each day....I wait till I leave. Counting down...till I have a job I love as much as my lover..... all roads lead to home...and letting myself be loved and seen.
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