Gardener's Dream

This morning I was stiff ... and yawning in my sunday yoga. My body just did not want to wake up .... till my second sun salutation. The moment came back to me and flowed to my toes. I'm always able to know if I feel off balance or not. This week I was reading a refreshing yoga article about how yoga does not always make us feel good. Words felt very real to me .... because sometimes yoga does not make feel good. Sometimes I'm frustrated or angry or feel stuck. I feel unable to fully give myself to a pose. The author suggests it is because yoga makes us more in tune to our emotions and if we are feeling unbalanced or angry or stuck .... it will come out in yoga. Today I just kinda felt stuck.

I feel like I am waiting for my life to start. And I've been waiting 33 years for it to finally began. I guess I should start living it now. I need to wrap my head around the idea ... that life is happening right now and everything I am experiencing. Nothing new is going to start .... until I can feel today. I am not sure what I need to feel my life is starting ... and maybe I am afraid to finally start living my own life. It's easier to hide ... than chose to be bold.

I've always been shy ... and readying Eckhart Tolle's concept of shyness and relating to the ego touched me ... I was ruled my ego and afraid of judgement from other people .... because I might not be able to live up to the image self built in my head. And this keeping from the present.

The need to be in control of every aspect is overwhelming and exhausting for me. I control almost every part of my life ... I am concerned at getting to the front of the line rushing to be first without enjoying the moments.

What part of me fears being myself. I need to put my ego to sleep.

PS I made a lovely salad for lunch and had a pedicure .... wonderful treat for my toes. Each weekend is a blessing.

Failure to Yield

This week I failed my drivers test, I drove like a stiff up tight lady and cried when I came home. I felt sad and silly. The walk back to my building the walk of shame. But I finally slept better. I guess failing gave me rest and peace of mind. Except the instructor's tone of voice is edged into my memory forever haunting and taunting me ... with every right hand turn.

Today riding the bus over the Lions Gate bridge ... looking over the port of Vancouver .. everything was still.

Alot has been occupying my mind ... job interviews, lack of direction and sick father in laws. Last weekend I did not want to leave the island. I wanted to stay and do anything but go back to work. I had a good easter weekend. We did not do very much ... just a quick visit to Costco. Most of the weekend ...  we laid around. The plants are starting grow and the garden will soon need to be planted.

This week I am here in the city and it feels lonely. I guess I could have reached out to someone but I choose not to. So fight the monkey mind ... which so many idea pass through. My kitchen table is a pile of papers and a box of Mauna Loa macadamia nuts from Hawaii occupy the right corner.

I was thinking this week about people from my past, Maureen kept popping into my memory. I felt want to apologize to her and somehow I've missed her but I do not even know her anymore. And this was over 17 years ago. Her life interests me ... what has happened and it appears she lives more freely than me. And I still somehow I use her as standard when judging myself against her. I doubt she thinks of me .... and somehow I want to reach out ... be vulnerable. Say I am sorry ... she did impact me.

Why do I need to always connect with people from my past .... their conversations .... I guess it's me questioning if I matter to them, which is kinda a selfish thought. And maybe my ego feels bruised. My ego was talking last wednesday ... did it ever feel sad ...

Why do people how have the greatest influence do not exist in our lives anymore or appeared for very brief moments?

Beaches of Juno: For Grandpa

I was thinking of my Grandpa recently, he forever a hero and I never him this when he alive. I can not image how brave he was when he stormed the beaches of June 6, 1944. What was he thinking as he ran across the beach, I have all these questions in my mind for Grandpa, questions I will never have an answer for. It was recently I was thinking about him a couple of months and how young he was when he went to war in Europe. I wish my Grandparents were still alive today as they lived a life .... I struggle to understand. My ode to my Grandpa so brave on D Day.

This a short week, which I am enjoying. I love four day weeks, and this year I have been spoiled with lotsa of them since November. I have an additional week of holidays finally, strange to believe I worked with the same company for over nine years. Strange since I thought my first job would only be a year long through university.

I'm working becoming whole and comfortable with myself and learning to be fearless and go with the unexpected as what is often unplanned can be greatest gift. Deep inside I am counting down the days till the island. Each day is a blessing .... want to be able to share goodness with those around me. I find myself caught up in the need to engage in negative conversations even if it hurts others. I can't seem to keep myself shut at work. I stand guided but I know my voice is heard. I do not want to say things .... that are personal attacks on others. I acknowledge this not the best of me and can be hurtful. Truly deep down inside ..... I want to see the best the in people. I want to live in moment, not in the reflection.

I love my juicer, it was the best christmas gift I bought myself....oh tasty green goodness for my soul.

I want my heart to feel free and stop carrying around the guilt. I want to fly ..... still I feel I am crawling.

XOXOXOX .....

If my soul could send beautiful wishes of peace and love to those ...... close to me .....

Your Choice

Monday's always come around. Today was the same as previous Monday's .... I was dreaming of the Rumi quote "You were born with wing, why prefer to crawl through life". It made me think .... dreaming of all things possible. Dreaming of all wishes in my head.

I had a restful weekend, and I slept, went shopping, attended yoga class. It felt good not to have rush anywhere on friday and just to stay home. I like walking around at my own pace. I love when I can set my own pace on Sundays. Sunday yoga with Sasha was challenging and frustrating. It was the greatest hits of every yoga pose I hate and dislike. But her classes remind me why I practice and enjoy the feeling so much. So much chair poses .... watching the sweat pour off my feet. Sometimes I think I am the only women in class who has sweaty feet. I'm comfortable with it.

Salt Spring Island was a blissful and frustrating experience. Lisa and I are in agreement we wont be back to stay the night. I think the experience forced our friendship to grow in a new way. I will always love her and she is like a friend to me. I am glad we can communicate together and share our feelings. Count down to Europe, the great adventure.

This week I am reflecting on my life and choices. Lately I am faced with everyone I know and loved and slept with are having children. It's like an explosion of children everywhere. I am not sure how to feel, I feel left behind .... I know I do not want my own but why does this hurt me. Why does me make me feel unlovable. The flashes of LA fragmented in my memory .... a time and place ... with no place to go ... no agenda.  Why do I feel so unsafe in my own relationship. I know I was never meant to be the boat in habour ..... I feel impatience about my future .... I'd like the now to happen now...

I'm such on meaning ...and belonging. I woke up wondering where do I belong ... what does belonging feel like .... deep down inside ... my heart wants to trust and be brave...

I am jealous of my surf instructors ...their ability ... to adapt and grow and accept change. Two of them are five months pregnant and living in Nicaragua. They make pregnancy look so easy and breezy, like a beach party. I am so deeply jealous of their life ... I can not wait to get island.