Death in the Family

 Im writing blog on a train from Vienna to Budapest. I’m still processing everything, my father now living with Alzheimer’s disease feel down the stairs and needed Brian surgery to stop a brain bled, the reality is he will never be same. I’m not sure how to feel about this? I feel great relief all the verbal abuse from him is done, how I’m sad for him, im not sure this how he imagined himself dying or living with brain damage till he passes, whatever will happen he is forever changed. I was told by a friend who lost her father two years ago this day would come, I would have to deal with a death of a parent. I’m

Conflicted and happy to be removed from the situation. My father wasnt  a father, we didn’t connect or share a hobby, growing up he was an angry bully who often would breakdown with yell fits for hours. You couldn’t stop him, you just had sit and listen. I promised myself I would never live like this again or put up with someone who would yell and throw tantrums. 

So as my father lays in a coma I’m here riding the train to Budapest, moving on to the next stage. 

Fall Forward

 It's another fiscal year at work and another year in the chair. I did make it again, not sure about the future but I am feeling better about this year than last. I am not feeling so pushed or panicked. 

It's finally fall weather here, Rob is still waiting on the actor's strike to end and I am missing warm weather. I am day dreaming of warm beaches and sunny weather. 

I had a wonderful lunch with Aleisha and Ryan, I pretty lucky to get along with everyone. I was just looking at pictures from Christmas parties past in Edmonton, I forgot what I looked like in 2010 .. it just feels like yesterday. It's hard to believe that was over ten years ago .. and so much passed. Still strange to image .. I'm 43 vs .. 29 .. so much has changed. I couldn't have image this place ,,, where I am now but it's still pretty amazing. 

Georgia is turning 8 tomorrow, I can't believe she has lived here for 8 years. It's hard to image .. 

Ode to Twilight - 15 years later

 28 years me, I went to see Twilight at the movie with Stacy in Edmonton. I wasn't interested in seeing the movie but she insisted we watch it. I was sucked into the story and watched every Twilight in the big screen, all five of them. 

After visiting Edmonton in early September, Stacy insisted we watch the Summer I turned Pretty, I realized the storyline was similar, and quietly got sucked in again, bing watching two season over the weekend. 

I went back to Edmonton in search of the person I use to be, I use to be more flexible and more alive inside. I wanted to see if this trip could reboot me. What I did discover is friendship is important and I missed spending time with Stacy, it felt like no time had passed. We spent Saturday at the Farmers Market and getting pedicures at All Styles. Downtown is now a ghost town most of what I remember is gone and boarded up. Most of the stores have left the downtown core. My heart felt sad, it's an era that closed but like my time in Edmonton. We have both moved on. 

In someways Twilight makes the soul happy, it's not the storyline of Bella and Edward, it's time spent with friends. I miss that part the most. 

I'm planning to go back to Edmonton in the spring or somewhere else in Edmonton. I look forward to more connection and leaning in more on life. 

My 43 Birthday

 I'm 43 already and 23 year old me would never believe I am still writing this blog. So much has changed some for the good some for the bad. I am feeling more stable than I ever had, I'm so happy I can finally visit the world, this year I have seen Amsterdam, Barcelona, Helsinki and Tallinn. My heart belongs to Tallinn, I am so in love with Estonia Things that have not gone well is my health, I'm struggling with pain in my joints and my weight however I feel I am slowly starting to make a change. 

Birthday weekend was quiet, this was perfect, it was great to cupcakes and flowers with Rob. 

The weather is starting to change here ... and I can feel fall around the corner. I'm going to back to Edmonton for the first time in ten years for a real visit. It's going to feel so strange ... but I am so excited and grateful to reconnect with Stacy. 

Most days are finally starting to feel better and clearer. 

Linnahall

 All things magic are possible. I had a so wonderful stay in Tallin Estonia! I can’t believe I’m here. I had a rocky flight, I had food poisoning on the second leg from Munich to Helskini but I’m feeling a lot better. 

Today was a great day, walking around the crumbling Linnahall, what a mysterious place, so many stories not told. walked around the medieval town and finished the day the modern museum of art. I loved the art collection it was wonderful and different. I had to remind myself to enjoy the moment. I have 4 more days till I fly home, looking forward to going home but truly feeling at home here. 

Easter Sunday

 Easter 2023 - 

I can't believe this blog is over twenty years old. I never thought when I starting writing this blog in the library to avoid drafting a final paper in university, it would still be active and full of all my thoughts and feelings since my 20's. So much has changed .. I've transitioned from my 20's to 30' and now starting my 40's. 

My recent trip to Amsterdam and Barcelona was filled with happiness and lack of sleep. My sore foot limited my ability to get around Barcelona, I had to Uber more often than I like to when traveling. The weather was cooler than I though and I was almost pick pocketed in the metro in Barcelona. I had some amazing food and I can't wait to go back. I struggling with going to Naples for a yoga retreat and Finland. Next trip. I feeler happier .. for the first in a long time. when I reflect back I do feel I had some post stress from lock down with covid, it was depressing with lack of freedom or options. It felt hopeless ... I'm hoping not to experience something like again in my life time. It will be interesting to see what the historians write about covid. 

I'm not sure about Barcelona, it was an odd city to me .. not friendly but very beautiful. I'm sure I will go back ... I'm still on the fence about getting to Malaga. So many places my heart wants to go and feeling so little time. After covid many of clients feel their best years were stolen from them .... having lived through covid through my 40's I do not feel the same way. I just worked through the crisis. I did not have funds to travel and I focused on finally getting my student loan paid off. I finally became debt free ... and I feel wonderful. 

It's rainy this weekend on the island .. the seems to improve each afternoon to finally get Georgia out for a walk. We are going next door for easter dinner and this weekend feels lazy and restful. 

Georgia is turing 8 this year ... hard to believe my puppy is almost 8. She is starting to grey around her legs and face. She is slower how still has a zest for life. 

YYZ

 There are worst spots in the world to be … but amongst the delayed flights and snow storm, I feel peace to be here  at the air canada lounge, it is truly peaceful amongst the chaos outside. Families standing in lines trying to get home, I am lucky I am on my way. I’m flying to Amsterdam tonight and onward to Barcelona, I’m grateful for this time to myself and I am grateful to fly business class. Somehow the 25 year old couldn’t image being in this place in life.

I’m lucky I’m here with good company, a lovely Irish lady in her 60’s and a business man originally from Munich living in Spokane living the American dream ruining 1000 employee company. The people you meet in transit - truly amazing. 

This day started with many delays - snow storm in Toronto- deplaning in Vancouver rebounding two hours later … my current flight is delayed another 90 minutes- I’m happy and happier to be here right now than anywhere else. 

I need to go back to this post to remember when things get tough … I was truly happy. 

Road Show

it's freezing again, the weather has turned and winter is now here. I find myself cold. Mentally, my mind is stalled. I'm waiting for direction, I know there will not be a right time to do this. This is the biggest choice ... I have made in my career and I can only hope this will work. 

I had a wonderful massage today, I feel refreshed and almost ready to take on the week. Last week I was exhausted and tired, feeling better this week. 

I am looking forward to December, it's a slower month of year ... and I should have most of it off. 

I wish for more time for me again ... and I wish for more quiet space in my mind ,... and less space for concerns about work ... I don't want to think about this on Saturdays 

For the Last Time -

They like to think the problem is me ... but we all know it's them. I feel like I am moving forward. It's strange to think I'm half way between my working life. When you are in 20's it feels so far away ... but here in the middle it's strange. I ask myself .. should I stay or move on. I can see the finish line but it's so painful running this race. I want to feel strong again ... the only way to feel strong again to leave. I'm ready ... it's taken a couple of months to come to this place .. and I no longer feel afraid. I felt terrified in September, I was so scare to alone ... but I can't stay here. 

I'm at home this weekend with Georgia, Rob is working in city. It's cold and rainy. but I feel at home and happy. I know the problem isn't me.  

After the Storm

 

I am a writer at heart. I miss writing poems and believing I could be a poet for a career. I'm not sure what I was wishing for as a teenager or someone in my twenties. I'm not sure what I really wanted my life to be like. What storytelling ... will I remember when I am 80 .. will recall my memories. 

Work is slowly moving along, a client gave me flowers today. It was lovely considering the market crash. it was nice to know someone is kind. 

I'm in-between making a career changing choice. I'm come to the decision, I will leave my job in March. This is the first time, I have written this down. I might be doing this alone but I am no longer afraid. 

Georgia is sleeping me with me while Rob is working in the city. She is more cuddly now than ever and she is almost 7 years ago .. it's hard to believe to so much time has passed. it feels like yesterday when she arrived as a puppy. 

September 1

 Summer is almost over, fall is slowly in the air. I've experienced a rainbow of emotions, loss, grief, confusion and joy. I'm still not sure what is the next steps in my life, should I change careers or stay ... I find when I start to explore the options but I find an answer. I'm not sure if I'm meant to stay in my current role ... or if I have out grown it ..... but if I leave will I out grown another role. I'm trying to reduce the work outputs and less stress ... more work life balance. Still not sure what is the answer ... 

I've been Mom day care all week, Georgia's day care is on holidays ... most days I'm working in the office half the day and coming home and walking Georgia. We did a special Saratoga beach walk this morning, she loved it. It's still to warm for her to enjoy the park and it was 25 this afternoon. I think is the last of cooler weather. 

I can't wait for Rob to come home tomorrow evening and I am starting to miss the office. Yoga is back next week. 

In the Middle

 I'm in the middle of a making bigger chooses and decisions. I feel sad ... because I know things are going to change and this makes me sad. I feels like the end of era and a part of my life is closing and changing.

Portgual has been good for my mind ... and creating peace. 

I'm feeling a lot lost. I wonder what it would be like to have a connection with family, I real relationship with my parents. My life has been a place where I needed to be sensitive to everyone else's needs but not my own. Will my life always be empty and confused. 

My birthday is next week - 42. It's difficult to image being here, from the start of this blog ... so much has changed for me ... I age. This year I want to buy myself something special. This is the first year I really spent money on myself. I'd like to be kind to myself. 

My forties have been very different than my thirties. I finally have financial stability - no debt. Stable life - somehow something feels missing. I'm not sure ... 

New Place -

 Saved by Portugal! I finally feel human again and less angry. I finally can see options and choices. The 12 days in Portugal were wonderful and refreshing. The city of Lisbon smell amazing and is beautiful! I miss the way Europe looks and feels. I bought a scarf a the Louis Vuitton store. 

The wellness Juicing retreat was different I didn't think I could go a week without eating and only drinking juice and having a small soup for different, but I did it. I stopped drinking coffee and I haven't had a coffee in 4 weeks since returning to Canada. Flying business class made me feel special it so wonderful to have the extra space. I returned to limited mess from my book of business. I am slowly cleaning up my business and my practices. I'm less focused on signing new clients more focused on the ones I currently have. The past couple of weeks on the markets are challenging but I am feeling more happy. 

I lost 6 pounds in Portugal and I am contuning with my clean eating. Rob is trying also but he did pick me up with a pizza. I hired a personal trainer one day of week to start lifting weights and cross fit. I am enjoying fitting back into my clothes again. I'm less angry and more positive ... each day returning to myself. 

Angry All the Time

 Why do I promise everything to everyone! Feeling overwhelmed at work, needing time off. Count down 4 more working days till Lisbon and wellness. I'm not sure if I'm going to feel better after the wellness retreat but something needs to change. 

Rumi In Transition

Rumi is watching the tulips from her window; this is her last spring 

Rumi is no longer planning for the future - she is terminal, time is short 

Time to fly home, your daughter's wedding is soon, time to say good bye 

Joy

 I see the light coming soon. Almost there - going back to Europe - feeling positive the positive the passport is going to make a miracle happen next Friday. 

I'm learning to exist with small amount of joy right now - right now the pressure about work is boiling. Each day - they want us to push push harder - it's cruel and out of touch - the world is screaming burnout and tired! When do we do better for everyone - it's a real struggle right now - I just want to be free - I'm trying to buy my own freedom by saving to retire early - but why do I have to 50 something to be free why  can't I be free today. I finally owe nothing to no one ... getting closer - getting close something feeling better. 

My mind isn't sleeping well - my boss is all over my work - my mind wants to be free - I need it to free it myself - and choose this today vs waiting. Here we come ... 

Georgia loved her park walk - I begrudge taking her to the park but I do it each day when I pick up her up from day. We do the walk most days - most days my phone is unplugged and - 

It's Friday night and I'm waiting for Rob is come home - he won't be here till 11ish - my flowers are starting to bloom around the backyard and the spring season starts again. 

I wonder what it's like to know this is your last spring - my client is terminal - and this her last spring - what is going through her mind at this moment. the last time to see real tulips - what does that feel like to know the end is near - ?? 

How to Push Throw the Stress

 My mind is spinning - over and over again. I want it to stop. I want to sleep - I need rest. it hurts to think - 

I had a wonderful evening at a net working event. I use to hate these kinda events but I truly enjoyed being around other people. Covid has made me enjoy people's company - I miss having coffee sitting on people's couches. I miss connections - we have lost connections over the last couple of years. it was refreshing to hear someone speak about planning and filled me with new ideas and hope. I didn't have be so lost at work. It felt good to be appreciated ... and know I have other options than my current desk. 

Mental stress is everywhere right now - I'm not feeling in touch with the moment and I truly want to live in the moment. Where is my inner courage to be brave and why is this passport so important. It means so much freedom I haven't had for the last couple of years. Freedom I want .... 

Count Down - to the Retreat

 I'm counting down and getting ready. I felt very depressed yesterday, I was going to work from home but I decided at 6:11 am ... I was going to into the office. I didn't want to be alone all day. It did feel better to be around people but the office felt cold. I still feel unsettled and nervous. I am so unsure of everything right now ... work .. getting my passport, clients getting nervous about the markets ... its been over three months of crappy markets will most of the summer to come. I know .. but they don't like this. I keep screwing up and making little mistakes. I can't focus ... on anything. I feel like I am in brain fog. I'm surprised clients haven't left .. I'm not sure what I have to offer them ... how I do get out of this hole. When  do I get excited about work again ... ??? I'm hoping to find answers in Portugal .. not sure if I will. This week felt like a rollercoaster ... of emotions. I felt everyone of them ... all at different times, washing over me. I want vacation! 19 business days out! 

I've wrote of this before ... this is the year of health ... I want to get my health back again. I felt, I made some type of step yesterday at the DR's office ... I have list of middle aged tests to get done .. diabetes ... high blood pressure .. It's real adulting now .. welcome to being 40 something. 

The DR visit

 I finally visited the DR for a pap, it oddly felt comfortable. I was asked a question no one has ever asked me before ... did I want children, was I trying to get pregnant. I had never really thought about it before. I didn't think it was an option in my life. I always knew this was not going to happen. I just didn't think I had choice. Something to think about it. 

I'm currently in Passport Limbo, I'm still waiting for mine to be mailed. I have an appointment in Victoria for May 2 for an express application if needed. I was feeling nervous earlier this week. I'm finally comfortable I am going away in May. I'm not sure why I was so stressed .... I couldn't handle being disappointment again .. and not being able to travel. It was almost soul crushing. 

Today feels unsettling .... I failed my audit. I'm requesting an additional review. 

Please, you can't wait until life isn't hard anymore to decide to be happy, life is just to short.

I was going to delete this but I can't stop thinking about how we are half way through life, a client called to say good bye this week. He was using MAID to relieve himself of long drawn out death. All of his family had gathered around him to celebrate him and say good bye. I began to think .... why do we celebrate very few adult events after the age of 20 ... it feel limiting and sad. I don't want to celebrated on milestone birthdays and death. I want people to know we should celebrate them all the time. Over the last two years .... and coming out of covid ... people are divided into two camps, those who want to get back to life and those who want to continue with covid rules. I'm not sure who is doing a better job of feeling and living in the moment. I know it's time to get back to living and feeling life again and it's to short to wait to be happy. If someone reaches middle age and still isn't happy .. I wonder when and they will choose to enjoy the moment. Happiness isn't given ... and its not a right. It feels like 40 is finally the optimal age to feel happy at least in my life. I finally have financial stability to life and enjoy life, job stability and ability to grow my own human capital. I no longer feel the need to chase academic goals, high learns feels expensive and unproductive. I have no interest in paying top dollar for professors to take time off to research topics which are not benefiting the masses only a small amount of equally invested professors of such topics. I am interested in grow within in entrepreneurship, economics and education of women within finance. 

Six more weeks till Portugal - I am truly excited and nervous. I am rebooting my health and I am slightly scared. I need to reconnect with myself and grow.