The Present: Living With Less Ego

This week I had a wonderful reminder and conversation regarding meditation and living fully in the moment. This past year I have aloud myself to become caught up in nonsense and living in scarcity and fear. I am truly feeling I might not be able to meet my goals. I go to bed each night feeling I have not done enough and their will not be enough. 

Today ... I no longer want to live in scarcity ... I want be fully present and feeling fulfilled. I need to let the voice/ego pass through me ... the future is not happening right now ... what is happening is the present. I want to be aware of my body .. the movements, the breeze coming through the doors. Everything in this moment is enough .... it's what I need. The warm sunshine and summer weather is delightful here. 

I long for less anxiety ... 

rob is returning tonight ... I have a craving for pasta ... oh tomatoes yummy ... 

I slept till 10 this morning ... and enjoyed the whole bed to myself ... I love sleeping next to Rob but sometimes ... I love sleeping alone ... spreading out and waking myself up naturally. 

This week I am looking forward to traveling to Victoria having dinner out ... and walking around the city. So much to feel blessed about :) 

Strawberries and Questions

I am about the cut the strawberries in the fridge, I walked across the hot parking lot at work today to purchase them. The may weather is wonderful and beautiful .... and love living across from the ocean is magical.

The house is still empty till next week. I'll be alone this weekend with my thoughts .... drifting.

Work is steady ... i find myself struggling not to pick fights ... i'm not sure why I need to find someone .. to fight with regardless. I want to be a better person, less bitter ... I want to feel fun across my face ... I want to share myself more openly with others. This is my work in life ... this is the tightness in my shoulders. I can be open to letting go of being perfect.

My heart is so scarred ... I want to reach out but I can not.

Sunday Sunset

I'm restless tonight .... and the house is empty Watching the sun deep below the horizon ... I feel empty on the couch. I'm not sure .. if I should want more ... or if that would be greedy.

I'm enjoying the silence ... of the cabin ... and warm feeling of summer. This week I will be here alone again. I'm still trying to create a sense of community here but I have not become close to many people. I keep pulling back into myself.

I often feel as if I am a mistake or doing everything wrong ...

I do not feel secure without Rob in town ...

The Bubble Dress

I'm wearing my blue polka dot dress today, sometimes I feel pretty wearing it. I can't find my groove again ... I need to release ... breathing deeply. I'm bubble wrapped in self hate towards myself.

My mind wants to run away .... take off ... hide ... travel ... I miss the open road. I missed my lunch I forgot on the counter. I miss Rob

My tongue is caught ... I can not communicate ... with others.

Out my door the world is so bright .. the ocean amazing, out my door everything feels exciting.

I'm seeking myself, I'm seeking ... who I am .... I want to hold myself strong.  I'm so self judgemental of me. I am creating a new dictionary to describe myself. New words .. strong words.

I seek poetry ... the words ... the countryside ... the stars! The world is alined to greet me .... be brave be strong.

The valley is warm ... the heat almost 26 degrees. AC blowing driving home.

Living in the Discovery Islands

Each day I have a view of the ocean from my bedroom window. I see the ocean peaking through in the morning light. All the rays greeting me in the morning from my bed. My body struggling to adjust, not wanting to enjoy the full moment ... holding back .. staying in the shadow of my room. I still want to hide, and let others shine in my light. I'm still discovering myself and the new women I am becoming. I still deeply want to be perfect and still beat myself up from making mistakes.

I took friday off .... to rest and heal. Take a break from the desk ... try to turn my mind off from the chatter. I needed to recover from thursday, sometimes ... when I spend time with my boss I start to second guess myself ... and my methods. I feel lost ... I've been feeling lost again since early may.

I walking a road with no directions ... and I so want directions ... organization and someone to tell me it's ok. I need to feel ok ... with myself .... I'm just fine the way I am. And I am whole and loved.

Rob and I spent an extra long weekend with each other ... we went to Denman Island and Hornby on Friday. It was wonderful to see some of the other islands on the coast. We shared a lovely lunch on Hornby. The beach on the bay was magical and sandy. I truly enjoyed how the locals have reclaimed spaces as they had built a public tennis court by the ocean.

I really loved sleeping in ... and not rushing out of bed ...eating breakfast and dinner together and small day trip.

I'm a natural planner ... and I'm slowly saving .. towards a leave .. allowing me to travel. I'm looking forward to seeing the world and taking a break from the corporation.

Feeling grateful for the day to day ... my career .. this house and the ocean and Rob.