When it feels to great and hard to move on and go forward, I find myself sticking to my plan,
going to the island ... going to have a great job ... going to live by the ocean ... going to wake up everyday with my mate.
I cling to this .... mantra daily. Each day when I sit at my desk and the task or emails become unbearable I know ... this is going to happen.
Friday, I wanted to have a grown up tantrum. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and bang my fists into the floor and scream. I do not want to be here anymore ... I do not want to come to this place anymore, but like most grown adults I stopped myself. Sometimes I think when people feel anger .... it's healthy other times ... it's childish. I wanted to get angry and mad cause I was not getting my own way NOW! I had to release and pause .... relax. The world is not all about me. I realized in the afternoon, I did not ask my co worker Michelle about her weekend plans. It was another co worker who took the time to ask her about her life. I realized I had been selfish with my conversations and interests. It's all been about me at work/personal life. And I have been gripping and hanging onto this job application for dear life. So worried if I relax or back down ... they will hire someone else!
Sometimes I become so afraid of the dream coming true and getting want I want I start self sabotage. Currently I am living with a heighten level of anxiety. My body is slow coming apart and my stomach is mess. I keep reminding myself to pause and feel the moments. Sometimes it's the pause that feels so good .... I really needed to hear that message last week in yoga. Yoga always teaches me the greatest truths about myself. I just need to close my eyes and everything is taken care of. Why do I still choose to make things so difficult for myself and the people close to me. Why I can't embrace them for who they are ... and learn to love and accept myself. The greatest lesson in my life will be when I choose to finally love me. No reason ... to be afraid of others. They are not going to hurt you and have my/their own best interest at heart.
Deep in my heart, it want to heals .... it wants to peel away the pain, but I'm waiting ... I'm waiting to let myself feel free inside. Somehow I feel the moving will allow this .... but I am forgetting ... I am free now! It's time to start feeling free in my heart and share the love in my heart with other. Time to stop saying No and try to embrace the surprise and say YES. I just might enjoy it before I judge it.
WAKE UP sleeply head your living now .... lets choose better emotions/enlightment and a better brighter path.
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