Turning 34

Almost every year, I write a post around my birthday about aging. Each year I share a new theme which has become a part of life.

This year I have noticed the greatest change mostly physical, for the first time I feel I look like a women in her thirties. Before I could pass for late twenties but this year .... not anymore. From the massage therapist to the eye doctor asked if I was in my mid 30's. I look in the mirror and see someone a little older. Today I do not feel secure with myself, I feel nervous .. anxious. I feel stuck in gridlock, waiting for a small sign ... I can forward, currently I feel like I can even turn off this interstate. sleeping through my day ... I've checked out.

I am not what it feels like to be a women in her 30's without a husband and children. Somedays I feel like a child myself. I notice most of my former male partners are now married with children on the way. Lately I realize I've become Ryan ... I dated him very briefly before I moved to coast. I now understand him and why he was bitter ... the last morning I saw him. Ryan had dated a separated women who left him after her divorced was complete. He suffered a back injury soon after, he was stuck in a career which was not transitioning into much. Back than I could not understand how he become so dissolution with life. I was disappointed ... with him .. I thought we could have been a good match, as I future faked our relationship. In my mind I already planned it a small wedding, trips to india .... after I stopped seeing Ryan I was frustrated with him. Past events of my life .... in the last 18 months ... I find myself in  similar situation as Ryan. I have so empathy ... as we are sharing the same path. Maybe we were to much alike. This past 18 months ... I have struggled with weight gain/health problems, low iron and slow job progression.

A friend suggested on facebook ... I take up the graditude challenge. Instead I've chosen to air my frustrations. I was thinking I should change the name of the post ... turning 34 should be something to be proud of .... something to feel good about ... when I start to feel like I know myself ... I feel lost and confused.