When it feels to great and hard to move on and go forward, I find myself sticking to my plan,
going to the island ... going to have a great job ... going to live by the ocean ... going to wake up everyday with my mate.
I cling to this .... mantra daily. Each day when I sit at my desk and the task or emails become unbearable I know ... this is going to happen.
Friday, I wanted to have a grown up tantrum. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and bang my fists into the floor and scream. I do not want to be here anymore ... I do not want to come to this place anymore, but like most grown adults I stopped myself. Sometimes I think when people feel anger .... it's healthy other times ... it's childish. I wanted to get angry and mad cause I was not getting my own way NOW! I had to release and pause .... relax. The world is not all about me. I realized in the afternoon, I did not ask my co worker Michelle about her weekend plans. It was another co worker who took the time to ask her about her life. I realized I had been selfish with my conversations and interests. It's all been about me at work/personal life. And I have been gripping and hanging onto this job application for dear life. So worried if I relax or back down ... they will hire someone else!
Sometimes I become so afraid of the dream coming true and getting want I want I start self sabotage. Currently I am living with a heighten level of anxiety. My body is slow coming apart and my stomach is mess. I keep reminding myself to pause and feel the moments. Sometimes it's the pause that feels so good .... I really needed to hear that message last week in yoga. Yoga always teaches me the greatest truths about myself. I just need to close my eyes and everything is taken care of. Why do I still choose to make things so difficult for myself and the people close to me. Why I can't embrace them for who they are ... and learn to love and accept myself. The greatest lesson in my life will be when I choose to finally love me. No reason ... to be afraid of others. They are not going to hurt you and have my/their own best interest at heart.
Deep in my heart, it want to heals .... it wants to peel away the pain, but I'm waiting ... I'm waiting to let myself feel free inside. Somehow I feel the moving will allow this .... but I am forgetting ... I am free now! It's time to start feeling free in my heart and share the love in my heart with other. Time to stop saying No and try to embrace the surprise and say YES. I just might enjoy it before I judge it.
WAKE UP sleeply head your living now .... lets choose better emotions/enlightment and a better brighter path.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Tuesday, September 09, 2014
Turning 34
Almost every year, I write a post around my birthday about aging. Each year I share a new theme which has become a part of life.
This year I have noticed the greatest change mostly physical, for the first time I feel I look like a women in her thirties. Before I could pass for late twenties but this year .... not anymore. From the massage therapist to the eye doctor asked if I was in my mid 30's. I look in the mirror and see someone a little older. Today I do not feel secure with myself, I feel nervous .. anxious. I feel stuck in gridlock, waiting for a small sign ... I can forward, currently I feel like I can even turn off this interstate. sleeping through my day ... I've checked out.
I am not what it feels like to be a women in her 30's without a husband and children. Somedays I feel like a child myself. I notice most of my former male partners are now married with children on the way. Lately I realize I've become Ryan ... I dated him very briefly before I moved to coast. I now understand him and why he was bitter ... the last morning I saw him. Ryan had dated a separated women who left him after her divorced was complete. He suffered a back injury soon after, he was stuck in a career which was not transitioning into much. Back than I could not understand how he become so dissolution with life. I was disappointed ... with him .. I thought we could have been a good match, as I future faked our relationship. In my mind I already planned it a small wedding, trips to india .... after I stopped seeing Ryan I was frustrated with him. Past events of my life .... in the last 18 months ... I find myself in similar situation as Ryan. I have so empathy ... as we are sharing the same path. Maybe we were to much alike. This past 18 months ... I have struggled with weight gain/health problems, low iron and slow job progression.
A friend suggested on facebook ... I take up the graditude challenge. Instead I've chosen to air my frustrations. I was thinking I should change the name of the post ... turning 34 should be something to be proud of .... something to feel good about ... when I start to feel like I know myself ... I feel lost and confused.
This year I have noticed the greatest change mostly physical, for the first time I feel I look like a women in her thirties. Before I could pass for late twenties but this year .... not anymore. From the massage therapist to the eye doctor asked if I was in my mid 30's. I look in the mirror and see someone a little older. Today I do not feel secure with myself, I feel nervous .. anxious. I feel stuck in gridlock, waiting for a small sign ... I can forward, currently I feel like I can even turn off this interstate. sleeping through my day ... I've checked out.
I am not what it feels like to be a women in her 30's without a husband and children. Somedays I feel like a child myself. I notice most of my former male partners are now married with children on the way. Lately I realize I've become Ryan ... I dated him very briefly before I moved to coast. I now understand him and why he was bitter ... the last morning I saw him. Ryan had dated a separated women who left him after her divorced was complete. He suffered a back injury soon after, he was stuck in a career which was not transitioning into much. Back than I could not understand how he become so dissolution with life. I was disappointed ... with him .. I thought we could have been a good match, as I future faked our relationship. In my mind I already planned it a small wedding, trips to india .... after I stopped seeing Ryan I was frustrated with him. Past events of my life .... in the last 18 months ... I find myself in similar situation as Ryan. I have so empathy ... as we are sharing the same path. Maybe we were to much alike. This past 18 months ... I have struggled with weight gain/health problems, low iron and slow job progression.
A friend suggested on facebook ... I take up the graditude challenge. Instead I've chosen to air my frustrations. I was thinking I should change the name of the post ... turning 34 should be something to be proud of .... something to feel good about ... when I start to feel like I know myself ... I feel lost and confused.
Sunday, September 07, 2014
Pause
The moment was perfect sunday night yoga felt like such a gift to my body and mind. I loved the way each moment flowed and the ending sitting in stillness just breathing. My body has needed to breath for weeks now. All the stale air stuffed up inside of my stomach wanting to be squeezed out.
Lately I have been reflecting on how pieces of my life are coming together. In the next couple of months I will finally feel financially secure, drive my own car, work in the type of career finally not working as an associate to someone. I am feeling like I can breath again. The foundation was always here and plan set in motion many years ago. I found an goal chart. I wanted to be where I am going almost 5 years ago. Maybe 34 will be the best year ever, I feel like I am coming out of a coma ... I spent almost 24 months floating in it. Either I was sick/exhausted or trying to escape creating a plan out. I am finally feeling free again. Ready to be on my alone.
I am excited soon we will be living together. Sharing a roof and most meals, it feels good to finally come home to love every night.
I need to remind myself to breath and pause .... hold my head up ... soak up these final moments. Enjoy the pause in between moments. We all guided by forces stronger than we know.... and loved by something so much greater than I can explain or understand.
Love for generations.
Lately I have been reflecting on how pieces of my life are coming together. In the next couple of months I will finally feel financially secure, drive my own car, work in the type of career finally not working as an associate to someone. I am feeling like I can breath again. The foundation was always here and plan set in motion many years ago. I found an goal chart. I wanted to be where I am going almost 5 years ago. Maybe 34 will be the best year ever, I feel like I am coming out of a coma ... I spent almost 24 months floating in it. Either I was sick/exhausted or trying to escape creating a plan out. I am finally feeling free again. Ready to be on my alone.
I am excited soon we will be living together. Sharing a roof and most meals, it feels good to finally come home to love every night.
I need to remind myself to breath and pause .... hold my head up ... soak up these final moments. Enjoy the pause in between moments. We all guided by forces stronger than we know.... and loved by something so much greater than I can explain or understand.
Love for generations.
Friday, September 05, 2014
Breaking Through
It is happening ... slowly .. I can feel a change around the corner. The pieces are coming together and I am coming together. I can't describe the feeling inside but excitement is slowing building inside. I remind myself what I wrote at the end of 2013 this year would be funded by courage. And what courage it has taken me to step out and what to go it alone.
Most the summer I have felt stuck ... waiting for my time. Waiting for an answer .... it's time for me and I have worked so hard for this .... one more meeting.
I am in the city this weekend with Rob. He is working nights on a film. I see in briefly in the morning and after work. I am enjoying the short moments with him and sharing my space. Do domestic things such making tea and toast. Folding his clothes, we all changing. After 15 years one thing remains the same ... I still get a sound sleep next him.
We had a short long weekend and spent some time with Jimmy and drove along the coast stopping at Fanny Bay and Comox. I can not wait till these places become part of my regular day and view. I drove most of the island highway myself. I am looking forward to finally owning my first car, such a late bloomer ... for a lady in her mid thirties.
Miracles are working, I kept believing. I do not have to be perfect to achieve the dream.
Most the summer I have felt stuck ... waiting for my time. Waiting for an answer .... it's time for me and I have worked so hard for this .... one more meeting.
I am in the city this weekend with Rob. He is working nights on a film. I see in briefly in the morning and after work. I am enjoying the short moments with him and sharing my space. Do domestic things such making tea and toast. Folding his clothes, we all changing. After 15 years one thing remains the same ... I still get a sound sleep next him.
We had a short long weekend and spent some time with Jimmy and drove along the coast stopping at Fanny Bay and Comox. I can not wait till these places become part of my regular day and view. I drove most of the island highway myself. I am looking forward to finally owning my first car, such a late bloomer ... for a lady in her mid thirties.
Miracles are working, I kept believing. I do not have to be perfect to achieve the dream.
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