12 Year Flor de Cana on my Floor

I have a bottle of 12 year Flor de Cana on my floor. I don't drink rum and I bought it for Rob, kinda last minute choose at Duty Free with my last $30 USD.

This week I have been feeling pretty good and confident. I feel a change is coming and the right choice is right around the corner. I know good stuff is coming in 2014. Im feeling lucky, Im feeling more confident since coming back from my trip. My heart sores with options. What to do for 2014...move to the island? or stay on the mainland?

My cold is finally over and I am feeling back to normal. I am still taking my iron sublimates. I dislike taking them ... I always feel bloated and chubby. I fart so much...but I read my body will adjust to them, I just want to feel better.

I am interested in Juicing for another way to get more healthy. Slowly I feel better, but my head still tired. I know my mind now is has malnutrition.

Most of time I feel alot of joy in soul and I am feeling alot more peace and rest in my life. I feel more relaxed ..... less comparing myself to others. More forgiveness and letting go...of the old stories from my past. It's.. I am slowly learning to trust.

Tomorrow I am taking the ferry to Vancouver Island .... Campbell Island... here I come!

Bedtime

Sitting in bed with the sniffles. My sinus are stuffed up and the kleenex pile is growing. Friday was slow today at work. Sitting in my desk...feeling calm. I realized I am so up tight ... my mind never relaxes ...its all over my face.

I've been thinking about my week away .... the week was stressful, horrible and awesome. Sometimes I was exhausted because I could not sleep at night other times... I felt joy. I felt the most joy on the drive to Leon. I enjoyed passing through the country and seeing the sights.

I felt overwhelmed in my head and mind became so exhausted I woke up with vertigo. My mind is a mess. I realized my diet is not healthy after my blood work I learned I didn't have enough iron. Since coming back I am trying increase my iron intake. The vertigo moment focused me to reflect on the stresses in my life. Why had I traveled so far to be sick .... I just need to relax more.

I miss the ocean. The sound of waves ...

Waves of El Manzano Uno! Good Folks in Manzano 1#

I arrived back in Canada after spending my vacation in Chinadega department. It feels good to back in my bed. I could not believe how soft it was last Saturday night. For this trip feel blessed.

I do not know what I was excepting when I signed up for a surf retreat in Nicaguara. I expected waves and sun maybe meeting a couple of new people. But I learned so much about myself and my body. I feel humbled and my heart wants to give back. This week at work...nothing seems to matter as much, its not in the bigger picture of world. For so long I thought my life was defined by faxes, emails and making clients money. There is something more for me out here...I want to give.

My heart is full of joy and peace. I feel comfortable with myself with a glide back into life in Canada. For a week I had no wifi ... no first world issues. Each day I faced a new fear, somedays I was afraid to get out of bed. I was afraid because I did not have control. No control over my daily activities ....I realized I am a control freak. Seeking to much approval from others.

The second day of the surf retreat I was sick with motion sickness/vertigo. I lay in bed helpless but I trusted people would help. So many strangers reached out to help....give me medicine and listen. It's amazing how much we give. What the human spirit can provide to each other.

The waves were so powerful but it was refreshing to be in the ocean.

I can't describe what happened to me last week but change took place. I have been trapped so long in a office sitting ... in fear watching for emails ... not living...not feeling good...

I promise myself I will be kinder to my body, eat better, I promise I will be kinder to strangers. Show love each day. Find compassion ..... find adventure .... be ready to scared. but I am always loved.

PS other trip highlights....volcano boarding...running through the airport in st pauls. Joe the Fed Ex pilot who knew the plane would land so I would not miss my flight to YVR. The man with sign in the Manguara airport for Cherry from Canada! Luis the taxi driver. The man who sat with me from Salt Lake to Atlanta ....who never flies the red eye..only for a very special friend...thanks for the stories.
The boys going south ....from Calgary... maybe we might surf together in the future.


Simple Wave

I feel the waves
White water rushes over my head..
Warm water soaking my body
My head spins

Boys going south, Girl going North
Parting from Manguara
Waking up November 11 with vertigo

The beauty of help from strangers
The release of knowing we all loved

Find compassion Rumi
Find love
Meet me with adventure, I'm ready to let go

Peach tree !

I'm waiting in Atlanta ... 30 more minutes till I go. The people of Atlanta have been friendly and kind. Kind thoughts to the man who checked my bags at 8 am .., this allowed me to take a much needed nap. I want two things clean underwear and to brush my teeth. My mouth feels gross ... Soon I will get to sleep on the plane :)

I am the proud owner of a CNN t shirt ! Kinda silly ! So I'm saying good bye for a bit with my fuzzy thoughts

Idaho Falls

All the memories came back to me ... The drive at through Salt Lake City ... The last night stopping in Idaho falls ... Getting tipsy ... Being called a cougar. The great drive back from LA ... Still hard to believe we drove from LA to Idaho Falls in one day. The big city so far away ...

I woke this morning listening to the rain ... The sound pounding through my roof. It was a stormy day in Vancouver. I left this afternoon for Salt Lake City ... In a couple of hours I will be in the air again flying to Atlanta. The memories flooded my mind as we flew over the city ... I remember driving on the highway and how it curved around the lake. I love feeling free ..

I feel tired but excited :) I can't wait to get going ... I'm sitting at brew pub in Salt Lake City with a steak salad ... Thinking about memories and wishing I had not checked my iPod :( we will be reunited soon.

My bags are heavy ... Should have packed the blow dryer ? Do I have enough snacks ... I still don't have bug spray ...

Ferry to my Vacation

Riding the 7 o'clock ferry to Departure Bay Vancouver Island. I'm going to visit Rob for a couple if days. I'm feeling exhausted after the staff event today. After two drinks I'm feeling bagged. I'm wishing I was at home in bed. I'm feeling excited to spend a couple of days with Rob.

I'm struggling with myself lately?? I'm questioning if I'm truly selfish. ??  How much of myself I'm I willing to share ?? Do I just live for myself. ?? Treat my partners equally ?? What kinda partner I'm I ?

These questions till my mind as the ferry crawls across the Georgia Straight. How much of myself do I need to share ??  And is this selfishness keeping me from not being married or being stable relationship. I keep thinking about rob and our last fight .... How he doesn't feel there is a place for me in my life. Could my life be only organized for myself.

Today was my last day at work for two weeks:) I'm so excited  and I can't believe soon ill be leave on plane to Managua. My heart is excited about my adventure but I'm taking this adventure solo? Does this me selfish ?

This year three of my ex's got engaged its strange to think of them getting married and I'm here ..., not ... I'm not even close to getting married or giving my heart to someone. I'm
Feel like I'm getting closer to find love. I was thinking yesterday about grade 5 ... The day when my self esteem changed forever. I still see myself sitting by her teacher at the side of classroom. The day she let my fellow students insult me ... They tossed everything at me ... Names telling me why they didnt like me. It was the most painful moment of my childhood. I never felt so alone in my life. I still feel the tears coming from eyes 25 years later. After the spring of grade 5 ...  My self esteem sank so low. I never talked about this moment till I was 30 in therapy. My therapist listened ... She said that must of been an awful experience. I feel released .... It was ok to be hurt and embarrassed. Often I feel like the same grade 5 girl sitting in the front of class with her classmates insulting her. I want to tell myself ... It's ok ... Tell the girl she will be ok. I want to tell my grade five teacher ... This was the most horrible experience of my life. I sank inside of myself hide myself ... Stop trusting ... Because I trusted my grade five teacher everything was going to be ok and she would have my back but she didnt. She let me fall ... I want to trust ... I want to believe others wont let me fall. I want to trust rob ...

I'm toren apart inside ...no one knows me. No one can see me and this is my choice. I want to be seen. I want to be heard ... I want to feel love although I'm Not sure what that feels like. It scares me how I've normalized a life alone and I've created this life.

I will be in Central America soon ...