Being here in my tiny apartment, I feel shame...deep down inside. I want to not feel this way... I feel triggered by an angry stranger's words Why do words from a stranger cut so deep and why do I take them so personally. I silently remind myself nothing others do is because of you. I guess this morning I meant to practice this agreement with myself. How will someone else's negative words affect me .... will I let someone else shame. And why did this trigger with me....why I am suffering for words that have nothing to do with me.
I love yoga and the most wonderful sound was coming from the studio. When I walked in ... the XX was playing...it melted my heart. The memories of seeing them live in June came back to me and I felt so much peace in my core.
Changes are coming...and I kept counting down. I can't believe I am leaving so soon...I keep checking flights to Central America. So many choices ....
I addicted to chicken at Nando's ... I eat it almost every week. Today was a good day... and it was pay day which my bank account badly needed funds. I sent my taxes to get reviewed so I should be receiving some additional funds soon.
Over all a couple positive things happened today, I loved yoga and hearing the XX again. I bought the Coexist album on Itunes, had chicken and veggies tasty, payday, packed my bags for the island. I have enough cash for coffee tomorrow morning on the way to work. Today simple things bring bliss.
PS I am wearing my glasses while writing this. I feel very blessed to have this blog as a record as my time on this earth since 2005. I can only hope it will help my family understand I was happy and loved. And I enjoyed life...if they ever questioned this.
I think the revolution will happen south of Vancouver...the revolution starts Nov 4 ...
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Writing a New Song: My Heart Glows
Tuesday: Slow morning walking in the dark, the days become shorter. I feel alone in the morning when I walk to work at 6:30 am. The street feels colder I miss the light in the morning. I miss the company. Most days I am alone...till almost 8 am ... for the first 90 minutes sitting watching my screen. I like solitude in the mornings lately.
I wanted to go to UBC to the Museum but my funds are alittle short till tomorrow and payday. Instead I watch episodes of Nashville and snacking on chips and salsa. I am halfway through the first season funny how times flies. I didn't like I planned just laundry.
I am looking forward to going to the island this weekend. I can not wait till friday afternoon till I leave on the ferry. Feels like going home. This will be my first weekend back since labour day and first weekend of fall. Rob has the fireplace going and is cleaning out the sauna for us.
I made peace with stacy today. I offered her hope to go forward but I still not spoken on the phone. I am taking a break from her right now and getting some space. I am not wanting to end the friendship just some space to reflect and calm down.
Today is one of those quiet days during the week for me ... no running.. no yoga..no going anywhere but maybe I should have left my apartment. I am not sure what is planned for me...but I have keep focused on my goals of change. The change will happen.
I am currently six weeks away from going to Managua. I am feeling freedom as my vacation approaches. Somewhere under the same sky we all can see the same stars, this thought is uniting.
As for reflecting ... at more at peace this time of year than I was last year. Last year I struggling to define myself .... within a crappy vampire relationship ... maybe that is why I am so frustrated and angry at Stacy... I know where her current relationship will lead her...and I can see the signs...spending a whole alot of talking and waiting for something .... he never promised would happen.
I'd like to end this entry with a small space for my soul to recharge and refocus...the universe does not give you more than you can handle...and will always provide. I feel a small hug from the heavens each night I crawl into bed..for I close my eyes to sleep.
XOXXO Lovebug...
I wanted to go to UBC to the Museum but my funds are alittle short till tomorrow and payday. Instead I watch episodes of Nashville and snacking on chips and salsa. I am halfway through the first season funny how times flies. I didn't like I planned just laundry.
I am looking forward to going to the island this weekend. I can not wait till friday afternoon till I leave on the ferry. Feels like going home. This will be my first weekend back since labour day and first weekend of fall. Rob has the fireplace going and is cleaning out the sauna for us.
I made peace with stacy today. I offered her hope to go forward but I still not spoken on the phone. I am taking a break from her right now and getting some space. I am not wanting to end the friendship just some space to reflect and calm down.
Today is one of those quiet days during the week for me ... no running.. no yoga..no going anywhere but maybe I should have left my apartment. I am not sure what is planned for me...but I have keep focused on my goals of change. The change will happen.
I am currently six weeks away from going to Managua. I am feeling freedom as my vacation approaches. Somewhere under the same sky we all can see the same stars, this thought is uniting.
As for reflecting ... at more at peace this time of year than I was last year. Last year I struggling to define myself .... within a crappy vampire relationship ... maybe that is why I am so frustrated and angry at Stacy... I know where her current relationship will lead her...and I can see the signs...spending a whole alot of talking and waiting for something .... he never promised would happen.
I'd like to end this entry with a small space for my soul to recharge and refocus...the universe does not give you more than you can handle...and will always provide. I feel a small hug from the heavens each night I crawl into bed..for I close my eyes to sleep.
XOXXO Lovebug...
Monday, September 23, 2013
Waves
I was struggling in the water swimming during the final minutes of meditation. I was swimming the water was so dark around me...and I stopped struggling...first I thought I was drowning...sinking but I came up. A part of me died tonight and let go. Waves tumbled over me...washing me clean of emotion...I am no longer connected...I am no longer emotionally invested. I feel free....but present...
I asked again to open my heart...open it deep down inside...so I could feel all the emotions...tumble over my back......
After struggling with my friendship with Stacy over the past week, I breathed and let go of control. I can't control the situation and the struggle for me is over. I feel peace and have limited emotions, the past is gone...and feel very present. I will not judge her and or her decisions. I will ask for help when needed.
After class the street lights had a glow...the kind the people see in movies...when the scene is about get happy and joyish. I feel peace in soul ...and glows tonight.
It's a fall monday little rain drops and cold chills... this time of year reminds why I moved...away from the north. Although the coldness is slightly depressing nothing is as depressing as the great canadian winter and I am lucky/blessed....my time in the north is over and completed. Some places our souls do not want to visit again.
My mind feels simple...small thoughts...little waves create small changes. ..
I asked again to open my heart...open it deep down inside...so I could feel all the emotions...tumble over my back......
After struggling with my friendship with Stacy over the past week, I breathed and let go of control. I can't control the situation and the struggle for me is over. I feel peace and have limited emotions, the past is gone...and feel very present. I will not judge her and or her decisions. I will ask for help when needed.
After class the street lights had a glow...the kind the people see in movies...when the scene is about get happy and joyish. I feel peace in soul ...and glows tonight.
It's a fall monday little rain drops and cold chills... this time of year reminds why I moved...away from the north. Although the coldness is slightly depressing nothing is as depressing as the great canadian winter and I am lucky/blessed....my time in the north is over and completed. Some places our souls do not want to visit again.
My mind feels simple...small thoughts...little waves create small changes. ..
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Kurt's Bench and other Adventures in Seattle
I love Seattle. The Emerald City sparkled two weekends ago. Lisa and I went on our annual trip together to Washington State for some shopping, good eats and excellent company. The trip was refreshing weekend away from our daily lives in BC.
Thrusday night we traveled to Everett to shop the next day. I realized I away from home when I saw the sign Vancouver BC 112 miles. The open road so inviting. We made a detour to Silverdale using a groupon for hotel. The people of Silverdale are so friendly warm. I noticed the whole trip was about kindness and friendly people. I felt a openness and my heart melt.
Our last night in seattle we ate at Toules Petit and went to Ozzies a local dive bar to sign and drink blueberry vodka drinks. The evening was magical and perfect, the meal was amazing the bar extra fun and the after bar nachos .... entertaining. Each step people were drawn to us .... and wanted to know how we went and how we have remained friends for so long.
Saturday morning we sat on Kurt Cobain's bench near his home in seattle. It was a full circle moment from high school because we had loved Nirvana and Hole much growing up. Strange to think that as adults we had come to this place. So much had happen in the last 20 years.
I spend Labour day weekend with Rob on the island. We paddled around Cortes Island, it is a two ferry trip from Campbell River. I loved the ferry trip from Quadra to Cortes and paddling around this remote place. Sometimes I think I want to leave here but after reading Grant Lawernces book ... I fear the isolation might be so much for me. Something about that area feels very peaceful and far away from Vancouver and big city life. I do not feel the rush to keep up with the latest or drive the newest car. I feel whole there. I wonder if I should move to the island.... not sure yet....
I felt exhausted today at yoga...I kept repeating to myself....open my heart ...open my heart...this is work I am trying to achieve.
Currently I feel peaceful...and I can hear the rain..outside..the seasons are starting to change and fall is coming to the lower mainland again. Fall is darker time of year for me....it's way I choose to take time in November most years. I count down the weeks 6 more till...I leave for central america. I heart this...
I am still not in contact with my parents ... we have not spoke since April. I have peace with this but I feel like an orphan sometimes. I went to the canucks game with Brad last wednesday he said ...at times he has not spoken to his parents...but I ask him how and for advice for what created the change. ...he said it was before his birthday ....
I am focused on living from my heart and opening ...it
Thrusday night we traveled to Everett to shop the next day. I realized I away from home when I saw the sign Vancouver BC 112 miles. The open road so inviting. We made a detour to Silverdale using a groupon for hotel. The people of Silverdale are so friendly warm. I noticed the whole trip was about kindness and friendly people. I felt a openness and my heart melt.
Our last night in seattle we ate at Toules Petit and went to Ozzies a local dive bar to sign and drink blueberry vodka drinks. The evening was magical and perfect, the meal was amazing the bar extra fun and the after bar nachos .... entertaining. Each step people were drawn to us .... and wanted to know how we went and how we have remained friends for so long.
Saturday morning we sat on Kurt Cobain's bench near his home in seattle. It was a full circle moment from high school because we had loved Nirvana and Hole much growing up. Strange to think that as adults we had come to this place. So much had happen in the last 20 years.
I spend Labour day weekend with Rob on the island. We paddled around Cortes Island, it is a two ferry trip from Campbell River. I loved the ferry trip from Quadra to Cortes and paddling around this remote place. Sometimes I think I want to leave here but after reading Grant Lawernces book ... I fear the isolation might be so much for me. Something about that area feels very peaceful and far away from Vancouver and big city life. I do not feel the rush to keep up with the latest or drive the newest car. I feel whole there. I wonder if I should move to the island.... not sure yet....
I felt exhausted today at yoga...I kept repeating to myself....open my heart ...open my heart...this is work I am trying to achieve.
Currently I feel peaceful...and I can hear the rain..outside..the seasons are starting to change and fall is coming to the lower mainland again. Fall is darker time of year for me....it's way I choose to take time in November most years. I count down the weeks 6 more till...I leave for central america. I heart this...
I am still not in contact with my parents ... we have not spoke since April. I have peace with this but I feel like an orphan sometimes. I went to the canucks game with Brad last wednesday he said ...at times he has not spoken to his parents...but I ask him how and for advice for what created the change. ...he said it was before his birthday ....
I am focused on living from my heart and opening ...it
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