I Feel Angry, Annoyed and Other Meaningless Thoughts from the Buddha

I feel angry today because its Christmas and I do not want to celebrate it.
I feel angry today because I have to give gifts to people who I do not want to celebrate it.
I feel angry today because I feel this obligation to be part of this holiday, it feels meaningless to me
I feel angry today because I thought my left running shoe at home and could not work out at the gym after signing up for a three month membership.
I feel angry today because I feel lonely and my partner is more than 3000 miles away and I have not had a hug since October 1!
I feel angry today because I do not want to go to work tomorrow even if there will be no one in the office
I feel angry today because I am over functioning in a relationship
I feel angry today because I am over tired
I feel angry today because I feel bloated
I feel angry today because I have no Christmas spirit...I am the Christmas grump...
I feel angry today because I want to eat a bag of ruffles but I will feel worst after and just fat/bloated
I feel angry today because there is snow on the ground
I feel angry today because I am afraid of being loved for who I am
I feel angry today because I am afraid of being kind to myself

Tomorrow i will try to be happy....because today I am allow myself to feel angry

Lion Hunts a Lamb

My first Christmas back in Vancouver since 2003 and season feels wonderful. I was walking up Lonsdale looking at the mountains and I realized I live in the one most beautiful cities in the world. The mountains are framed with snow and the lights from the ski hills shine bright into the night. I am awe of  the beauty of the land and how lucky I am to be here.

Yesterday my parents came to visit. My mom disclosed secrets and I was not surprised. Sometimes she is more human than I think. Parents are not really super heros. Mosty I feel angry at my father. Angry at him for being a miserable person in my own life/childhood. He is aging very rapidly and I believe is slowing losing his mind. The person he once was is slipping away .... however this is his choice.

Things feels awkward between my partner and I. It feels like forever since I have a seen him and Edmonton feel so distance and like a life time away. I can't remember him or why I am in this relationship maybe he feels this way too. It would be awful if we both gave up .....

This year I am looking forward to changing my job and traveling more. This year is the year of change!

The Bittersweet

The bittersweet taste of it...the passion, the day and moving on. The end and changes are coming. I am flushed with new energy. For the first time in a while the sky seems clear and I am excited about the future. I am started to rework my resume for new job application. I am excited inside at the changes that coming.

I finally finished my exam, leaving the exam centre I relieved however I know I did the best I could. I am proud of the all of the information I learned over the past 6 months. For this ... is the best reward and I feel more confident. I feel peace. My wrist still ache...and I think its time to return back to yoga. I have missed my practice over the last 4 months. My body now feels twisted and sore.

I am feeling more present ...more active at work. Something has come alive in me...something wants to push again.

Last week was our Christmas party at Hy's ...it was a fun celebration. I drank to many gin/tonics and I could not sleep. I drank at coffee at 11 pm which kept me up till 3 my mind so alive. Each day of the season counting down till christmas. Each day stronger and more present.

Today I am unclear about my status in my relationship, today it's me questioning the merit of having a long distance partner. I feel away from him....I can't reminder his touch/face. I can't reminder why I signed up for this. For this... reason I feel colder and distance. Today I might choose to be alone...