Bright Lights

Saturday was amazing day: It reminded of days I use to have when two years ago when Stacy was single. We use to spend the weekends looking for adventure and fun. When Stacy started seeing Don, it felt like everything disappeared and our friendship turned into regular coffee dates and less midnight adventures. The first time I hung out with Stacy we went to Michael's BBQ and did not come back till 6 am morning. I still think of that May morning crossing the Highlevel Bridge and the sunrise coming over the city.

Yesterday Stacy and I went for pedi's and I finally had birthday cake. Happy Birthday was sung to me by Stacy and the Vietnamese nail technician. Later that evening I met her at our friend David's condo on 109th street. Drank shooter of Everclear and stumbled to the Pint for more drinks and food. :) A guy from the second floor apartment swung a fishing rod with a hook with $15 attached it, in front of my face. Security was on the patio looking for the man on the second floor. The hook hit the glass infront of me with a bang, I thought someone had thrown a bottle at the wall in front of my face. Later we dressed David in his mess top and danced at the gay bar Flash. I have not danced so hard and long in years. I was having so much. I wanted to dance on stage and fell of a speaker and landed on my feet. Thank God I do yoga and still have balance. Two near death experiences in one night! Regardless it was good time!

I loved my yoga class, it was challenging. I finally feel like I am having a small yoga break through! I still need to get a jade mat so I stick to the mat.

Today: Sunday has been the most laziest day Ever!!! LOL The one tasks I did accomplish is laundry and buying groceries. I'm still very lucky.

Courage and Caring

Last night after reading the power of now, i felt into the deepest sleep. I woke up at 1 am fully rested and fell back asleep. When my alarm when off at 5 am I was ready to run. I had an amazing run! It felt so so so....I was moving so quickly. It felt great! I feel so lucky, because other people will never know this feeling. I know today was going to be a great day!

The morning was slow at my desk...markets open and my screen was green till about 8:30 than the screen went red. Red isn't always the best colour to see in the morning. Maybe we are use to the volatility in the markets. Go VIX! I have been pretty good with my budget this week and not over spending!!!!! and making my lunch at work! Might have the new mac book paid off next month. I still need to file my taxes.

I feel very full of light and love and the stress and disappointment of my birthday is fading away. This is in the past and not happening anymore. I am excited about spending time with Stacy my life is strange this way....one friend leaves and another one comes back. I told her I wanted a birthday cause Hafsah never showed up mine!

I am super excited about yoga tomorrow and Saturday! It's great to be back into my routine and my body is finally feeling strong again. I have worked hard to lose the weight I put on last fall! I never imaged I would gain 10 pounds again, but there I last November tipping the scale at 153! Today I weight 142! I feel awesome less heavy and bloated. I finally feel like me again and I love 31 and no longer feel lost. I have art history for this....Leonardo and Raphael gave me so much courage to go forward and be brave. I found life again! I am still going to therapy, I am working through all things Chilliwack. I have arrived at a place where I can finally talk about my childhood and the exclusion I felt. I felt very lonely there and I also did not reach out to others....no one knew I felt so bad. It's finally ok...to let it go..and rest.

Mindfulness

This morning I was working on a estate file. It is taking me almost two days to piece together the paperwork. Part of me does not want to mail this package. I feel awful for the client, his wife passed away at 55 to cancer. 55 still feels to young to be gone....this client told me see loved Nevada and traveling their. It's reminder to always be present and go forward. Enjoy the moments. This appears to be the summer of unlike deaths....first Sunhil and now this client.

Stacy has been calling me alot lately since her break up. I think she is overly concerned and not use to being alone. I am hoping she will be strong soon and move on.

I signed up for swimming lessons today. I want to improve my stroke and be more confident. Hopefully I can try surfing again the ocean.

My mind is mostly empty today....I'm not sure if that is good thing...I'm trying to think less....and not over think! I do not want to complicate my mind...there is already so much in there....

Tomorrow is going to be a great day....a run....and maybe some weights... tonight is a great evening...

Forgiveness

Forgiveness was my theme for my 5:30 yoga class. I wanted to let go of the past and move forward into the present. Mostly I wanted to forgive myself and criticize myself for Hafsah not coming to my birthday camping weekend. I finally found forgave my class. The class was amazing and taught by a substitute teacher. It was challenging in so many ways...I loved how she let the students go at their own pace. I love how much my fellow students also love to practice in at this studio. We end the class with a sea of om....we chanted three times...everyone at their own pace. The sound was beautiful and vibrated though the room. I can still feel the vibrations with me as I type. I am so bless....and at peace again. I breathed a little bit of courage into myself.

Tuesday morning started with amazing run. I felt my body pace itself as the sweat pour down my body. I love the way the body feels when you push it past what you feel you are capable of doing. The mind is so strong and power.

My desk is still endless pile of paperwork. New accounts, estate accounts and KYC updates. GRRRAhhhh.....I feel like I am wearing dirty under ware when I am at my desk. I am trying to not stink underwater......bless my soul out there.....

Rob called me last night before bed...it was great to hear his voice....and I finally hear love in it. It's the words I remember when I was 20. I never believed this feeling would come back....I was fighting to let it go for so long...Rob feels like home. I have small connections with very few people and places. I feel a connection in Yarrow, Kits Beach, spending time with my parents and Rob. Rob is home...I have found forgiveness in our past.

Float Like A Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee- Muhammad Ali

Today was a strange day, I felt numb. The weather is warm and sunny plus 26! Lately it is the nicest of days and the worst. I feel empty lost and confused, feels like waiting for bus that will never come. I am doubting myself and I shouldn't , I need to be kind to myself and remember the end of the friendship had nothing to do with me, I just feel hurt. I feel kinda lost. I seek to understand it but not to win. I doubting I can make the next semester at the University. I am starting to feel unworthy of completing my degree. I feel mostly unworthy of friend. My low self esteem is getting the better of me.

I looked assertive- made eye contact, created a plan, had perfect posture- I am sticking to my goal! I need to push forward. This will pass.....

I had a great sleep last night, I did not wake up once. I should be happy and grateful!!!!! I don't get good sleeps on Sunday night. It must of been the left over bliss from camping. The weather is was still warm at 5:30 when I ran. My legs felt good and strong. My body felt strong. I did not feel weak. My body is telling me I can do this.....I can go forward. Don't get lost.....

Most of my work was completed on Friday due to my chronic people pleasing disease. My corner is lonely in the afternoon, Jonathan is away in BC and Joan is leaving early. I surf the net, read Hollywood gossip and listen to Stacy vent about Don. I eat the regular wrap. My mind debates salad or wrap why does this create conflict they both are lettuce. I am avoiding the discussion about Cliff's marathon run. I am drifting present away. Starting to sleep again. I miss my yoga practice. I might even miss my therapist. I need to start reading Eckhart Toll again. I need to feel good all over again. I remember clinging to his books after my break up with Keith. It was like Toll had tossed me a life line.

I need to be present to remember all the good things which have happened this summer and the good which is coming. I am working to towards finishing my degree and moving back to BC.

The Great Rebirth Adventure at Elk Island

I don't understand how everything can change in less 24 hours. One minute you have a friend next you blocked and deleted and banned. I wish Hafsah had just been honest about not being able to come camping, regardless the show went on without her perfectly. It is strange how one friend leaves and another becomes close. Odd???

From the moment Anna and I left Edmonton I felt so peaceful. I love the prairies outside of the city. The sky goes forever and forever! Beautiful! I love being outside the city. I think I lived in the city to long and crave the peace and stillness of living outside the city. Last night I traveled outside the city on the Yellowhead I was with Keith and we were driving to Amy's New Year's Party south of Cooking Lake. In side his truck the mood was tense....and it was only a week till we broke up. This trip was different peaceful and full of stillness.

Elk Island is home to two different types of buffalo, it's rare to see so many on the buffalo loop. We were lucky....I can say the trip was almost postcard perfect! Wonderful. I was so excited to sleep in the teepee and be outside! so beautiful!

After a two hour game of scrabble, we took the canoe on the lake. I loved being the canoe...it was my piece of heaven for the summer!!!!!! From every moment I dipped the canoe paddle into water I felt so alive and it felt magical.

In the last two months, I have worked hard to discover new activities and try to be adventurous. I know peace is coming and I finally feel comfortable in my 30's and my own shoes.

Watching the sun go down was beautiful, it was one of the most amazing sunsets ever!!!!! How lucky and blessed we are to have experienced. Moments caught by pics still can't describe the essence of the trip and the experience.

Although we only spend one night there....it felt like we were gone for much longer. I feel very rested. Although it appears this journey cost me a friend I would not have a changed it.

Happy Birthday, Happy 31

Gifts For Your Future

Tuesday, almost nothing eventful happens on a tuesday :( I sat today at my desk for most of the day with almost nothing to do. I had even reviewed my daily websites for the latest news and gossip by 10 am. Two trades later I was still sitting. I decide to something productive search for courses on the University of Alberta website. I am three credits short of graduating! The Dean of Arts Mr. Raleigh wants me to enrol in a science course. Finding an evening science course took up much of my time after market close. Finally I found one!!! Only one.....Psychology of Behaviour! Thursday night from 5 to 8! It's perfect for my work schedule and personal life. yippie...I can finally grad...I feel excited and it's a full circle moment. I am going to finish my degree!

I am so so so looking forward to this weekend. I am going camping at Elk Lake National Park!!!! I booked a tepee to sleep in..for me and my closest friends. I am so so so looking forward to this girl weekend! Anna made me rent a canoe! I can't wait ...I just want to be outside in nature. I feel like 31 is rebirth from all the dysfunction and depression I felt when I turned 30. I know 31 is the year everything comes together for me. Is this the year of completeness, is this the year I finally stop beating myself up for all of the negative instead of celebrating the positive. This is the year I embrace myself. I like who I am.... :) and learn to live with courage!

Sunday was another excellent day, I run strong at the gym and later saw a play at the Fringe with Hafsah! We watch BoyGrove!!! A play about 4 guys in a boy band and how they found fame and success and recovered from losing it. It was great fun and made me laugh so much...and it was way way better than the chocolate covered banana. The banana was a poor investment at $4. I could not recommend our waiter at Earls. He was terrible. It's easy to spot an undergrad student living at home in the work place. Maybe he forgot he was working in the service industry. After forgetting to add chicken to Hafsah's pasta...he could not recover with any kind of flare. It was Mediterranean pasta with chicken!!! Who forgets that????!!!!!! huh???

Life for me is breezy....and the world is a little clearer....

I survived 30! I'm so proud!

Well this is has been a very interesting year, more downs than ups. I never thought I would struggle so badly with turning 30. I do acknowledge this change has been gradual finally. I'm feeling ready to be 31 next friday! I am actually excited, I think this will be the year things come together for me and I finally have a mature plan for the fall and next winter.

I wrote my art history final, it's strange because I know I will finally finish my degree, it feels like this is has been a long time in the making for several years I believed it would never happen. I thank the dean of arts for sending me that nasty letter last August, he gave me the but kick I needed. I loved the art history class. I was so deeply moved by the artists and many of the paintings. I was an enjoyable way to spend part of the summer. My brain still felt like it was on a visual vacation. I feel in love with education again. I felt the same way about going to class as I did ten years ago at Langara. JMW Turner's Slave Ship is a visual masterpiece. I love the burst of sunset, it's so sublime and beautiful yet haunting because under the painting the slaves are drowning. But Monk by the Sea (Friedrich) gives me hope, as the monk looks so peaceful looking at the ocean. It makes me think of when I meditate by the ledge grounds in the sun. So much bliss to be felt. My soul and heart right now are bursting with peace and bliss, it has been almost a year since I felt this way. Tonight I can say I am very blessed. I felt like from the first class Michelangelo's rondo's has saved me from my dull office job and allowed me to escape into visual bliss. Studying Michelangelo has given me the courage and freedom to open my heart to possibilities.

Danger is a Girl with a Plane Ticket and an Empty Bank Account

Today was the perfect afternoon. I had pizza with Hafsah and engaged in awesome conversation. I finally feel like I have a plan and goals I am working towards. I plan to move back to Vancouver by December and start to work towards a marketing career! I am super excited...I loved my trip back to BC and the afternoon I spent in Whistler at Rainbow Lake! I finally have a tan! Work is been ok...I don't might being back, I just have to work on not being so exhausted...somehow I have to find the happy medium.

I am so slowing working on relaxing...*sigh* Sundays are awesome and thoughtful!

Bulawayo and Other Places I have not Visited

It's 9:42 am monday morning pacific time and I am on a BC ferry traveling to the mainland. I spend the last two days in Victoria. I have found a lot of clarity riding the ferry the past year and I realized I am a tourist because I enjoy it so much! I have lived in the Prairies so long!!!! It makes my head spin!I felt I was kinda selfish with my time with Lisa, i am unsure if she felt appreciated. I can't believe I will be back at work on thursday time flies by so much!!!! I am still unsure what I my long term plan is, I am thinking maybe I should stop trying to create one and just live life right now because I am so far from being present!

Last night Lisa and I went to the fireworks. It only tens minutes. I think the crowds were really disappointed. I enjoyed my veggie burger and mojitos better. Should have stayed at the Canoe Club for desert. I did have some amazing food while visiting the Victoria I love the variety of foods. I am slowly learning maybe I am enough and I am good enough. It's still a foreign concept in my head. My mind needs to stop getting wrapped up in all these existentialist conflict that distract my mind. Back to the recap of the goods.

I flew in Abbotsford last tuesday morning. It's strange to be back in the Valley, somehow now at 30 I have finally made peace with my roots and my family. I have to, there is nothing to prove and nothing to show anyone, nor does it matter. Going home feels like going home. Its mostly relaxing to there because I am not distracted by work or friends. I don't get absorbed into their issues. Some how going home feels more precious because my parents are getting older. One day soon I wont have a home to go to. This deeply saddens me. Where will I belong when I am older. Who will remind me I am OK.

The view from the ferry is amazing. It's cloudy and a little over cast. I don't feel alive very often, I know this window is closing and I will go back into my coma to survive. I just feel I could feel sometime! When will I be present.

Rob is waiting for me on the mainland. I just bought him a heart shaped rick, it says I love you! Which I do...somewhere deep down inside, I am always the most comfortable with him, Rob also feels like home. This is funny to say after 10 years, spending time with him is also like coming home. It's strange I do not feel at home with Lisa but I feel very safe with Rob??? Maybe still after all of these years I question her loyality to me?? I don't let anyone get close to me. i felt so sick at her place, I passed out on the bathroom floor, not sure why...I felt terrible....and I felt so gross. Maybe it's to late. I can count my good friends on my hand. TRUST!

PS I love my art history course, somehow monday and wednesday night are colour and viberate