When I Grow Up

Today is another fall day, at least there is no snow. I am going to start studying soon. In another hour. I had an awesome run, it was one of those days where I just glided through it. I feel pretty good and strong! Lindsay texted me this morning to see how I was feeling. I told him I was fine and doing better...I feel at least. I have some clarity. Yeah I was a bitch last night, I should not have made that phone call. I just trying to make him feel bad and get attention. So I am going to work on, not placing value on the attention I get from men. I need to do this. To much of my self esteem comes from attention from other people.

I need to take my gel nails off, cause they are getting to long and kinda gross. My bed is coming on Tuesday, It has been years since I have had my own bed and I am super excited! I can't wait till it get here and I can sleep in it!

Gratitude

I know, it has been a while. I have been a bad blogger, was I ever a good one? Here is my update, I still have not passed the DFC or OLC but I am at my deadline so here we go. I have no other choice but to go forward or it is over done completed. Anyway it is time to move on, Let go have clarity Release. Move forward from old mistakes. It is all inside of me.

So lets recap the fall events and highlights. Thanksgiving week I went to the States for a 9 days. It was a magical trip and very eventful one of the best times I have had lately. It was very refreshing. I love LA! I want to go so bad.....I really do. It was just exciting. Everyday was amazing. Except I did get involved with my co worker. I am not sure why and where this is going to lead me but I do feel chemistry but it will be short lived as he is going away in Jan. So I am letting go and knowing that our time is short and possibly currently over. I am sad but I know it is the best thing for both of us, as it is getting confusing and stressful. We are both being faced with the big questions of our of fantasy relationship. or maybe just mine fantasy relationship. I have learned one thing, DO NOT HOOK UP WITH CO WORKERS, they are work place poison! So here I am waiting for him to leave, so he can leave me first. Why can't I leave? Why can't I make up my mind for what I want! I don't know what I need or want.

I have started a Gratitude Journal, It is helping me keep peace of mind and reminding of all the good things in my life. Sometimes writing in it has been difficult but I am learning to invite positive energy into my life. I want good energies. I had my cards read again. I was told I have healing powers, which I do agree with. I do heal quickly, I have thinking of a career change something else.

I can't believe I fell in love with someone who I convinced to told to leave the country...aggggrrrr. I have a big mouth! But last weekend at the crown plaza was magical! So bad memories like that only last for a couple of hours! I love memories like that. I celebrate them and accept them and say good bye.

More Toxic stuff in my life, only gratitude I can do it!

Living near the 24 hr Macs Store

I moved this Wednesday, I can't believe it. I finally did it, I escaped the coffin apartment. Six months ago, I thought I was going to buried there..or something like that. Moving has been a good release for me. I finally downtown and I have a beautiful view along with my new apartment which for once will be filled with nice things! It is time to grow up buy a real couch and bed...and try to make inside feel beautiful too. This projet for me is about inviting people in. I think it will work. It will make me more open and less afraid to let others get to know me. I do not feel trapped, Today I feel very free, even though I do not have cable or internet I am going to make it. So I guess my posts will still be regular! Ha ha.....Moving has been good for my mental health. I think August is going to be a good month. Although it has been very costly! I know things will come together!

I failed my DFC mark of 40% that sucks! So I am rewriting on the August 28, Must get ready get set...here I go....(If I don't pass this time I will start to think of other jobs :( )

Nine Inch Nails was amazing, One of the best concerts I have ever seen!!!It was a great show, it started a little late, but the light show was awesome!!!! I can not believe I paid on 25$ to see that show!!!!It was great great!!!!!

PS I hate small Children.....Having Children makes Women stupid!

I worked late on Sat..easiest shift every! I took like one call an hour...I would totally work that shift again...I might have too work labour day for the extra money!



I have a great work out this morning. I am going to take up swimming along with my running and spin class...I need to become a strong swimmer to! Skills I need to work at and this will keep me busy till the Shaw guy comes..

Future Perfect!!!!!

Three Memo Notes to Myself

Do not worry, YOU ARE OK!
Do not worry, THINGS WILL WORK THEMSELVES OUT
Do not worry, YOU CAN NOT CONTROL THINGS YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OFF!

I am moving to 104th street week, it is a big move only because i have so much to pack. It is also kinda sad because i am leaving the apartment I have lived in for the last four years but it is time to go and move on...

I am excited but so exhausted this week. I don't really know what I am going to do..

I feel right now there are many unfinished things right now...things that are just out of my control. What to do...what to do...I must be patience I must be calm. I can not control these things. Trying to control them will be only made in poor judgement.

Lets recap this week, I wrote my DFC and I know I failed it..cause I did not study for it right :( I have peace with needing to rewrite it...I had a nervous breakdown last friday and panic attack cried on my friend Mark's shoulder...felt better..

Wednesday I went to the Rose and Crown drank to much....took at nap on a park bench by the hotel Macdonald. I felt somehow better but not to sure...Thursday night I gave someone food and myself food poisioning..Did not feel well after that night...it also left me really confused...what I'm I going to do about this shit????

Friday I went to see the Trews at Capital EX, and sat in my friend's Mike back yard and drank more beer till the early morning...Somehow I made it to spin class...and rode the bike barely hanging on...than...I had to get my hair done at Icon...it looks great but again I nearly feel asleep in my chair..

I have Nine Inch Nail tickets for tommorow night and I am so excited...it is going to be fun and more beer!!!!!!i have to watch my money cause I am moving and stuff...I am taking my power back..It will be ok...

My birthday is in a couple of weeks, I don't know whether to be excited or sad, I don't know what to think right now...I just need some time and some time off week..the end of august will be good..I will get to go home. I need to sleep. I feel so overwhelmed. I can do this...

Na Na Na Stairs and More

Hey, here is another Saturday..I do not have much planned this weekend..just hanging out and studying. Today I went to spin class..rode the bike really hard and ran for half an hour later. Later I did some stairs with Jen and a walk, had dinner at pita pit..and bubble tea.

This week I have had alot of house fires..first the toaster over..which was a gift from when I lived in Kitsalino had to go.. :( I finally threw it out...honestly it was a fire hazord. It was going to burn down the apartment. I knew it had to go...than my flat iron fizzled so...I have no toaster oven and no flat iron...I am going to get one tommorow at Chatters. And maybe some ice cream.

I feel ok ....work was so slow yesterday because the fourth of july holiday no markets! It was nice to have a break :) I can't believe it is July. It was has been crazy hot! I have had a horrrible time breathing on my runs. I can not get enough air into them. It almost hurts and my whole body physically hurts. It is like breathing in glass. Today it finally rained a bit but really it did nothing. The city has not cooled off at all..:( So I had to work extra hard in spin class. I finally a weighted ball for my ab work out so I do it at home if the gym is super busy.

I can't decide right now if I want to be anti social or not. I am not sure. I am not sure what is going on...I thinking of flying to Vancouver next weekend. I need to get out of the city. I am going crazy here!

In the next month I will need some courage! I feel like lotsa of stuff is going to happen but I am not sure what that is...

Trader Training Wheels

I am in training again this week. It is an interesting break....from work and learning. Today I am so tired burned out...but i have to study again! My stomach hurts also... and my neck, I have hurt it doing crunches so I think that is why I feel dizzy today. I also just ate fruit salad for lunch. I need to escape for a couple days or a week!

I do not have to much planned for this weekend. I think just spin class...and maybe some bubble tea. I was super busy last weekend with shopping with stacy and a movie..and now it is back to business.

I am not sure why i am tired today:( I went to bed last night at 8:30 and woke up at 6. it could be the heat. All I can hear outside is the people coming to the football game across the street. You know you are confused when life throws you a curve ball and you are not sure what to do...

Ready for Extra Ordinary!

I woke up this morning!!!! I must go forward even if I am afraid to be alone! Today I think I am ready! I decided not to apply for the job in Vancouver. It is really not worth it and not what I want. It is time for me to live my life the way I want to!!!!! It is time to get up and get going!!!!!! I know I have been sleep walking the past couple of months and when I had my cards read Paul was right when he said it is time to up and get ride of Rob. He came up as the judgement card! I know it, at that moment it was time to move on. So here I am ready to be extraordinary! Time for me.....

Yesterday I had a really nice afternoon with Stacy. We went to WEM to do some shopping together, and we went all over the mall looking at clothes. Stacy finally bought her shoes which totally rock, she looks good in them. i tired on a pair too and a guy in Nine West so Stacy and I wearing them and made his girlfriend buy them after seeing how hot the shoes were! I bought a shirt from Tristan it is super pretty and some underwear from American Eagle with Whales on it! Later we had dinner at Blue Plate Dinner and it was really nice. I want another Sea Breaze! I love their sweet potato Fries they are so good. We walked forever! The walk was awesome! It felt like we walk all over downtown.

Ok no more sleep walking I am so tired of that..time to get moving....I knew he would never change. It does not matter....time to get going!!! Be my own person!

I am going out for dinner with Lindsay in about 20 minutes. I am writing this blog as I am waiting for him to pick me up. Stra

patience days powerless moments

Must Wait, Must Wait....i am so tired. i am not sure what to do??? how to get somewhere or what to do??? Another Job openned up in Vancouver but i am confused. I know i am going to apply. Lately I have been feeling very fat...I have gained 5 pounds since March and I have been unable to lose it! This past week I have been so bloated!! I feel huge! Also I have a horrible blister on my foot..

I had bubble tea this evening it was good! the watermelon was so refreshing!!!! why do some people come back into my life. i am not sure what to do about this!

lately I have had bites all over my hands it is so embarressing. I am going to shot myself in the head. I can't live like this any long!

Here we go Problems VS Disadvantages I want to go home! I feel so powerless!

Brain In a Vat

I have always hated school, I can't remember from what Grade I felt this but ever since grade school I hated the way education and those who worked in education. Why are they the emery. Not sure, I even find university frustrating! i don't get it...I don't think I was meant to...I am just not a very good student.

So here is my problem...do grade matter..i really don't think so, at least not the real world..which is why students can't get jobs after they grade oh yeah...

I won a gift card at work...i can't believe I pulled my own name out the box. To funny...I pulled kevin's as well...

Last night was a good night, I had some drinks and than went to marble slabe for ice cream. I love the frozen yogurt. It was so good..I am going again tommorow...I think I hope. We drove around talked alot...just about relationships and stuff. I should have not drank the two glasses of wine...opps..hey..well..actually I have no defence here at all..

My head is so cluttered with stuff..it feels like it is going to explode! it hurts...i can't stop thinking...I can't decide on what i want...it hurts!

had to clean the apartment again..i want to be a home owner! no more of this it is just stupid! I am tired of everything! i am so tired! no one knows how tired I feel...

I had a sandwich today, coffee cake from starbucks, ice cream from purdy's mud pie flavor and a frappacino. it is gross what I am eatting..oh that bag of bqq chips...that is to much crap! no wonder why I have not lost any more weight and my weight is not changing..my diet sucks!

Day Two

Hey I have a horrible head today and I feel exhausted! Work was rough this monday!!! I had no energy! Wow I am tired, and I am not sure why I did sleep really well last night, which i strange I never sleep that well on a sunday night!

Breakfast was provided at work this morning. I was excited to see the bagels and the big tray of fruit! Yummy....i think there is enough for tommorow. Plus I get my massage, I switched with Alla today. He took my space. I also won the wii bowling game today against Stacy..I am not sure how...??? Mysteries i know. This weekend we all suppose to see the Sex and the City movie, I am pretty excited about that! I am still have start studing for my DFC. I keep looking at the text book...hummmm

As for the rental issues I have not heard anything back yet...I think this could take a while. Good to know you are almost homeless again...Such is the theme of my life..and bed bugs..

I am also waiting on a text message from Lisa. Oh yeah I had ice cream from Purdy's vanilla...I think we have ice cream almost every day!

Still no flat iron. Should call Rob but i probley fall asleep before i get do cause he is working again :( I can't believe it is June!!!

How did I get to this place...i am not sure...Still living in the same apartment with no stuff..i don't even own a bed anymore . Somehow I did not think 27 would look like this...I don't know what I thought it was going to be like...Sometimes i want some time off to think about it..go on a trip travel away for some time. When will I have time for myself is time slipping away...

Cubicles, coffee and chocolate which has become myself...oh bloated..
Distance when will i commit and I don't understand why I am so fearful of it. Sometimes I think it would be nice to share my life with someone..Sunday mornings are getting lonely. I kinda feel silly knowing there is no one to see after spin class..No pancakes...so...at what point is it going to click!

Why is commitment so easy for others, and I am so fearful...I just can't anymore screwed up relationships. Should I just get up and leave and move in Rob...right now..why i can't i get on the plane???? Why can't I buy a place....

hollow plastic, face of plaster...what I feel like looking into a mirror.. smells like lavender trees outside..Month of June...

After The Chocolate

I am so full....last night I ate so much chocolate I think I am over it! Wow!!!! It was an awesome night with friends. We revisited naughty Mad Libs from Junior High! i cant believe i forgot what an adverb is...oh yeah I did get bit by one lonely mosquito ouch...on my elbow too! At least i did not eat ice cream today and I am wearing my skinny jeans yeah for size 4!

I have not started my final essay from Philosophy 205. I should check the topics. I can't believe it is June First! I feel like this summer everything is going to change...somehow..now sure what it is going to change. I have not been saying this since i started the blog back in 2005. And I guess it is true I only write in the blog when I don't want to write a paper.

I have alot of stuff to do this week, I could need to start looking for a new apartment. I keep waiting for jobs to open in Vancouver! I applied for one in April and did not get it! It sucks I was the runner up, I did not get it because I lacked experience and she needs someone with there licences right now. Oh well....I will keep waiting everything will happen at the right time! I know cause I have learned it always does.

I also have alot of events coming up with pride for the weekend of june 13-15, everything from the parade to the mayors brunch! I am sooo looking forward to this weekend. It is going to fun! It will nice to share it with my co workers. So next weekend I need to get my hair lighted and write my final paper! I will be busy busy and I will need to buy another case of red bull!

It is sunny today, but not to much has happened this sunday, I should be reading my DFC....I got distracted this weekend with the apartment being sold to new owners and the chocolate fondue to crack my text book, but i need to get on that!

At some point I need some new running shoes!!! and a new flat iron...

My final word today is I am working on judging less...yes there is a sign posted on my desk which says no judgement! I am not sure if it has worked yet oh well...here we go another week. Here's to welcoming Monday!

Chocolate Busy, Even if it is Wrong!

What a recap I must give!!!!!!

I did it, i changed jobs passed my exams!!! I have two more to go..than i am finished. I did not think I was going to make it when I changed job. I spent some nights in December crying and feeling so stressed. Wow I can't believe I am here...

Right now I am taking another Class at the U of A, I am in a philosophy class about knowledge. It is a nice change to learn about something that is not all business like. I wrote my paper on doubt. And why doubt is an important method to work though problems. i don't think it made sense but really what does these days.

As for fitness i am still running like a crazy lady and I have added spin class to my weekly routine. I am also working on my abs..It has been a year and I have managed to keep the weight off. I am so proud of myself! I committed and I completed. I bought my some new sports bras and under armour shirts the other day. I really need some new shoes but i am waiting for a sale ...and I have not lost any toe nails this year at all!

I feel very hyper, I think it is from the Red Bull. I am really enjoying work and my co workers. I am so lucky the people I work with are really great too. I think I am part of the DQ Blizzard Club at work because I always go for ice cream after work hehehe...or get ice cream from Purdy. Next week we will Marble Slabe!

As for my partner and I. I am still waiting to move to Vancouver to be with him. I am watching the jobs and waiting for the right now. Every thing will come together when it is meant to be. I am not worried and he is waiting for me :) i am not sure about buying a place but I do keep my eyes open. My apartment I think has been sold again...there is a bit of confusion about this...but hopefully it will be all worked out this week. We spent alot of christmas together...I think it was than I realized he was serious or maybe it was st patricks day when he told me he loved me..

Today I am going over to my friend jen's for dinner and desert tonight chocolate fondue. I am bring ing seven layer dip and chips. I bought this last week to my friend's stacy's house warming party. It was fun except I ended up wearing some chocolate strawberry on my face. No one told me and i found it on my face at the bar! I gave some dating advice to my co workers. Tell the girls you are unemployed, they were so confused. i am trying to help everyone get hooked up!

So i have got to go not sure what to wear tonight I am toren my I love shoes shirt or another shirt??? I feel not so stressed anymore I was very upset this morning but I have calmed down...yeap....

Last word my flat iron is dying, any day now it is going to go....i need to get a chi!!!