Moving On and Down a Floor!

I did...I applied and was hired for a new position!!! I can't believe it, it all happened so fast but I was ready and needed to do this. I could not stay..I just could not. I also could not handle my co workers anymore! This just made sense. I honestly was bored in my job and really needed this change, I did not feel challeneged anymore! I just needed more!!

Right now I do not know what I want...I know I just want to make this career change and I am working hard to pass my exams. I have been told this not easy but I can handle it!! I have too!! Cause this what I really want to do!!

It is funny when you start to make decisions for yourself other people want to be part of your life!! Strange huh??? I don't know if I want to move in with him..I just don't know..I feel like our time has passed and we are just friends. I just don't feel love anymore...plus I did not like having to waiting hours..It is not what I want. I wanted this when I was 22 but not right now..maybe not never..and I do not get it why now..why after seven years..decide you want this commintment. I just don't know why...

I went home for a week and did lotsa of shopping..I have so many new clothes..it is all so pretty. Everything is all coming together. I need to do my course...I need to do well...I think I can make it!

Keeping it Together! Ask Ask

Another work day gone .....another fight. I just want to be in the middle of the two of them...I can't handle the fighting. I am just not sure what to think about it. Actually I am counting the days down till I can leave or apply for new jobs. I am so thinking about doing it! I just can't decide if I want to commit to staying here!

I am so stuffed and blooted! I feel huge! This weekend I ate so much crap and yesterday I could not stop eatting. Eat Eat that is all I did all day! I was so hungry! I would have ate my foot if I could!

I love my strip shirt from H & M, that i wear with my half sweater, it is my new favorite thing to wear!

The Bond That Keeps me Together....Ask Me

Hey..it is the first of october!!!! Hey, another first of the month gone and over with...I am just happy it is done and over with...I was feeling moody today and I don't know why. Oh my apartment was sold...but we have not been asked to leave...I guess they are going to let us stay..they just want our money. I can't believe someone paid $180000.00 for this place.

Now I know I was bitch this weekend but you know...sometimes..it happens.."sigh" I still feel guilty. No more using people. Promises

I can't stop listening to the Smiths...ask ask ask me....Lets hope for good things...hoping not to feel empty!

God Bless Me Please This Year!!!!

Last day in September...."sigh" fall again, this are not is chaotic just dull...you know when you don't know what to do..but you feel stuck and can make a move but I just can't. Yeah that is me!!! I am can't choose and I can't decide...I hate having so many choices and options! I just had my hair lighted and spent the after noon this Rene and I broke yet again another heart. It just was not there! Does that make me a bad person! I think it was worst I let him pay for all the drinks! The funny thing is I told him I was bitch straight from the start! Now...I also made the mistake of talking about another guy I only went out with once or twice claiming I could not see him cause he was boring. At three in the morning...a sad little voice now askes me...I'm boring right...i was like "no" your not but I am just confused and unstable! I should have just told him the truth...I felt no spark..and without a spark...I am just not interested. I think I might just like the attention.....I feel horrible...I use guys for this...I really only like..a small of couple of them. Lets be honest..i only ever loved Lindsay and Rob..those two were the only two..who really made me excited!

Work has been better and more stable...I am thinking of flying home for thanksgiving it would be nice to spend some time with everyone on the coast! Oh yeah and see my babies...

Hold on and Not Lost

Hey, things are looking up again...I might be changing jobs. I am just nervous about the exams and wondering if I can make it..I have to, I really can't turn back, this is going make the difference in the life for my career, I need to do this!

I feel I can no longer work in the postion I have. today I was so angry at work this morning..probley because of the pile of work which landed on my desk..ouch..I was pissed off..and so angry. Tommorow I am bringing veggies and dip, I am not sure why I am being nice, I should not be this way but I can't help.

I feel like I am moving on and it is time to, I can't believe what is happening to me. there is so many changes. Even here at home, the building was sold again..they keep wanting to check the apartment and stuff. Oh it is annoying my building owners seem to want to come in whenever they want. GRRRR

Wishing me luck tommorow...I am so stuffed from the pasta I ate today at lunch but it was so good...yummy...tommorow back to making my lunch again..

It's My Fairy Tail

Getting closer.....hummmm my move is coming, I can't wait. One more month.

I look at my face and feel older...I can't believe I am here 27, wow who know...crazy, where is the time going and what I am going to remember, I feel I need to take some time to experience different things or at least..go a different direction. I am feeling it is time to part with my job and move on..i am going to be sad to see the desk go..it just holds so many miserable merories..mostly just the feelings of helplessness..I guess.

I have been saying this for four months but i need to take my holidays! I need to book a plane ticket and airfare has finally dropped..and I am coming I guess. I hope.

Hope is all about all I have now, and patience..

Birthday Countdown!

Another birthday, and yet another year...I hate milestones..I would rather hide than celebrate my birthday. I just feel so disapointed and tired. I feel so unclear about what is going to happen to me. I just don't know. At this point I would rather be left alone..than with people. I have not figured out what I am going to do..I am just plotting my escape..from this life.

Meet me in the Morning....Come on Life

I hate computers, no I hate PC's. Mine is screwed at work...it crashes. I just want the hardrive to die. This really why i own a Mac, cause I have no patience...this way I don't work with computers..they are to slow. I am suffering at my desk with my this piece of crap!

Well tommorow is going to be alittle busy, I have to pick up my birthday pies from Sunterra for everyone. I picked apple crumble and key lime. I was thinking of a cheesecake but I changed my mind once I saw the key lime pie!!!! I have not had key lime pie since Christmas...I am excited!

I am dreading my birthday, somehow I feel old somehow I feel like I should have more..somehow i am mad at the TSX...for letting finanical stocks fall...yeah I am losing money. not to much..but enough to annoy me. I really don't let myself get caught up in investing, i am just starting ...next week in my monthly review....I am thinking talking about career change...it is time to move on and do something else. You know everything is changing...and I might as well change too!

I felt good today...I wore my half sweater top from holts..along with a tank top...and capris. I knew I look pretty good...grrr 1100 more days till 30. I wonder if I am going own a house by then...I hope things are more stable. I am kinding thinking things are going to get better this year...I don't know why but I feel it...

Always and Forever Your Blonde!

Hello New Hair!!! I knew I was meant to blonde since I was I little girl...I have really know no other colour and I have dying my hair for almost 13 years now...I am so in love with bleach!!! I can't believe I still have hair!!! It should have fallen out by now!

Another day at work, another day waiting for sounds of the fax machine! My life is ruled and controled by them, oh the power of the fax. I did not know after so many years in university, that I a fax machine would be running my daily life. It was slow day today and I managed to drink almost two pots of tea! Yeah I must have been bored....maybe it was the ceasar I had for lunch...because this week I am working the early it means I can not have dairy at work because it gives me cramps when I run and the root beer slurpee has not yet returned to the shoppers drug mart! I really not want lime or orange pop!

Heather is waiting for the arrival of herbal tea lose kit, I am waiting to see if it works, I heard green tea does help you lose weight but I am unsure. hummm...I should switch to green tea in the morning rather than peppermint!

I went to the Blue Plate Dinner last night again, it was ok but I really did not like their veggie burger it had a coconut taste to it. I don't know...veggie burgers either taste good or suck ass!!! But the nachos were really good: they had some cool beans on them!

Behind all the Shades...

Ok...friday night I had my cards read...and I am still upside down. I can't believe it I am still confused and need to get order into my life. (all of this I ready knew..) I have decided to take his advice and get rid of the clutter that is confusing me yup I made my choice I am going to move! It is time to go west. Everyone else is going east but I need to go west. I also I am going to stop worrying about people who do not put the time and effort into me that they should. Now that sounds selfish but right now I have a couple of toxic people in my life claiming to be friends or claiming to be supportive but can not even return phone calls or wish me a happy birthday. I have two people in my life that I need space from...they just have not been very kind to me for a while. Also they are to busy with their own lives to put any effort into anyone elses.

I had my hairlighted and it looks great. It is a really nice blonde that is so bright and happy but I think yesterday it had to much product in it. yeah I really like it...it is my new beginning blonde..going forward. Time to change my job time to change my life...I think the tarot card reading was right I am bored with my life and I need some changes...I am thinking of moving to Victoria to be closer to Lisa. Somehow I feel that the place I should be right now...no more wasting time and effort.

I had an amazing run this morning...it was a smooth 50 minutes. I just keep going and I can't stop.

by the way the mango in love smoothie is great!!!

Mixed Views...But You Could Happy??!!

i am not sure what to say but I here I am I have lost 25 pounds in the last 6 months and I now wear a size six...wow talk about journey. I have become a gym freak I go every morning at 6 am and run and run cause at this point in my life it is the only thing I am sure of. None of old clothes fit, I feel they reflect my old life and the place I was before....I don't know the person I was and I don't know the person I have become. I see a smaller verison of myself and I never believed this was going to happen to me...somehow I held on...and made it.

I have alot things to think about in the next month, I can finally move to whether I want...I am unsure of where I want to go and what job to take. God!!! So difficult I want some reassurance that everything will be ok...I want to know...I will make it on the other side.. it just seems everyday this is part of me that wants to jump infront of the LRT and does not! And this why I am running...cause the running keeps me sane!

Work has been good....last weekend Heather and I look all weekend for the book Skinny bitch and could not find it!!! Someone put them all on hold but Jacob has extra 50% off all sale items. we were so disapointed at least I was!!! I am trying to cut out dairy, I am just trying to be healthy person...I don't think I could ever go back to girl who eats pizza a couple times a week...I am just not her...oh and this why I had to start running. Do i sound crazy!!???

Heather wants me to go with her again to Kelowna for the September long weekend..I am not sure when I am going out to BC again...I should go out soon....oh my head is spinning...by the way my health is fucked too!!! grrrr...does it get easier...!!! Rob said life gets harder as you get older...and i never use to believe him but now I do...I think this past year has been one of the hardest..I guess growing up sucks. Come on Blue Skies....things are going to be ok..

Feeling Wonderrful and Full of Engery!!!! WOWEEE!!!

Well for the last of couple of months since feburay I have working out at the gym across the street and I have lost 11 pounds since starting. I feel wonderful and like a completely different person, for the last month I have going at least six times a week. Also I am running before work now so I have tons of energy through out the day and I am totally postive. I can run for least 45 minutes and not stop! The change in my body has been wonderful but has created a new crisis of pants that do not fit. I am almost no longer a size ten! I can't believe this day come, last summer I was so afraid I was going to end up fat and overweight but for the first time in my life I feel very free and comfortable with myself. I am learning to accept my myself and love myself. I know everything has happen for a reason and the past year was difficult and challenging but I feel like I made some good choices for myself. I know that I have changed and grown as a person. I have become more stronger.

I finally figured out what the secret was I just needed to be happy and make some life changes to create that happiness. I know I have alot more power over my depression and it does not control my life anymore. I am not even sure that I struggle with depression as I did in my early twenties. I finally doing things for me...and not doing things to please others or trying to make them like me. I like myself. I can't decribe how it feels not to be tired and exhausted. I just feel really good now...I hope it stays this way for a while.

Work has been going good as well. I am thinking of moving to Toronto in the fall, I think the change is what I need. I also feel that grow as a person. I am also looking at going to surf camp in South America. I need to pratice my swimming skills but I think this would be a wonderful chance for me to do something different and fun plus it looks super physical. (my body finally feels strong as well as my soul).

Things are going to be alright...I hope my friend is ok...her is not doing well but I am trying to support her. Plus I hope I can have coffee with my friend Jen soon!

Fighter

i have been running for the last two months. It has been so good for my spirt. I hurt my leg on saturday so I have been going a little stir crazy cause I have not been at the gym. I have even lost ten pounds and I am working my done to my summer goal weight. Things have been pretty good for me. I thinking of coming soon I need a rest. I am finally registered for my courses. So looks like i will be starting those in a couple of weeks.

My hair is a mess this week I have big roots coming out everywhere. I made my colour appointment to late to have it done last weekend. I really knew better but I was just lazy "sigh". Somehow I knew Rene would be totally booked.

Heather has been joining me at the gym. She has been mostly speed walking but I am happy for her. She is starting to make some healthy choices.

I have been feeling kinda depressed the last couple of days. I don't know if it is because I can't run or just pms, oh well

gone away

Well one of my co workers has moved on to better things and I think we will all miss her. I feel alot of negative tension at work, lotsa of silliness and cat fighting. Everyone is stressed except me. I feel my job has been easier and now I am feeling the need to more on and do something different.

I have been shopping like crazy the last couple weeks. I think I spent like 5 hours at the WEM a couple of weekends ago and I bought nothing. I really want a new coach bag or prada one.

My soul is finally smiling again...and spring is out. I can't believe it is easter again wow what a year. I can't wait for the future but I am truly enjoying the moment.

Dark Angel with Diamonds for Eyes

The sun is coming out in my life. I had a truely restful trip back to BC. I saw almost everyone, I felt so healed and loved. Jes and I spent a beautiful afternoon walking around English Bay, he is soon leaving for New York City. I guess all things are changing and we all growing up and taking different paths. I truely I am happy for him. It is what he has always wanted. The snow is finally melting away here and I can seen the end and promised of a new future, things are finally coming together. Happy is doing well and growing up, he does not look like kitten anymore. He has such a gental soul.

I guess I am leaving soon. What an adventure! Who know!!!! I am so blessed to have such great friends and people who support and care. I think I can make it

Shall We Dance???

Here it is another Monday, oh my another week at work....another pile of paper work!!!???? oh my...I can't wait to go home next week, I really need to go shopping and I don't know what I want to buy...actually...I am having coffee tommorow evening..we will see how that goes.."poke"

one more week and a half till happy time!!!

this stinks

I am going home in 9 days and I am so excited. I just really want to leave for a bit. I had a huge panic attack at work this wednesday. It really bad and slowed me down in the afternoon, it took about 30 minutes for my body to calm down and for me to refocus on my work but I was so tired after all of it.

I can not wait to go to the island I am so excited to spend the weekend with lisa and It is going to be so much. yippie

Not part of a Joy Divison

I am looking for some new pics to add here....but i can not find the digital camera. Today i am full of engery, the last couple weeks, I have had more than ever in the last coupel of months crazy huh. I feel my depression is finally lifting. Sometimes it just rolling in like a fog I can not control and overwhelms me. Mostly I suffer from anxiety now...which occurs almost every monday. I guess cause it is the start of the week but I am not sure why. I just find mondays very isolating, lonely and stressful. (This could be also due to pressures at work). I screwed up on a foreign exchange transfer on friday. I have been trying to so hard not to do that...cause it screws up...so many different things. At least we caught it early before it did to much damage.

I have been trying hard to avoid being placed on meds. I do not want to be anti-depressants again. The effexor did not work. I do worry about Jes being on effexor so long...it was difficult for him to stop taking them. I found my brain had a hard time adjusting without the meds. Heather feels the meds make make a difference...in my anxiety. It is only when I feel very anxish do I think I need them. I just think I need to go through this...I am getting so much more better, each week is easier and my work has improved alot. I am not so spacey and withdrawnin.

I've been listening to alot of British New Wave. It is great and often reflects how I feel. The music has a happy beat and depressing lyrics. It is kinda the way I feel, like I am the happiest depressed person.....I am not sure what to do with this, I was told this years ago when I went to therapy years ago.

Does everyone listen to Keane

I love the "we meant as well be strangers song". I am so hooked on it. Well it is wednesday and I am in the middle of another work week but I did buy new glasses today. They are these really cool gucci frames. I am so excited about them and I finally found a tattoo I like for my back. It is a butterfly, tommorow I will have to show Heather to see what she thinks. If I did go through with it I will post a pic...I am caught I am not sure if I want to fly to coast in feburay...but I really want to go visit.
Airfare is so cheap right now too

Back to the Bell Jar

I am too sure what is going to happen but here I am trying to find some peace. Work has been good and I have been trying hard to limit my errors. I am trying to recover from the mistakes I made over the fall. I really did not make the best impression. I am truely happy my good friend has returned from France. I feel I am turning over a new leaf cause I keep waking up everyday with new dream. Why Why...I can't get sucked back in...but last weekend was rough one, I woke sunday morning crying feeling like prisonor to my own misery. I just felt empty. "sigh" Where are my Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton diaries. Will I always be stuck in the bell jar or grow out of this.

All fair with January Snow

Wow, Another year come and gone...I can't believe it. And what strange year it was. I am back here in the Prairies, and I am unsure of what to do with myself. I am at point where I wondering about moving or questioning if I should stay. This year will be filled with many new challenges but it looking like it will be interesting.

I miss happy so much it hard not having him close but he is growing up to be a fine kitty cat. My parents love him and I miss him so much