It's all flooding over me, my emotions ... learning to ask for what I need and not being afraid to ask. Learning to trust my self and I did nothing wrong.
This wednesday after dinner of chicken and sweet potato fries, I am waiting for my feet to tell me they are ready to run. Watching the clock I am aware of the time getting closer to 7ish. Wednesday afternoon is quiet and my desk was filled with small projets. I am excited about my week off at the end May. I am looking forward to some me and the closing off the CFA journey. I am also looking forward to spending my last weekend studying with my fellow students. It's time to see if we can move on....I am feeling brave but my body feels weak. I feeling more tired most morning and my apartment is starting to like a frat boy lives here. My kitchen less clean than my standards. Tired and focused 17 more days.
Not much is going through my mind...I miss talking to people but I lack time. I miss going away on weekends. Soon this ending...after June 1 time to chase rainbows.
Back to my 90 days no contact. I was really committed to not speaking to him...I had made it 60! no more beating myself up...back to the basics.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Claiming my Authentic Voice
I dreamt about a burger last night. I marinated thinking about going out for lunch today, so much I so exhausted when I woke up. I could not sleep my mind stirring from so thoughts passing through it. Passing onto their journey. My mind sleepless. I want to sleep, I want to be mind to slow down. Its working to resolve my pass .... which is no longer happening.
Today I have no clear vision for myself, no clear idea. Lately I've been thinking about my family of origin and how I came to this place. Days where I wanted to hear I was good...good enough... instead of being hearing what was wrong or what was not wanted. I desired so badly for someone to stand up for me. Love me care for me ... protect me. I choose men who did not want to stand beside me. I secretly hoped they could remind my mind... and choose me...and give me what my parents denied me. Most days in my youth I was scared...scared to speak and address my needs. I felt basic needs where not met and I was alone struggling by myself. I sat at the end of table myself and my sister next to my mom. This was reminder she did not have time for me. Craved alone one on one time with mom but she always included my sister. This spilled over into relationships as I choose men who had their own agenda which did not include me. And I sat silently and never addressed my needs as I feared I would make them uncomfortable. If the men were uncomfortable they would leave me.
It's mid May in Vancouver and the weather is beautiful and have slowly turned to beach season. Sunshine greats me every morning when I walk to work. I miss seeing the sun as I sit in room with no windows, which i feel is depressing. I miss the sun or any view.
I sent Grant one last final email. I finally told him, how I felt and how I was deeply ashamed of our relationship but I felt mostly stupid about dating a separated man. It felt somehow good to express this to him. I feel healed but after talking to him last friday I felt wound of our relationship reopen again. This causing me some grief. I seek being alone. He never saw my tears, I've learned this week I do not want to spend anymore time grieving a man who held my best interests to his heart.
My journey and work is with my mat. Breathing into my body, I love the breath...the art...oh hatha yoga. You fill my soul my joy and belief I am truly loved by myself first.
Today I have no clear vision for myself, no clear idea. Lately I've been thinking about my family of origin and how I came to this place. Days where I wanted to hear I was good...good enough... instead of being hearing what was wrong or what was not wanted. I desired so badly for someone to stand up for me. Love me care for me ... protect me. I choose men who did not want to stand beside me. I secretly hoped they could remind my mind... and choose me...and give me what my parents denied me. Most days in my youth I was scared...scared to speak and address my needs. I felt basic needs where not met and I was alone struggling by myself. I sat at the end of table myself and my sister next to my mom. This was reminder she did not have time for me. Craved alone one on one time with mom but she always included my sister. This spilled over into relationships as I choose men who had their own agenda which did not include me. And I sat silently and never addressed my needs as I feared I would make them uncomfortable. If the men were uncomfortable they would leave me.
It's mid May in Vancouver and the weather is beautiful and have slowly turned to beach season. Sunshine greats me every morning when I walk to work. I miss seeing the sun as I sit in room with no windows, which i feel is depressing. I miss the sun or any view.
I sent Grant one last final email. I finally told him, how I felt and how I was deeply ashamed of our relationship but I felt mostly stupid about dating a separated man. It felt somehow good to express this to him. I feel healed but after talking to him last friday I felt wound of our relationship reopen again. This causing me some grief. I seek being alone. He never saw my tears, I've learned this week I do not want to spend anymore time grieving a man who held my best interests to his heart.
My journey and work is with my mat. Breathing into my body, I love the breath...the art...oh hatha yoga. You fill my soul my joy and belief I am truly loved by myself first.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Walking into the Light
We do not see Things as they are, We see things as we are Anais Nin
Tonight I am craving a Rumi poem. I craving his peace, his words flow over my mind as it stirs...so busy, my mind chatters and wakes me. It is unsettled... questioning waiting for the sun to rise. Waiting for myself to feel brave. I brace myself for the challenges, I brace myself to be brave and see things differently.
This week I had wonderful monday evening with Roop at Carderos. The meal was amazing and so was the friendship. I loved talking to him and sharing the warm city night with him. I was truly blessed to spend time with him. He made my week brighter. I was sad on wednesday when he left, I miss my friends or maybe the interaction with them. Why do I feel so unsettled when I am alone. What does this bring me discomfort? How to do I settle my mind into the night.
My exam has brought new challenges ....time is slowly disapearing and I am truly at study crunch time. I did not do as well as I wanted to at the Boston Mock exam. I spend a 40 minutes beating myself up. I need to trust myself...I know I am truly on the edge of great things...and this is my moment to be brave....Oh ...I ache... my mind wants to lead me ..... my heart knows... no sword... I follow my soul deep into the extreme.
My memories...all the pictures...drifting ...I am back to being present ...this week .. I was not. I missed yoga...I know..when I fall off balance...I lose touch with present and I need to come back to this place of stillness. I need to find the stillness in my soul.
Rumi on the Outside
The patio door is open...and Rumi waits outside
He wants to come in..to share tea with me
He wants to watch the sunset with me and touch my body
He asked me why I am so sad and afraid
Rumi craves me, he still loves me
Tonight I am craving a Rumi poem. I craving his peace, his words flow over my mind as it stirs...so busy, my mind chatters and wakes me. It is unsettled... questioning waiting for the sun to rise. Waiting for myself to feel brave. I brace myself for the challenges, I brace myself to be brave and see things differently.
This week I had wonderful monday evening with Roop at Carderos. The meal was amazing and so was the friendship. I loved talking to him and sharing the warm city night with him. I was truly blessed to spend time with him. He made my week brighter. I was sad on wednesday when he left, I miss my friends or maybe the interaction with them. Why do I feel so unsettled when I am alone. What does this bring me discomfort? How to do I settle my mind into the night.
My exam has brought new challenges ....time is slowly disapearing and I am truly at study crunch time. I did not do as well as I wanted to at the Boston Mock exam. I spend a 40 minutes beating myself up. I need to trust myself...I know I am truly on the edge of great things...and this is my moment to be brave....Oh ...I ache... my mind wants to lead me ..... my heart knows... no sword... I follow my soul deep into the extreme.
My memories...all the pictures...drifting ...I am back to being present ...this week .. I was not. I missed yoga...I know..when I fall off balance...I lose touch with present and I need to come back to this place of stillness. I need to find the stillness in my soul.
Rumi on the Outside
The patio door is open...and Rumi waits outside
He wants to come in..to share tea with me
He wants to watch the sunset with me and touch my body
He asked me why I am so sad and afraid
Rumi craves me, he still loves me
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