Incinerator Rock

Wednesday evening is passing quickly and the sun has set. This week has been a mix of emotions for me. Sunday night I was very angry at myself for my lack of knowledge and how I had limited progress with the CFA program. The material is dense and lotsa of it. I struggle to follow all of the points. I realized time is slowly slipping away...and the exam is less seventy days. I feel the finish line is coming and I can see the end. I want to believe and I keep reminding myself I can do this. While running Sunday night I saw the Incinerator Rock, it's in the ocean near Tofino. I saw it rising above the storms...and waves. I knew I can make it. So here I am...studying again. I keep running....but my jaw hurts from the stress....the CFA is forcing me to look deep inside of myself....and ask myself the hard questions.....I don't know...how to stop being angry at myself..but I need the challenge...somehow I feel doing this ..is start of another amazing journey to enlightment and learning to learn with courage. 

I finished Wild by Cheryl Strayed. I have never finished an Oprah book club book. But it was an amazing read. Her journey is encouraging. Having lost serval toe nails myself from my first year of running...I can relate to the bruised feet. 

My lover is distance again. Is the universe whispering to me...his sister canceled her wedding. I understand the distance but I am jealous...with the attention she is receiving. No one is paying attention to me...right now...or at least I need to stop thinking that......no more sad story from this girl...I am flying high......so...he is suppose to arrive next tuesday but that is still...not confirmed..oh well...really it's more time to study and clean. And I'm going to Parkville in October. Secretly I might be becoming BC ferries biggest fan. 

Work is better...and I am finally gelling with the guys in the office...I made an effort to be nice...and try to open myself up. .....all things are possible and I am truly blessed...as my Roop said...you went surfing in ocean...you can do anything...and I believe him...cause I have the Incinerator Rock on myside rising up...over...all... Love Hugs...

The New Dress

My lover and I are attending a wedding at the end of September. I was not sure he was going to invite me when he first told me about his childhood friend getting married. My lover is the best man. Last week I realized I had nothing to wear. My closet empty. I have only been invited to family's weddings none of my friends have either invited in to those. I realized shopping none of my close friends are married.

This morning I woke up...after a terrible nightmare. I could not sleep last night...I was angry after my meeting with Linda. I was angry about my relationship. I was angry at him...and had not forgiven. The angry seems to be serving me. I dreamed he was breaking up with me over the phone. He said he could no longer stay in the relationship....I begged him to rethink the decision. I cried...and sobbed. I woke up in my room alone. Scared and alone...feeling afraid. I am so angry at him. I don't want to be second. It's not my lover I am angry at ...it's the childhood wound of not being good enough...of always being second or feeling my needs where not meet. I felt growing up...it was ok...to disapointment me...but not others...such as family or friends or even strangers. Somehow it was assumed I was stronger and would be ok...with second place. I have managed to stop being angry at my mother but have I transplanted the angry to towards him. Asking him to complete a nearly impossible task. This my wound talking...oh how it hurts. My story is different now...I am stronger...and braver...I have done.....and I will be kinder to myself...Today I am allowed to love myself. I feel beautiful...

Create what you want instead of being stuck in what you dont have....

I went downtown to find a dress for the wedding...I drift amongst the football fans and teenagers. Each dress didn't fit...till I went to Zara...and found a tight black dress. It was beautiful and more than I wanted to spend. I handed the lady my visa card. Another debt I'll have to pay off. But I felt like I sparkled in it.

I walked to Chapters to buy a copy of Wild. I wanted to read it...I was so excited about a women backpacking alone along the Pacific Crest Trail. I heart and feel her story. Sometimes the we finally find what fills our souls. I love downtown Vancouver feels so alive with people busy...going places. going home....my home is here. my heart near the pacific ......

Today was my gift day. I took the day off from studying...and bought a new dress. I am trying to be kinder to myself. Read slower....and breath...I need to stop my mind from running away with the story. I am taken care of....and the universe has a plan...

The Weight I Still Carry

Today was my last eye appointment at St Pauls. I started the morning off tired, I feel asleep around 12 ...to late to feel rested for work. I still stirring, my mind angry about my lovers on going divorce. I want it to end...I want to be self fish...and stop allowing this grief into myself. I don't know this women but I feel her...around my thoughts and stirring my emotions from across the rockies. This morning...I was committing myself to happiness and moving forward with my heart open. Letting my heart guide me and my choices. Letting my heart ...not bear the emotional cost of someone else's pain ...and hurt. Deep inside of myself I allow their dissolving relationship ...link into mine...bring darkness instead of light. I do not want to bring myself into this place. I question...what value is he bringing into my life and is he taking my light energy because he can create this himself. Who's energy is stirring inside of me...and how can not let it control...me...

I left work around 8:45 running down Lonsdale to catch the 9 am seabus across to the city. The ride was enjoyable as I looked to Stanley Park in the distance. Cities feel alive to me in the morning. It's like they breath and world wakes up around them. I love being a people watcher...watching those...so in step or out of step with life......so many people ...but very little connections. I am conscience of the moment...the moment of September 12 fills me at 9:26 leaving Burrard Station. My walk to St Pauls was in the sun.

The needle was big, I didn't realize the needle would be in my hand the entire photography sessions. Once it was placed into my body...I lost control. My body became faint...and they nurse's laid me down in the next room, resting with cold clothes on me. It was the first time someone else had taken care of me, since I moved to Vancouver in 2002. Was it really 10 years since I lost control...and let strangers help me. I guess nurses are paid to do their job but somehow I felt comfort and calm.

I lay in the dark room...thinking resting....and relieved. I felt calm as an older lady recalled all of her past family members who had died at St Pauls. Was she planning to be next.

It's calm inside for now.... no storm...just me letting go...and choosing to step aside...back to studying...for my CFA... :)

Runaway in the Wild

Feels like fall and the rain season has started on the North Shore. My hips are so tight from running my body aches and misses the weekly yoga sessions. It needs to breath and exhale. I am having trouble balancing my commitments running, yoga, studying. I don't have enough time for everything. So my body is suffering in tightness. Each step it moans...I know..the CFA is beating me up.

I am half through the CFA marathon, and less than 70 days till exam date. I can already feel it ....I can feel it coming. I know...I will be prepared. Each day I think it about, almost every moment the exam is haunting my mind. CFA is my new boyfriend. It seduces me, makes me nervous makes my mind weak.  Takes away my energy and makes me angry. Each emotion I face...each emotion feel deep inside of me...I know I can do..I know..I am half way there ... the story I tell myself...I am taken care of ...I will be ok...trust and love.

The Lonsdale Quay was busy today with lotsa back to school shopping, I was nearly squished trying to buy fresh soup for lunch. I sat by the water, ate tiger butter and talked to Stacy. I wondered what my life would be life if I had friends like Stacy living in Vancouver.

Today was a slow sunday, woke up waked Oprah, studied and went to the market. My lover called this afternoon to check in. Since August he has made himself more attentive since I have pulled back from him. I realized after my birthday, I would be ok without him. Was the relationship worth saving .... if he can't call on my birthday. I was not so sure. However, I've noticed a change in him...since Tofino he has made an effort to step up and be a partner. He asked me last week again to move back to Edmonton. I am still uncertain if I will move back or if I want to move ....I don't have to decide today...

Today I am at peace with everything in my life...all feels good and quiet and I can handle that.

Tofino, Tacos and Oatmeal Breakfast

Last weekend I went on a epic surf adventure with my friend Lisa for the labour day long weekend. It was amazing refreshing and spiritual. I felt like I had come home into myself. All the grief I was feeling gone....and washed away. A new me...more stronger and bolder, like good cup of coffee...I think I drank to much coffee over weekend and ate alot. All good...I finally starting to feel less bloated. The forest is beautiful and reminds me all things are possible. I felt hope and peace and nothing really mattered most of all I felt like I was not in trouble. I had this same feeling 5 years ago in California. I can try to stop chasing peace. I might be enough to love.

We stayed in a motel in Port Alberni, family owned. The room was modest and had cow mugs. Lisa and I went for nachos at the small pub in town. It made me think of Chilliwack. The menu had a list of everything from steaks, pizza, to noodle dishes. It bought back memories. It has been a while since Lisa and I traveled together mostly because I was living in Alberta.

Our resort in Tofino was amazing, we had an upgrade to a cottage. We each had our own rooms and bathrooms. It was beautiful and an awesome reward. Last weekend felt like the best way to end summer of 2012. We are truly blessed. I enjoy the ferry ride, I lived in the Prairies to long. I know I am not ready to return and I wont return for just a man.

I forgot how much I loved being the ocean, I was feeling fearful...but it felt sooo good to be brave to try something that scared me. I was only afraid for the first 10 minutes after I let go and had fun. I was inspired by Lisa who confessed she has had a swimming lesson since age 5. Both of us felt refreshed and relaxed, we didn't want to return to the city to our regular life. It is possible to keep this feeling forever??? I want to find this feeling and hold on it. I think I have to try different things and keep getting bolder.

Work is better, I am trying hard and my manager went on stress leave which is a big throne out of my side. Things at the branch are running smoother. I felt better at work and less blamed. All things have a way of sorting themselves out.

My lover wants me to move home with him.....in January but I am not ready to go. I am not ready for life with two children or a relationship in Edmonton. Mostly I don't want to leave Vancouver. I really don't want to discuss it with him...I need more time here. I guess if he wants to wait he can...I know this is my choice...

Need to find the Tacofino in Vancouver. So much to look forward to ....I finally adjusting to Vancouver and embracing my new life here. Hello....good fortune.. :)