I'm so confused. How did I get so lost and get it all wrong. All another session in therapy it was suggested I need more long term care and something more intense. I am worried about these words, they made me worried and make me wonder if I can recover. She seemed deeply concerned about my eating habits and me not being present, like I was sleeping in life. This is true. I'm always exhausted burned out feeling tired. I just feeling beaten up by life in general. As I blogged before I'm not sure where to turn to for help. I just the maybe like the therapist suggest the clinic at the university could help. I'm just not sure if I want to commit to treatment lasting 20 hours a week. It's like extreme rehab. I don't know if I have the time, I don't know if I commit the time...and the all what is required. I don't want to put my life on hold to do this...but all of my issues are causing me to put my life on hold anyways.
I am checking my assertive checklist to see it I can follow any of these rules. *FuCk* I'm not good at any rules, I have not been good at this since grade five class with Mrs. Hutchings. My life is turning into a HOLE soundtrack "Live through This". How did I get so discouraged and disconnected from goals.
Yesterday she asked me about relationships...I replied I can't be in one. It wont be loving and I will be resentful of being a prostitute. If I can stick to one goal it's to stay away from men. Lately I don't even feel attractive. I don't feel like I am living in my own body anymore. Maybe I'm not present here cause I'm so uncomfortable and detracted from life. My core is rotting inside of me. Today i'm still ugly and punishing myself with this negative soundtrack in my mind.
I woke at 4:30 am tired and exhausted. I made a choice not to go to work...and stay in bed. I slept till 11:30 am. Finally I went to the university to have my paper completed and signed by the register. The campus was refreshing to be on again. I felt a little alive and it was nice to be doing something different than sitting at desk. I could rest and kinda breath again. I did try to be present and not drift away. After going to campus I went to the movies. I did really want to be in apartment cause it's a mess, I have not cleaned it yet....it reflects how i feel.
This weekend a co worker died in a motocycle accident. I felt bad for moment but I was not crushed by it. I was not moved to post facebook messages to his family and act like a funeral groupee. It made me realize I can't feel anything...not love, not happiness and not even death.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
I am Kind, Compassionate, and Gentle with Myself
Today was friday and I am giving myself the same privileges, I would give my friends or co workers. For some reason I slide backwards after a great evening out and opening myself up to possibilities with outsiders. I still very uncomfortable with social interactions, I have declined a co workers birthday tonight as I don't feel like leaving my apartment. I am choosing to let my negative opinions affect the way I interact with others. Its sad because tonight I do not feel like I deserve to be around people who accept me and people who want to meet me. I don't understand why I am choosing to live in this environment. I want to stop trapping myself. I want to be kind and gentle and have acceptance. I need to stop fearing people and that they don't like me or want to spend time with me. I know this to not be true, as I am invited out by friends.
Last night I had drinks with old friends from the bank branch, it was wonder to spend time with people. This experience is showing me maybe I can not be so guarded at work. I work on being less guarded in general. I loved the sangria we drank and the grilled eggplant, tomato and feta cheese. The food has so many flavors to taste. It was one of those warm humid summer nights in june. The kind were your body feels all sticky. My nylons sticking to my legs, as I keep them crossed under the table.
I finally have a new computer, I am excited about my new mac pro! After ten years of being a student I finally have my own lab top! When I purchased it, the guy at the counter asked I had been the military. I was confused, I don't think I look like an ex solider. I don't wear a helmet The distressed look on my face wanted order and rules. I want to follow instructions. I want to belong. Secretly I want to be all you can be, and sometimes more! I had a terrible time opening the lab top, I had to call apple tech support. This was very humbling, but apple does provide excellent service.
For the first times since ...... I started with the bank I am taking a week and half of vacation. I use to not feel entitled to time off in the summer being a student or that other employees had more pressing plans. So this year I booked off July 25 to August 3, I am not sure what I am going to do with myself but I have starting to get plenty of options. I am also looking at traveling to Mexico a yoga retreat. I might want to open myself up to the possibilities of traveling with a group and doing an activity I love and get enjoyment.
I am not sure where the feeling of lack of entitlement comes from. I treat myself like a second class citizen. Writing these words make me sad. I think the theme for this year is finally coming clear. it's time to put myself first! I'm important too. I have let ex boyfriends and bad grade school memories scar me. I dont want to carry these anymore, put them behind me. I am looking forward to the new challenges this awareness will bring.
Last night I had drinks with old friends from the bank branch, it was wonder to spend time with people. This experience is showing me maybe I can not be so guarded at work. I work on being less guarded in general. I loved the sangria we drank and the grilled eggplant, tomato and feta cheese. The food has so many flavors to taste. It was one of those warm humid summer nights in june. The kind were your body feels all sticky. My nylons sticking to my legs, as I keep them crossed under the table.
I finally have a new computer, I am excited about my new mac pro! After ten years of being a student I finally have my own lab top! When I purchased it, the guy at the counter asked I had been the military. I was confused, I don't think I look like an ex solider. I don't wear a helmet The distressed look on my face wanted order and rules. I want to follow instructions. I want to belong. Secretly I want to be all you can be, and sometimes more! I had a terrible time opening the lab top, I had to call apple tech support. This was very humbling, but apple does provide excellent service.
For the first times since ...... I started with the bank I am taking a week and half of vacation. I use to not feel entitled to time off in the summer being a student or that other employees had more pressing plans. So this year I booked off July 25 to August 3, I am not sure what I am going to do with myself but I have starting to get plenty of options. I am also looking at traveling to Mexico a yoga retreat. I might want to open myself up to the possibilities of traveling with a group and doing an activity I love and get enjoyment.
I am not sure where the feeling of lack of entitlement comes from. I treat myself like a second class citizen. Writing these words make me sad. I think the theme for this year is finally coming clear. it's time to put myself first! I'm important too. I have let ex boyfriends and bad grade school memories scar me. I dont want to carry these anymore, put them behind me. I am looking forward to the new challenges this awareness will bring.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Prana: Make Energy Inside
After three days of yoga, I can finally feel space and lightness within me. The tightness is slowly melting away and my heart awaking to peace. The warm summer air and light is coming through my patio window and I feel peaceful and almost fulfilled. The sun much like Sunday yoga class is comforting and surrounded by summer's energy.
Last week I had a much need rest in Vancouver, the weekend was wonderful and I spend a blissful Saturday at the beach with Rob. It was the first time in months I felt peaceful and light. I can't believe how a simple nap on the beach changes the outlook of everything. I felt very blessed and special to attend the SA conference. I was more than happy to spend two nights at the Four Seasons in Vancouver :) It's a wonderful hotel, plus the bed was heaven! Sunday night Rob and I swan in the pool that is half inside and half outside. I'm not sure if I have future with Rob but I am so comfortable with him. I never have a restful sleep and somehow I feel like I belong in bed next to him. All things about last week were familiar and comfortable. Kitsalino, the beach, shopping on Robson street, Rob making dinner and a belini at Milestone. I miss the mountains. The view from the 29th floor of the TD tower is stunning!!!! It made me want to stay and not leave...is this my home??? Somehow the valley is always going to be home...but so 104th street in here Edmonton. I'm so confused. The west coast is always my smiling face. Maybe my soulmate is across the rockies and maybe he was always there. How could I have found a soul mate at nineteen. Rob might be more than comfortable couch. I do have to give him credit for being there for the last 11 years. Sometimes I image us getting married on the beach in a simple service with a small group of people.
This week I was more happier at work and more relaxed. The desk did not feel like an uncomfortable blister. I was visited for lunch by a client...I was happy to spend time with him. It's nice to know someone acknowledges the effort you make!
Summer is always a time...to grow...I am learning to let others in and see me...and let some go. I don't need to be so private and afraid of people. Maybe I learn to be myself. After all this blog is a reflection of myself in the most intimate way. I wear a *smile* this sunday, not a pretend one for co-workers, but one that comes deep from within.
I know...when I see the night sky...tonight, a comet has a tail like my grin.
Last week I had a much need rest in Vancouver, the weekend was wonderful and I spend a blissful Saturday at the beach with Rob. It was the first time in months I felt peaceful and light. I can't believe how a simple nap on the beach changes the outlook of everything. I felt very blessed and special to attend the SA conference. I was more than happy to spend two nights at the Four Seasons in Vancouver :) It's a wonderful hotel, plus the bed was heaven! Sunday night Rob and I swan in the pool that is half inside and half outside. I'm not sure if I have future with Rob but I am so comfortable with him. I never have a restful sleep and somehow I feel like I belong in bed next to him. All things about last week were familiar and comfortable. Kitsalino, the beach, shopping on Robson street, Rob making dinner and a belini at Milestone. I miss the mountains. The view from the 29th floor of the TD tower is stunning!!!! It made me want to stay and not leave...is this my home??? Somehow the valley is always going to be home...but so 104th street in here Edmonton. I'm so confused. The west coast is always my smiling face. Maybe my soulmate is across the rockies and maybe he was always there. How could I have found a soul mate at nineteen. Rob might be more than comfortable couch. I do have to give him credit for being there for the last 11 years. Sometimes I image us getting married on the beach in a simple service with a small group of people.
This week I was more happier at work and more relaxed. The desk did not feel like an uncomfortable blister. I was visited for lunch by a client...I was happy to spend time with him. It's nice to know someone acknowledges the effort you make!
Summer is always a time...to grow...I am learning to let others in and see me...and let some go. I don't need to be so private and afraid of people. Maybe I learn to be myself. After all this blog is a reflection of myself in the most intimate way. I wear a *smile* this sunday, not a pretend one for co-workers, but one that comes deep from within.
I know...when I see the night sky...tonight, a comet has a tail like my grin.
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