Pacific

I need a day off. I am slowing becoming numb to my office and my co workers. Each day the tension is growing, and I feel like nothing I say is comforting. I slowing thinking maybe I have to many opinions. Maybe I am distracting others...maybe I need to stop thinking with negative voices in my head. Maybe the change needs to happen within me...and this is why I am tired and uptight. I want to let go and I want to not be in control. I want to allow my body to relax. I want my mind to be silence...and I want to just see me. If only women were allowed in this world to be who they really wanted to be. I'm scared to love me.

I am rethinking New Zealand, I am letting doubts and fears take over...all of the what if's...all of the external I can not control. All my fears of being alone...right now I am not sure if being alone is better than being right or with someone. I am leaving in 5 months...wow...feels so close.

Secretly at work I wear a smile. I try to make my life sound fabulous, fun and sexy. Do they know I hurt inside, they don't know I wish sometimes..I would not wake up. Cause you are sleepwalking in this life. I'm so tired of having to justify ME! Secretly I wish I was a housewife with vacuuming away her days. At least I would have someone to look forward to when they came home.

RULES for TOMORROW!

No voicing opinions. It does not matter if you think you are right or you want to tell your story!

Be positive, no negative talk about clients or their lifestyle choices. Embrace them for their individuality. Clients are people too! They want just want to be heard and understood.

Your job is wonderful. provide the best admin support, you have not been your best lately, but tomorrow is going to be an amazing day! So much to look forward to.

No talking about the past, it is not happening anymore. The now is the only thing defining you.

Do not feel the need to justify being 30 and single. It's ok...your not a freak. The general population does not think this... *smile* and enjoy this part of yourlife!

Work hard running and at boot camp!

Focus on the Internal not the External!

Mondays: tired, beat up, cranky, routine. Oatmeal???

Why does every Monday feel the same. Today I feel exhausted, I'm waiting, I'm living the future (which is not healthy either). This morning started off the same, running at the gym, each week I go a little faster. I am working towards to my goal of getting out of my fitness rut. My hips hurt and my right hip is sore but I keep going...it does not feel painful till I stop. I guess I need to get the fluid pushed out of it again. I look at my waist "sigh" not getting smaller, staying the same. I need to let go, let go of the control I have taken over my life. I can't control when I get a craving for certain foods but I can control when I eat it.

I'm not lonely on Monday, I have to much work to catch up on...too many emails to read and reply to. The work and my spread sheets keep me busy. This Monday was a little mysterious, Erica cut her hair and a new girl arrived. I'm not the only blonde in the office. Actually I am now the older blonde. Since turning 30, I am facing my biggest fears. AGING. What will define me...when I have wrinkles and saggy skin. How will people remember me??? Will people like me. Sometimes, those bookish girls were smart because they did not investment themselves in beauty. People are not surprised when they age and live alone with cats. I am struggling with youth...and letting go...I'm not sure with what 30 looks like...and how I should live...??? I feel I am becoming invisable. I'm not sure how comfortable I am with myself right now.

When I walk home...I look at the all the other faces...and I can't seem to see my own. I want to hide and cry.

I love the 90's

It's funny to think the 90's were almost ten years ago! I spent my teens in the 90's, they did not seem very memorable till this morning at spin class. My spin instructor Pauline had us warm up to the Cranberries. I was flooded with memories of grade ten and hanging out with Lisa at coffee shops in Chilliwack. "Afterthoughts" the local coffee shop by the Paramount theater was a favorite. We would eat cheesecake, drink tea and complain of our lack of freedoms and choices we had in life. Somehow Chilliwack had made us feel our lives where limited, dull and undesirable. Recently my father bought me a book by Mette Bach who wrote about growing in North Delta. We all struggled depressed to escape. I always thought there was something more to my life than Chilliwack. Although today I still let Chilliwack define a large of my identity after all these year. I always feel I have something to prove to everyone even if no one in my life knows the teenage me. Now I have grown not to be so suicidal after all.

Last night I went to Bikram yoga, class was lead by my least favorite instructor DAVE! Dave has his hate on for my bikram triangle. I know my hips sticks up and I should lunge deeper. I survived around class of bikram along with spin instructor Pauline by myside! We both giggled we attend the same yoga studio. At least she also uses the towel for her triangle. So sweat is pouring all out of me...and everywhere! I am a dripping puddle. I am not sure why I keep going back but I do love the grow my skin has after each class, it makes the unbearable heat worth it. Leaving me feeling fresh for today.

Stacy, her friend Katrina and I went to the Russian Tea Room to have our cards read. Paul once again did a great job. He confirmed he did see me moving around to New Zealand, although he said there was alot of opportunities for me in Melbourne Australia! He said my last ex was dull and difficult to talk to cause he was dropped on his head! I laughed cause it was so silly and I do want to be in New Zealand or Australia in October! It was a nice afternoon to hang out and have a laugh.

Today there are many things that I have gratitude for my bikram yoga class, spin instructor Pauline and her 90's music. The Cranberries and R.E.M! (I can't tell you how much happiness this music has bought me in the last 2 hours). Bubble Tea and those brave enough to write naked puts on BP! I'm just having to much fun!

Cheap Thursday

Most days I feel damaged and disoriented. I can't remember a time in my life before this feeling. I think it started in grade five. Grade Five was the first year I remember finding it hard to fit in with my peer. It was first time I felt isolated at elementary school. I think most people feel this way at sometime point in grade school. My experience seemed to have a lasting effective on the way I interact with the world. Sometimes I think everyone dislikes me, I am working on recognizing this negative thought pattern and trying to replace it with something positive. What has happened in the past is not always true in the present. These events are no longer happening NOW!

I woke up very rested this morning, went for a run and I found myself on my regular muffin walk around 10:00 am. I got sucked into High Grade looking at jeans. Since it was pay day I have extra cash in my bank account. I did not get a bubble tea this afternoon. I ran away from Starbucks line. I did not want to have a conversation with an ex who was purchasing coffee. He is recently engaged to a girl he dated shortly after me. I don't want to have an awkward conversation and have to justify being single because I have to do this at most staff events. Lately I have been absent from most. I just do not want to get to comfortable and start being absent from most of life.

I went to boot camp with Allyson. I felt sick, and I realized how out of shape my core is. I was tired after the warm up. Wow, the program kicked my but and I am far away from my fitness goal. I need to do more of these kinda exercises.

For 2011 I need to work my list of goals for myself. :)
9:00 pm almost bed time.......I need to sleep and get ready for my false start tomorrow...aka work..

To MRKT I go....

I love a good wine bar and a meal! Nothing is more peaceful than sitting a small wine bar having a good meal. A couple of hours ago I had dinner at MRKT with my good friend Stacy, it had been while since we both had a conversation with out interruption and MRKT is funny word in both of ours vocabulary. I forget sometimes how much I enjoy my time with friends listening to them talk over chocolate cake with cream cheese sauce and fresh berries. I think of how much we both have grown. I enjoy her conversation and peace. My friends are often my family, as sometimes they are distance and I feel misunderstood to them. Patience and peace have been pumping through my veins, as wait. I am comfort with the stillness I feel. I am not afraid of the drop. Today was a new day.

It started snowing again, this winter is longest winter since the first year I move here. It wants to keep reminding me what I am going to be leaving soon before the autumn journey.

Work is always work....and this Wednesday was not that unusual. I have my regular walk to Subway with Anita and Jessica, the usual joke about co workers and last year's Christmas party. The vanilla pear muffin on my desk which I inhaled by 10:30. Sometimes I break to day dream between streaming quotes and headlines in the national post. I am keep company by my co workers who diligent, organized and professional.

Unlike previous jobs, my morning retinue starts at 4:45, with my cell alarm waking me up. I head to the gym for an sixty minute run and at my desk for market open at 7:30. Markets are common theme in my life lately, their streaming moodiness purges me of any creative desires. We all suffer when the market does poorly. I start my coffee break later and someone else has to work an addition five years till retirement.

I love French Men, Trade Corrections and Cheap Latte Tuesday

I was lost till I realized his was ordinary, How did I not see this in 2006. In his text night it was so clear he was just an ordinary guy. I don't want to force anything he texts me...as he cancels for pizza last night. He could of just lied and said he did not want to wash his sheets cause they were dirty. I was not disappointed, for the first knew I would be ok to let him go. I do not benefit anymore from his existence in my life. I feel blessed and free. I more confident blonde tucks herself in and falls asleep. Amen.

I made no new posts in 2010. I can tell you I keep a gratitude journal for most of last year. I might add some details from it.

Highlights from 2010. I started a new job as an assistant for two investment advisors. I was devastated in the interview, I reminded again my spelling and grammar skill are one of a ESL student. This is ok..I do not let it deferred me from writing. Especially when blogger now has an excellent spell check or maybe I just started using it more effectively. Still I made my first trading error ever today, which is why I am returning to writing in my blog again tonight...Sometimes...I wish I was a rock star in disguise, instead I am trapped at a desk with a neon green growing excel spread sheet.

I walked away from two relationships last year, the first in Jan and the other in Dec. January man was harder to leave because of the physical chemistry. I missed him but i know it was a healthy break up because we wanted different things. The other in Dec lacked chemistry and was a friendship gone bad. I guess knowing now it's bad to rebound with friends, but who does not say no when someone buys you a Louis Vuitton bag. No I did return it and I did send him an email telling him he was bad in bed and need to use his fucking treadmill.

I travelled to Germany. France and Switzerland and the regular Seattle trip. I fell in love with French men...and French dishes and lamps...everything France. It was a magical day they only DAY in the whole trip we went to France! My soul felt happy. Kolhn Germany smells amazing...and the Gothic cathedral stunning! You can never have enough German shoes. My toes almost froze off my feet, for the first time the World War II books made sense, your toes can freeze off.

I had my 30th birthday, Happy 6 year blog! Turning 30 is a milestone. I woke up and the city was full of smoke from forest fires. Somehow it was telling me something...Turning 30 has been awkward. I have 30 something growing pains. You wake up and nothing really changes just your age...men who desired you yesterday now...ignore you because of your excess baggage. For the first time people started talking to me in elevators and I finally felt old enough to buy a white coat and pay for dry cleaning. I might finally get more comfortable in my own skin. I might allow myself to be more accessible to others. The list of things I should of done in my twenties studied more, travelled smoked less pot...really did not matter anymore...I had arrived at this destination and told to embark HELLO welcome to 30! I know sport an extra hula hoop of skin around my waist. Somehow this train wreck is managing to stay on track.

At the yoga the other my teacher told me to lose the monkey on my back...I giggled....I had another yoga teacher hold my sweaty feet. He pushed me at time when I did needed support and to be reminded to wear smile and breath.

This past year my friends have been the pillars of support in my life. They know they are...I will always be blessed with inspiring conversations with my friend Hafsah. I found a lost friend Jes, have communicated very little until West Jet brought us together on a Christmas Eve flight to Abbotsford. And to Rob my ever present rock for the last 11 years.

I am not sure what the theme of 2011 is yet....2009 year of me, 2010 year of growth....2011 year of the great move??? I am working to works moving to New Zealand for Thanksgiving. I am going to be thankful in the small town of Dunedin.

Somehow today I walked through Holts and did not look at shoes...are material goods...losing their grip on me???

I am excited and truly blessed for the all opportunities in my life.