Another year and another trip to California! I wanted to go back to California all year but once there ... I wasn't feeling fulfilled. I'm not sure what was more fun planning the trip or traveling. So here I am .... after all these years. Wondering what when life will feel like something. I still feel like I am in a bubble.
This year I celebrated my 38 birthday and for the first time I do not like my face and it feels like a stranger to me. This isn't me .... I'm a stranger in a body which is aging without me. I still need to write more ... I missed so tracking so much of this summer. Most of this summer I worked and stayed at home with a week off.
Back to my last post .. yes who is the girl who still writes poems! Who is I am now ....
Back to Cali - I finally took three weeks off - it was first time in a while I took extended time off but it still didn't feel like enough. The only goal I am working towards now is a leave of absence and passing my exam in November. This memory is so different than trip I had in 2008. I am a women now and I have women's body. I do not feel like I have a women's mind. I do not know how to deal with so much death. So many clients are losing their spouses ... I do not have words for them ... I feel like can sense my lack of courage towards their experience.
The Oregon coast felt fresh and different all the places of childhood no longer feeling like childhood memories. Bring Georgia down the coast made it different. I still love the south of Oregon, the cliffs and beaches. The spare .... and something free. Stayed in Fort Bragg for a couple of days .... which felt like southern Oregon expect food gets better in Cali. Fort Bragg is strange place ... somehow I could find myself living there. San Franciso has not changed since I sent there October 2008. It's still expensive and difficult for me. I was sick my last night in San Fran .... now ... I wish we had spent more time in Huntington Beach .... something about huntington Beach is special to me.... it's been over ten years since I traveled there. the beach is magical and the stores and restaurants ..... its now my pacific coast go to spot .....i love the deck on at the hotel. Each morning we sat outside and had tea and coffee. Each evening we ate dinner their together watching the view and the sunset. I wish to see that view forever. How long is forever .... I still do know ... (I can't believe I have written in this blog for over ten years ... it such an interesting record of my life and thoughts.
work is back to desk ..... I keep questioning ...who is this girl ... who loves this job .... what can i do beyond this space ... I have it good ... as time management.
Space beyond .... me ... who is this ..??? who every believed I would be 38 .... is this being a real adult cause I now look like one ....
I need to keep being hungry! XOXOX November 2014! Let's kick it!
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