Legal

Cannabis is legal today, and I didn't notice. I just worked.

What I am doing .... sitting on the couch watching Georgia sleep.

Counting down .... to the weekend.

Easy???

Yesterday I found myself .... talking some of the edge. It isn't  easy holding someone together .. but I ask myself. Why .... and how I can keep this pace and not feel nervous myself and I do I believe what I am saying ..... I find myself wondering if I am lying to myself. Three years some people are not better off ...... ???? Shouldn't they be ... or this my fault? 

Walking Georgia ... this morning, life felt peaceful. When does life feel simple. 

Right now Georgia is barking at me ... wanting my attention ... wanting me ... ??? 

The Middle Passage

Here I am at the middle passage - walking though the middle act of my life. It's strange to think, I'm almost half way done. The thought is odd ..... being here.

Stay Hungry ? Stay Hungry

I feel happily depressed right now, caught in the middle of something I do not know to get out of. I use to change jobs or move locations. But this time .... I can do neither and I do not think either will help.

I'm exhausted with working. I just want to sleep for months. I just want to sleep through the winter, I do want to wake up

Today the markets make it difficult and not being enough for everyone - overwhelm me.

How I do I walk through the middle passage - I want to stay hungry and alive.

Kick It - Back to to Cali!

Another year and another trip to California! I wanted to go back to California all year but once there ... I wasn't feeling fulfilled. I'm not sure what was more fun planning the trip or traveling. So here I am .... after all these years. Wondering what when life will feel like something. I still feel like I am in a bubble.

This year I celebrated my 38 birthday and for the first time I do not like my face and it feels like a stranger to me. This isn't me .... I'm a stranger in a body which is aging without me. I still need to write more ... I missed so tracking so much of this summer. Most of this summer I worked and stayed at home with a week off.

Back to my last post .. yes who is the girl who still writes poems! Who is I am now ....

Back to Cali - I finally took three weeks off - it was first time in a while I took extended time off but it still didn't feel like enough. The only goal I am working towards now is a leave of absence and passing my exam in November. This memory is so different than trip I had in 2008. I am a women now and I have women's body. I do not feel like I have a women's mind. I do not know how to deal with so much death. So many clients are losing their spouses ... I do not have words for them ... I feel like can sense my lack of courage towards their experience.

The Oregon coast felt fresh and different all the places of childhood no longer feeling like childhood memories. Bring Georgia down the coast made it different. I still love the south of Oregon, the cliffs and beaches. The spare .... and something free. Stayed in Fort Bragg for a couple of days .... which felt like southern Oregon expect food gets better in Cali. Fort Bragg is strange place ... somehow I could find myself living there. San Franciso has not changed since I sent there October 2008. It's still expensive and difficult for me. I was sick my last night in San Fran .... now ... I wish we had spent more time in Huntington Beach .... something about huntington Beach is special to me.... it's been over ten years since I traveled there. the beach is magical and the stores and restaurants ..... its now my pacific coast go to spot .....i love the deck on at the hotel. Each morning we sat outside and had tea and coffee. Each evening we ate dinner their together watching the view and the sunset. I wish to see that view forever. How long is forever .... I still do know ... (I can't believe I have written in this blog for over ten years ... it such an interesting record of my life and thoughts.

work is back to desk ..... I keep questioning ...who is this girl ... who loves this job .... what can i do beyond this space ... I have it good ... as time management.

Space beyond .... me ... who is this ..??? who every believed I would be 38 .... is this being a real adult cause I now look like one ....

I need to keep being hungry! XOXOX November 2014! Let's kick it!

I Still Write Poems

I still write Poems - the little voice inside spoke
Pen in hand - bulldog on lap

Ideas in my head - swirling

I still have ideas - almost 38 year old women - woke
Lifestyle changing - aging embracing the middle passage

Exhausted 9 to 5 - not living fully -

I still write Poems - sometimes
After work -  on weekend - sleep walking

Little Tears

I living in a fairy tale and why do some days feel so difficult. I want to express how disappointed I am with being told ... that I am no expected.

I know I am complete, while I lay in my bed I thought of Georgia, it was 7 pm and she needed her evening walk. Somehow I got up and took her to the park and felt better - yes having a pet made me get up out of bed. For this I am thankful and know she needed me and gave back to me. Georgia is sitting on the couch right now and her sweet face gives me courage to go on and face another monday. Owning her is a wonderful blessing.

Next week we are going back to port renfrew, I am so excited. I love staying in the cottage and relaxing. Cant wait to explore nature and sleep amongst the trees.

Let it Go

Frustrating when other people can involved - I need to clear my mind, I need to sleep better.

I'm feeling clearer -

Make it Happen!

Dreams in my head, just want to make it happen. 

Just bathed Georgia - her toes have another cyst ..poor little girl

Little Drive in Snow

Today was longer than I wanted to work - it's a busy time of year and I feel rushed and unbalanced. 

the drive home was dark and snowy. 

Cant always get what you want

I can't rest and I feel I am running on a treadmill, life is passing while I sit at my desk. The space is getting small and more real. I feel frustrated and want to live in the moment. I miss blogging .... my skin misses feeling youthful.

Youth is something is left my face, I no longer look youthful but middle aged. Strange to say, in two years I will be 40, coming up to a life half lived. I guess I feel my life is currently half lived. Struggling to live in the moment. I want more time, more time to be free.

My heart misses you blog, I miss writing and being creative. I strongly want freedom. I want to wander .... how do I become this person and do I want to become this type of person. My work is full of benchmarks and I feel they are poison. I feel do not measure up. What is holding me back from living. Why I am so afraid to stop and breath.

Georgia is sleeping near the fire, her snoozing drifting in and out. She's peaceful and happy to be feed.

In my Life

Dear Face,

When I did lose you beauty? When did you say good bye?
Can you kiss me again,
Hold to me again, say I'm still beautiful
Whisper to me, your whole - your loved
Give me warm regards, before you leave me forever.