Winter Storms

Georgia is sad her daddy is gone again. She sleeps on the floor near me.

Last week I finally wrote my exam, I did feel ready but I'm not sure if I passed. It felt good to have written. I am struggling as my work load is going to increase soon. December 1 is coming quickly. I am struggling with the concept of ownership ... I want to purchase a new car and travel ... I want to spend spend spend spend .... and I feel this is unhealthy and becoming controlling of my time and life.  I miss yoga ... and I am trying to find a work out that fits into my schedule. Looks like I might have found a program.

I'm finding beauty and considering traveling to spain next year for yoga. I am looking forward to the break with work and time to travel overseas.

Another Rainstorm

We are expecting another rainstorm tomorrow. I can feel the wind and rain is starting to fall.I can feel the cold in the house. Here Georgia and I wait for the storm. 

I went to work in the morning and worked from home today. I waiting for the management change later this month. I feeling a need for some direction. 

Why are we in rush and loss direction, during our working years, so much in a rush and spending little time relaxing in the moment and acknowledging life. Today I walked Georgia around Miracle beach hoping to tire her out. Lately she's had a lot of energy since Rob went back to work. I've slowly realized she's needs more exercise. I watch the ocean, the waves rolling in and out. I won't have time to go back to the park later this month. The fall season on the north island is usually dark and cold. Windy weather and long rain storms. The first year I lived here, I felt very alone. It was strange to be in the house alone however it doesn't feel very lonely with Rob's brother living next door. The winter does not feel long just isolating from the rest of world. 

November I'm traveling most of the month, training in Vancouver for a week, conference and writing my exam. April or March I'm going to Spain to heal. 

I'm in a strange place ... I've started going to yoga again ,,,, which is odd but feels so good. I feel so refreshed after class, I feel new again .... I can't wait to go again tomorrow even if it's raining again. 

Another Unfamily Thanksgiving

I had a nightmare last night, I was shouting in my sleep and rolling. Rob woke me up to calm me down. It was a strange feeling, I am not sure what caused it. It was nice to know someone could hold my hand.

I'm feeling lost at work and I shouldn't, I want to write things to myself I should have told myself at 26 .... here is what I would say ..

Don't worry about money .. making and having .. you will be taken care of
Good things will happen
Enjoy the moment and don't be in a rush
Be warmer

I would like to do things in my own life.

Still working towards going to Spain this summer. Not sure how I'm going to pay for it ... or take the time off ... but I've decided I'm going.

Georgia is sleeping near my feet, she finally exhausted after another walk. I love her and need to spend more time with her each evening going for a walk. Life is wonderful having her in my life.

This week I baked the most wonderful pumpkin pie and tarts. Proud of myself for taking charge in the kitchen.

Count down to my CFP ... back to studying again.

Your Death ... and my Plane Ticket to Spain

Your death of brain cancer pushed me to do book my trip to Europe. It's a remember our time is short and yours was even shorter. I have not seen you in 16 years but it feels like yesterday we walked out of homeroom and into the world. You walk was shorter than mine, I still can't believe cancer took you. Actually I can't believe cancer is crawling it's way into my life. Time and space feels so real.

I think this is reason why I've pushed myself to become more mindful, I'm excited to go back to yoga again this week. I'm looking forward to not coughing and sharing the spare with others. I just to shine again .... bright and strong. I've slip and I'm coming back ...

Kevin's death this morning was a surprise, it's pushed me back into the light. It's so easy to be here than gone. I can't get over the cancer diagnose. I feel more prepared to lose someone to a car accident than cancer. Feels strange to be here at 36, feels strange to be in this body. I don't even know this body anymore .. Ive gained almost 20 pounds. I feel so disconnected to everything ... touch, space, ... everything feels odd.

Lately I've been playing with the idea of traveling to Spain, stopping over in Paris. Its time for some travel time and space for me overseas. I'm needing the spiritual time. I'm needing Kerri ...

Labour Day

I've been since my birthday, I've been carrying a head cold for over two weeks. This feels awful. My head feels like cotton. On a brighter note ... I'm mediating again for over 30 minutes each morning. I'm loving the peaceful calm ... I'm feeling.

Little G is sleeping and missing her daddy, he's gone back to city. She's in heat and feeling grumpy and uncomfortable, poor G ... she's struggling so much.

It's been a while .. since I last wrote to you ...I was so nervous, I almost lost you blog ...

It's almost bed time .. I need to rest and sleep.

Imagine Everything with a Positive Lense

I'm listening to my meditations again. My mind is filled with positive things and I'm trying to going to work to be productive and find the best of me.

Why do I desire to find self fulfillment with work and not other interests. I find ... because of the pay check .. myself esteem and dreams are tried to my occupation. I do not believe this is healthy and need to find another type of self fulfillment.

I love listening to my little Georgia snore, it's hard to believe she is real and my puppy. She fills my heart with joy. I was excited to see her after work, kiss her and cuddle her. I hope sometime she will not be restless sleeping with me. I'm sad she won't sleep in the bed at night anymore when I am alone.
Love her so much ... I've waited my whole life for this little puppy and I've promised her .. I will always take care of her and put her needs/health first.

Working on Mondays

My life ... at the desk is slow .. July is painfully not productive. I'm struggling to keep myself busy,I'm struggling ... with the pace. My mind keeps stressing myself out about this ...

wait - why don't I take a bath ... its' been awhile ... I mean .. I haven't used the tub since .. Victoria and wow I loved sinking into the tub at the Magnolia, the bubbles, the heat on my body. It was so long since I sank my body into a tub. And it was wonderful .. I couldn't wait to have a hot bath after my work party. I loved the sounds the feeling of the water ... everything. It was wonderful ... so enjoyable. I was in love with bathing sinking my body deeper and deeper into the tub. What a wonderful treat.

not sure why I'm still writing this ... and not taking a bath ...

Summer Days in July

Summer arrived and feels beautiful on the coast. I dream of days off ... in two weeks and enjoying the ocean breezes.

I'm making plans for taking some time off in year. I'm trying to save for four to six months of travel. Somehow ... I'm feeling it would be four to five. I dream of renting a place for a month .. and traveling around europe ... maybe the spring or fall ... horse back riding in Mongolia. So many things I would like to enjoy. I need to save appox 10k to 15k .. I have already banked 3k. I should have enough to travel end of fall next year or early 2018. I dream of enjoying coffees and sleeping in, walking down streets and peacefully ... enjoying life. I'm not sure what this will do for the work goals to drop out for so long ... but I feel entitled to a break.

Georgia is sleeping, she is also resting after a busy couple of days with guests. She is taking some downtime in her crate. I love she is so comfortable there.

feels good to have a goal again.

Same Song, Different Location

Mondays are a regular theme. I today .. I felt like I crashed hard at work. My head spinning tired around 3. It was a busy day ... thankfully things are picking up.

I mind the gap between us and the wall that separates us. I'm learning to live with the silence. Im struggling to fit in ... in a work place with many have children at home. I do not feel I have anything to add to the conversation when they talk about their lives.

For a beautiful change, I'm looking out the patio window ... and I can see the ocean .. and everything around it. I feel lucky have a wonderful view and an door.

Georgia and I had a refreshing walk around the park. Sun shining down and everything around a glow. We are blessed to have this location.

I'm struggling with the next move ... I want to travel more .. the road is call me. I'm feeling stronger ... braver. I'm learning to not let others hold me back from being myself.

I'm seeing a client tomorrow .. I identity with her awkwardness  as .. I see a small part of her as me.

This week is jammed pack with clients and a road trip to Victoria. I'm feeling blessed with the hotel room but I'll miss my sweet little G. G the small blessing as introduced me to new friends .. I feel a lot better with her around.

So many discoveries coming this June ... spilling over ... finding myself slowing becoming grounded again. My feet can hold ... everything that come to it. So lucky ....

Feeling blessed twice today:

For changes at work ...
For the sun
Walking with Georgia
Cruising on the open highway
Friendship

XOXOX

The Dark Horse

I have feeling deep inside .... and wishes to make others believe it is possible to be braver and have better conversations. I want to share possibility of being open and strong. 

It's funny how one day in Vancouver can cost over $500! I walked the streets and had a beautiful lunch at the hotel vancouver. I know I wanted to spend lunch somewhere special and have a lovely meal. I never met my grandmother but she worked her whole life as maid there, somehow her spirt still lives in lounge. 

Georgia enjoyed her walk down west georgia street. She was a instant star, with sales staff wanted to help her and ensure she was having a lovely day. I miss her so much .. Rob kept her in the city for the last couple of days and the house is so quiet without her. The house feels like when I first moved in ... still and quiet. 

The summer months on the north island are always beautiful and the ocean looks like glass. I'm trying to be more mindful .... but this is difficult. I should just be myself. 

I'm restless again .... my mind wandering .... trying to grow, but I'm not sure ... where I am going. It's frustrating the inner me ... is struggling always looking growth. I can't decide where I belong .. and I find it hard to believe this is the role .... I be forever or at least till I retire ...??? Is this the end .... when I do find inner peace with myself. So I've decided this summer ... I'm getting back to my roots. 

Things to be grateful:

My job and paycheque .... now I finally have options. 

Georgia ... my little love bug ... she fills my life with endless joy

Stacy -- good friends -- hard to find 

leaving Edmonton -- and taking risks 

My life plan -- 

The Women Project

I struggling with lack of information and how to provide basic information for those who do not have access to it. We spend a lot of time addressing mentorship for women and how women need mentors but who access to these mentors ... I've longed for this relationship but I have yet to find women who would mentor me. I've only ever found men. It's strange ..

Edna has come twice into my life this week, I'm taking her visits as a sign .. I've been seeking change and wisdom ... she's offering but I'm not reach out for help. This is a sign ... I should step up.

All things take courage ... and little bit of vulnerability ...

I'm stuck on the way to something else ... I was told today I had a destination career but I know change will come ... and this is something I am doing as I am passing by.

I'm trying to be a better dog parent to Georgia .. really trying to listen to her needs ... we are balancing our relationship. i have to share my time ... learning not to be so self fish .. she's teaching me to find give back even when I'm tired. We walked outside today in the rain .. I didn't want to get up off the couch but she needed to move .. and it was a hint for walk for me.

I've tried meditating in the morning again. I hoping to find balance again ... it keeps tapping me on the shoulder asking me to slow down.

Beautiful Antiques

I'm trying to remember all the details and words I need to say when I meet people. Feels strange ... I need to sit back and relax. Let others talk .... feel less awkward.

It's Friday before the May long weekend. I feel excited about the extra time off ... I feel better knowing I can sleep.

I need to not feel afraid ... here is list of the things I want, I want to be successful ... I want to be a better partner to Rob.

I'm still trying to find my way .... but I love the view from sitting here. I can't believe I see the ocean each morning.

Driving in my own lane

Boundaries, others will try to push you. The universe is letting me know, I need to work better with conflict. I need to stand up for myself and set clear boundaries.

I love sitting with my mind ... working through stuff from my past and watching my dark side creep out. It does sometimes. I had a breakdown at work on Friday. I was exhausted  so the core and most of this weekend, I've rested. Saturday we mowed the lawn and today we walked G along salmon point. 

I'm looking forward to next week as it is a long weekend. 

Working From Home

I'm dreaming of working from home this Wednesday, sitting around in the pants ... drinking coffee and relaxing in my house. I feel accountable to no one ... I feel odd .. as things have slowed down but I've slowed as well.

I'm Georgia's taxi taking her to and from daycare daily. We spend at least 90 minutes on the road together. She's growing so much and is five months. Its hard to believe ... she's lived with us since boxing day. So small but a wonderful gift.

I'm need to find balance again ... I'm struggling again. I'm torn what to do I want ...

I'm struggling in my mind where do I go with ... do I take some time off .. or travel. I just want some freedom.

Little Girl

My little girl has arrived and love Georgia so much. So much joy she has bought into my life and taught me so much in the last 8 eight weeks.

I'm dripping with excitement for getting off away from Fantasy Island but can't decide where I should go. I need adventure something to keep moving.