Just a Phase

I am so tired and exhausted all the time right now. I do not understand why it is so difficult for me to be awake. I dying in my current job, so I today I decided I needed change. I need to switch up something. Everyday is same....same tasks dragging my feet. I need to change ....soon or a holiday. Stress Leave?? Anyone...I am just exhausted of myself.

Most stressful I have gained 10 pounds since April. I guess the stress of CFA. I don't know. I know I do not want to keep feeling this way. I keep running and working out but I just feel so sad deep downside.

I am sliding backwards...I feel trapped mostly by the myself. I just want to be recused. I have even started buying lotto tickets. I use to think this exhaustion would go away now Grant and I are over. I feel guilty because when I am with Rob...I just want to sleep. I just want some peace of mind. I use to feel depressed...now I just feel hopeless. I am trying to stop myself from believing these agreements I made with myself. I hope this passes soon.

Terrible Itch

I'm on the five o'clock ferry going to the Comox Valley and everything is itchy. I want to scratch myself all over in public. Screw anyone who is uncomfortable. I almost missed my ferry because the 257 bus drove past me at park royal, checking the time I decided to pay for a cab. I also ate a crappy grilled chicken burger inside of the bacon cheddar burger . Yuck. ... Anyways ... Rob is picking me up on the other side.

Today felt peaceful at work ... I feel I really do not work that hard ... I think I'm
Over paid. I began to think about cutting my parents out of life. I have not visited them
in 6 months and I don't see myself traveling to the valley anytime soon. I feel alot of stress about keeping them in my life. It's the small comments and disapoval that upset me. I have no relationship with them. I use to think that a civil relationship was possible but it's not.

The ferry is full of small children ... Gross ...

Peace Within

It's a beautiful June and the breeze travels across my studio apartment. This evening feels so good and it  smells like love. I finally finished my exam and felt rested. I have enjoyed this time of doing nothing or whatever I want to do. I have decided to stand still feel present. Feel joy.

My body is slowly starting to move again. The stiffness melting away. For the first time in years my body had become a rock due to not stretching. I lost my path with my yoga practice last fall. My body felt older than it's age. Tonight I felt stronger in my practice, I felt myself coming home back to body/my soul.

I spent last week on the island with Rob. It felt good to do nothing in Campbell River. The weather was rainy but last friday we saw a pod of killer whales swim past the house. It was beautiful. I am going back tomorrow and I felt excited to see him and spend time with him All events in my are coming back full circle.

I am thinking of going to Sri Lanka in the fall. Something about the country wants me to visit. It wants me to fall in love with it.

The deepest part of me is curious, wanting to explore.