God Made Me Feel Whole

I'm always struggling with shame. Deeply cutting down inside of me. I've always been afraid to be myself ... to roar to make mistakes. I've always wanted to be perfect, the image of never doing wrong. However due this ... I'm always the first person to point out others mistakes ... instead of stepping back. I'm my own harshed critic beating down on myself ... unforgiving. I'm seeking so much ... help .. to find myself again.

For the first time in years ... I am breathing ... finding my way. I'm finally my not everyone elses girl. Tori Amos ... so wise .. the song... replaying in my head... everyone else's girl ... one day I will be my own. Silence for years .. so quiet ..  ..

Everything around me has changed... and I am always seeking approval. I am trying to find out if I am doing the job right ... but I have no ability to measure myself. My mind wants to be graded ... it wants a score.

I have a one track mind ... and it's switched to being a success a work. I've placed all my eggs into one basket. I need to start to separate myself ... from the the work identity before I get sucked into to far.

I've gone into the unknown ... I think I kinda like it.

This weekend a storm rocked stories beach again. The waves ... strong and powerful, I watched surfers struggle to paddle themselves out of the whitewash. I was jealous ... I wanted to paddle to. I wanted their freedom ...

Each day I spend here I feel more like a local. It feels like I have lived here forever and Vancouver is a very distance memory and Edmonton ...feels like a different life. I have no identity to a women who went to university there ... this feels like so long again. But why does theses memories... feels so close. I still don't greave any memory of Chilliwack. Time felt like it stood still there .... however ... I do still stillness in the young co workers ... I watch them .. struggle with leaving the island ... and feeling bored in their home town. Funny how I can see their pain from the other side.

The rain each night has made the drive home struggle .... I find the darkness and passing cars headlights ... frustrating. I wish I had not taken this job in the winter. This winter is a year of firsts for me. So many things to celebrate. Each day I feel a little better on the road.

A smile from the outside ... but do they know how scare I am .... Lets hope and believe the world is going to take care of me .. and this will be successful. Always loved so much at home ... my first Christmas here with Rob will be amazing.

Better Days

The rain is heavy, my mind is thinking ...long nights alone for me. Rob left today again for the city. I'm back from Toronto ... I had a great week of training and loved spending time with co workers and we return home. I feel like an strange odd ... things not fitting right .. I'm struggling to find myself.

It's odd to return here but it feels like home. I do not even relate to the city anymore, actually it feel like a long time again. All the places we go ...

I need to get back to basics. I need to get back to myself ... return to the soul.

The sun is rising high ...