I hear rain outside of my apartment. I keep secrets inside, I love fall in Vancouver. I heard it snowed today in Edmonton and I giggled .... winter is not part of my life anymore and I feel relief. This past 30 days so much has happened and changed. A carnival of emotions flowed from inside of me...and all emotions from anger, happiness, joy, depression, grief and joy. In this blog I'll try to review all .... so much all over..no feeling frantic anymore.
Most of this started with the wedding of Dave and Kristen. Dave is the best childhood friend of my lover. Dave asked him to be in the wedding party last spring. I was surprised I was invited to the wedding. The week before my lover arrived from Edmonton was feeling with stress and confusion. I was not even sure if he would be staying with me...Tuesday the morning he flew out he spent the morning in court trying to wrap up his divorce. He left me an amazing voice mail regarding how much he cared for me. He said I was bright spot of his divorce.
I don't trust very easily. I left the price tag attached to the dress I was going to wear. I could really afford the dress and I decided if needed I would return it to Zara. Wedding scare me and having PMS the week before did not silence my monkey brain. I struggled through a land mine of emotions and tears. I am not sure why I felt this way. I guess it's possible because I didn't see a wedding in the future with my lover. I realized he might never ask me to marry him. I was angry and felt punished. I was trigged by my feelings of being second *again* Second daughter, second in relationships...second place was feeling was used to. For now...I have to remember that is not true..and I need to stop the negative story in my head.
During the wedding vows, I was cranky and shaking...I was happier once I had a drink at the reception. I realized only vodka soda could calm my nerves as I felt like I was shaking like a leaf in the wind. I hate being alone in a room where I know no one..and left to struggle at table by myself. *sigh* ....I am just a girl....
We danced all night and it was amazing. It was the first time ...in several months, I felt love for him and knew why I had fallen in love with him. I saw his spirt again...and it connected with mine. All was love. no tears or fear. I am spend to much energy focused on being afraid of being alone...instead of focusing on peace of mind and joy. All I need is joy and goodness.
My lover missed his flight monday morning..and the storm settled into our relationship. We spent days not talking. We talked once on the phone briefly for 5 minutes. He never returned my call. Than I saw it....I saw red and anger! I saw the slow death of what killed trust in our relationship. He had an online dating profile. I left the office and walked up and down lonsdale. Trying to wrap my head around it. Trying to think of a plan of action ....trying to figure out what was my best move. I waited ...I took my questions to my therapist. She agreed it would be in my best interest to ask him about it. After drinks with Rob...I decided I had enough liquor courage to do it. First I called...and I called again. It went to voice mail and finally I sent a text message....stating I was feeling confused. He called later in the evening...he agreed to remove the profile. Friday the profile was not removed and it was thanksgiving long week. The profile remained active all weekend. I was pissed off...finally ...in my best interest I sent a text telling him..i wanted to end it. Tuesday I was over it...no longer hurt and no more tears. I was done and ready to move on...my heart had closed. He called asked why...after discussing it ...we agreed to stay together. He removed the profile. Although I still wondered if I could trust him...after all of this....if he really had my best interest at his heart.
Currently our relationship is mending it self. I hope it can be healed but I can not control future out comes. Only time will help....I left with the same questions I had the beginning of the relationship...do I want to date a single dad...if so ...will I move back to Edmonton...will he move to coast? I need to make authentic choices for myself. Right now i am at peace. i do feel joy...it's quiet here in North Vancouver little Persia. My soul is peaceful and only seeks love.
My best friend stacy come to visit. I was so excited to see she although I was very tired when she flew out. It felt so good to have her spirt in my home. For her friendship I am truly grateful and blessed. Very few people come into your life and are blessing. We are just authentic together no judgement...and lotsa love. I am never alone...she just a phone call away.
Most of this blog is being written tonight because I am distracing myself from studying. Any minute I will return to my CFA textbooks. PS stats are a little brighter...this week. 42 more days....till I write my mock exam is nov 3. So much to look forward to as christmas approaches. Life is full of miracles. Need to open my eyes to see more of them.
