Impression, Soleil Levant (Sunrise)

I am melting this morning in the summer of Vancouver. The weather warm feels mild with the ocean breeze unlike Alberta. My apartment is relatively small and has an open layout. Although the space is very crucial to my experience. Today,I wish was more exotic like Japanese Impression prints hung in salons on Paris..I wish I could offer some comfort to others day to day. I am really only hear to listen and not offer advice. It hurts to listen to the anger and vents. I feel deep pain inside each time he says what is the point in a second marriage. I question why I am still here and is it worth it. this part of me is deep sad and helpless, and a part of me wants to walk away. I feel ignored. How much longer will I choose to stay in this place? Mostly the words I want to hear is thank you. Just thank you for hanging in there for me...and thank you for listening. i just want to know..somehow I am appreciated. In his house i had a chance to reflect and analyze what my life would be like. I chance to really see the reality of the situation. I guess the decision is mine....if i choose to accept this option or find another. Today I am in no rush to decide and I am only enjoying my life here in the present moment.

Lunch for One in Sherwood Park

I am not to sure how I have come back to this place but here I am sitting at the head of someone else's dinning room table in their suburban home in Sherwood Park, Alberta. I feel restless and when I look around everything looks the same...same car, same house...same life plan. This house is different half finished ....have empty .... a family lives here kinda not my family, I am not part of this family. I only known from the boarder lands (So post modern of me today)(Big Girl with really deep thoughts) ... broke pieces of a lives slowly coming undone....Just a different women eating breakfast on another woman's table. I sweep up the crumbs so she will not know I am here....she wont know I slept in her bed. I feel kinda an odd awaking in me. You really don't know anyone till you stay in their home.

My obligation is to make her bed. It leaves me uncomfortable in my skin. Your in the boarder lands, in this space multiple people over laps, experiences and perspectives. Could the boarder lands include Sherwood Park. I am very urban girl, and love large cities and the vibe and life. Could I be having an Existentialist crisis instead.... I am trying to identity a place I am trying so hard not to move to and lose myself. I guess the suburbs are my boarder lands...and within these walls...are my own multiple layers...each one challenging me and peeling back. I am always toren here...is it my fear of love and lost of control...which is so prevents me from moving back. I know...love would be possible here and would grow. I am question if I am ready to be here or ready to grow up.

The part of me which identities with my free spirt soul is toren about settling down. I'm all packed :) and I'm back in Edmonton for the first time since Feb. Feels the same, I feel I escaped. Somehow running away gives me hope....and I know...i can escape again.

It makes feel closer to Argentina.

I am always tempted by the great escape. I want to run away ....aways...run...far...and to exotic locations. Somehow I have come to believe traveling to exotic locations would make me more interesting...and more interesting to men...instead this has done the opposite. I have pushed them away...for life less ordinary and comfortable. I am always looking into the suburban home instead of owning it. Maybe those home owners are looking out at me...will my last memory of him be tail lights of his european car driving away.