Someone is Missing

Someone is Missing Sadness is the wall between two gardens: Kahil Gibran Last night I woke up twice…once at 1:30 and 4:32. Usually I wake up once but rarely twice. The second time my sheets and bedding twisted around my body. My room hot and muggy, windows closed this warm June night. My mind buzzing and processing, still not quiet. I was terrified to close my eyes at mediation this weekend. I did not want to go deep within; I didn’t want to think about being alone. I fought and refused my present reality. For the first since I moved back to Vancouver I was alone. I would have to find a way to take care of myself and my own emotional needs. The last four months I have been greedy and lazy, and refused to make connections, but now at 4:32 am I realized everything had changed. Last weekend was so beautiful and I had almost rewritten my life plan. I was charting the perfect course, and everything felt almost perfect. As perfect as something could be in my dysfunctional world (aka small studio North Vancouver apartment). I was conquering letting go of the all the negative scripts my parents had taught me. All things seemed beautiful but for my partner they twisted and fell apart. Leaving him overwhelmed and over extended. He now slipped away from me. Monday mornings: are the same for me, ordinary. Coffee and half hot chocolate. But it is relaxing to be in the office versus my room. Today I put my face on and heels and sorta good (in a Sylvia Plath kinda way, pre Ted Hughes). Maybe this evening I can face my fears…and try to mediate again. Looking forward to facing the emptiness and knowing it is something not so painful.