something about 45

 This was a magical Friday morning. It's smokey and rainy outside but everything feels perfect. My heart feels wonderful, and turning 45 feels very different from my other birthdays. I use to avoid my birthday but for some reason this year I want to celebrate it, I want to share it with other people. 

Work is finally starting to turn around, it's such a different year than last year. This time last year I struggling to breathe and now I'm feeling wonderful. 

I always find the weather starts to turn around my birthday and you can feel fall around the corner. 

There is something special about turning 45, and wish to be seen again

summer day

 I'm on vacation this week. The weather is warm and Georgia is sleeping. Each day with her precious, at nice and half, I'm slowly realizing, my time with her is growing shorter and this hurts my heart. I haven't had a lot things in my life that have remained for ten years but she has. 

we are going to beach soon, the problem is the more I work, the less I live in the moment. It's so hard to be present, so hard to feel things. I'm so exhausted. 

I'm looking forward to this week off, sometime peaceful time. 

A Month Away from 45

 I'm searching again, I'm feeling something ... here I am almost 45. I feel halfway through life .. which is a strange feeling. I don't know how this happened but those who came before me are right, this comes faster than you will think. 

I'm no longer close to my twenties .. I do not feel close to my thirties, here I am. I'm deeply focused on the middle passage, what this means, how I feel ... everything feels very different. I'm at an interesting place in life. For the first time, I can buy whatever I want ... travel the way I want to travel, but I do not look twenty anymore, I find myself watching people navigate their twenties, did I miss out on something. 

It a Friday evening, in July, the wind is blowing and weather has cooled. Georgia is getting older, I think I have said this before ... she's almost ten, I can only hope we have more good years. 

In some ways I'm braver than ever, feeling comfortable in my own shoes. 

This fall, I'm planning to travel to Indonesia, my heart has always wanted to go there. 

Last May, I went back to Tallian, I don't know why I keep coming back to Estonia and why I still want to return, there is something there that keeps calling me back. I feel comfortable there, the ocean ... the stillness, the city has grief and no idea how to express it. kinda like myself. 

growing up in a small town

I’m so private about my life and always feeling slightly embarrassed, I’m trying to come to terms with shame I’ve hidden since the 5th grade, this moment in the spring defined me and changed me. I went from being an open happy girl to being shy and afraid. I learned to second myself and believe I am unlikable. I never shared this anyone till therapy at 31 and now at 44 I’m rediscovering how to finally let this go. 

Ive tried running from this but it keeps following, it haunts me because I feel the people around me can see this experience or I believe they would be laughing at me. I think writing about this is good therapy to move on to let go. 

Feels Like Time is Moving So Fast

 I can't believe it's May already and I have not written a post for 2025. I survived last year and it was difficult at points but it ended on a bang with a trip to Dubai and Abu Dhabi. Somehow on a super yacht I felt the year had come full circle. 

So here I am, about to go on another trip to Europe, my 5th trip to Europe in my 40's, prior to turning 40 I only travel to Europe. I'm determined to travel now and it feels wonderful. I spent so much time paying down my student loans and other debts for the first time in my 40's I am debt free and saving. I wish I could tell my 20 something self it will be ok ... 

Something about turning 44, I can tell in my face I am older. It's strange space to be there when you start to wonder if you are vanishing from world and it doesn't notice you anymore. I spent so much time wanting to be financial free but it came with price, loss of youth. 

Work is stable and I feel like I can do my job with my eyes closed, I'm trying different things this year to explore things that make me uncomfortable like speaking infront of people. I didn't think I could sell myself but here we are .... trying to be brave in my new skin or older skin. 

I can't believe I'm here almost 45 ..... and it's half way through life and this feels different. Maybe because I work with older people, I know time is short to do what you want ..... you won't be able to.... later on. 

I question what is family ... and who is my family .... did I make a mistake along this path ... not sure .. I am questioning it.

44

 I enjoyed my 44th birthday, it felt good and I felt special. This year has been a strange awful year and I feel I am slowing crawling out of it. Each month is a little better but still my soul feels strange and alone. 

I finally had my surgery date in May and I feel a lot better. My body doesn't feel as exhausted and I am starting to come back to my skin. 

Aging is strange and when do you truly feel like an adult? I still want to crawl up in a ball and cry. 

Grief come in waves ... sometimes I feel I am over it and other times not. 

I am book a trip to Dubai in December, I am excited and looking forward to the break. The beach and the different culture. I haven't traveled overseas since February. My mind needed break from travel. I haven't taken a break since returning from surgery. 

44 steps to feeling better. Grief will get better  

Long Weekend

 after returning home, and father passing a week ago, I find myself emotionally exhausted. This is the first time I have sat still and finally slept, I felt I had not slept in over a week after returning home. Too much to digest and think about. Work is blurry, I am going through the emotions of the day to day but feeling distant. 

I didn't spend enough time in Budapest, and I would like to return. The city feels stuck in between of moving in two directions. 

I'm kinda thinking about of my life, I'm half way through ... strange stop to be and something to consider, where I am going and what do I want to do with myself. 

Here another long weekend, slow ... uneventful - is this good ?? should it be more eventful ?